In one of my counseling textbooks I read the story about the therapist who specialized in having the clients draw pictures to express their ideas and feelings. The therapist was very successful in helping people express uncomfortable feelings. She had one client she worked with for a number of years. This client became expert at using the pictures and drawings to express himself.

Years later the therapist happened to meet the client at a party. The therapist asked him how he was doing. The client proceeded to take out a pen and paper and began to draw.

Counselors have been very creative about coming up with new techniques to help people express their ideas and feelings. But most of these techniques are not very practical in real life.

I had a principal who was very supportive of counseling in her school and offered to equip my counseling office with a punching bag. She felt this would be a great way for kids to express their frustration. I had another counseling office I moved into where the previous counselor had soldiers, guns , and other warlike toys. He felt that playing war would release the anger and frustration of the kids he was working with.

Puppets are another favorite of counselors. Punch and Judy shows where two puppets beat up on each other have been popular for a long time and have a reputation for helping people to get rid of hostility. I used puppets in my counseling room for a time but the puppet games always began so peacefully and always ended with the kids having the puppet s bashing each other.

I have heard a lot of parents tell me that they tell their children to punch a pillow instead of punching their sister.

In the last few years Karate and other martial arts have become popular with children. Some parents feel that punching and kicking with appropriate screaming is somehow good for the soul.

I suppose all of these techniques under the right circumstances might be helpful . But let’s face it. When you are face to face with a real-life frustrating situation you don’t have access to a punching bag, toy soldiers or drawing paper to bail you out. You need something more practical to help you deal with frustration.

Violence in our society is big trouble. Once we use punching and kicking as a way of expressing our ideas and feelings we end up in big trouble. Child abuse in our society is a major problem. Domestic abuse in our society is a major problem. Physical assaults against people are a major problem in our society. All of these problems involve punching and kicking.

As parents and teachers we need to teach our children a way of expressing uncomfortable feelings without using violence. Punching and kicking will not work. When a push comes to a shove we are all in trouble.

Well, What’s a parent to do? After a lot of experimenting with games, puppets, soldiers and even punching bags I found that using the words to be the most effective way for children to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

In our counseling room we threw out the violent toys and introduced peaceful arts and crafts. We created an environment in our counseling room where the kids could feel safe and secure. The kids were able to create anything they wanted except things that could hurt people. No guns and no swords. It was amazing how many times the kids would begin to make a gun or a knife even tho they knew the rule about things that hurt people.

While they were creating with the materials we talked a lot about what was bothering them. We helped the kids give a name to what was bothering them. "I wanted one just like my sister had but my Mom wouldn’t give me one. And I was MAD." "It sounds like you were feeling JEALOUS."

We taught the kids the names of many of their uncomfortable feelings. In place of the general word MAD we gave them: jealous, embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, offended, fed up, upset, furious, annoyed, envious, betrayed and rejected.

In place of the general word SAD we gave them: hurt, lonely, discouraged, ignored, miserable, neglected, hopeless and tired.

In place of the general word SCARED we gave them: overwhelmed, tense, nervous, terrified, startled, panicked, hesitant, timid, shocked, suspicious, shy, cautions, defensive, frantic, intimidated and helpless.

We showed they how to use the dictionary and how to use a thesaurus so they could find just the right word to match their feelings. While they were in the counseling room we taught the kids how to use these new words to resolve frustration and disagreement.

I remember a family I worked with where for some reason their were three children in the family who were all three years of age. The parents told me they were concerned with two of the children biting people. As we talked they told me that the child who bit the most hardly ever used words. The child who did not bite was very verbal. All three of the children were using their mouth to express their ideas and feelings. Two were using their teeth and not their words. One was using the words so didn’t have to use her teeth.

Kids who have the words to express their ideas and feelings and are encouraged to use these words don’t have to rely on physical behavior to express themselves.