Anoop – By God, what the hell happened to the backup singers of Idols past? There was a time when you would, at least once per show, ask out loud, “why isn’t that girl on Idol instead?” But this season, the backup singing has been pretty shaky to awful, and they certainly did not help Anoop tonight. On the other hand, Anoop had numerous issues that extended beyond backup singers. For starters, Anoop’s voice was really thin tonight, lacking the richer tone he had displayed the past two weeks (there was a lot of yelling instead), and the runs lacked soulfulness. For another, he was pitchy all over the place. But the biggest problem was that Caught Up isn’t much of a song – it’s really all about attitude and heat, and Anoop just doesn’t bring it on either level. He wants to be an R&B artist, but he comes off as a dorky wannabe, and the Usher vibe he was going for just amounted to a bunch of sneering and empty posing. It dawned on me a couple of days ago that the best way for Anoop to cure the sweaty upper lip that has shown up week after week was to grow a moustache. And though it looked he was attempting to do just that, he shaved it off for performance night and the sweaty upper lip was back with a vengeance. Perhaps the moustache coupled with the caterpillar eyebrows would have been too Groucho. It did look like the stylists did something to shape the thicket of hair above his eyes. Now, I know that talking back to Kara isn’t in the same ballpark as talking back to Simon, but Anoop came across as rather smug in the exchange. That’s one of the least popular character traits on Idol.

Megan – While I had thoroughly enjoyed her past three performances for their off-kilter vibe and unpredictable vocals, my wife found them to be caterwauling and Megan’s movements drove her nuts. So we approached this week’s performance of Turn Your Lights Down Low from different ends of the spectrum: While I was slightly disappointed at the conventional and safe performance, my wife was impressed with her subdued vocals. In the end, we liked it equally, and very much at that. Which is why neither of us understood why the judges decided to savage her performance – it was not “boring” as they stated – Megan had a lot of nice runs and riffs throughout, and there was an emotional touch to the vocals that really came through. I think a lot of people are wondering why the judges pulled the knives out for this of all performances. Another thing people will be wondering – “What the frig are you wearing?” After two weeks of glamming it up, Megan wears an aquamarine bustier and mom jeans, neither of which flatter her figure. As I mentioned last week, Megan’s fans at Vote For The Worst and elsewhere have embraced the caw caws at the end of Rockin’ Robin and have dedicated all manner of bird-related tribute to her. Last results show, she wore a dove on her belt. The performance before that, feathers in her hair. The results show before that, a blue rooster dangled from her neck. And the performance before that – well, she may not have had any bird accessories, but it did look like she took wardrobe tips from a sage grouse. I was hoping that there was some sort of avian themed accessory in that tangle of chains and beads this week, but I could find nary a feather. Let’s see what she wears to the results show.

Danny – As much as my wife and I were confused by the whipping Megan received at the hands of the judges, we were equally flummoxed by the tongue bath Danny received for a wholly undistinguished version of What Hurts the Most, full of scratchy, washed out vocals and a whole lotta gasping. He choked on one of the runs, and frankly, he sounds like bargain basement Michael Bolton. Danny the Douche wore a suit with a T-Shirt underneath – hey, the tryouts for the Miami Vice musical are that way. Maybe one day he’ll resist the urge to drop $300 on those douchey designer eyeglasses he’s so fond of and he’ll buy a real shirt. You know, the kind with buttons.

Allison – The first verse of Don’t Speak was just awesome. I mean, I really, really loved the sound of her voice, the emotional nuances, and the unexpected little runs she did were sooo tasty. But as soon as she whipped the guitar to her side, Allison veered of pitch a bit during the chorus and she hit more off notes in that patch than she has the entire competition. She got over that hump eventually, and aside from off-key “la-la’s”, she ended the song on a high note. She has done better, but I thought this was a solid vocal. So after inexplicably crapping on Megan then inexplicably praising Gokey, the judges (with the exception of Paula) decided to spend their time critiquing Allison’s… outfit. Now to be fair, it was pretty much awful, but does Randy Jackson, of all people, really have any right to ask, “What are you WEARING?” when he’s been caught wearing clothes like this and this? Sure, her hair made it look like she was the fifth member of Poison, and the dress was an indescribable hot mess, but pretend for one second it’s a singing competition. I will say this: The shoes? Butt fugly.

