I must admit I stopped buying CD’s and listening to FM radio sometime in the 90’s, so I only recognized a couple of the songs tonight. And from what we heard, I don’t think I really made that bad of a decision. Of course, the fact that pretty much everyone seemed to do their darndest to join Lisa in the bottom three did not help matters. It was also the worst dressed Idol ever, such a major Fashion Don’t that the producers should have superimposed black bars over their eyes.

Lisa: She seems to be getting worse and worse every week as her descent from early favorite status to the next to go list is gaining speed and momentum. It’s like she’s losing confidence as she’s criticized every week (she almost cried again after Simon’s comments). I feel bad for her in that she’s probably too young to handle the pressure, but she seemed to think she nailed that song judging by her big smile at the end, and that in a nutshell is a huge part of her problem – she doesn’t realize how off key and phony she is, and that is why the criticism hurts her so much. BTW, who the hell wears metallic green eye shadow who isn’t a transvestite? For that cardinal sin, her stylist should be fired.

Kellie: Wow, no retarded comments. Instead, she chose a retarded song. This song was exactly what people who hate country music think country music sounds like. It’s like she wandered off the set of Hee Haw. Did she sing it horribly? I’m not sure, having checked out 10 seconds in. And while sculpting eyebrows can result in total face makeovers, there is such a thing as going too far. Having tweezed out all of her eyebrow hair above her eyelid to leave a pencil thin line at the top of her arch makes her look perpetually surprised. Which, granted, may only be partly due to the eyebrows. Maybe they were trying to make her eyes look less droopy. Stylist should be fired.

Ace: I was hoping he would get to the part about deep-fried chicken, because that part of the song always makes me laugh. But as soon as he got to the line, “drops of jupiter in her hair” and pulled on his hair and held out the curly lock for everyone to see, the Diet Coke shot out of my nose and I pretty much lost it. I mean, how much cheesier can you get? Yes Ace, I know what hair is, and no, this isn’t charades. I was so out of it from the laughing that I didn’t realize until the recap that when he pulled his shirt back during the line, “one without a permanent scar”, it was to show off his permanent scar. And not even a manly bar fight scar – he fell down playing basketball (it would have been better if he fell down whilst knitting and he stabbed himself with one of the needles). If I had realized what he was doing at the time, I might have expired from laughter. Not a big fan of the thick gold chain, but stylist can keep his/her job. Just make sure he buttons up next time.

Taylor: Easily the best performance of the night. Technically speaking, Taylor isn’t an awesome singer, but his voice has such texture and soul, and he has that ability to pour himself into the song that it makes interesting to listen to him sing from start to finish. My biggest compliment is this – he sang a song where half the words were “trouble”, and I didn’t get bored one bit. I was into it enough that it didn’t even occur to me that he just stood there and just sang. He’s more than grey hair and spastic movements – he’s the real deal. But I have to agree with Simon about the wardrobe choice – it just wasn’t him – it was Taylor wearing someone else’s clothes. And unfortunately, it was something Clay would wear. Stylist should be fired.

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Mandisa: Don’t even know where to start. Absolutely her worst performance on the show by a mile. I daresay she was the most off-key contestant tonight – the first part was all over the place pitch-wise and sounded terrible, and then she shrieked off key for the rest. My wife was pissed. As for the outfit… I mean, I know it just plain mean to bust on her because of her weight, but… by God – so… much… denim... You know who she looked like? She looked like Yokozuna from the WWF. It turns out we are going to need a bigger stage. It was like her stylist wanted to make her look the biggest she’s ever looked on the show. Stylist should be JAILED.

Chris: I still stand by my assessment of Chris, which is that he’s more about the band sounding insanely good and LOUD and the light and smoke machines than he is about singing well. He’s got two vocal stylings – the first one is a growly scream that emanates from deep in the bowels as if he’s fruitlessly attempting to relieve himself during a bout of constipation. The second one is a faked vibrato that makes him sound like a goat. None are appealing to me at all. Nor is Creed. If it weren’t so screamy, I probably would have fallen asleep.

