Ace – Wow. I keep saying he's only about as good to be in a boy band, and with his whispery, weak-kneed vocals, I would need to add the caveat: with studio help. He sounded like he was winded most of the time, moving around constantly to disguise the fact the he just wasn't very good. Simon's “manic” comment hit the nail on the head.

Kellie – Wow! That totally sucked! It felt like she spent more time honing her retard act and less time rehearsing the song. She sort of acted like she could get a pass tonight and didn't even try. Perhaps the messiest performance all year (actually worse than Bobby's Copacabana), lacking any polish or effort or consistent pitch. I imagine Kellie in a room somewhere doing some sort or statistical analysis to see how dumb she should take it before people start thinking she's too dumb and stop voting for her (and apparently, there is no bottom so far). Either that or she's eating paint chips again. I still can't tell if it's a put on or if she's functionally retarded, but if she doesn't leave soon, my eyes will fall out from the constant rolling. She was also quite the eyesore tonight, with hideous eye makeup and ugly red Payless pumps mismatched with a black cocktail dress. Who was her stylist anyway? Was it… wait for it... wait for it... Stev – ... nah, too easy.

Elliott – Okay, I admit that I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of Stevie Wonder's oeuvre so I may come off like a Philistine, but I do know, like, a dozen great songs he's done, so why Elliott chose this snoozer is beyond me. Especially since it seemed like it was a tailor made night for him. Just underwhelming and uninteresting. I dunno – his tone is okay, but he mostly sounds washed out to me, like Michael Madsen singing or something.

Mandisa – I understand she was trying to something different, like, say, not yell from start to finish. But that beginning was just awfully rough. Then she started to yell. Louder and louder until, at one point, she sort of let out a half scream. I thought her vocals chords blew out or something. Nope, back to eleven.

Bucky – Bucky is like a yokel version of Buh-Wheat – O-Tay. It was about the poorest rendition of Superstition I've ever heard, and I used to go to karaoke every week a few years ago. The funniest part was when he tried out a falsetto – it sounded like a bug had flown into his mouth and got caught in his throat. One day, if he lasts long enough, between the poop stance and the growling, he will totally shit his pants on stage. And then he actually will tell us afterwards, but we won't realize because we won't understand a single word he says. But think about it... this means that it could already have happened.

Melissa – The total surprise of the evening. No no, she was godawful. But the judges praised her performance? You mean the one that was almost totally off key? The one with the washed out long notes? The one where she forgot the words? The one where she looked lost and confused almost the whole song? Total head scratcher.

Lisa – I keep saying the same thing about her not having any clue about what she's singing. “Now I'm back and not ashamed to cry” -- cue big smile. Thank you Lisa – I didn't realize that it was meant ironically. BTW Lisa, that was meant ironically. Plasticky, but unusually mostly on key tonight. Hey, you gotta start somewhere.

Kevin – How low are the expectations for this guy that when he mostly stays on key it's somehow considered good? No no people, Kevin is an embarrassment. And his “stud” persona is about as embarrassing. I am hoping that the fact that he's starting to really get full of himself will turn off voters real soon. I could spend all day making fun of him.

Katherine – Empire waist dresses and baby doll dresses will make you look pregnant. So what should you wear a couple of weeks after you deny pregnancy rumors? That's right, wear an Empire waist dress. Greaaat. BTW, I could hear the impressive vocal gymnastics, but I was kinda uninterested because I still don't connect with her and because she chose a Stevie song I don't know and didn't really connect with. And it appeared that she was trying to out-cleavage Paula. Going after the horny vote, are we?

Taylor – I thought this was the best vocals he's had so far, and the performance was, as usual, passionate and just fun to watch. He seemed to have gotten down some real moves and left most of the spasmodic jerking behind. Great song selection, great soulful performance. My favorite all around performance of the night.

Paris – She's gotta tone down some of the extraneous movements, especially the ones that move the mic away from her mouth while she's singing (Taylor was doing that too, and it’s distracting). I know she's into it, but it's too much. HOWEVER, I thought this was the hands down best vocal performance of the night, an effortless (pooping Bucky), modulated (take a cue Mandisa), and soulful (I don't know if Lisa will ever get it). Missed a note here and here, but really, just an amazing tone and technically top notch.

Chris – I gotta say that if you stripped away the band (which was funkin' hot), the light show (which was burnin' hot) and the smoke machines (which was smokin' ho... uh, actually, I think the smoke is cool), the vocals were rather mediocre. It was like he was trying to sing and not shout, and the effect was, for those familiar with the Red Hot Chili Peppers version (of which Simon was obviously NOT), actually much lower in energy. But hey, it's a great version, but I was not nearly as wowed as the judges were. BTW, this is not the first time Simon didn't realize one of the singers was doing a different version of an established song. Last year, he criticized Carrie for not doing a very good job of emulating Janis Joplin when in fact she was performing Faith Hill's version of Piece of My Heart. Which, to be fair, totally sucks, but is not as bad as Amy Grant's version of Big Yellow Taxi, which makes it sound like she's glad they finally built that new parking lot because the real trouble with paradise was not enough parking. This is the kind of thing Lisa would do. But I digress.