Outstanding warrants in the following states:

create your own personalized map of the USA

Have you ever woken up from a nap and felt completely disjointed from the standard linear chain of events or time? When your eyes open, you see things occurring, but somehow they are operating within some sort of chronological vacuum? I watched planes duck in and out of clouds, cars whiz past, and heard the chatter of pedestrians, yet for a few moments, felt entirely separated from it rather than under the weight of it. It may seem odd, but simple events like this do remind me of the eternality of the soul. That although our bodies---and to some degree, our actions---are bound by time, we as eternal and indestructible entities are completely free. This is what a shady tree and a cool breeze can offer you on a good day.

Took the message board online tonight. http://vsd.dyndns.org/~mysqlserver/phpbb2/index.php Not sure entirely what i expect to come of it. i know what i'd like to see, but that could obviously be in stark contrast to the pending reality. give it some time, and i guess we'll see. If i can at least get Abhaya-asraya back on, i'd feel vindicated.

Had a pleasant Ekadasi, with a fortunate opportunity to do some real preaching. Just nice to hear someone coming to Krsna consciousness with enthusiasm and eagerness to learn more about the process. Felt like i was able to offer at least something. Fan the flame a bit more, while giving a humble glorification of harer-nama. Maybe i'm not as useless to the front lines as i've been feeling.

As a harsh juxtaposition to this, i wanted to bloody some kook in an SUV up in the Hill today. Not sure why people think they're in the right when they're motoring down a little cobblestone street at 50mph. Jackass had the gall to intimidate an elderly woman crossing the street (well within the right of way) by swerving away from impact at the last minute, while honking the horn no less. Not sure if she even noticed the car less than 10 feet from striking her, but i was livid. Ego can be such an ugly, ugly thing.

Up early, and proofreading GM's books. Thankful for the extra hour as we returned to EST. More thankful for the continued opportunity to serve.

"Global protests to war on Iraq." i agree we should look on that option with a hint of trepidation, but some of these kids are just absurd. make a violent protest to human rights violations in China, while you treat Saddam like some sort of martyr. maybe you forgot about the nerve, sarin, and mustard gas attacks. maybe that's because you weren't more than a grade school fool then. oh, but it's so fun and easy to pick the big target of the US. the perpetual bully, the world's whipping boy. go ahead and make your big talk. your plans are as flawed as the next. many Iraqis living in exile would love to see the US clear Hussein out, but thanks for your suggestion.

and for God's sake, would someone please ask that discussions regarding "moral authority" not involve the likes of Jesse Jackson? although, i guess he'd be a good source for explaining how that becomes lost.

Sunday, October 27, 2002 9:26:54 AM

i'll admit to wanting to see my name listed in the text, especially when the backdrop is GN or disciples' meetings. no dice for Volume 18. instead i saw Don as "Dan", and made my red mark, thinking that it might have gone unnoticed had i not been the one working with the manuscript. had i not been fortunate enough to travel to Inis Rath in 2000.

need to mull over what i've been reading during this morning's service. GM stressing the ever important message of Krsna in our lives. see Him in all things, big and small, knowing that He is with us perpetually. Guiding us back to Him. Reassuring, and at the same time, sobering.

also the dilema of where we fit in exactly within ISKCON. yes, i can agree that there is some hesitance to "bring someone into ISKCON". we have a checkered past (and, to some extent, present). my resolution is that i don't know where else i should send them (them, the theoretical inquirers). other institutions aren't fairing so well themselves in the Kali yuga. why send them on another risky endeavor, especially when they can't offer everything that we can? i rest my faith in my Guru Maharaja, in Srila Prabhupada, and the parampara; in Krsna Himself, and His sincere devotees here who are genuine guides. let them come then, but help them know just where to go once they get here.

Morning did not go as planned. i don't think i rolled out of bed until 8:30 or so. Not what i had been hoping for. i was actually pretty irritated about it.

So, rather than doing puja related things, i gave the cats their usual beauty treatment. Trimmed nails, brushed their fur, etc. Then i proceeded with the usual morning program of puja and japa. Again, not the Saturday morning i had planned.

Saturday, October 19, 2002 10:51:38 PM

I lamented for those members of my peer group who just aren't around any more. no longer actively serving Krsna; at least not in the same capacity that they once have. it's a shame that after more than 30-odd years, ISKCON still doesn't seem to have a terribly solid program for creating long-term devotees. let me stress that: long-term devotees. not someone we can pull in, chew up, and spit out in a couple of years. long-term, life-long devotees.

