One note about “song choice” at this stage of the competition: there isn’t much of it. The Idols pick three songs from a small list of songs (perhaps about 50), and then the producers tell them which one to sing. This is a far cry from the illusion that the contestants can pick from any thousands of songs on the Billboard Top 100 since it started. Also take into consideration that only some of the 50 songs are even in the right range/style for the singers, which makes the “choice” even smaller. And even then, the producers may just “suggest” a song for you to sing – this is why Casey Carlson ended up covering the woefully unfitting Every Little Thing She Does (Is Magic) in week one – it she was “prompted” to sing it by the producers.

Since the producers break ties, you can kind of see who they’re pushing ahead and who they’ve determined is fodder. For instance, any number of girls last week (I would guess Jeanine, Jesse, and Mishavonna) should/would have rather sung Put Your Records On than the song they settled for. But it went to Megan, who is a producers’ favorite and will undoubtedly make it to the Top 12 as a Judge’s Wildcard.

The reason you hear the same bad choices year after year, the same tired stuff that gets slagged by the judges every year, the same songs that linger around like a venereal disease is because they’re perpetually “on the list”. The next time you hear I Wanna Dance With Somebody followed by Simon telling them that they shouldn’t try to tackle a legend like Whitney for the umpteenth time, it’s because – it’s on the list.

And that’s the part that is really cruel about the show – after picking the lesser of evils or taking a song at the producers’ request, contestants are routinely pilloried for “picking the wrong song” or told about the song they should have picked that wasn’t on the list to begin with. The constant refrain of “song choice” rings hollow on this show, and it is unconscionable for the producers to propagate the myth that any poor song selection is a failing of the contestant. While you may have contestants like Matt Breitzke (who, from his reaction seemed to passionately want to sing If You Could Only See), the bulk of the contestants who get whupped on song choice stand there dead-eyed and eke out things like, “I had fun” because what they really want to say is, “what the f*k was I supposed to do?” Perhaps when they got their producer’s choice of song, they realized that it was the end of their Idol journey already.

There’s more stuff I want to cover, but I’m running out of time. On to the shew…

Von – What can I say about this over-singing nincompoop with the Bob’s Big Boy hairdo? Von’s the guy who had one of the most over-sung versions of Over the Rainbow, and that’s feat considering it’s an inaugural inductee in the Over-Singing Hall of Fame. In tribute, Von wore Ruby Red sneakers to complete the merino wool sweater and two-piece suit combo made famous by the Night at the Roxbury dudes. But instead of singing What Is Love, Von chose You’re All I Need to Get By. He started off like he had a stuffy nose from a head cold, but don’t worry folks, he went into full bore shouty Von just in time for the chorus. He may be loud, but his voice is vanilla and lacking any character or substance – it’s like a junior air raid siren. Randy kicked off the night of The Worst Judges Commentary Ever by proclaiming it as “hot”. Simon was right about sounding like Clay only in that Von sounded like a girl. It was horrid.

Taylor – The first WTF was she wearing award of the night goes to Taylor, who wore rubber pants, a dominatrix staple, presumably so if she got really nervous and pissed her pants, no one would notice. Her version of If I Ain’t Got You didn’t start off that badly, but halfway through the first verse, the performance got very boring, like she was marking time until she hit the big notes of the chorus. The thing was, she didn’t do anything with those notes, and it felt like she was building up to something that just never happened. For some reason, Kara believes a successful performance should reflect what it would be like to go shopping with the singer. Judging by Taylor’s outfit, that shopping spree involves a trip to the dominatrix shop.

Alex – I really didn’t think Alex even belonged in the competition, being more of a mascot than a contender. And yet, I was actually impressed by his voice as he covered I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues. There was a really nice tone in there with a pleasant and not too goaty vibrato. Unfortunately, Alex has little range and strained to reach anything that was even a remotely high note, and the frequent screeching and growling made me wince a few times. The spastic dance moves were distracting as well. Still, it was 100 times better than the crap Von was spewing out. I didn’t get where the judges were coming from – it’s like they expected some sort of comedic incompetence, and they appeared to be critiquing from prepared notes and not the actual performance. I know he’s obviously not top 12 material, but they gave better critiques to Nick Mitchell.

Arianna – My wife pointed out that the juxtaposition of the stage lights and Arianna’s intro made her look like a holographic projection. With the blue light and blue outfit, all I could think of was, “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope”. But Obi-Wan probably couldn’t perform enough Jedi Mind Tricks to cover the bad parts of this pitchy rendition of The Winner Takes It All. I really liked her little falsetto runs and the last third of the performance was actually sung well, excluding the terrible cracking of the last note. But the song started with so many pitch problems it sounded like she got vocal coaching from Stevie Wright, and it’s difficult to recover from something like that. In the end, no one was happy with the performance – not Arianna and certainly not her parents (her mom resorted to slow, sarcastic clapping to accentuate her disapproval). If it’s any consolation, I loved her dress, and the Lia Sophia necklace, although her droopy hair looked like she got caught in the rain.

Ju’not – I wasn’t the biggest fan of Ju’not’s slowed down, stripped down, almost a cappella version of Hey There Delilah. I think if you’re going to do something like this, you need some more show-off moments. As nice as his tone was, it was quiet and unassuming, and, lacking any vocal pyrotechnics, ultimately forgettable. I’m not sure why Ju’not had handcuffs dangling from his belt to complement his Member’s Only jacket, but there’s a joke in there somewhere regarding the fashion police that I can’t fully form. Is one of the Idol producers a Trekkie? Jesse Langseth looks like a whole host of Star Trek aliens, and Ju’not joins the fray as Dathon the Tamarian captain from the TNG classic, Darmok. And it’s not just the contestants – Simon looks like a Founder.

