On Regrets
For the majority of my life, I have tried (with varying degrees of success) to live my life with no regrets. I firmly believe that it would be a shame to lie on one's deathbed, looking back on one's life, saying "I wish I had done that..."
It was once pointed out to me that I might be saying that no matter what I did, that I might be saying "If only I hadn't" or "If only I had done this instead". I didn't have a good answer at the time, and to be perfectly fair, I'm not sure I have one now. At this point of my life, however, I think that my answer would be "Yep. I might be there at the end, thinking just that. But I'd have the consolation of knowing that I tried. I took chances. Sometimes I rolled big, sometimes I crapped out. But I took the dice and rolled 'em."
So why am I boring you with all of this pseudo-philosophy? Well, the astute will note that I said that I have tried. I haven't always managed to live up to the standards I have set for myself. I won't go into the "whys" of that situation (that's a whole different rant). Recently, one such instance has been weighing on my mind, and I feel an apology is in order. Bear with me through a little background and you will understand.
It's early spring, 1988. I am a senior in High School, and of course, the big talk on everyone's lips is the Senior Prom. Naturally, all of my friends are going. Me? I asked one person, who told me that she already had a date, and, well, that was it. I didn't ask anyone else. At the time, it took all I had to ask that one person. I just told people I wasn't going - that it was no big deal to me. Some days, I even managed to convince myself of that.
Meanwhile, my "breeze class" for the year was my computer class (a programming course in BASIC! HA!! I was programming AD&D character generators in BASIC before 8th grade!) One of my "lab partners" was a fellow senior by the name of Beth Purul. We had several classes together through the years, and quite a few during our senior year, as we were both on "accelerated tracks" in school. She fell into that murky area between "acquaintance" and "friend".1 We got along well enough, and talked to each other regularly.
One day, several weeks before the Prom, the (alleged) computer teacher2 asked the seniors in the class who was going to the Prom. Assuming I recall correctly, the only hands that did not go up were Beth's and mine. The teacher then went on on about how there should be some sort of service so that people who couldn't find dates could either be matched up or could find someone to ask, so that all seniors had the opportunity to go. Later in the class, when we broke up into or lab workgroups, Beth & I commented on how dumb that idea was, and that maybe "some people just didn't want to go."
Before I continue, I feel a few caveats are in order. I don't really know how she felt that day. It is entirely possible that Beth had no desire whatsoever to got to the Prom. Maybe she couldn't afford to. It is equally possible that what I'm about to say has been colored by the years that have passed.
But what I remember is looking into her eyes - and what I saw there didn't match the words coming from our mouths.
I thought about asking her. Hell, even if we didn't go to the Prom, we could've gone to dinner and caught a movie. Something so neither of us were sitting at home alone that night. Besides, even if she said "No", at least I gave it a shot, right?
To my eternal shame, I never asked.
To this day, I don't know why I didn't. Most likely it was because I was a chickenshit. I could attribute it to my youth, testosterone, cowardice, or any number of things. It doesn't matter. What matters is this:
I had a chance to make one night special for someone, and I didn't.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the greatest regrets of my life. Learn from it. In Dead Poet's Society, Robin Williams exhorts his students to "Carpe Diem" - to "Seize the Day!" Always remember to do just that, my friends - seize the day. Throttle it if you must, but don't let it pass you by. It may never come again.
And now, an apology.
Beth, wherever you are, I'm sorry. Sorry that I didn't try. Sorry that I was unable to overcome the inherent stupidity of the 17 year old male. Sorry that I never asked. I hope that life is treating you well, that you have found happiness in your life, and that someday, you can forgive me.
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1: "Acquaintance": Someone I know and like. "Friend": Someone whom I trust, and feel comfortable talking with when discussing matters of a personal nature. I have far more of the former than the latter.
2: The computer teacher in question (whom I will not name out of respect for her husband and because I have no interest in stirring up bad blood) was a mid-year replacement. The original teacher got a significantly better offer from IBM, and took it. He knew that what I knew, and I was, for all practical purposes, his aide. The replacement teacher knew less than I did about programming in BASIC, and resented the fact that fellow students came to me for assistance instead of her. This made things very tense between us.