Say, Dolly looks pretty good for someone who’s 70. Mentors past like Priscilla Presley, Barry Mannilow, and Dolly’s old duet partner Kenny Rogers should get the name of her plastic surgeon, because she came out much better than the other three plastic surgery disasters I mentioned. Priscilla looks like the Joker, Kenny looks like a naked mole rat, and Barry looks like the Crypt Keeper.

No bad songs choices tonight, per se, although frankly, I didn’t know most of the songs. It actually turned out better than these “country nights” usually do, but I’d like to see them do away with these theme nights. I’m not sure who they’re serving, but the bottom line is, if the singers aren’t going to sing well because they’re stuck with a certain song, it doesn’t do diddly squat for the audience. The producers should take off the shackles and let the audience actually be entertained.

Brooke – With her voice, Brooke could have really nailed a tearjerker like Jolene. But several missteps screwed up her chance at gaining some momentum – for starters, playing the guitar was a mistake, as it appeared that she was concentrating too much on strumming in rhythm to really get into the song vocally. It felt rushed, and the tempo made the song boppy instead of melancholy. She also kept smiling throughout the song, which was also at odds with lyrics like, “please don’t take my man”, and in the second half, she started with the spastic shoulder shrugging. A real wasted opportunity.

David – Cook had to begin the night by crediting the actual musicians who had created the arrangements for all of the songs in the past three weeks. This was, of course, due to the perception that he was stealing other people’s work and taking credit for it. To be fair, he did credit Whitesnake for Day Tripper and Ryan (barely) credited Chris Cornell for last weeks Billy Jean version that so many people were drooling over. The issue for me isn’t that he cribbed other people’s work – I mean, that’s the essence of the show, really – it’s that when the judges rave about how original he is and how great the arrangement is and how it could be “put on a record today”, David gets more votes, because instead of being perceived as douchy poser, the voters think Cook is also an accomplished musician and arranger. The voting mechanic is driven by enthusiasm (it’s the only thing that keeps people redialing through constant busy tones), and whether people want to vote for you because you’re cute or funny or talented and make great arrangements, anything that gives you that extra juice gets you more votes. However, if Cook is getting part of his votes for the arrangement, then he is getting them fraudulently. If he had any personal integrity he would say, "when I first heard this version by..." in response to the judges’ slobbering over the arrangement – by just mutely thanking them, he promulgates the illusion that he's responsible for it (although if he did have personal integrity, he wouldn’t be the "rocker” on a show like American Idol, but that’s another story).

Back to the show!

Judging by the first few measures of Little Sparrow, Cook needs to work on his falsetto, which would kind of die out before it got to where it was supposed to go. He could also learn to enunciate, as I wasn’t able to make out most of what he was singing, and the resulting elided gibberish made him sound like an emo Buckwheat or Suel Forrester (dagity bo!). On the whole, the song was set too high to be in the good part of his range, and it was just meh vocally. Cook got a hair re-styling (I would think the precious amount of hair he has left would not be subject to any sort of cutting), and it turned his orangutan comb over into a more straight forward version.

Ramiele – I thought it was good, better than her latest previous efforts, but it was a rather unremarkable performance. Who listens to this and then waits for the show to end, and then dials over and over again? Ramiele doesn’t need a comb over but seems to like the look anyway. And if anyone was wondering what kind of shoes she was wearing, they were gold ankle-high boots with stiletto heels and an open toe. Just like the ones mom used to wear.

