Matt – Sitting at the piano, Matt’s falsetto runs and smooth, soulful vocals made it seem like Let’s Get It On was going to be an absolute homerun. And then, after one terrific verse, he grabbed the mic and started wandering the stage. Now, Paula accused Scott of using the piano as a crutch last week, but if anyone uses the piano as a crutch, it’s Matt. So much of his performance relies on little piano fills and flourishes, and standing on stage without it exposed some weaker and less confident and vocals, and his stage presence is bland and generic. It also exposed his way too tight camel toe jeans, and at one point it looked like he was wearing a codpiece. It looked like he missed laundry day and pulled the jeans out of the hamper – they looked dirty and smelly. The codpiece wasn’t lost on Kara – she immediately went for the prurient, saying, “I think there’s a lot of girls out there going, ‘yeah, let’s get it on’. Yeah”. Then she tells Matt, “I think you could have pushed it more because I know you have it in there”. Kara may have to back off, as one of Matt’s female friends was cheering lustily in the audience. And if it is Matt’s girlfriend, Danny Gokey better back off – she’s a dead ringer for his deceased wife, Sophia Gokey.

Kris – This is the second week in a row the judges slavered over Kris’ performance, and consequently, this is the second week in a row that I cannot figure out just what the hell they’re talking about. For me, Kris’ vocals are terribly unexciting and annoying – all of his little vocal tics bother me – the over emoting, the goaty vibrato, and the affected slurring and sibilance. The contorted faces are also off-putting, especially the one during the last note of How Sweet It Is where he looked like he either stroking out or about to swallow a capybara whole. But at the very core, Kris voice is simply indistinguishable from any dude with a guitar in any coffeehouse across the land. Paula called his personality “infectious”. Huh? David Archuleta had more personality than Kris, and David was practically autistic. In all seriousness – I’m not saying or implying Kris is a Nazi, but it was a bit distracting that shirt and tie coupled with the guitar strap bore an unfortunately close resemblance to the Hitler Youth uniform. I’m not pointing fingers or making accusations, I’m just making an observation.

Scott – As Paula took the stage, I wondered, “has no one learned from Lara Flynn Boyle’s fashion disaster from the 2003 Golden Globe Awards?” You can’t wear a ballet tutu as a dress – it just doesn’t work. The shock of the evening was that this wasn’t even the worst outfit in the show – that honor goes to Scott’s “What the EFF is he wearing?” number, an ensemble that takes two fashion nightmares by themselves (pink jeans and a salmon paisley shirt) and is then randomly topped off by a brown pinstripe blazer. It’s just insanity. The jeans looked like they were originally white but were mixed with the colors by mistake, the shirt looked like upholstery from a couch in hell, and the blazer practically screamed, “BORING”. There are all manner of “Scott dressing himself” jokes to be had, but someone in the wardrobe department is playing some sort of cruel prank and should be fired. Even if the outfit was assembled with the best intentions, they should still be fired. You sort of knew that this was not going to be a well received performance of You Can’t Hurry Love when the best Smokey Robinson could muster was, “I have no negative comments”. The slow piano part actually sounded okay, but after the first verse, it launched into the same manic arrangement Phil Collins used in his cover, and the piano, when it could be heard, wasn’t even in time with the band. My wife pointed out that Scott’s voice sounds like a muppet – to be specific, he sounds like Kermit the Frog when he sings, and at this point, it’s just difficult to take him seriously. At one point, as Simon was lacing into him, it looked like Scott caught himself from crying, and I felt sorry for the fact that, as my wife pointed out, he’s probably lived his life in a bubble, free from some of the criticism and harshness other contestants have met with. I want to make clear I am not saying he’s had an easy life by any means, but I don’t think many people (Simon excepted) have what it takes to give the kind of criticism you’d give to someone like Michael Sarver to someone like Scott. He doesn’t appear to be thick-skinned enough for something like this. When Scott tilts his head downward while smiling that semi-creepy smile, he looks, appropriately enough, like minor comic book hero The Creeper. His brother looks, in turn, looks like creepy-specialist actor Steve Buscemi. Except less creepy looking. With each swing at Scott, Simon was not just a judge, but also the jury and the executioner. Unless he picks it up, Scott has maybe one or two weeks left on the show.

Megan – If Megan can make it one more week, Megan will officially be the new Sanjaya. While her performance last week was overshadowed by Adam’s love it or hate version of Ring of Fire, Megan did not gain many fans with her rendition of Walking After Midnight. This week pushes Megan into the consensus “worst performance of the night” spot, and if she can finagle a top 9 appearance, it will be due to sheer luck. The weird thing is this: I really liked it. Actually, I enjoyed it more than most of the performances (I’d slot it as third favorite). I am starting to find Megan’s vocals to be exhilaratingly weird – I love how she just barrels ahead out of control and I love her unexpected phrasings and counter-melodies. Does she have pitch problems? Yeah, here and there, but I think they were exacerbated by her walking and singing at the same time (this is one singer than needs a mic stand). Her dress was interesting in that it matched the tattoos on her arm, so that it kind of looked like she was wearing a dress with a single sleeve, and her hair clip was made with feathers, a shout out to her fans who have dubbed her the Avian Goddess ever since she concluded Rockin’ Robin with caw-caws. Her hair and makeup were gorgeous again – whatever her stylist is doing gets a thumbs up from me. I think there are a lot of viewers who are wondering what exactly was the difference between this and any other Megan performance that finally warranted the barrage of criticism from the judges. It’s almost like they see how unpopular she’s becoming and are cutting her loose before it looks like they’ve been backing the wrong horse.

