Fear and Anxiety

ANXIETY is a general, vague, uncomfortable feeling. It is so frustrating to deal with because it is so hard to pin down. You don’t know where it came from. You don’t know how long it has been there. And you don’t know how long it will stay with you. You can’t form a plan to make it go away because you don?t know what it is.

FEAR is an uncomfortable feeling also. But because it is more specific it is much easier to deal with. Fear is an important part of our survival defense mechanism. When we experience fear it serves to remind us that we are heading for danger and need to watch out.

Sometimes we can take a case of anxiety and discover the specific feelings we are feeling and then come up with a plan to help.

A mother asked me to help her first grade son who was having problems at home and at school. At home Jason was having nightmares. He was complaining of an upset stomach. He was nervous and very uncooperative. At school he was not getting along with his classmates. And he could not concentrate on his schoolwork.

At first mother said that there was nothing different happening in the home that would cause any tension. But later in the session mother told me about the difficulty she and her husband were having. But she said that she and her husband never fought in front of Jason so he never witnessed any of the bad feelings in their home. She then told me that things were so bad between her and her husband that she was planning to leave him. She said that her husband was going away for a few days to visit his family and she and her son were going to fly to Florida to live with her parents.

I asked mother how much Jason knew of the trouble between his parents. She said that they made it a point to keep all of the unpleasantness away from her son. And that her son was completely unaware of the trouble in the home. I asked mom how she had been feeling during the difficulty with her husband. She said that she had been very upset during the last few months but she had kept her feelings to herself.

Mother told me that she had not told her son about the trouble with her husband and that she wanted to keep him from worrying so she had not told him about leaving her husband and moving to Florida. As mother and I talked she began to tell me how difficult it was for her to face unpleasant situations so she generally handled conflict and disagreement by trying to ignore them hoping they would go away.

Mother began to see that her son was well aware of the tension in the family but because no one had told him what was going on he had no idea why the house was so tense. Jason was becoming overwhelmed with anxiety. And because no one was honest or direct with him, Jason had to express his anxiety in non-verbal, indirect ways.

Later, Mom began to see that the only way for her son to deal with his anxiety was to put an end to the dishonesty in the family and confront her husband. She knew he was not a violent or dangerous person so she felt she would be in no danger. But the uncomfortable confrontation was very difficult for her.

Reluctantly, she managed to confront her husband. They argued thru the details of their issues. And eventually they agreed to the terms of the separation. Then they both talked with Jason about the separation and the move to Florida. Jason reacted with shock, disappointment, confusion and many specific fears. But because Jason had specific fears instead of his general anxiety about his future his parents were able to help him with his questions.

Jason wanted to know when and how often he would see his dad . He wanted to know where in Florida he was going to live. He wanted to know about the new school. He had questions about how to say good bye to his friends and classmates. He wanted to know if his dog was going to go with them.

All of these concerns were honest concerns and because Jason was now raising these issues openly and honestly his parents could give him honest answers. I suggested a "mother question notebook" and a "father question notebook" where Jason could write his questions and then discuss them with his mother or father.

The bitter feelings between mother and dad remained. But because Jason was able to deal with his fears honestly and openly Jason was able to work through most of his symptoms of anxiety.