I will give props to Diana Ross for not being a plastic surgery disaster like most of the has-beens who cheer along our little Idol wannabes. Sure, she looks like a bag lady, but at least she's not a facially deformed bag lady. BTW Diana, “pronounciate” is not a word. It's enunciate or pronounce. It's hard to be enthusiastic tonight considering the best part of the show was Ryan and Simon's exchange about Ryan's closet (“come out” was Simon's cutting and to the point comeback). Ryan should just stop trying to go back and forth with Simon because the dude just cannot keep up. Note: no links to the names this week. You're on your own.

Brandon – Brandon's shirt made it look like he was fading away into the shadows, which I suppose is an apropos way to describe his Idol tenure. Brandon sounded like a front runner at the auditions, but he's never been able to recapture that thing that made him stand out. I think Brandon is falling into the pitfall that has devoured most of the idols this season, and that is, he's trying to blow out eardrums instead of simply singing. His best quality is a smoky, soulful voice, but instead of singing to his strength, he keeps trying to shout the songs. But he doesn't even have the power to do such a thing, and he too is easily upstaged by the band and the background singers. An excruciatingly boring performance made worse when he forgot the words. On the other hand, it was the only part of the song that was merited any attention. I imagine people nodding off during the song only to be jolted awake by someone yelling, “he forgot the words!” And how, pray tell, do you forget the words the You Can't Hurry Love? This isn't Shakespeare fer cryin' out loud. It's practically a nursery rhyme.

Melinda – An oddly unengaging performance, I mean, she's obviously ridiculously talented, and she sang the hell out of that song, but the song itself was so formless and uninteresting that it just sounded like a series of big notes and runs. I guess that old adage about being able to sing the telephone book has been proven false – given bland enough material, even Melinda's prodigious talents go to waste, and I just didn't really care for it. Also don't care for the whole, “Oh gosh, I'm so shy and startled by compliments” thing that may or may not be an act, but it is certainly beginning to grate. It's no Pickler-esque, “I'm a dumb blonde hick” routine, but sheesh Melinda, can't you just say thank you instead of looking like you just hit the lottery when you get even a scrap of praise?

Chris S – I hate to chime in with the judges, but that was just a preposterously awful arrangement. For one thing, it appeared to be purposefully off-key. It was atonal and monotonous, and it just sounded like a mess. I don't know what they're feeding these Idols, but it looks like Chris had seconds, then thirds, and then ate everyone's leftovers to boot. There's a fine line between chunky and fat, and it appears Chris has covered it in cheese sauce and eaten it. And while I can't decide whether or not it was a good idea to ditch the glasses, I will say that without them, he looks like the son of Andre the Giant. And I mean it. Anybody wanna peanut?

Gina – If Gina is starstruck meeting Diana Ross, you know she'd probably just keel over and faint if she met Celine Dion. Another victim of Flying Too Low Syndrome, Gina's vocal stylings swing from an overly throaty and off-key moan to an aggressively keening shouting that makes your ears bleed. It's hard to believe she has a stylist now – her jeans made her ass look droopy, and the bunching of denim at the crotch made it look like she was sporting a package. And what was with that silver chain that came out of her armpit? Is that what the fake punk girls are sporting today? Armpit piercings? A disaster on all levels.

Sanjaya – Man, I feel really bad for Sanjaya because at least he's singing the way he sings best, and while there were some pitch issues here and there, it's nowhere near as bad an many of the other contestants. And the reason I feel bad for him is because the judges just pile on him week after week, gutting him for many of the same sins that other contestants are given a pass for. Frankly, his voice is better than, say, Blake's or Chris Richardson's, and he's got a better tone and pitch control than Brandon. But Randy and Simon tee off on him any chance they get, and I didn't hear anything horrible enough to merit the thrashing he got tonight. At this rate, as long as he can tough it out, he can rack up the sympathy votes by the bucketful and stay on the competition. One thing I will get on him about is that his main move on stage is some sort of Ed Grimley dance that just looks stupid. Also, he's hard to hear at times, but for his sake, perhaps a vocal coach can help him with projection.

