Just a few words about the Wildcard show. First off, Anoop, Jasmine, and Megan were going to make it to the top 13 no matter what. Megan because she's Simon's new crush, and Anoop and Jasmine to add badly needed melanin to the finalist group. Megan and Jasmine also corrected the gender imbalance that was threatening to make Idol a boys club. Jasmine also brought the median age down a bit – the show likes having a couple of teenagers in the mix, and Allison was the only one to get through that fit the bill. And if not for Jasmine, the purported 13 best singers in America would have included a single African American contestant. Freaking ONE! This isn't a hockey team folks – it's a singing competition. And you can’t blame the voters for this – the decision to only have 4 African American singers in the top 36 is how we got to where we are. What, did they hire the casting director from Friends to compile the top 36? Or was it the Nashville Star guy? Whatever the reason, the result was Pathetic. You’re telling me that there were no black hopefuls better than Stevie Wright?

The decision to make Matt the 13th contestant was a bit of a surprise -- I had assumed it would be Tatiana. But I have a sneaking suspicion that Tatiana was supposed to be the 13th member, and that the 13th spot itself was specifically created for her. But when she wouldn't choose a different song at the producers’ behest and had a meltdown over Saving All My Love, they decided she wasn't worth the hassle and cut her loose. It's the tale of the Scorpion and the Frog all over again, only this time, the producers decided they didn't want to get stung midstream.

If it wasn't already abundantly clear that demographic needs would shape the wildcard list, the pathetic critiques of the wildcard finalists were sure tip-offs, which went something like, "you're not a great singer, but we like you". It wasn't a critique as much as it was a justification for moving them along, and if it weren't blatant enough that they were selected for who they were and not how they sung, Simon made a pronouncement about how they were "casting the show". This coming from the guy who will state that "this is a singing competition" whenever he wants to take down a contestant who is more style than substance. But pity the other four singers who were strung along in this charade (especially Jesse, who grew wide-eyed with excitement for a brief moment when she misheard Simon's superfluous comment, "you nearly made it" as, "you really made it"). It reminds me of what happened to Felicia Barton in Hollywood -- when she was told she didn't make it, her response was, "Really?" Three times. The source of her incredulity was that she was in a "sing-off" with Stevie Wright, and as Felicia heard that poor girl caterwaul for the judges, Barton assumed her selection was a slam dunk. But it was Stevie who was selected anyway, because the sing-offs were just for show -- it was just another lame attempt by the producers to milk drama from the competition. Oh, and BTW, neither to sing-off nor any mention of it was aired, as it would have made it abundantly clear that the judges had already set their top 36 before the cameras rolled.

Showtime!

Lil – The problems with Lil’s rendition of The Way You Make Me Feel were threefold – first, Lil exhibited her tendency to oversing and yell into the mic. The other problem is her puzzling rhythm issue that left her a quarter beat behind the band. As a result, the song seemed labored and slow, and it was really just a chore to listen to. Lastly, there was no vocal modulation, and the whole thing was stuck at 11. Compared to past soul divas like Mandisa and Jennifer Hudson, Lil’s voice is thinner and lacks the fat tone that you’d expect. Her voice is more like Melinda Doolittle’s, but she tries to sing like Mandisa and it just doesn’t work for me. Another problem was that hideous outfit – the pants were baggy and bunched up in the front, presumably because by the time they selected parachute pants big enough to fit her booty, the front became extra roomy. And the pink bodice was bad enough – what up with the lace ruffle shoulder sling? Was she heading to the prom after the show? The only worse accessory was Paula’s dead dove corsage. It was like a bird from a magic show crashed into her shoulder but she was so zonked out she didn’t notice. Just goes to show that if you have enough Xanax and percocet in your system, you can survive things that can take down jet planes.

Scott – I think there is a school of thought that Scott sounds better behind the piano that standing on stage with just a mic. The thing is, Scott’s voice is just as thin and unsubstantial whether behind a piano or not. The big difference is that he looks much less awkward sitting down than milling about blindly on stage. Scott doesn’t gasp like David Archuleta did, but he does run out of air frequently and gulps down lungfuls of air at the end of his phrases. To accommodate the gulp, he has to cut off the last note in the phrase, and it’s jarring to listen to. Simon was right about Keep the Faith – it’s a boring song. Scott wore a military jacket complete with a medal ribbon bar. I’m not sure what job he had in the military that resulted in him being decorated, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say he wasn’t a sniper.