Anoop – That was a good if not particularly earth-shattering performance of Ooh, Baby Baby. The falsetto was strong, the vocals were good, but the arrangement was plodding, and the band sounded like it was in slow motion. The best thing about the song was that Anoop got to showcase his sweet sounding upper register. I really don’t have much more to say other than, seriously, is there nothing they can do about his eyebrows and sweaty upper lip?

Michael – For his performance of Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, Michael told Smokey that he wanted to “church it up”. Smokey didn’t know what that meant – I assume it’s something like, “hey you guys who pray and read the bible a lot, I go to church so vote for me!” What – is Karl Rove is consulting Idol contestants now? Whatever the case, Michael just tried to hard, overdoing the runs and the growly vocals and trying so hard to be soulful it was embarrassing. It veered into parody at times, and the perma-smile made it hard to watch. When he wasn’t smiling, he was snarling and looking like an extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Shockingly, when Simon called the performance “below-par”, Michael admitted that it was and that he knew it was going to be as he took the stage. Is there a reason he’s still around? Giving 100% is just not good enough. Maybe if he “churches it up” real good, he can stay one more week.

Lil – After trotting out hideous outfits with scalloped frills the past two weeks, it was refreshing to see Lil in a Tina Turner-esque flapper dress with tons of fringe (although Lil being Lil, there were fringe bald spots aplenty in the back). But while the dress was a huge improvement, the hair was a travesty. While I’m glad she switched up the do, the Oompa Loompa inspired wig looked terrible and wasn’t even symmetrically combed out. The other problem was the fact that SHE SHOUTED THE ENTIRE TIME. And this wasn’t even the kind of air-raid siren Carly was capable of last year – this was strictly head voice yelling, so it lacked oomph – it was all volume, so substance. At least Carly yelled from her chest – Lil is both shouty and shrill because while she sings loudly, she does not sing powerfully. And just when 11 wasn’t enough, she hit the “yeah yeah yeah” part and cranked it up to 12. Yes, it goes to 12 in Lil’s world.

Adam – This is the third traight impressive Adam performance, and while I didn’t find it as compelling as last week’s Ring of Fire, it was probably a lot more accessible than anything he’s done in the past and will probably earn the begrudging respect of the naysayers who insist that Adam cannot really sing. A stripped down and sober performance, Adam was still able to thrown in some vocal gymnastics here and there and refrained from the screeching that can be a turn off. The slicked down hair and sharkskin suit completed the metamorphosis into a “straighten(ed) up” performer (Randy’s words, not mine). While I realize it’s impossible for Adam to be the love child of Elvis Presley since Elvis died in 1977 and Adam is only 27, perhaps Adam is the love child of Kurt Russell, as the resemblance is so striking as to be eerie. Also eerie is that Kurt portrayed Elvis in the 1979 TV biopic Elvis (not to be confused with 1981 TV biopic Elvis and the Beauty Queen, with Don Johnson as Elvis). It looks like the only one gunning for Adam is Danny Gokey. Kara had six words for Adam – “One of the best performances of the night”. Okay, she ran over by two words.

Danny – What in the name of Jebus was Danny thinking when he picked Get Ready? This song is tweedle-dee-dee, tweedle-dee-dumb-ass. It’s one note, repetitive, content-free, and it’s Idol death (just ask Sarah Mather). To top it off, Gokey does a hyper, over the top rendition that’s all horns and oversinging. I just hate looking at his smug, fug face, and every time he ran back to dance with the backup singers, it became more and more irritating. Hey, why don’t you concentrate on singing well instead of acting like you’re Wayne Newton or something? I would have to go back to Constantine to find as loathsome and douchy a contestant as Danny. When Simon told him it was clumsy and amateurish, Gokey’s face froze into a fake, smug smile that, with his ludicrously shaped chin pubes, made him look like a ventriloquist dummy. As of last week, Danny seemed to be on his way to Shrekdom, but he appears to have backed off from Chris Sligh’s 3 squared meals a day diet – that is three meals squared, or nine meals a day. After Simon’s critique, Danny may start nervous eating again.

Allison – I don’t know if I could add anything to what the judges said, and suffice it to say, that was the best performance of the night. The way she rocked out Papa Was A Rolling Stone was all sorts of awesome, and being in the pimp spot was a huge boost for Allison this week (I think if she had been in the pimp spot last week, she would never have been in the bottom 3 to begin with). Allison also got her outfit right for the first time all season. I wasn’t sure if there was any way to make her over without coming off as fake, but the Kelly Clarkson stylings are a bulls-eye. I think she needed this visual polish to make better connections with the audience, and if she keeps it up, she may be able to bump off Gokey. That would really be all sorts of awesome.