It seemed that the “3 out of 12 advance” format with 3 wildcards would result in a lot of early favorites being thrown by the wayside, and I was worried that too many good singers wouldn’t have a good chance at cracking the top 12 as a result. What I failed to remember from past years is that too many of the early favorites flame out at this point, victims of nerves, poor songs choices, and the inability to stay on key or connect with the audience. A select few were able to muddle through and eventually find their way, but the majority of the screw ups were cast off quickly. While this current format appears to be harsh, it really does separate the wheat from the chaff. And oy, what a chaffy evening it was. So chaffy in fact, that Suzy Chaffee could be the spokesperson, and she wouldn’t even have to change her name.
The biggest problem with Kara sitting in as the fourth judge is that she has reigned in Paula – she’s just not letting Paula be Paula anymore (presumably due to the threat of dismissal). Paula has been on good behavior this year (notice she didn’t have any diva flameouts resulting in her missing audition rounds like in the past), but at the same time, it’s not really Idol anymore without Paula’s trainwreck barreling into the Idol station. Yes, Paula did utter the inscrutable line, “look to the right, look to the left, whoever’s better, you’re going home,” but that was it for the evening. Sober Paula is sobering and just no fun.
Speaking of no fun, on to the performances!
Jackie – The WTF are you wearing award was presented very early on tonight, what with the polka dot top, spandex leggings, fat red belt, and high top sneakers. Seriously, WTF? Although I will say the red belt was an improvement over her flesh colored belt she wore at the auditions that made it look like her gut was hanging out. Jackie’s performance was all shtick – drunken karaoke, weird faces, overly dramatic poses, and a dancing style that can only be described as “Mick Jagger pee-pee dance” with a side of, “I’m farting on live TV!” It’s all well and good that she “had fun” out there, but that seems to be the loser’s lament on Idol. The one thing I kept thinking as I watched that camp craptacular was, “Does she realize where she is?” It's freakin' American Idol, not performing arts camp! The strangest part was that I actually though it was a pretty good arrangement of A Little Less Conversation. Too bad she decided to morph into Norman Gentle tonight.
Ricky – Exactly how long did Ricky serve chicken fingers for a living before waking up one morning and realizing that’s not what makes him happy? I think most people would have had that epiphany, you know, as they were applying for the job. Ricky’s rendition of A Song For You was good bordering on very good, but Simon’s pointed comment about his lack of charisma was spot on (he reminded me of a certain geek), but personally, that’s one of those songs that builds and builds and goes nowhere, lacking a big hook to really make it memorable. As my wife pointed out, there were a couple of moments where it looked like he was reading the lyrics off of his hand.
Alexis – Alexis just turned 21, which means she can now legally drink! However, I suspect that Alexis had previously hit the bottle when she was seventeen (or whatever is the answer is to the equation, “21 - daughter’s age - 9 months”). Alexis had one of the shoutier auditions this year with an Aretha song, so I was a bit apprehensive about her belting Never Loved a Man at the top of her petite lungs. It turns out she did a swell job, but it was still a bit shouty for my tastes, lacking a certain fatness in tone that an Aretha song requires. Alexis dirtied up her image by putting pink streaks in her hair and taking the stage sans dress, wearing just a slip. It would have been apropos if her name was Heather and not Alexis, as it appeared she has two mommies.
Brent – Shout out to Blanchester Ohio, blitches! I don’t know if Blanchester is a hick town, but if Brent says so, so it goes. Hicktown was a terrible song choice, at once gimmicky and forgettable and I could almost hear eyes glazing over collectively in the blue states. Then again, Brent didn’t even do the song justice, lacking any sort of energy or distinctiveness, and I had problems hearing his vocals over the band. With that undistinguished of a voice, Brent will be a two time reality talent competition loser, having previously been booted off of Nashville Star. I thought I’d be all clever and referential and say that it was barely better than Bucky Covington, but then Paula busted out Bucky’s name and ruined that for me. Thanks Paula. I really don’t know how she even remembered the name considering those were the days she was regularly in a percocet martini haze. Oh, by the way, Brent looks like this. I wouldn’t really bother expending the energy to remember what he looks like since you won’t be wondering, “who’s that singing?” anytime in the near future.
Stevie – Every season, it seems, someone hits the stage and just massacres a song so horribly it’s like they just don’t want to be on the show. Stevie (who is a girl, BTW), sang some Taylor Swift song with all the musicality of Antonella Barba, rarely staying on key and was in fact so ferociously off-pitch that her atonal caterwauling made my wife and me completely embarrassed for her. If that weren’t enough, Stevie also busted out fusillades of manic shimmies, side steps, and tons of perma smile that covered up the fact that she must be dying inside to be honking in front of millions of people. The other three judges got all sorts of hung up on the song choice. Simon was the only one who pointed out that the performance was terrible. This is just another example of why the other three judges are useless.
Anoop – I wasn’t that thrilled with the choice of Angel of Mine because it lacks the energy that his other songs choices had. I don’t know why these contestants keep picking slow ballads. The backup singers didn’t do Anoop any favors by singing slightly off key. Maybe the acoustics are different in the theater than home, but I didn’t really find it all that sharp or off key like the judges seemed to think. While my wife is a fan of Anoop, she was appalled by the totality of the presentation – the untended hair, the slapdash outfit, the general lack of style – but she heaped extra scorn on Anoop’s choice of footwear, disgusted that any stylist worth their salt would have let anyone go on stage in sneakers. One of the big disappointments of the evening – I expected a lot more.
