So as Hollywood Week ended, you may have wondered to yourself, “What the hell is he/she doing in the final 24?” Or, “hey, he/she was great – how did he/she not make it?” And how did so many transgenders make it to Hollywood?

The answer I came up with last season was that the producers stock the 24 with some shaky, unqualified, and undeserving singers to allow their hand-groomed favorites to skate past to the final 12. Think about it – if all 24 were equally good, how could they get Sundance or Antonella to get to the final 12? A slip one week by an anointed one can be smoothed over if there are enough contestants who are too anonymous or untalented to take advantage of the opening. And man, if you watched Guys’ night, you know that there were at least 12 other male singers cut from Hollywood week who could have stepped up and out sang the ones who were there – they just weren’t as marketable as the others. Basically, about half of the 24 contestants are there to take one for the team and get voted off – cannon fodder, if you will. Here are the 24 contestants and their cannon rating from zero cannons (with the red X, meaning not a chance of getting voted off) to 5 (don’t buy that SUV just yet) – that is, the likelihood that, unless someone really bites it or they just step up inexplicably, they’re gone before the real competition starts. But what do I know – last year, I thought Elliot was a goner for sure.

Rudy – I think one of the rules in picking a song is to avoid singing a rocking song if you have a thin, womanly voice. Plus, if you don’t have any charisma, overdoing the fake enthusiasm makes it look like you’re trying way too hard and is fatiguing to watch. I know exactly why he made it through to this point.

Brandon – Another rule in picking a song is to avoid singing a song originally sung in a thin, womanly voice if you have more testosterone than estrogen. I pegged him as an early favorite, but he did not perform to expectations. I think nerves really did him in.

Sundance – I think Simon’s proclamation that he’d be “surprised if he didn’t make it to the finals” really clouded the judges’ decision making skills. He obviously was not cutting in Hollywood, and I’d be shocked at this point if he made it through to the top twelve. A boring rendition with pitch problems, Sundance could only nail the “I love you” parts, but not in any impressive way. Looks nervous and uncomfortable on stage. Although the judges (primarily Simon) want him to continue, I don’t think he can deliver on his early promise. But then again, what a weak field.

Paul – “I feel so unsure”… about what key to sing in. Just all over the place. When he wasn’t struggling to stay in key he was singing through is nose. Basically, a total disaster. Zero charisma. Instead of being remembered as the guy without shoes, he’ll be remembered as the guy who shouldn’t have been there.

Chris R – I thought it was funny that his Dad was living his rock ‘n’ roll dreams through Chris since all Chris seems to dream about is being the next boy band douchebag. He sounded like he just hit puberty. When he sang, “I don’t want to be anyone other than me”, all I kept thinking was how much he was trying to be Justin Timberlake (see, he doesn’t look like JT, he just tries to look like JT, and that’s douche in my book. Anyone who tries to look like a celebrity due to a passing resemblance is douche in my book. Also douche – calling him JT… other than if you’re just trying to save some typing. Yessss). I guess the girls like guys who sing like… girls. He also kept turning his head from side to side like he was on the lookout for someone who wanted to steal his estrogen pills. Looks like Justin but moves like the lead singer of Midnight Oil. I think the judges are going to try to push him through.

Nick – Nice posture dude! You’re on fricken’ live TV in front of 40 million viewers and you stand there like William Hung. I sort of remember it was a crap song, and he was okay for a while and then started going off key. Okay, to be truthful, I don’t remember any of it. I’m just transcribing from my notes. Yes, I take notes. There’s 24 singers for Jebus’ sakes!

Blake – Good. Not great, but more interesting for teetering on the edge of going off-key. But his voice is thin and I doubt he’s got the chops to really impress anyone with vocals alone. I can see why he does the fauxhawk – the dude is shorter than Ryan!

Sanjaya – Let me deviate from the judges, my wife, and anyone else who saw the show. I rather like the performance. I liked the tone of his voice more than the other guys, but he apparently has real problems keeping time, and his constant rhythm issues caused the band to slow down to keep up with him (or down as were), which made the song sound draggy and more drawn out. I didn’t find the performance boring, but the post-song interview? One of the worst in Idol history. For a second, I thought Simon was going to make him cry.

Chris S – He can be sharp and witty, and my wife loves his voice. I like his voice, but I thought the song wasn’t that great. The other problem is his lisping, which I find a bit distracting. For those of you who didn’t notice, try listening to him next week and not hear it. You’re welcome.

Jared – It started out just rather pedestrian but at least on key. Then, inexplicably, the crowd cheered in the middle of the song. It must have surprised him as well, because he hit a bad note right thereafter, and then it just went all to hell, a cacophony of bad runs, and off-key notes. Ka-boom!

A.J. – A.J. is a good singer, has a nice voice, seems like a nice guy, and yet I all I kept thinking was, “Next!”

Phil – I remember Phil from the auditions and that he started out his songs braying like a jackass. He’s also got creepy eyes and reminds me of a bald Steve Buscemi. I like my SB with hair and a Van Dyke (that’s the proper term for it – a goatee technically is without moustache). My wife enjoyed the performance, but I thought it was rather like Clay Aiken – on key, nice tone, but bland and soulless. If everyone else is as bad in the next two weeks as they were tonight, Phil may not be the cannon fodder I thought him to be, but only by default. We’ll see if the boys can pick up their A-game next week. And the boys better pick it up because the girls out sang them by a country mile.