Here’s my take on the Walk the Line cover controversy, which is, in a nutshell, this: Last week, Chris sang a version of Walk the Line that was praised by Simon and the other judges and was singled out for the originality of its arrangement. The problem was, he didn’t bother to tell the audience or the judges (and I suspect the producers) that the version he performed was not his and was in fact a version that was arranged by the band Live. From all indications from the interview and his thanking the judges for the compliments, it appeared that Chris was taking credit for something he had no right to take credit for. Which in and of itself is what it is, but the issue pertinent to American Idol is that he probably got tons of extra votes for his originality when in fact he didn’t deserve a single one of them and therefore came upon them fraudulently.

And here’s my take on what happened tonight – first off, I thought it was a pretty feeble non-apology meant more to give the appearance that he told everyone he was doing a Live cover than a real apology for not telling anyone he was doing a Live cover. Second, I feel like if he loved Live so much, he should have been falling over himself to credit the band during the intro and judging, but he didn’t. And what really would the point of the producers editing out any references to the band last week like some apologists suggest? I think he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, plain and simple. Because if the producers did edit out any references, why didn’t Ryan specifically apologize to Chris for making him look bad? And finally, Simon’s comments were an obvious big middle finger to Chris for making him look like a fool for not knowing Walk the Line was a cover of a cover. Because he goes from, “What I like is that you don’t compromise” to “I don’t think you can keep going like this”. So yes, it all blows over this week, but it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Does the dude even have a stylist? I picture some loser with a beard trimmer smoking a cigarette out of the side of his mouth and twiddling his thumbs. And making union wages to boot. Lucky bastard.

Katherine: Raise of hands – who knew Katherine liked to go at it with the old epee? Oh, she’s not a fencer? Then what the hell was she wearing? Like Mandisa, easily the worst performance she’s had during the competition. She was off key all over the place, and while I totally can’t stand Christina Aguilera, I probably would have preferred to hear her version of this song over Katherine’s. Omigosh – did I really say that? God, it was worse than I thought. Stylist should be jailed, but in a minimum security prison, unlike Mandisa’s stylist, who should be in, like, Oz.

Bucky: Ah, I suspect Bucky will be Chicken Littled this week. What I mean is, Bucky is sucky week after week and so his fans burn up the phone lines to ensure he can hang on for just one more week, knowing that if they aren’t ever vigilant in producing the votes, he could be the next to go. So he comes out and… well, he isn’t exactly good (for Chrissakes, this is Bucky we’re talking about) but he is about as good as Bucky is going to get, and considering to overall suckiness of the other performances, is actually in the top half of performers for a change. And now the fans relax, figuring he’s safe... but he’s not. Because outside of his fanbase, no one will vote for him. Because Bucky is sucky.

Hmm… Bucky is sucky. How much would you like to see someone smuggle a BUCKY IS SUCKY sign into the AI theater and hold it up to the camera? And then do an obscene gesture to the camera? How about it Rocky Covington, you game? As far as the stylist is concerned – for going into Bucky’s closet, taking out the Glad drawstring bag marked “CLOTHS”, dumping the contents of said drawstring bag full of C&W duds on the floor, sifting through them with a stick and somehow finding a perfectly presentable shirt and sending it to the dry cleaners for maximum presentability deserves a pass. Or a medal. Although really, he should have worn black jeans with that outfit. Stylist can keep his/her job.

Paris: Absolutely her least enjoyable performance of the competition. I mean, it wasn’t a disaster like Mandisa’s, but I did not enjoy it at all. The reason is that Paris’ virtue is her ability to communicate the song when she sings. The problem here is that this song is a totally empty and meaningless piece of dogshit. It was just a showcase for her to shake it, and she seemed sharp through the whole song and never achieved that delicious tone that gives you goose bumps up and down your arms. And the hair – I know she was trying to look like Beyonce, but I hate Beyonce. The outfit itself was fine. Stylist can keep his/her job, but cool it with the extensions. They end up in her mouth.

Elliot: Boring! I feel like if I don’t actively try to listen to his voice, it just sort of dissipates into the ether. I just totally lost interest halfway through the song (and considering how short their performances were, I’m talking like, 15 seconds here). His dancing reminded me of this bar mitzvah I attended back in middle school. Everyone danced like that back in the 80’s. Well, everyone except the people who could dance. I gotta give the stylist props for taking a weed whacker to his eyebrows last week, and regardless of how he looked this week (and quite frankly, I don’t even remember) that act of stylistic expertise carries its impact over to this week, earning Elliott’s stylist the mantle of Least Sucky Stylist of the Week.