I feel trapped here, somewhere partly between a lie and a kiss from the lover I will never hold again. Why can I still taste your lips on mine, still feel your touch? It hurts too much to be a dream.
Gods, I miss you.
Sometimes at night I lie here, staring up at the ceiling, and your ghost comes to me, touches me gently, presses cool, phantom lips to mine.
Sitting up in bed I beheld, not for the first time, your form outlined in silver. You shimmered faintly to my eyes, but you were every bit as gorgeous as you had been in real life. You were standing naked in the middle of my room, exactly like every night before you’d left. You held one delicate hand out to me, your dark gypsy eyes imploring and so much more beautiful than anything else in this life. Slowly I took that hand, stepping forward on quiet feet, my breathing ragged and unsteady. On an impulse I took your body to mine, holding you tightly to me, afraid to let you go again.
You never spoke to me when you came like this, so I was surprised and slightly alarmed when you reached out, pressed two thin fingers to my lips and gently whispered, “Shhh.” the voice I’d missed so badly was unlike it had ever been. You’d never used that subdued tone around me before, and I clung tighter to your ghost, terrified by your voice.
“Where’ve you been for long?” I asked softly.
You shook your dark curls and smiled sadly at me. It broke my heart. You weren’t coming back. I could feel it now and I wasn’t ready. “Stay with me! I can’t take it anymore. I still love you! Please don’t leave me again!”
“You know I love you back, and you always have known. Now you have to believe me, you have to believe that I’ll never stop. But I can’t keep trapping you here. You’ll thank me someday. Kiss me one last time, and I promise you, I’ll never haunt you again.”
I couldn’t refuse you. It hurt too much. I guess in the end we were both too stubborn to refuse the other, no matter what the consequences. So I did what you asked and kissed you slowly, fingers twining in your moonlit hair. You tasted like mist and sunshine-passion and above all; love. I would have been content to stand there like that forever, but without any warning, you were gone. Gone forever, and there was nothing I could do to alter it.
When you left me then, those tears I had contained really broke loose, tearing free with a heartrending sob that ripped my soul away and left me exposed to all the pain I’d denied myself before. Kneeling on the wood floor, I prayed silently that I wouldn’t have to feel this for much longer.
Without realizing what I was doing I found myself admiring the bright steel edges of the dagger I had hung on my wall, turning the weapon from side to side in the moonlight. How could death be so enticing and seductive? I’d always associated my end with pain and regret, but all I felt now was awe as I touched the blade to soft skin, a sort of sacredness in the red drops spilling out of the gash on my wrist. And all this time I’ve been thinking of you.