I have to say I never really thought of Gwen Stefani as all that, but man, without the excessive makeup, glued on jewels, and the hair extensions that are her trademark, Gwen looked really pretty tonight. And while I can’t say she was all that helpful to the contestants, her analyses of their weakness were pretty much spot on. In fact, Gwen spent more time pointing out flaws and things to look for in their performances than talking up the hopefuls, which was a refreshingly honest change of pace. I wonder if they just didn’t heed her advice or if she didn’t actually tell them. Oops…

Again, the judging was pretty bad tonight, and I am starting to think that they make up their critiques during dress rehearsal and repeat them without regard to the actual showtime performances. Too many times this season there is a real disconnect between the performance and the judging, and I keep yelling, “what the hell were you listening to?” at the TV a lot.

As my wife pointed out, it appeared that all the girls were wearing pieces from Paula’s Jewelry line she hawks on QVC. Or least, that would explain why it all looked so similarly tacky – all silvery, dangly with lots of braided chains.

Also, there are ways to dial up millions of votes using computerized dialers and a phone system with DID’s. Many large companies have blocks of phone numbers that can be utilized by system administrators to dial out simultaneously at rates that outpace anything a human could do. But the producers can throw out these votes if they suspect that mass dialer programs are at work (it’s in a disclaimer at the end of the show) – they can either determine that too many votes were cast from one phone number within the voting period to be humanly possible, or that a batch of consecutive phone numbers generated a large number of votes. So you can’t utilize this to vote for someone. However, you can utilize this help vote off someone. Let’s say I don’t want Gina on the show anymore. Okay, so this part isn’t hypothetical. But if I could engineer millions of obviously mass dialed votes to go Gina’s way and the producers throw them out, she loses those votes as well as the votes she would have gotten if her line wasn’t so busy. So I ask all system admins who can do this to vote for Gina. Let’s clog up her lines and get her off the show already!

Finally, I added pictures to this week’s recap. Unfortunately, I know zilch about creating web pages, so rather than incorporating the pictures on this page, I had to make them open in separate windows. I was afraid that the pics would end up in all sorts of wacky and random places depending on your screen resolution. Also, I couldn't figure out how to get them to show up where I wanted them in the first place.

LaKisha – I really do like Kiki, but she has yet to really bust out like she did in weeks one and two (well, bust out singing-wise, that is). Her tone is just amazing and her vocal control was still there. But LaKisha needs a bit more energy – there are times where she holds on to her notes a bit too long while over-enunciating the lyrics and it makes the performance sound a bit draggy. LaKisha’s other problem is that she’s got too much cleavage on display, and it’s distracting. While there was less movement this week than last (there’s a fine line between jiggling, which is sexy, and undulating, which is gag-inducing), there was more volume, and she’s going to need to fix that before I can take her appearance seriously. This week’s dress looked like a silk bathrobe, and the busy print on top clashed with the floral print on the bottom. Oh, Kiki – when are you going to figure this thing out?

Chris S – I know I’ve been saying this for the past couple of weeks, but Chris has gained quite a bit of weight since week one, and I have pictures to prove it. Chris was asked during the pre-song interview what he does with his downtime, and after cracking a couple of really lame jokes, Chris confessed that he only caught up on his sleep. Now, while I’m sure he wasn’t going to the gym, I'm sure sleeping wasn't his sole downtime activity. Let's be honest – Chris appears to be spending his downtime eating everything in sight. It looks like Chris is getting his three square meals courtesy of Idol – that is, three meals squared, or nine meals total. Chris is quickly turning into this years Reuben, but only on one level. His vocals lacked the kind of polish you’d expect from hours of practice – it’s disconcerting that his performance was more haggard than the ones he gave in Hollywood week when he had to learn a song in one night. Beyond that, the vocals themselves are just ordinary, and there is just no connection with the lyrics, the audience, or anything that could be considered memorable. He’s just not giving anyone a reason to vote for him.

Gina – What… in… the… HELL… are you wearing? You look like silver sausage – there must have been a lot of baby powder/Vaseline involved in getting that thing on (getting it off is easy – Gina eats a cheeseburger and it explodes off of her body). It was just the tautest thing I’ve ever seen on Idol, and that includes Barry Manilow’s face. She must have raging fights with her stylist every week to look this bad so consistently. It’s just another example of how Gina thinks she’s a badass punk but actually has no clue on how to look badass. This outfit is… wait for it, wait for it… the wurst. And she stands on stage in this outfit and makes Celine Dion gestures while singing. Just embarrassing. As far as the song goes, yes, it started out okay, but it got rough in the middle and she never really recovered. As far as Simon’s comment about how this was the best performance of the evening thus far – first off, she was only the third performer, so it’s meaningless to throw around praise like that (like when a studio crows about how their movie is the biggest hit of the year – in January), and secondly – LAKISHA! What kind of retard rates Gina over LaKishsa?

