Let me preface by explaining the generally confusing cannon ratings from last week. First off, the rating was below the contestant’s write-up, and the more cannons, the more likely they would be voted off. A cannon with an X through it meant no cannons, meaning they were a lock for the final 12. I gave LaKisha five no-cannons as a joke meaning she was a superlock to make it, but suffice it to say it was very late when I made the whole thing up and, and I was very punchy so maybe the coherence wasn’t all there.

Also, I have taken to having links for the contestant’s names go to the Idol website since a common complaint was that readers didn’t know who was whom by name, partly because there were so many contestants (and they didn’t take notes like me), and partly because some readers didn’t actually catch the show. Which makes me wonder – how do they know I’m not just making this stuff up? Okay, on with the show:

Phil – The thing I hated about Phil in the auditions was the way he tried to force that first note and the result was that he sounded like a braying jackass. I was surprised last week when he dropped this habit (I had hoped to make fun of him endlessly for it), but it's back now. Overall, the performance was too shouty, as Phil, like most Idol contestants, confuses volume with power. The performance made me miss the vocal stylings of John Waite. And I still find him creepy looking. Phil, not John Waite.

Jared – A total karaoke-style cut-rate Al Green impersonation that paled in comparison. This song exposed Jared's weaknesses – a thin voice without power or nice tone coupled with a tendency to go off-key. It got worse as it went along. Here's a tip Jared – the next time you dress up in a nice suit, ditch the white tennis sneakers. I mean, WTF?

AJ – I think AJ's true calling is to be in a touring company of Rent. Yeah, he was mostly on key and it sounded okay, but the song choice was weird – I kept picturing him with a feather boa and shimmying his shoulders. It was a show tune more apropos for a woman. He seems like a nice kid, but he tries so hard to be liked and I find it uncomfortable. There’s such a thing as smiling too much.

Sanjaya – After seeing his Michael Jackson-esque get-up, I assumed he was going to sing Billie Jean or maybe The Man in the Mirror. I was surprised that he chose such an old fashioned standard instead. But the rhythm problems continue. Last week he dragged out the measures, and this week he sang so quickly the band could barely keep up with him. At one point, he got so far ahead of the band he lost his place and kind of mumbled and stuttered for a few measures until he found his way back. The slurry, mumbly delivery did nothing to highlight his voice, and while he was generally on-key, it was otherwise one of the worst post-audition Idol performances and worthy of a statuette bearing the legend, “Worst Idol Performance Ever”. And the post song interview was just as bad as last week's. Sanjaya seems very uncomfortable talking, and it was just painful listening to him haltingly explain his song choice. He sounds like what you would expect if Janet Jackson had a stroke.

Chris S – Dressed like Taylor Hicks, singing a Taylor Hicks song selection – all that was left was to dye his hair grey. He has a nice tone, and he did a nice job with the song, but his voice has no power. He was also pretty far up Simon's ass tonight. Did you notice the lisp tonight?

Nick – After he gets voted off, I assume Nick will dust off the oft-used Idol excuse – I was sick. That would explain why he sounded like he had laryngitis. The song just never took off, staying in a whispery rut the whole time, and Simon's comment about the lack of charisma was spot on – the dude was upstaged by a drummer. And it wasn't like the drummer was doing a John Bonham style drum solo – he just banged on the drum a couple of times. Pathetic.

Blake – Dude, do you have any other outfits other than green top, off-white pants? Just 'cause you topped it off with a retarded looking hat doesn't take away from the fact that it looks like you wear the same clothes all the time and probably stink like a hobo. It was entertaining enough with the beat boxing stuff, but he's so unsure of his voice he yanked the mike three feet away from his mouth during one of the notes. That may not seem like a big distance, but it's all relative – the dude is like four feet tall. Good entertainer, unremarkable voice.

Brandon – Talk about wasted potential. The auditions showcased what appeared to be a rich, soulful voice. But he's on his way to being one of the most disappointing idols thus far. Gone is the fullness and tone – other than a few stray pleasant notes here and there, Brandon was sharp and reedy throughout the song, and he was just not in the same key with the backup singers. He too can use the illness excuse, since he sounded like he had a head cold throughout. Bad song choice is an oft used mantra, but really, it's only a bad song choice if you do a shitty job. Like, say, Brandon.

