Ugh. It’s Country Week on Idol. Again. And it’s not just that I’m not a country music fan, it’s that they do the same songs year after year on this particular theme night. Tonight’s mentor is Randy Travis, and hell if I know the titles of any of songs that apparently sold 22 million albums. But I think I know who he is – he’s that guy who married Sue Storm and has super-stretchy powers, right?

Michael – The Oil Rig Roughneck decided to add some “Michael Sarver flavor” to Ain’t Going Down (Until the Sun Comes Up), which I imagine is some awful blend of burnt motor oil and liquid smoke. The song sounded like, “bladdy blah bladdy bladdy bladdy blah bladdy bladdy”, and even though he was only a slight fraction of a beat behind, it was enough to make it sound mush-mouthed and labored. I can empathize with Michael, having attempted to sing It’s the End of the World As We Know It at a karaoke after a few beers. Total fail. Michael is one of those guys who only owns 10 pairs of jeans and no dress pants. I would create a montage of all of his Idol appearances to prove it, but I have to move on.

Allison – Allison appeared to be in trouble in having to deal with the country genre, but she took on Blame It On Your Heart and knocked it out of the park. She has apparently been singing the song half her life (a mere eight years), but her familiarity showed, hitting all the right emotional points in the song and delivering it flawlessly (I was puzzled by Simon’s “forgetting the words” comment). Allison was, dare say, almost Incredible(s). Paula did that annoying judges’ thing where they will tell one contestant that they should stretch when they do something in their wheelhouse then tell another contestant that they should do something closer to who they are when they try to do something different. Paula’s Catch-22 critique for Allison was the former.

Kris – The thing that bothered me about Kris’ rendition of To Make You Feel My Love was that he emoted way, way, way more with his face than with his voice. The result was a hammy looking performance full of screwed up faces, far away, wistful looks, and sleepy contemplation. He also nodded here and there to indicate strong feelings. Vocally, it was just meh, and during the first verse, he kept dropping out on the last word of the measure. The falsetto at the end was mediocre and a poor way to cap the sleepy, rather boring vocal performance. The judges’ tongue bath was perplexing – this was instantly forgettable in my book. I keep hearing that Kris looks like a chimpanzee. Judging by his wife's similarly simian look, their marriage might be some sort of breeding program sponsored by the local zoo. May I suggest they name their first child Caesar? Randy said he was “surprised” that Kris was able to deliver tender moments. Is there some sort of tough guy vibe from Kris I’m missing? Aside from the fact that he could toss me around like a rag doll?

Lil – Lil loves the hot tub at the Idol mansion, and I imagine it’s like Moses parting the Red Sea when she sits down in it. Because of the displacement. Because her ass is super big. The judges keep trying to pass off Lil as the woman with the huge pipes, but the truth is, she doesn’t have big, glorious, Mandisa sized pipes, lacking that fat, rich tone that rings out across the entire theater and into your living room. When she tries to achieve that, she starts yelling and distorting the mic. When she doesn’t try to do that, like she didn’t try with Independence Day, her voice is thinner than you’d expect, and the arrangement was really just dull and perfunctory. I liked the color of it, but Lil’s dress looked like a scallop with a tongue hanging out. Simon’s Catch-22 critique was that she should have done an R&B tinged version that would have sounded more like what they had expected. Lil did not like that critique. That’s some high-level bitchface right there. Simon’s insistence on calling Lil “Little” was met with better humor. For the record, Lil is the diminutive form of Lillian. But there ain’t nothing diminutive about Lil!

Adam – Randy Travis hated it. Simon hated it. Kara didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was not a fan. Johnny Cash may be rolling over in his grave. And I could sense that throngs of people all across the land absolutely hated this twisted version of Ring of Fire. But I loved it. It was weird, to be sure. It was definitely screechy. But it was so unpredictable and technically brilliant that I commanded my full attention. And every time I thought he went too high and wouldn’t be able to hit the next note, he nailed the next note. It was avant-garde, indulgent, and one of the standouts of the night. I rarely, if ever, listen to the Idol performances the next day, but this merits another listen later this week. Fans of the defunct reality series Rockstar may recognize the Middle Eastern flavored arrangement as Dilana’s from season 2. I’m not thrilled about the lack of attribution (one of my pet peeves, so thanks for the heads up Quentin), but that version was not in the same park vocally (which was the most fascinating part), so I will give Adam a begrudging pass. Adam looks like Elvis every time he sneers, but when he smiles, he looks more like Joanne Worley from Laugh-In.

Scott – Wait a minute – didn’t he do this song last week? I mean, damn if I could tell the difference. Same vocals, same rise and fall – it’s just the same. And it wasn’t that good last week. Paula thinks Scott uses the piano as a “crutch”. I think she meant to say, “seeing-eye dog”. Or possibly “folding cane”. Or “brother”. It reminds me of the way Randy Newman makes all of his myriad Oscar nominated songs sound exactly the same when he plays them on the piano. Scott’s grooming was a bit better this week, but he still has that shaggy mop of unkempt hair that looks like he combed it with a lint brush. There’s got to be some sort of hairstyle that’s better than the Art Garfunkel meets Little Orphan Annie hairdo. Maybe one of these? If anyone wants to give Scott a new hairdo, use the “Mr. Clean” as a template and send your suggestions to airundown@gmail.com and I will add them to the Scott’s Hair page, whether he’s here next week or not.