Sanjaya – I’ve seen some weird things on Idol – Mary Roach singing, William Hung dancing, Ryan pulling out Will Makar’s shirt, Paula – but this has got to take the cake as the most bizarre I’ve ever seen on Idol. It looked like they planted carrots in Sanjaya’s head and it was time for harvest. It was so weird it wasn’t even embarrassing – it was the water cooler moment of the season, and man, you got to give props to the kid for letting his freak flag fly. It was so attention grabbing that you may not have noticed that while he started out rocky (even forgetting the words at one point), he pulled out a semblance of a good performance at the end. BTW, I now know why he wears his hair so long and in his eyes. The kid’s got an eight head. That’s a forehead times 2. With his hair pulled back, he looked like The Leader from the Incredible Hulk.

Haley – Here are the positives about Haley’s performance – she was on key, she sounded pleasant, and she had a couple of nice vocal moments. Unfortunately, Haley is personality free and lacks the ability to put emotion into her singing. It’s just polished, over-rehearsed, and fake. I bet if she sang the song twenty times, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish one take from the other. When Haley sings, it makes me think she has a career singing sappy ballads on the soundtracks for Lifetime Original Movies – the kind that play over the tearful reunion of a wife and the husband she thought was dead. BTW, if Haley gets voted off this week, it will be the second time Cyndi Lauper song resulted in a vote off. Brandon sang Time After Time in week one and got the boot then. Anyone want to take a shot at Girls Just Wanna Have Fun? Maybe Gina? Please? Of course, the most cursed song is Feeling Good, which got both AJ and Leslie bounced in the same week. Another song for Gina? Paula’s “pretty girl” comment elicited the kind of fake smile from Haley that disguises simmering rage. If she could only channel that kind of emotion when she sings.

Phil – Phil’s latest stupid looking hat made me think he scalped Brandon Rogers and turned it into a cap. His version of Every Breath You Take was total karaoke, and for a guy who so creepy looking, you’d think he would be able to accentuate the stalker vibe of the song. But instead, it was just boring and plodding. His voice is just so soulless – hey Phil, the auditions for Grease: You’re The One That I Want are that way.

Melinda – I can’t say that I absolutely loved the performance, but it was definitely the best of the night. Melinda really got that 70’s Disco Diva vibe down, and I daresay it sounded better than the Donna Summer original. Simon hated the outfit, a silk print top with a pattern that looked, to me, like an evil, blue clown with a gaping maw, waiting to drink your blood and eat your soul. I’m not really sure what that says about my mental health. A tip for Melinda’s stylist – ditch the tights.

Blake – Could his voice be any thinner? Washed out, emotion-free, and just plain boring vocals ruined a really good song. Robert Smith’s crying, weepy vocals may be an acquired taste, but they at least give the song some feeling – Blake sings it like he’s thinking about his taxes. And if there was a Member’s Only store on Deep Space Nine, I imagine the jackets would look like the one Blake was wearing. Yes, wrinkle free, phaser resistant, Starfleet approved, and you still can’t pick up chicks in it.

Jordin – While she explained why she chose Hey Baby, I can’t imagine why decided to stick with it. One of the necessary elements in picking a song for Idol is that it should have a melody. I mean, what’s next, Rock And Roll Part 2? Eh, at least she didn’t do Hollaback Girl. But still, if you’re going to pick that song, at least hit the “Girls Say” parts, which were mostly off-key. And as bad as her song choice was, her wardrobe choice was even worse. The jacket look like a tablecloth from an Italian restaurant, and the bunched up shirt coupled with the shapeless skirt made her look dumpy. And the boots? I thought they were socks at first. I think this was Jordin’s attempt at dressing like Gwen Stefani, but it was about as tin-eared as any of Gina’s attempts at looking edgy. Jordin should have sung this one with a black bar covering her eyes a la Glamour Magazine. Definitely a fashion don’t.

Chris R – The song started off really, really weak – like, Blake-weak. It picked up at the end, but it wasn’t really good overall. Chris’ “dancing” looks like he’s walking on hot sand, and his runs sound forced and not in the flow of the song. If you’re going to stretch out the last word, do it as one long, big note. Don’t do it as a series of runs. It looked like Chris got the shirt and tie from a Catholic schoolgirl, but the jacket looked like something he stole from a drifter.