Chris R – I've heard Simon attribute it to the differences in the acoustics at home versus live in the theater, but every now and then the judges attack a contestant en masse for sins that the home viewers can't hear or wildly overpraise for total horseshit. This is the latter case. Again with the odd, twitchy, “I have ants on my skin” crystal meth induced head spasms. Again with the thin, insubstantial voice. But this time, it was off-key and amateurish. But judging time was one of those moments when the Simon and Randy appear clueless (the moments where Paula appears clueless are called “Tuesday”, “Wednesday”, and sometimes “Thurdsay”). I could barely hear Chris’ girly voice over the band. My wife says he reminds her of Kevin Federline. I say K-Fed with Tourette's (the twitching part, not the bursts of obscenitites). Hey, maybe they can clear Popo-Zao for next week! Total garbage.

Sundance – When he dedicated his song to his newborn son Levon, I assumed he was going to sing Levon. And then he sang Mustang Sally. How apropos. It turns out I misheard the name – it's actually Levi. But it's definitely not Sally. Or Mustang. So, WTF? And while it was a stronger performance than his limp, off-key rendition of Knights in White Satin, I thought he shouted more than he sang.

Gina – I just don't like this girl. I find her hard to look at, and I think she's a wannabe punk poseur who acts like she's some sort of edgy rocker with tats and piercings but comes out in an overly ruched prom dress and sings Celine Dion-style songs. Like, having a streak of red hair doesn't make up for the fact that you love singing crap songs. I mean, give me a break. Also, not that good.

Alaina – When I heard she was going to be singing a Dixie Chicks song, I assumed it was going to be a disaster. Not because it was the Dixie Chicks, but because Alaina was going to be singing, the same Alaina that sounds like a bag of drowning cats. And yet, maybe because my expectations were so low, it wasn't that bad. But then the judges piled on for some unknown reason, and I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. However, this is probably the best she can do, and it’s nowhere near good enough.

LaKisha – Last week was no fluke – LaKisha can flat out sing her ass off. This is one of the rare instances where the Idol contestant actually sings better than the backup singers. While Simon hated the outfit, my wife liked it and thought she looked good. I thought she did look more attractive this week, but she should stick to prints and black tops – there was just too much salmon colored fabric for my tastes. And although I would never thought in a million years she could get away with a denim mini, she actually pulled it off.

Melinda – I said last week that there wasn’t that much separation between LaKisha and Melinda, and I was totally right. I thought My Funny Valentine started out a bit too slow and unsteady, and I questioned whether a slow jazzy ballad was really the right song for the competition, but halfway through the song she just killed it and I had to remind myself that it’s only a bad song choice if you do a shitty job. OK LaKisha – it’s on. BTW, after all the dedications to grandmas and parents, I was kind of surprised that Melinda dedicated her song to her vocal coach and stylist – gee, I hope her hair and makeup people didn’t feel too snubbed. There’s a certain rags to riches, coal into diamond quality the public likes from its Idols, and having a vocal coach and stylist before even entering the competition seemed to make Melinda more of a Hollywood diva than a down to earth up and comer. Everyone has a grandma and a parent, but I don’t know who in the audience could really relate to a shout out to their stylist.

Antonella – When it was announced that she was going to sing a Celine Dion song, I wiped the remaining traces of vomit from the corners of my mouth (sorry, my Pavlovian response to hearing the name Celine Dion) and then I cackled in glee at the prospect of Antonella butchering the song. For her to tackle a song like that with a voice like that just had disaster written all over it, and my schadenfreude radar kicked into overdrive. And yet, for all the build up I had in my mind, I could not have possibly foreseen exactly how badly she managed to mangle her performance. When I say what I am about to say, I mean it literally without a hint of hyperbole – and that is, not a single note was on pitch. It was the kind of dreadful, off-key warble that would have led to her being featured on a Worst-Of auditions show. I can categorically state that she ripped the “Worst Idol Performance Ever” statuette out of Sanjaya’s hands and had it surgically implanted so that it would be well nigh impossible for anyone to ever take it away. It was a total joke of a performance from a total joke of a contestant. To say she doesn’t belong on that stage is like saying Stalin wasn’t nice to everyone. BTW, it dawned on me that if Antonella married Sundance, she would become Antonella Head. That’s a shout out to the semi-obsessive fans.