Kristin – Give Me One Reason is one of those songs where you can record the first three measures and loop it for 90 seconds, and no one would notice. Kristin has one of those big, loud, rangy voices, but this performance didn’t show that off at all. I know some singers open their mouths wider to hit certain notes (David Cook did it every song last year), but Jebus – this chick opens sooo wide she looks like a screaming chimp (readers from last year may recognize the same chimp in a Separated at Birth with Cookie – however, Kristin just owns that picture now). Yes, Kristin’s look has improved, but then again, you could hardly do worse than this. The coral baby-doll dress almost works except for two things: First, wear a bra (or better bra) because your boobs look saggy. Second, what’s with the fabric flowers on the shoulders? A really stupid looking accent.

Nathaniel – Our Drama Queen/Clown of the night comes from the too perfectly appropriately named Chateaugay, New York. You see, “Chateau Gay” is French for “gay house” (I suppose colloquially it means “happy house”, but gay is a synonym for happy, so “gay house” it is). So of course, the AI media guide has his hometown down as the boring sounding Malone, New York. Nathan tackled I Would Do Anything for Love, and any thought that the song was too big for him was… right on the money. The thing is, Nathan’s voice isn’t Idol material – it’s thin, non-descript, and just flat out boring to listen to. It was all so very high school talent show, and like Tatiana, Nathan didn’t even deliver on his promise of drama queen histrionics. And the outfit was ugly but not outrageous. Boring and disappointing on so many levels.

Felicia – While I thought Felicia had some nice moments and was a serviceable singer, my wife’s opinion of No One was that it was pitchy and that Felicia lacked breath control. She was also appalled that she was singing so loudly with her head voice and not from her diaphragm – this is the kind of thing that will wreck someone’s vocal chords, and perhaps her raspy vocal quality is a result of years of improper singing and not a 3 pack a day Marlboro Reds habit. Indeed, she strained badly for high notes throughout. I get the feeling Felicia was going for a Joan Jett look with her hair, but it came out more like Joyce DeWitt.

Scott – Man, that version of Mandolin Rain was sooo whitebread… how whitebread? It was whiter than Bruce Hornsby’s original, that’s how whitebread. Scott’s voice is pretty bland and goes off key frequently. Plus, he was whiffing on notes all over the place (the last cracked in the middle). I heard him singing whilst playing the keyboard in Hollywood week, and it wasn’t really any better, so that’s no excuse. I have heard many singers better than him at karaoke bars, and it was just boring to listen to. Scott thinks “it’s crazy” to be on the show. I think it’s crazy that the judges went ga-ga over this pabulum. And might I say, this was about the worst judging night ever. Randy was over-praising everything, Kara was giving the most worthless critiques with a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth, Simon seemed bored, and Paula was Paula. Scott’s uniformly glowing critiques made me wonder if they were even listening. The high five with Ryan was funny, I grant you, but that was the only entertaining thing to be had. Hey, I made it through without a single blind joke. Here’s a semi-blind joke (it’s semi because technically, Little Orphan Annie isn’t blind – she just doesn’t have pupils).

Kendall – As she describes it, her “heart about fell out of her stomach” when she made the top 36, which makes me assume she devoured her own heart at some point, and if it was 72 hours later, she may have said something like, “my heart about dropped out of my bowels”. This One’s for the Girls is one of those generic sounding country songs that’s only elevated by Martina McBride’s vocals, and, needless to say, Kendall is no Martina McBride. It was okay in the beginning, but by the end, it was shrieky and off key. When Kendall crinkles her nose to hit the big notes, I get this Dr. Zaius vibe from her. It’s all well and good that the judges thought Kendall won Best Dressed, but what up with that corsage of fly-fishing lures or whatnot on her belt? Frankly, I preferred Arianna’s dress. Lia Sophia necklace beats fly-fishing lure corsage as an accessory in my book.

Jorge – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me was easily the best vocal of the night so far, male or female– and sadly, it wasn’t even that memorable. What was memorable are Jorge’s eyebrows – these jet black caterpillars slope forever upward and then, just as they are about to reach his hairline, they each make a hard 90 degree turn and head for his temples, almost stretching from ear to ear – at a certain angle, with the eyebrows and the dumbo ears, he could… maybe.. if you squint a bit.. maybe, he could pass for a… Ferengi. Okay, okay… it’s a stretch, but these Star Trek references are hard to pass up. The other slightly memorable thing was the weird way Jorge held the mic at the end of the song. It looked as if he was prepared to swallow the silvery phallus, but at the last second decided against it and just slid it across his cheek (please refer to the picture, I am talking about his face). No one has ever deep throated a mic on the Idol stage, so we almost witnessed history. Maybe Adam?

Lil – Egads – it was obvious to everyone and their mother that Lil would get the pimp spot, and since the producers have decided to be transparent with their manipulations this year, they obliged. Be Without You was probably the best vocal of the night, and again, it was pretty forgettable anyway. I’m sorry, but it’s shocking that we got through twelve singers tonight and even the best one had pitch and, oddly, rhythm problems. Every now and then, Lil kind of got shouty and starting yelling a bit into the mic. That’s so Lil. You know what isn’t so Lil? Her badonkadonk. What can I say? It may not be Lil, but it sure is Rounds. RRRRounds!