I get so tired of my parents and this house. Everything they say just wears me down and I have no energy to be happy. I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough yet. Always that hopeful little "yet" tacked onto the end. I feel like I'll never be good enough. I just want the nagging and the hurting to stop. I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh at myself. I shouldn't even care, but i have to hear it so much. I just want to go away somewhere and forget how much it really matters to me. I don't like feeling so insecure, and every little thing they say feels like an insinuation that I'm not trying. That if I just tried harder, they'd love me. I am trying harder. I'm just not good enough!  End of story, get off my case. 

I fill up all the minutes with talking, because if I don't make eye contact, if I just laugh at everything, as long as I smile and act stupid, they won't yell at me. I live with this constant fear that they're watching me, and that they are waiting for the right moment to address my issues and try to fix me again, and I can't take it. I've never even done anything that bad, but if i dye my hair or come home ten minutes too late, it's like I've committed a crime, even when I have their permission.

How do you combat someone who knows that they're right? How do I explain color to someone who's life is in black and white? Am I even seeing color? Is this color? I don't know anymore. I never did. They make me doubt everything. They make me fear everything, but they teach me how to lie, how to hate, how to hide, and that's the only way I can be accepted in my own house.

I'm so afraid, and I don't know why. There just isn't enough time away from them to start to build the truth. I don't even know what the truth is. I feel like they've taken that away from me, and I don't even have the energy to be angry.

Why haven't I earned their love? Aren't I smart enough? Aren't I nice enough? Aren't I their fault in the first place? Why even have kids if all you do is teach them to hate themselves. And the problem is; they look so perfect, and no one can see that it's all just a really pretty lie! Because they learned to lie so well. They even lie about their tears, and their sighs and their anger. It's all faked. But what can there possibly be underneath all that? do they love something about me beyond all the false pride, and the picture-perfect structured lives? I can't think of one thing about me that they've just accepted. I have to fight for every little freedom, and then it weighs so much that it doesn't feel like a privilege at all. I'd rather just roll over and die. It'd hurt less. But I can't even do that, because it would look bad. I cant bear to ruin their image. That's why I've never gotten arrested, and that's why I can't do anything with her without feeling guilty. Damn it, when you love someone, who has the right to make you feel guilty? but I don't think it would matter who I loved, it would never be enough.

If I went back, starting right now, and un-dyed my hair, threw away all my black clothes, burned my writing, got rid of my canvases and lost weight, and even if I was the daughter they wanted, it would never be enough, because something inside of me is flawed. Something makes me this disgusting, waste of air. I don't know what it is, but it's there, and no matter what I do, it will stay inside of me, and they will see it, and I will be this mistake they are burdened with. I want to cut it out of me. I want to rip apart my skin and rebuild myself to be the person they want. Less of a person in some ways, but more in the ways that matter to them.