Tonight was clunker night. So bad they put the judges in a bad mood. So bad that Paula was actually critical to a significant number of singers. Almost everyone was below the Pickler line tonight.

Katherine – I really can't comment, as I fell asleep during her “performance”. Like eating Brussels sprouts or something. She wins tonight's freeze tag game, though. Oh, they didn't play freeze tag? Then WTF was she not moving? It's was like time-lapse photography.

Kinnik – Just as you shouldn't pick a song you can imagine drunken frat boys doing a sing-a-long to, the ladies should not pick the kind of song that a group of drunken spring break co-eds at lake Havasu would slur along to in unison at a karaoke night after too many tequila shooters. Then they'd start making out with each other (not for real, just to get the guys going) and enter a wet t-shirt contest after which they'd stop by the Girls Gone Wild party where they coyly lift their shirts up for a split second on camera then gradually end up dancing around topless and making out with each other some more.

Where was I? Oh yeah – bad song choice.

Lisa – Lisa is this year's Vonzell Solomon, a singer whom my wife and I swear is off-pitch all over the place but other people think she has a great voice. I don't hear it. Also does that Vonzie thing where she smiles during break-up songs. “I sit around with my head hangin' down, wondering who's loving you” (cue big inappropriate smile). Does she even know what she's singing? Also does the fake growly thing with furrowed brow to make us believe she's feeling emotion. I don't buy it for a second.

Melissa – I really had to think hard to remember what she sang. This is not a good sign. Brought the boys out tonight. Again, not a good sign. Cleavage = desperation.

Brenna – I didn't even realize there were lyrics to “Last Dance” other than, "this is the last dance for loooooooove". She has got to go. Even if she could sing (which she can't), she's the most hateful idol ever. I mean, I want to vote her out of the country.

Is this possible?

Heather – Again, sounded better with laryngitis. She would probably sound better with a tracheotomy. Okay, that's just mean. But her voice is easily the weakest in the competition. And her taking on a Mariah song is like Will Makar singing Al Green. Hmm... now I want to hear that. It would probably be the funniest thing in the world.

Paris – I was not wowed, but I still thought she had the best vocals of the night. She understands dynamics, emotion, and can sing with power without having to shout at the top of her lungs.

Ayla – For the second week in a row, Ayla trotted out an all black outfit with rhinestones. I wonder if a peek in her closet reveals an all-black wardrobe with rhinestones. I'm going out on a limb and predict that next week, Ayla will wear an all black dress/pantsuit/culottes with matching top studded with rhinestones. When does she get the time to drive to the Wal-Mart in Summersville?

I think Simon nailed it right on the head about her performance, so all I got is the outfit. That and there is no force on heaven and earth that can make me approve of anyone singing a Celine Dion song. Don't you do it Paris, don't you dare do it.

Kellie – She wins the Awww Shucks competition hands down. The singing part is suspect. People's reactions will differ, but as I imagined America releasing a collective, “awwwwww” in response to her yokel bit, my eyes rolled so hard at everything she said I started to look like Ben Turpin. She did pick a good song though, one that kept her in sweet spot of her limited range. Her voice is better than I though it would be when she's there, but she's lost when she leaves what she knows. There's a deep metaphor in there somewhere. BTW, why doesn't Simon just become Kellie's agent already?

Mandisa – Five, four, three, two, one -- that's how long it took before she cranked it to ELEVEN. And the girl never looked back. It's fatiguing listening to her. I think Mandisa watched those Memorex commercials as a child, and she psyches herself up by imaging all the glasses on all the coffee tables around America shattering during her performance. Too bad Mandisa, you only shattered two of mine. Better luck next time Mandybear.