Scott – That was a pretty amateurish, hotel lounge singer version of Just the Way You Are. The piano was too tinkly and rhythm problems made it sound slightly behind the beat and draggy. There were numerous times when Scott seemed to pause for a moment only to bang out some of the wrong keys (it turns out this whole time the band was drowning out his rather pedestrian piano playing). The vocals were the same old Scott – Kermit the Frog meets Glee Club, with lots of notes that just hang there slightly off key. He had a nice set of runs towards the end, but the actual ending was lounge singer cheesy. Was this his best performance? Yeah. So what? That’s like, is his hair better than it was last week? Yeah. So what? It’s still too poofy.

Matt – One of the producers must have stock in Member’s Only. Ever since Blake Lewis cursed the stage with them, they’ve shown up week after week. That was quite the rough start to You Found Me, what with Matt starting to sing only a few beats after Ryan’s intro and it took six measures for Matt to finally find the right key. I have always enjoyed Matt’s ability to go between scratchy and smooth, but this was just full on scratchy, all affected gruffness and portentousness and lacking the silky R&B tone that I prefer. There was something awkward and uncomfortable about seeing Matt performing in the crowd. Like, I kept expecting someone in the audience to distract him or touch the keyboard – it made me a little nervous. Then I got bored. Something tells me Simon didn’t like it much either.

Lil – You could almost see the cellulite on Lil’s “rounds” through the very clingy dress she wore. It all so fusty and old fashioned, and between the dress and her hair, she looked at least ten years older than her real age. The song added 10 more. I know Lil picked I Surrender to show off her voice with multiple glory notes, but the problem was she didn’t hit them all (or even a majority of them). As Lil kept modulating the pitch ever higher, she got louder and more out of tune until it was blaringly off-key, like an unending bugle call. Add “weird faces” to the list of things wrong with this performance. At times, she would open her eyes wide as can be, flare her nostrils all the way out, and then open her mouth all the way agape. The result was something out of a Conan O’Brien “If They Mated” skit. Scary, scary (and no, I did not alter the picture in any way). I don’t think she’s ever actually sang really well on the show, even including the auditions. The way that the judges, the producers, and Ryan tout her as this year’s big voiced diva is a sham. And what up with Ryan asking Lil’s li’l girls if they want to hit Randy? It’s a good thing for Lil (probably a very good thing) that the daughter that accepted Ryan invitation ended up hugging Randy instead. That cute moment probably got her some extra votes.

Adam – I never really liked Play That Funky Music that much (it gives me flashbacks of uncoordinated frat boys lumbering around the dance floor, bumping into people and spilling beer all over the place while over-enthusiastically shouting, “play that funky music WHITE BOY!”). Listening to it redone by Adam showed up one glaring weakness – the verses are boring. Adam screeched a lot of the chorus, but he really saved his screeching for the section with callbacks to the backup singers. It all felt kind of safe and conventional – even his outfit was ordinary. Like Megan, I enjoy it much more when Adam is being unpredictable. This was predictable. What happened to the showmanship? The flamboyance? This is just a lot of screeching to me. Kara said it was “like Studio 57 up in here”. Simon had to explain to her that it was Studio 54. Maybe she was thinking about ketchup. Or Wesley Snipes. Or lanthanum. Between this and last weeks “six words” that were really eight, it appears Kara is not that good with numbers.

Kris – Aw, c’mon – am I the only one who finds anything that Kris does to be wholly unremarkable (except for his remarkable similarity to apes)? And if it weren’t enough that his voice is just okay, he stuffs his performances with hammy over-emoting and contorted faces that are supposed to infer feeling. Everything he does screams “coffeehouse”. Then there’s that one face where he unhinges one side of his jaw and ends up looking like vintage Jerry Lewis. I’ve heard Ain’t No Sunshine done by countless artists (including the unparalleled Bill Withers version) and the only thing memorable about this were the horrid vocals where Kris oversings so much it sounds like he’s crying. And to hear the judges go gaga over pabulum makes me scream at he TV in frustration. Allison and Megan were 100 times better than this tripe. Kara finally got a number correct, saying, “Three words – that was artistry!” Of course, she had to use her fingers… to count all the way to three. I for one cannot understand the source of her enthusiasm. Enthusiasms. Enthusiasms.