Casey – Every Little Thing She Does is Magic is probably my favorite Police song, and I was a bit jazzed to hear that Casey was going to do a cover version. Casey may be the prettiest girl that ever made it this far on the show, but like many pretty girls before her, the producers apparently picked her for her beauty rather than her talent. True, she missed her first big note and whiffed on a few notes here and there, but she was better with her pitch than most of the pretty girls before her. But here’s what killed her chances:
1) Too much gender switching. It’s one thing to change a pronoun here and there so we don’t think you’re a lesbian, but I don’t know why you’d bother picking a song with so many gender pronouns. If you have to transpose pronouns three or four times a measure including the title of the friggin' song, pick something else. If Amanda Overmayer sang this, I’m sure she would have kept the lyrics intact because she just didn’t give a shit what you thought.
2) Musical theater much? Her voice is more like a low wattage Kristen Chenowith than contemporary pop singer, and her broad gestures and movements were fake and distracting. She also acted out parts of the song to her detriment and generally overdid the Rent-like ersatz enthusiasm. Big finish!
3) Weird faces. For a pretty girl, Casey generated a plethora of bizarre facial expressions. While it is understandable that singer will contort their faces to hit tough notes, Casey’s facial deformations were oftentimes between the lyrics. There was just overall too much mugging and pageant smiling to get across any genuine emotion, and there’s no bigger turn off for me than a singer (or VP candidate) who winks in the middle of a song.
If this were last year, Casey might have been able to make it to the next round on looks alone (that and she was still better than Stevie and Jackie). Sorry bubble tea maker. Maybe we’ll see you on Broadway.
Michael – Just a horrible, horrible song choice, and I will tell you why: Michael’s big plus in the auditions was his clear, soulful upper register, something they showcased time and again since it was such a contrast to his look, which reminds me of a bear on its hind legs. So why did he pick such a growly karaoke staple like I Don’t Wanna Be that did nothing to show off his voice? In addition, Sarver looked uncomfortable on stage, shifting the mic from hand to hand and cutting out intermittently in the process. At one point, he performed some half hearted, arrhythmic line dance kicks. The sum total of Michael spoken words during his post song Ryan interview: “Yes I did,” followed by, “Well that’s good to know”.
Anne Marie – Another disappointing dud. Anne Marie picked the overdone Natural Woman and needed to kill it to have any chance of standing out. Instead, she sounded thin and shrill, and her voice actually became grating as the song went on. Worse still, she missed every single big note. Anything else? Yes! It was the most boring performance of the night. How old is this chick anyway? She looks twice her reputed age. Someone needs a re-makeover, stat! The sum total of her spoken words during her post song Ryan interview: “I just sat right on the hard part… I sat on a big thing of wood and it hurt.” (That’s what she said). Pretty sure she was NOT referring to Ryan. No, wait – I'm 100% positive it was not about Ryan.
Stephen – And now for the biggest disappointment of the night! I had thought that out of all the singers glimpsed in Hollywood week, Stephen may have had the best voice, killing a Stevie Wonder song and sounding good even while forgetting the words. I only hoped that he wouldn’t turn into Brandon Rogers, another audition wonder who sucked it up when it was go time. I dunno – maybe he forgot to take his meds or he was on some meth binge or he thinks Michael Jackson is his real father and he wanted to reach out to him – whatever the reason, picking Rock With You ne plus ultra of bad song choices, and, much like Rogers, he just flat out sucked in the singing department. And wow – didja notice the backup singers were really off key? They sounded a bit shaky all night, but this was brutal. Maybe one of the singers went out for a ciggie break, got locked out, and had to be replaced by Stevie Wright.
Tatiana – Pffffft. What a letdown. Anyone expecting giggle fits, a public meltdown, or telenovela style histrionics were disappointed by a rather middling rendition of some Celine or Whitney song, I dunno, it all kind of blends together on Idol. Just stodgy and connection free, she sounded like a 50 year old lounge singer. It appeared during the last Hollywood week show that Tatiana had packed on a few extra pounds, but tonight, she looked like they digitally superimposed her head on Jordin Sparks’ body. Speaking of her head, from certain angles, she looks like Madonna. Not the new/old one with the plastic surgery, but the old/young one with the original nose that was a nude model (that picture was severely cropped, folks). The sum total of Tatiana’s spoken words during her post song Ryan interview: Just kidding. I don’t have the time to transcribe the verbal diarreah.
Danny – It’s pretty much unfair that Danny got sooo much face time during the auditions and Hollywood week, as they not only had his bits, but shoehorned him into his buddy Jamaar’s excessive face time as well. So after all this blatant pimping (so much so that short of defecating on stage or revealing that his dead wife was a hoax he was a shoo in for the top 12 anyway), what do the producers do? They give him the pimp spot, so-called because no one who sings last gets voted off – ever! Hmm, let me guess – TPTB want Danny in the finals. And hey, he deserves to advance based on his vocals, but I thought it was all rather unspectacular (Alexis Grace was better and Ricky was on par) and I got the feeling he wasn’t really trying too hard (can you blame him?). Didja notice his audible gasping throughout the song? It’s David “Gaspy” Archuleta all over again without the nervous lip licking but with bonus smug self-satisfaction. BTW, his buddy Jamaar didn’t seem too enthused about being used as a prop for the Danny pimping. He even did bonus semi-slow sarcastic clapping.