A large pizza can feed a family of four.
* How do you make a guitar player turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
* What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
* How do you know when there's a singer at your front door?
Because he can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
* How do you know there's a drummer at your front door?
Because the knocking gradually gets faster and faster and faster...
* What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
* What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
Second grade.
* What do you call a building full of guitar players?
Jail.
* Why do scientists prefer to use guitar players over rats for experiments?
Because they breed faster and people don't get attached to them.
* Did you hear about the guitarist who played in tune?
Neither did I...
* If a drummer and a bass player fall off a building at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
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* Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last job and annual salary?" The first soul replied, "$200,00; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$10,000." Before he could go on, St' Peter immediately said "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
* St. Peter was checking in three recently departed souls. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the first one. "I was a surgeon; I helped the lame to walk." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the second one. "I was a teacher; I taught the blind to see." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter." "And what did you do on Earth?" he asked the third one. "I was a musician; I brought joy to sad people." "Good--you can load in through the kitchen," said St. Peter.
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* A trombone player and an accordian player are doing a New Year's gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is loving the music. Shortly after midnight, the owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys are terrific--everybody is raving about the music. Would you like book here for next New Year's Eve?" The two musicians look excitedly at each other, nod agreement, and then turn to the club owner and say, "Sure, we'd love to. Is it OK if we leave our equipment here?"
* What do you say to a musician in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
* What's does a stripper do with her asshole right before she goes to work?
Drop him off at rehersal.
* What did Kenny G and John Tesch say when they walked into the elevator?
"Man, this place is happenin!"
* What does it say on a blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning"
* If an agent and a keyboard player are standing in the road, which one should you run over first?
The agent - business before pleasure!
* If Hitler, Saddamm Hussein, and a keyboard player walked into a room, and you only had two bullets, who should you shoot?
The keyboard player...twice.
* What did the keyboard player say when the bass player asked him how to spell "Mississippi?"
"The river or the state?"
* What did the drummer ask the singer?
"Do you want this too fast or too slow?"
* A guitarist was so Baroque, he robbed a music store and ran off with the lute. His percussionist friend took a drum and beat it.
* A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B' string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.
* Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.
* A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
* A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
* During his first lesson the student was given four notes to practice on just the first string of his bass guitar. The next week he was given four more notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never returned for another lesson. A year later the teacher met him on the street. After exchanging pleasantries, the teacher asked: "Aren't you going to continue with your lessons?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student replied "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."
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* Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
Yea, and it was so.
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* How many musician jokes are there?
Just one - all the rest are true.
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