Danny – The slow intro to PYT made me think Danny was going to switch it up, but then all of a sudden, the song kicked in, making he intro seem indulgent and shoehorned. I had problems hearing Danny’s washed out vocals above the band, and his voice reminded me of Elliot Yamin without the soulful tone plus extra yelling. I did not like the spazzy dance moves, and the whole “extend the mic to the crowd so they can sing along” trope was cheesy and had the whiff of a revivalist preacher working the crowd. Maybe he’ll starting laying hands and healing Scott’s blindness next week. Speaking of whiffs, Alan Cumming's new fragrance is called Cumming. I introduce that as an awkward segue to another Separated at Birth. I think it’s high time for Andy Dick to put out a fragrance – maybe something that smells like an old crackpipe. Just needs a catchy name…

Michael – You Are Not Alone was hands-down his best vocals ever, and I was really impressed with his tone and range. Actually, I thought it was he was better than the three singers who preceded him. I had a minor complaint about the way he pronounced “you” as “hugh”, but my bigger reservations center around Sarver’s complete lack of charisma and stage presence. My wife complained that he smiled way too much throughout the song, and whenever he wasn’t just standing there like a lump, he absent-mindedly wandered to and fro across the stage. If I could give Michael one piece of sartorial advice it would be this – ditch the jeans and get a pair slacks for God’s sakes. I mean, I know that jeans work for your thunder thighs, but go to a big and tall store a pick out a pair of navy slacks with your clothing allowance. You look like shit in those dingy dungarees. I’m surprised there aren’t oil stains on them.

Jasmine – The hiccupping and nose singing were gone tonight, and as a result, Jasmine’s performance of I’ll Be There was best she’s ever sounded. However, Jasmine needs to learn how to sing more from her diaphragm – too much of the song was in her head voice, and the big notes sounded thin, shrill, and a bit yelly. She also did this thing where she sang way in the back of her throat, as if she were gurgling the lyrics. My wife added that the whole performance was very pageanty. Note to Michael Sarver – that is how you spend your clothing allowance! It was all working – the dress, the earrings, the chunky bracelet – I even liked the slightly inappropriate hooker shoes. Jasmine’s funniest moment, however, occurred during last Thursday’s Wildcard show. As Megan leaned in for a high five, Jasmine ignored her and began waving to the crowd, leaving Megan hanging. Now, you may think it was an innocent mistake. But with those widely spaced eyes, Jasmine must have fish like peripheral vision a nearly 180 degree field of vision. Conclusion: Jasmine saw it coming and dissed Megan on purpose. Gotta be.

Kris – If that’s what Kris is going to do with a guitar, I want to take the guitar away from him. Yes, he was boring and uninteresting in the prelims. But this rendition of Remember the Time was all sorts of manic and jangly. His voice was still non-descript, regardless of Kara insistence that he’s a better singer with the guitar. The plethora of weird faces was another turn off. Simon’s crack about keeping Kris’ wife “hidden for a couple of weeks” was not met with good humor by the missus. Simon, tell us what you really thought of the performance. I agree with Simon.

Allison – I was so prepared to write off this girl, what with the magenta hair, catcher’s mitt face, and inarticulate responses (and to be fair to me, her audition snippets did not make her look good). But she killed in the prelims, and she knocked it out of the park again tonight, singing Give It To Me with a growly passion that had more balls than all of the guys combined. Considering all precocious teenage singers seem to drift to the Celine/Whitney/Disney soundtrack genre to show off their big voices, it’s remarkable that Allison not only can rock it out, but she’s actually the only person on the top 13 with a rock voice. And hey, she can work the stage too. Her pronunciation at times is a bit wonky, singing “hokay” and “hiv hit to me” as well as garbling a few lyrics here and there. But that’s a minor quibble. The other thing about Allison is that, where Jasmine is super pageant girl, giving careful pageant responses to questions, Allison’s response to Simon’s request to lighten up was, “I’m not dark. I’m not cutting myself”. Gold! Absolute gold! Yes, the outfit is a disaster, but it works with her unfiltered, “I don’t give a shit” attitude. Another unfiltered moment – after Megan’s high-five was left hanging during the Wildcard show, Allison pointed and laughed like Nelson Muntz. She had me at “ha ha”.