[Stumbled upon this while proofreading, not more than 45 minutes after writing the above]:
"The main thing is that we each have to find what our real contribution is, and we have to see it in relation to ISKCON's need. By doing so, we will each help to offset the version of Krsna consciousness that we usually portray in photo moments like Hare Krsna World, where a sannyasi poses with a government person and we don't see him doing anything but that. What do devotees do all day? We have to each live that out for ourselves. Whatever it is, we have to make it glorification of Krsna, and we have to be real people." - SDG, EJW 18, p. 100

This is, in essence, the cure-all for the aforementioned affliction. If we can shape our lives around this, it seems like our longevity in devotional service is assured. How to actually do that requires intelligence and the guidance of guru and Krsna. It's probably not an immediate revelation, but rather something we spend some significant time searching for. We should remain vigilant and actively praying for Krsna to reveal it to us, though. i pray nearly everday that Nitai-Gaurasundara, Who are Krsna and Balarama Themselves, grant me the power to maintain my momentum in sadhana-bhakti. That They'll keep bringing me towards Them. i don't need to be the superstar in Prabhupada's mission, but i'd like to remain an active participant until i leave this body behind.

DMY, but i actually added something to the website: links. Even though it probably only took about 10 minutes to setup that page, it took months for me to get around to actually doing it. it's actually fun to do, so i'm even less sure why i don't work on it more frequently. there are days when i actually check my own website, expecting there to be some sort of spontaneously generated fresh content. it's like i'm half-surprised to see the same month old entry still there.

so what sort of internet locations am i providing traffic for? others similar to this one, i suppose. you know, the artistic/journal sites that suffer from the same neglect as this one. although i should at least be fair to Jayadeva. he actually updates his. i think the unemployment status helps, though. ;)

i think it's time for some apple juice, and then off to bed. hoping to chant early morning rounds under cover of darkness, after caring for Nitai-Gaurasundara. if i'm up early enough, there's a good chance i'll polish and bathe Them as well.

saw Maha Nick at Baker St. tonight. gave the guy a ride home. i have a feeling my car will still smell like a bakery when i get in it tomorrow morning. good to see him again, talking about Krsna consciousness. "I think devotees have lost that revolutionary spirit." "it's true," i said. now i'm reminded of one of GM's lectures on change. lots of talk of the revolutionary spirit behind the sankirtana movement. i should copy that for him and drop it off.

now back at home with a chill on my nose. brisk fall air.

i'm not sure i know what the hell i did, but i seem to have lost the month of September. sort of make me feel better that i've neglected the journal, otherwise i'd be missing a lot of entries (in theory).

weather is getting chilly. the warmth of socks and sweatshirts. give me a bit more time and i'll probably have something to say today.

almost a month since my last entry? good lord. it's not terribly surprising, i suppose. it's been a busy, busy month. late nights during the week, weekends spent either going to festivals or just recovering. what a drag.

my mornings are keeping me alive.

if this sounds disjointed, or perhaps just plain boring, it's mostly b/c i'm sitting in a repair shop waiting room. little maintenance on the old Jetta. apparently they can't do an emissions check when you have a hole the size of a man's fist in the pipe joint to the front muffler. go figure. so, new muffler for me. thanks to the good people at Techtonics, i should be getting a little extra power in the deal.

my vacation can't come soon enough. first time in 3 1/2 years that i'm taking some time off. oddly enough, mork & mindy are talking about the same thing on t.v. right now. me and mork, battered workaholics. "the bones of yesterday's hikers". i just want to spend some time on the beach, reading and chanting.

p.s. i'm using a PowerBook G4 now, rather than my old iBook. niiiiiiiiiiice.....

the Prabhupada disciple that handles my FedEx route popped in today. i wouldn't have seen him had i not forgotten a part for the package. there's something extra satisfying about saying, "Hare Krsna" to the FedEx driver and having him say it back. another gift from Srila Prabhupada.

i pick up my new bike tomorrow. it didn't cost me $1500, and i didn't pay $400 just for the fork. it will not win downhill competitions (at least not with me on it), and will probably not score chicks. it will however take me around the park and provide for a fun activity with the Mrs. i can't wait.

early morning today, with quality early morning japa. it set the tone for the day.

1. having to re-spell every word in the title to this entry
2. Art Clark
3. wrong check styles

if that's all i'm complaining about, i made out pretty well.