Haley – Shh... as Haley sings, concentrate... and listen – no, not to Haley, who really cares about that – but if you try hard enough, you can hear the collective sound of 30 million eyes glazing over in your time zone. Listless and bland by a half, Haley should maybe record this as a lullaby. You know you stink when Paula begins her comments with, “You look lovely tonight”. You look lovely tonight is Paula code for “you sucked so bad I don't even know how to put a good spin on it”, and by the look on Haley's face when Paula said it, she knew exactly what it meant. Haley also apparently forgot the words, but seriously, who was listening to notice? Haley was one of three women tonight who appeared to have raided Katharine McPhee's closet, which led my wife to speculate they inherited Kat's stylist from last year. Say what you will about Kat, but that girl could fill a dress. Haley? Not so much. The back of the dress made it look like her ass was melting and flowing down to the floor, and the girl really needs to wear a bra. Exposed Armpit Count: 4. Wear some sleeves, dammit!

Phil – You know who Phil looks like? Gollum (I write this because I'm too busy/lazy to make any new Separated at Births). I half expect him to tear into a big ass salmon in the middle of his number. If you get past the creepiness, all you're left with is a shouty, cut-rate Michael Bolton. And considering Michael Bolton is a shouty, cut-rate version of an average singer, Phil should just maybe go back to Mordor or The Shire or wherever he comes from. I just know it's not Gondor. Geek shout out!

LaKisha – Unfortunately, my reception started going wacky when Kiki sang, and I was only able to catch about ten seconds of her performance plus the recap snippet and the end. Such are the pitfalls of over the air hi-definition recording. What I did catch was in-line with everything LaKisha has done so far, which is to say she's just flawless when she sings. Her dress was another one that appears to have been taken from Katherine's closet, and I half expected a subway grate under LaKisha to blow the skirt up and around her waist. Then she would dump her jock husband for a sensitive playwright and then eventually sleep with the president. Put down the pills LaKisha! Barack is not worth it!

Blake – Pee Wee Herman called, and he wants his clothes back. Snap! Blake is another victim of an overly-ambitious re-working of a song. In this case, Blake only reworked the instrumental arrangement – for all the fooferaw and hullabaloo the band was cranking out, he actually sang the song no differently than if it was conventionally arranged, which, being Blake, meant he sang it suckily. For the first time, Simon finally pointed out what I've been saying all along – Blake is one of the least talented singers in the competition. At least I didn't have to roll my eyes at his beat boxing this week. I just had to plug my ears instead.

Stephanie – I don' t get it – she admitted that the song was wrong for the competition, but instead of ditching it for something more appropriate, she just re-worked it to take out all the interesting parts and left just the boring and repetitive stuff. Yeah, you have a hangover, I get it. Just sounded dumb and monotonous. On the bright side, this was her strongest vocal since week one. On the not-so-bright side? It wasn't anything that would knock your socks off.

Chris R – Amateurish vocals, no timbre, no melody, nothing interesting in his voice. I've been saying that forever. Maybe it's the new stage, but Simon can finally hear what everyone else has been hearing, and it's that he and Blake are just weak-ass singers. The word Federline-esque comes to mind. Yes, Kevin Federline is not just a wannabe rapper, strutting punch line, and the ex-Mr. Spears – he's now an adjective. And maybe one day Chris will be famous in his own right, and we'll be saying, “that Kevin Federline performance was Richardson-esque.”

Jordin – I'm not familiar with the song, but it sounded like a more boring and plodding (if that's possible) version of Reflection. And while the judges seemed to really like the performance (even suggesting she's contender with Melinda and LaKisha – seriously?), it was uneven and had pitch problems including an off-key last note (that's just not a good way to end a song). The last of the women to raid Katharine's closet, the dress was ill fitting up top and did some weird thing where the bottom of the skirt swept up and out, making it look like she was holding her dress out to curtsy.

And in case you were wondering, the “anybody wanna peanut” line is a reference to Andre the Giant's crowning cinematic work, The Princess Bride. Just one of the best movies ever.