Jordin – There’s a disease that afflicts many Idol contestants that I call Flying Too Low Syndrome. It starts when a singer picks a song with two or three really strong notes to show off their voice. But in order to get these notes in their sweet spot, they sing the rest of the song down here. Unfortunately, those who are not blessed with superhuman range can’t really hit those lower registers with anything other than a wavery, off-key moan, and the first half of the song ends out sounding like Felicity Huffman’s transsexual character from Transamerica. Such was the case with Jordin’s rendition of Reflection, except in this case, she couldn’t hit the big notes either. It was a big mess of a performance that inexplicably received mostly positive reviews from the judges. I guess it’s too much to expect an inexperienced seventeen year old to consistently shine, but I will say this – Jordin is way ahead of Lisa Tucker, last year’s seventeen year old contestant. But it did suck. And what was with her hair? She looked like Larry Blackmon from Cameo with extensions.

Stephanie – The thing about Stephanie is that she’s totally anonymous looking. She looks like a neighbor, a co-worker, a bank teller, or that girl at the Quick Check counter. She’s just unmemorable. Even with a smoking hot dress (she should have dedicated the song to her stylist) she just doesn’t register. And I will have to take back any comparisons I made to LaToya London – Stephanie lacks the consistency that a seasoned performer like LaToya had. Tonight’s performance was screechy, off-key, and there was one long, painful note in the middle that had dogs howling for blocks around. And while the dress was hot, her hair is just a disaster. It looks like some bird’s nest. Awful.

Leslie – To counter the complaint about her awkward and spastic movements from last week, Leslie decided to stand still while singing. And yet, impossibly, she looks spastic just standing still. Leslie just seems to be slightly spastic and uncoordinated overall – when she talks, she kind of sounds like Taz. It’s just uncomfortable watching her. Not that the outfit did her any favors – it looked like she just came on stage from a pilates class, swapped her sneakers for mid-calf boots and threw a hideous skirt over her brown spandex leotard. I mean, who the hell cleared that outfit? Brown spandex? You’ve got to be kidding (yeah, I know it was probably jersey fabric, but it looks like spandex on TV). And yet, for the second week in a row, I thought she sounded pretty good, probably better than anyone not named Melinda or LaKisha (and definitely better than AJ), and yet the judges pummeled her again. An all-around head scratcher.

Haley – Haley dedicated her performance to her boyfriend whom she missed deeply. But don’t you fret Haley, you guys will be back together within the next 8 days, if you know what I mean. Haley shouted her song and was upstaged by the background singers. When Haley sang, I could hear the toilets flushing all across America as well as the sound refrigerator doors opening and closing. And if I concentrated enough, I could even make out the dim humming of the hard drives inside Tivos fast forwarding all across the land.

Sabrina – Sabrina is one of those singers that cannot distinguish between power and volume. She can turn it up to 11, but to me it just sounds like yelling. There’s no melody in her voice – it’s just a bullhorn amplifying the dreck that is Celine/Xtina/Whitney. Also, she totally chickened out on the last note. And the judges? Loved it! Whaaaa?

So there you have it – not a single guy made an impression with me, and most of the girls faltered this go round. This is increasingly looking like a two-horse race between Melinda and LaKisha, and frankly, I don’t think there a strong male voice in the lot. Also, at this rate, it looks like Antonella and Sanjaya will skate to the final 12 even if they go on stage and make farting noises into the microphone. Nothing short of defecating on stage and yelling, “Death to America!” will deter their fanbase, and even that may not be the breaking point. If Kevin “Chicken Little” Covais and Kellie Pickler are any lesson, it’s that you don’t have to sing well if the producers have packaged you well enough. Well, at least until you hit the top 8.