Stephanie – Stephanie evidenced more talent than the collective total the guys could muster the night before. Technically speaking, she was spot on, staying in pitch, hitting every note hard, and really just smacking the cover off the ball. And yet, if she reminds me of anyone, it’s LaToya London from season 3, who had all the technical chops and gave my wife goose bumps on her arms, but in my view delivered a sterile and soulless performance. I could hear it, but I couldn’t feel it. And what was with the hair? “I’m going to sing in front of 40 million people – extensions? No. Braids? Nah. Finger wave? Uh uh. Make my head look like a Piñata.” Still, I don’t get any real vibe from her (she’s rather unremarkable looking, neither pretty nor distinctively featured), and although I think she was slipped in the get voted off, she may bump someone else off. Hoist by your own petard!

Amy – Boring song, pitch problems, and a personality as limp as her hair. Why did she make it this far? Oh, right. Don’t even make me start with that dress. It looked like she dove into the dumpster outside of a Salvation Army store. An ill-fitting eyesore.

Leslie – I liked her voice and I didn’t think the judges evaluated her vocals properly. However, the girl does not know how to move on stage. Her jerky, twitchy spasms reminded me of those toys where you press the base in with your thumb and it lets up the tension on the stick person so it droops and when you let go it jerks back into position? So if you keep pushing it in and out, it looks like it’s dancing spasmodically? You know, those toys? You know? God, this was funny in my head before I over-explained it. What the hell are those called?

Sabrina – I am trying to find out the name of this toy, but every time I Google “jerking”, “toy”, “pushing it in and out”, and “position” in any combination, deviant stuff turns up. BTW, this has nothing to do with Sabrina, who I suspect will win over admirers, but I for one cannot stand this Christina Aguilera-style, unmodulated yelling as a substitute for singing that was performed tonight. Makes me want to plug my ears. My wife was impressed, though, because that stuff is hard to pull off. Wait, is it called a pull-off toy? Ah… nope.

Antonella – I will confess that I failed to understand why so many people found her that attractive (all I see are Groucho eyebrows and a horsey smile) and why some people picked her to go all or part of the way considering she can’t sing all that well. And she proved just how waaaay out of her league she is here, easily delivering the worst performance of the night (frankly, I thought her friend from NJ sang better than she did during Hollywood Week, but she wasn’t up to snuff either). Poor Antonella sang the beginning part through her nose and then did everything she could to make Paul Kim feel better about his performance, delivering a screechy, off-key mess. At one point, a panicked look spread across her face (undoubtedly due to a realization that she was embarrassing herself in front of 40 million people) and I thought she was going to forget the words. The theme to Armageddon indeed. And yet, doesn’t it feel like the producers have done everything to build her up? Or is she this year’s Ayla Brown?

Jordin – I was afraid from the auditions that Jordin was one of those singers who hiccupped and yodeled through songs, because I hate that affectation. But she didn’t do it at all, which made me like the beginning of her song. The problem was, she kept singing it just like that. Over and over again. And then, just as I started to check out, she woke me up with some real good singing, and I for one was impressed. Now, if next time she could sing an entire song as good…

Nicole – I don’t know which was more distracting – her weird faces or her weird vocal inflections. Plus, she would pronounce some of the words in odd ways. As near as I could tell, she was trying to channel Teena Marie. It was like hearing a Frat Boy trying to talk in ebonics, and the net effect was a bit uncomfortable and mostly embarrassing. I mean, if the girl genuinely gave you a black vibe after she stopped singing it would be one thing, but she talked and acted like… a skinny white girl. So the whole thing was just affectation, which is what Simon and Randy were sort of trying to say without calling her out as a poser… yeah…. *cough*… hey, it turns out that toy I’m thinking of is called a push puppet! Thank God. I wasn’t going to sleep.

Leslie – Her jerky, twitchy spasms reminded me of a push puppet. See? That’s funny. Sort of.

Haley – Celine? NOOOOOOOO! God, I already hate her. She’s actually dressed like Celine sans the black jacket with the boxy, padded shoulders. I guess someone out there likes this stuff, but come on. One of the parts of Idol I really hate. Oh yeah – not that good.

Melinda – If there’s one antidote for *blecch* Celine Dion, it’s some good old-fashioned American soul singing kick-assery courtesy of Melinda Doolittle. Just mopped up the floor with everyone so far. Better than all 20 previous contestant combined times 100. And I’m not exaggerating. I can prove this with math. Melinda has it all. Except a neck.

Alaina – Thin voice, flat all over the pace, a disastrous performance – basically what I expected from her coming out of Hollywood week. Do you think the producers thought otherwise?

Gina – Celine? Again?!? NOOOOOOOOO! Another one I hate already. Don’t worry Gina, you won’t be “All by (yourself)” – everyone gets voted off in pairs in this round. What a waste of time – why didn’t she just come out and sing the one note and get it over with?

Lakisha – Okay, I was waiting for this. She impressed the hell out of me in the New York auditions (which mostly took place in New Jersey, but I digress) and I tabbed her as the one to beat. Not only did Lakisha shoot out of the gate like a Juggernaut crushing everything in its path, but the girl sold the song. It was all sorts of crazy good, and one for the ages. I had a huge smile on my face after it was over, and although she just blew the doors off tonight, I still think Lakisha and Melinda will be running neck and neck (well, so to speak) for the rest of the competition. While the judges seemed to have closed the books already, I think this will be a titanic battle to the finish.