1. cooler, breezier weather
2. fresh pineapple for dessert
3. new client
4. clean floors
5. remembering about this journal
6. another chance at coming closer to Krsna

"This morning during japa I thought of publishing plans and of my progress in reading; thought of Purity of Heart. Looking forward to those activities after japa. Still, I assert that this chanting is what I want to do more than anything. I will willingly give up any other activity, even though my mind tells me it is more attractive, to chant. Chanting is life." - Satsvarupa dasa Goswami, Every Day, Just Write Vol. 11

That's all i really have to say for now...

i need to spend more time in front of a book. sastric books. "but aren't you reading, prabhu?" huh? oh yeah, i'm reading plenty. hours and hours, probably. problem is, most of it is just junk.worthless distractions, petty arguments, or anger inducing opinion pieces. "the morass of books available." it's no wonder my brain is almost useless. lately i read sastra the way i lift weights: so infrequent and sporadic that the only thing it could possibly achieve would be keeping my muscles from entering complete atrophy. curses.

i've become so wrapped up and distracted by the various elements of my life that i think i've forgotten the purpose of them all. i chant 16 rounds because i said i would, and thus i need to get them done. i work to support myself and the family. i read because it's advised to do so. or for entertainment. i try to suck every last bit of enjoyment out of my body and life experiences because i'm woefully attached and practically cemented into this body, even though i could be forcibly ejected from it at any moment. i've gone into zombie mode...

thus the reform. chanting with feeling, and to communicate with my blue-hued Friend who i submitted myself to years ago. reading for clarity, not to check off another book from the list. and time to sit back, take a breath, and give time to introspection. think about what the hell i'm actually doing here. perhaps i subconsciously fear that, as i'm likely to find myself grossly distanced from where i want to be or even once was. i'm hoping it's more akin to wandering off while sitting at a red light, oblivious that the light has since turned green. for god's sake, someone please start honking, lest i sit here, obstructing traffic and my own progression.

climbing on rocks in the park. guy whizzes by on his mountain bike, and we start making loud monkey noises. i hear the guys brakes kick in to action and watch him slide to a halt, just out of sight (kind of hiding behind a tree, it seems). we just kind of look at each other and laugh about this biker.
"what the hell is he waiting for?"
"beats me."
jump on down from the rocks to continue the walk. he's still standing around, like he's waiting for something.
"hey, how ya doin'?"
"pretty good."
"yeah, there were some monkeys up there, but we chased 'em off."
"monkeys?"
"yeah, you gotta watch out for those damn monkeys in these woods."
"sure thing. thanks."
and with that, he rides off. now, if i can translate that last bit for you, what he was really saying was, "Ok, well, i was waiting around here because i thought you might be some little kids that i could yell at or intimidate or something. apparently you're not, and i'm not going to mess with some guy with neck tattoos and another guy with a knife. i'll just be on my way then." i think i laughed about this for the next 3 days.

weekend is almost over. i spent the vast majority of it in one spot; the spot i'm in now. usually spending so much time in front of this screen would drive me nuts, but i actually feel like i managed to accomplish something worthwhile. the framework has been forged and set. now just make sure you don't leave yourself with another empty box. the net is filled with homesteads long forgotten...

major heat wave hits south india (45C) and people are just collapsing. over 600 dead, last i read. seems like you can't live outside anymore, lest you die. (i remember my Brajabhasi friend on the cowherd path and wonder if he ever got that fan) they're supposed to organize some sort of scientific commission to figure out what happened and the like. it's india, so i like to imagine they'd submit their paper titled, "Insufficient Yajna & Corrupt Leadership", though i guess that's a bit far-fetched. don't remember Maharaja Yuddhisthira having to deal with such problems.

speaking of problems, troops amass on the Kashmiri front while Cheney tells us, "future attacks on the US are almost certain." in other news, i'm likely to take another breath any second now. deduct it from my allotted total.

ok, i got the rough framework for this new website setup. well, not the entire site. just the journal page. maybe i'll take the sucker way out and base the whole site off of this template. at least it will be up. anyway, the initial template is done, and the site is up. not exactly live, as i'm not linking to the journal yet, but it's up there.

now i'm pretty freaking tired, but i have some japa to wrap up. not exactly the best time to be finishing your 16, but the quota will be met. with a smile.

I can't wait to get lost in a book again. It's been so long. Too much time thoughtlessly click click clicking away in front of this cursed black box.

I think my insides are drying up. At least the upper extremities.

Was really happy to find GM's art exhibition online. With desktop pics, no less. D/l'ed the collection. I'll probably make changes later as the conversion to a desktop pic seemed to lack any real thought. Picked "Arms Raised" as the symbol of my reformation.

I'm not entirely sure how often this will get updated, or in what format. I think it will certainly make the simple journal entries much easier though, thus giving me a shot at actually doing them regularly. Not that I have a readership who will take much notice, however.