Anoop – The reason Beat It didn’t work for Anoop is that the song, not the single, but the song itself, sucks. It only works in the context of Michael Jackson and that video and the Van Halen guitar playing. When you actually sit down and sing it, it falls apart lyrically. Seriously, WFT does Michael Jackson know about gang violence anyway? (Addressing a gang in a falsetto voice) “Hey guys, don’t fight. Beat it. Don’t be a macho man. Beat it.” That’s idiotic, right? Plus, it sounds like he’s offering masturbation as an alternative to physical altercation, which is just Michael being Michael. So Anoop was pretty much doomed from the outset, even if he sang it well technically. Anoop really has to cool it with some of the Bobby Brown affectations. They come off as really cheesy. Zipped up Member’s Only jacket with a tie, untucked shirt and jeans? It actually sort of worked. Weird. Anoop is possibly the most articulate person ever to step foot on the Idol stage.

Jorge – Never Can Say Goodbye started off with pitch problems, and it just wasn’t rangy enough to show off his voice. Too many lounge singer affections, and he doesn’t know what to do with his free hand, frequently holding it up limply in a pose that says, “please don’t hit me!” Those crazy eyebrows and droopy eyelids remind me of 70’s TV detective Mannix. From the, “I walked right into it” department – “I was not going to sing Bad by Michael Jackson”, which was met by Simon’s, “well, you sort of did”. Ouch! But Simon, tell us how you really thought of the performance. I agree.

Megan – I didn’t really like much of Megan’s previous performances because of her consistent pitch problems and her slurry, affected singing style. There are times when Megan sounds like she’s recovering from a stroke, no doubt from picking up the similarly slurry phrasings of Billie Holiday (who, it must be said, probably sang that way because she was strung out on heroin). But tonight’s Rockin’ Robin was actually cool, jazzy, and mostly on-key. I really liked it a lot, much more than many of the other performances, spazzy dancing and all. The crow caws at the end were a bit much – they bugged my wife so much she temporarily disowned the performance. So, of course, after pimping her to the sky, Simon took this occasion to give her the thumbs down. I don’t get it. You know what else I didn’t get? The big fabric flower in the middle of her dress. It looked like a shotgun wound. Her falsetto is still awful, so I don’t know why Kara wants her to show it off.

Adam – My wife absolutely loved Adam’s version of Black and White, from the technical bravado to the way he owned the stage. While I agree that Adam’s technically brilliant, I find his upper registers to be screechy whereas Freddie Mercury attained an operatic upper register. The screeching sounds unmelodic to me. I will say performance-wise, Adam blew the rest of the field out of the theater. And that was some hot-shit jacket – no Member’s Only for Adam. I wish I could rock a jacket like that, but I’m too old now. No doubt about it, Adam is clearly a front runner if not THE front runner.

Matt – This rendition of Human Nature was one of my faves of the night. The goaty vibrato that sticks out like a sore thumb when only has a mic actually doesn’t sound that bad with piano accompaniment. Matt’s vocal gymnastics may not be in Adam’s league, but he probably the most vocally agile of all the other contestants, with a tasty falsetto and can produce both scratchy and buttery tones. The only thing that detracted from the performance was the last string of falsetto runs that got out of hand. I think he realized that at the end. Matt’s enormous eighthead (again, one forehead, doubled) reminds me of the Incredible Hulk’s hydroencephalic nemesis, The Leader.

Alexis – Wow… there were so many things about this performance that just didn’t work. Let’s start with the outfit, which looked like something she found in the wardrobe department of a dinner theater production of Cabaret. She sang the entire first verse through her nose for some reason, rushed lyrics, spitting them out instead of singing, and then, when she hit the chorus, she starting to shout into the mic uncontrollably, as if she HAD VOICE IMMODULATION SYNDROME. The weird, vampy stage movements were also out of the dinner theater production of Cabaret, and towards the end, she started oversinging so much she went out of key. Can we talk? She apparently used Joan Rivers’ hairstylist. Anything else? The award for the Most Hookery Heels goes to… Alexis Grace. This could all be explained if Alexis was once in a dinner theater production of Cabaret bankrolled by Joan Rivers. The hooker heels are beyond me.