Alexis – Walking down the stairs while singing is the worst of all the hackneyed stage entrances, because the combination of walking and singing can cause all sorts of breath control and pitch problems. Case in point: as she descended the stairs and walked across the stage, Alexis garbled most of the words and kept cutting out as the mic involuntarily moved from side to side. Alexis has a habit of rushing the lyrics – I don’t know if it’s a rhythm problem or a breath control issue and she runs out of air, but she did the same thing last week. Alexis’ idea of dynamics is to go from 7 to 10 and then stay there. Too much yelling for my tastes, and she again started going out of tune towards the end. That run of aahs and yeahs in the middle of the song veered off key even though she so tried hard to hit the right notes. Alexis asked Simon what “sound-alike” meant. Sort of like when Kellee Pickler asked, “What’s a ballsy?” Except Alexis was serious. Like, she couldn’t figure it out from context clues? Or the words that made up the phrase? Yeesh.

Danny – The arctic safari jacket look Gokey was sporting reminded me of the movie Bwana Devil, partly because the main character is a big game hunter, and partly because it was one of the first 3D movies, and 3D glasses remind me of the kind of douchey eyeglasses that Danny wears all the time. I am guessing the buttoned up jacket is there to hide his burgeoning potbelly – here’s an outtake from last week’s group number rehearsal – sew those buttons on extra tight and put down that donut! The vocals were washed out again, flat in the beginning followed by an uninspired chorus, and I truly have no freaking idea what the judges are talking up since there was so little to commend that they actually sounded like they were lying as a part of a conspiracy. And let me add that the song Jesus Take the Wheel is retarded beyond belief and I am incredulous that it was ever popular. Randy’s half honest critique brought out Danny’s condescending douche face. I’d rather see Lil’s bitchface any day.

Anoop – You know, I had this whole thesis ready about how achieving an emotional connection is as important as technical ability when it comes to singing, and that, case in point, one of powerful things last week about Adam’s version of Black & White was that even though he was singing, “it don’t matter if you’re black or white”, he was really singing, “gay or straight”, and that emotional conviction came through loud and clear. Contrast that to Anoop’s insistence on “having fun” the previous two weeks, and I started to get the idea that Anoop’s ride would be short because he’s more about being “fun” and “dorky-cool” even though all that will get you is an eighth place finish and a consolation call from Jon Peter Lewis. So of course, Anoop trashes my thesis with an emotional rendition of Always on My Mind that really blew away all of my pre-conceived notions of what Anoop can and cannot do. There was a great, clear tone to his voice and he inserted his little vocal flourishes without overdoing the melisma like some of the other contestants do (yeah, I’m looking at your fat face, Gokey). Anoop demonstrated a confidence tonight that he hadn’t really shown so far. The hair looks better now, but is there anything the stylists can do about the caterpillar eyebrows and sweaty upper lip?

Megan – And my other big thesis was that Megan was the new Sanjaya – a polarizing contestant whose offbeat style turned off as many people as it attracted (the Vote For The Worst endorsement just makes the similarity even clearer). The “caw caw” at the end of last week’s Rockin’ Robin cemented her kooky chick persona, and you either loved it or hated it. So of course, Megan comes out and nails Walking After Midnight without doing anything nearly as weird as last week. Sure, some of the oddness leaked through – the way she pronounced “midnight” among other words was strange, and there were some spazzy shimmies here and there (including a new hula inspired move). But the best thing Megan did tonight was to be unpredictable – like Adam, I didn’t know what she was going to sing next and wondered if she was going to hit the notes. Megan now goes by the name Megan Joy, dropping the “Corkery” like an old divorced husband (which is, uh… exactly what she did). The name change came in stages – first it was Megan Corkery, then Megan Joy Corkery, and now just Megan Joy. Just like the John Cougar à John Cougar Mellencamp à John Mellencap metamorphosis. Megan knows the famous Idol equation, “cleavage = desperation” – while the dress wasn’t cleavagy per se, it was very boob enhancing, reminding me of these Japanese boob scarves. It looks like Megan has made some new friends in Tokyo – I hope they don’t think she’s Yakuza. Actually, Megan looked pretty darn hot tonight, ugly tattoos notwithstanding. If she can pull off this glam look on forward, I might be able to overlook the ink. I may even be able stomach one more tattoo. Okay, let me stipulate: only on the arm. The beauty makeover makes her infinitely more appealing and is the Smart thing to do. She’ll keep it up assuming she’s no dummy. The judges universally loved the performance, but I was getting mixed messages from Simon.

Matt – I wasn’t real thrilled about the song (nor did I ever find out what the title was). I couldn’t really distinguish a verse or chorus, and it sort of sounded like he was singing the same line over and over with different inflections. That said, he sung it well, and I like Matt’s voice, but I didn’t find the performance all that memorable. But compared to Scott, Matt is on a whole ‘nutha level. If they had a piano duel, Matt would be Aaron Burr and Scott would be Alexander Hamilton. Blindfolded. Kara started off her critique with, “There ain’t nothing about you that’s small” (that’s what she said). Perhaps she was talking about his ears? If he doesn’t have a nickname already, may I suggest Gummi Bear? Paula’s kept talking about “piercing hearts”, which made wonder about that spoon-shaped divot or whatnot between her boobs. Not even a boob scarf can fix that problem.