Well, the has-been celebrity factor was kicked up a notch this week, with the producers pulling Lulu (who I would have sworn was Olivia Newton John if left to my own devices) and Peter Nobody… I mean, No One… I mean Noone from the scrapheap to assist the contestants in performing songs from the British Invasion era. At least Lulu was game, offering reasonable critiques and advice while Noone offered up bland nothings with a look on his face that said, “I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about”. Too many of the songs were dated and boring, and the result was one of the top three or four snooziest shows ever. There wasn’t even a fashion disaster or totally off-key rendition to perk up the show. While the judges often talk about poor song choice, this was an instance when the producers made a poor theme choice. And was I the only one who thought there were going to be Lennon and McCartney Beatles songs in the offing? Don’t talk so much about the Beatles if you’re not going to get those rights. How disappointing.

Haley – Haley explained to Lulu that she wanted to sing Tell Him to show off her “aggressive” side. Then she sang it like Snow White serenading bluebirds. For the actual show, Haley decided to make is more shouty, made numerous manic gestures, and then walked through the crowd like a dinner theater actor/waiter serving appetizers to the audience. Overall, it was tedious and snooze inducing. And while I know she was wearing pasties or duct tape over her boobs, the uniform smoothness of her bosom under the ultra clingy top reminded me of a naked Barbie Doll.

Chris R – If Hermey the Elf from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer beefed up, shaved his head, grew some 5 o’clock shadow and got a bad case of acne, you would have Chris Richardson. They share the same thin, nasally voice although Hermey actually has charisma. Chris is a bump on a log, full of shrugs and monosyllabic answers delivered with a dazed look on his face. The performance was eminently forgettable, the kind of thing you tune out in an elevator. I just don’t get how he receives praise week after week for singing like shit. Can I have that job? I mean, I can sing like shit. But alas, I’m too old.

Stephanie – Steph jumped out of the gate by rushing the beginning of the song, but from then on she plodded through it so religiously on the beat that it droned until the end. The only things that broke up the monotony were the yodeling/crying yelps that so many bad singers think conveys emotion but in reality just makes it sound like you have the hiccups. I don’t know what else to say about Stephanie – she’s just waaay under the radar. I will actually describe her to people (forget knowing her by name) and they still don’t know whom I’m talking about.

Blake – Dude, get a new dance move – how many times do we need to watch him do the Jamiroquai thing? It’s like he spent so many hours watching the Virtual Insanity video he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Blake picked a great song, one that was practically bulletproof, and he just couldn’t hit that high falsetto part. The first time he sang, “lov-ing”, it sounded like a strangled cat. Making clicking and scratching noises doesn’t make the performance any less listless. Blake also needs to let go of that face he makes, the one where he opens his mouth wide like he’s about the laugh and then doesn’t. I loved Paula comment, “I felt like I was at a concert”. Gee Paula, what gave it away – the stage? The live band? The singer? The audience? And how is it she’s a professional choreographer with worse dance moves than a dungeonmaster? Man, that really was a former life.

LaKisha – At this point, the singers all sucked. It wasn’t just me that thought that – my wife and I had guests over, and it was “suckfest” in a landslide. And yet, the judges gushed over every performance. Even Simon. It’s bad enough the producers pretend they have a good crop of contestants – don’t try to trick the audience into thinking what’s bad is good. In any case, I figured that at least LaKisha would be able to right this ship and dazzle us with another virtuoso performance. And I was wrong – while she wasn’t “bad” by any stretch of the imagination, she was, shockingly, boring. Unfortunately, Diamonds Are Forever is a really boring, dated song, the kind of song that reminds me of 8 track tapes, Tab, and naptime. And she just can’t seem to get a good ensemble together, coming out in a billowy green dress with distracting cleavage. And it was distracting in a bad way – it looked like waterbed from the neck down. The bottom of the dress looked like a grass skirt, which, coupled with her wavy arm movements made it look like she was doing the hula during the song. Maybe she got hula tips from her new BFF Sanjaya (I’m not joking about this – apparently, Kiki and Sanju are best buddies on the AI set).

Phil – Isn’t Tobacco Road supposed to be gritty? And yet, Phil sang it like it was a barbershop quartet version. Just a laughable attempt, like that time Carlton tried to talk ebonics on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. BTW, Alphonso Ribeiro’s last gig was on Celebrity Duets. C’mon, admit it – you watched the first episode. You know you did. You can blame it on a post-Idol hangover, sort of like when you watch Arena Football because the NFL is off-season.

Jordin – All I can say is she was great. Easily the best of the night, and sure, I don’t actually remember what she sang, but she sure sounded good. I really like Jordin, and if she can keep this up, she can finish a distant third. She’ll be this season’s Kimberly Locke.

Sanjaya – I don’t even know what to make of this performance. On one hand, he finally found some energy, he finally looked like a dude, and the crying girl in the audience upped his heartthrob cred. On the other hand, the performance itself was bizarre and downright embarrassing. He didn’t so much sing as shout off-key, and at one point, a glob of glistening – sweat? snot? – under his nose was all I could focus on. Hopefully for Sanjaya, this is the start of a new direction, and maybe next time he’ll whip out the energy and presence and sing.

Gina – It’s time for my “I Hate Gina” rant. Let’s see… I hate her face, I hate her phony posing, I hate her hideous outfits, I hate her tongue stud, and mostly, I just hate that she thinks she belongs in this competition. Also, I hate her singing. Her version of Paint It Black sounded like, “Blah blee blah bled bloor blah blah paint it black”. Shit man… you got to enunciate. And as it turns out, while pronounciate isn’t a word (which I pointed out last week), pronunciate is. Although that word is sort of archaic and means to make a pronouncement and has nothing to do with speaking or singing intelligibly. Which Gina can’t do. And yet, my ranting could not hold a candle to Simon’s vicious critique, which was so mean I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. Actually, I giggled a little.

Chris S – For a second, I thought Norm wandered off the set of Cheers and made his way onto the American Idol stage. Another Zombies song, She’s Not There is similarly bulletproof, and while there wasn’t anything bad about Chris’ singing, it was fairly ho-hum. I’m not sure what it was that made Chris an early fan favorite (Wit? Spontaneity?), but he’s losing more of it every week. I think he’s just too safe and calculated to connect with the audience anymore. He seems to be thinking about everything but singing.

Melinda – Like last week, Melinda picked a song with no real melody or hook, and consequently, it just sounded like a random mish-mash of runs and long notes. And again, it left me cold. And for someone with a personal stylist, that grey silk top cut across her chest in such a weird way her boobs looked like Teddy Roosevelt’s moustache. However, Melinda’s performance was memorable for launching a spitball in the middle of the song that struck us as so amusing we rewound the moment repeatedly like it was the Zapruder Film (or Janet Jackson’s Superbowl moment). I’m sure all the Idols hock phlegm, goobers, and loogies all the time (most assuredly an occupational hazard), but in that moment, the expectorate hit the light just right and revealed itself gloriously to America. And it is testament to how boring the show was that this was the highlight of the evening. Out of the mouth of babes indeed.