Jason – Jason appeared to have taken Simon’s criticisms (and a bottom three appearance) to heart and burned the midnight oil (with a few hemp products thrown in) to produce an emotional, and at times emotionally wrenching version of Travelin’ Thru. And yet, I’m not sure if that kind of emotion was warranted, as it’s more of an introspective song and not the kind about heartbreak or loss that would have connected better with the lyrics. For me, there seemed to be a bit of a disconnect, and as a result it seemed like he was simply trying too hard. The top of Jason’s head brought to mind the underside of a horseshoe crab. What made me think of that? I guess it’s late and I’m punchy. It’s not because of bong hits, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Carly – I don’t exactly know what the hell happened but… Carly actually looked… lord, I don’t believe I’m saying this… actually… at times, mind you, at times, not all the time,,, but… yeah, every now and then, she looked… pretty. There, I said it. Fugly Smithson looked a little pretty tonight. It’s not like I wanna marry her (I don’t have enough face tats to qualify anyway), but part of the hard fugly edge was ground down somehow (I actually don’t know how or what she did), and she even kept a lot of the monster faces to a minimum. That said, her two other faults were on full display – for one, she could only sing in a non-blaring voice for 23 seconds before she had to start belting again. It’s like she only thinks singing is of good quality if she blows out ear drums – It appears to be beyond Carly to actually sing a pretty note. She just has no sense of dynamics, and she is another in a long line of AI has-beens who confuse volume with power. Her voice has actually lost some oomph, and that last big note wasn’t particularly good. I wonder if her slight uptick in the looks department and the downgrade in her voice have anything to do with a tickle in her throat. Not the kind caused by cold or allergy, but rather by a finger or two (depending on what it takes to get the ol’ gag reflex going). The other fault, as so casually and cruelly pointed out by Simon (and followed by a slow pan on her outfit), was that she just can’t seem to find clothes that are in any way fashionable or flattering. The top was designed to look like it all gathered into the middle in an effort to look slimming, but it just looked like it was made of used contractor bags. Then she wore red jodhpurs to complete the outfit. Madness. Between the horrible outfit and the shadows, she ended up looking like Elasti-Girl from the Incredibles.

David – I have this theory that Davey’s dad is engineering a pattern where he’s good one week, then stumbles the next. That allows him to be good one week without it seeming like old hat (especially with Randy exclaiming, “David Archuleta is back, baby!” every other week). Instead of being the invincible Golden Child who the voters eventually tire of, he gets to stay human until, say, the top four. Tonight was good Davey, the one with the pristine voice and astounding breath control. I downgrade the performance a bit because of a fudged moment right before the last big run (not flawless), and because I though the song itself was meh. Second week in a row without lip licking, but this nervous tic seemed to have been replaced by more prominent breathing in noises. Tay Zonday moves his head away from the mic when he does that. Tay is a true professional.

Kristy – I bet Kristy’s first reaction to finding out they were singing Dolly Parton songs was, “did Dolly ever write a song about how awesome America is?” Unfortunately, nothing as red meat as God Bless the USA was available, so she did a song about growing up dirt poor. This song told a story much more than any of the other songs, and the one thing I took away from this performance was that Kristy Lee Cook is an absolutely shitty storyteller. I was barely able to understand what was happening in the song because Kristy Lee sings in a droning fashion without the inflection that lets you know when one thought ends and another begins – it was a like one big run on sentence. It’s like when someone reads you off a telephone number without the normal pause between the third and fourth number – it’s confusing to follow. Every now and then, to denote emotion, Kristy Lee would yodel a little. It’s all rather pathetic and tiresome.

Syesha – I was really, really shocked – I mean just flabbergasted – I mean, who would have guessed – like, what Nostradamus could have forseen that Syesha would sing I Will Always Love You? What, everyone? Yeah, pretty much everyone. After being in the bottom three last week, I knew we were in for some cleavage this week. But for some reason, while the outfit didn’t have all that much in the way of décolletage, it did show how massive Syesha’s boobs are. Close enough, I guess. The first part of the song was okay, but I figured out the thing about the way Syesha sings that leaves me cold, and that is, she spends her whole time waiting for the long notes and really doesn’t seem to care about the rest of the song. No one is going to emotionally connect to any song when they’re actively ignoring most of it, and without that dimension, it’s difficult to really enjoy a performance. The big, Whitney-inspired finish was painfully sharp, and the “And I-I-I-I-I” started out sharp and she had to actually scoop down to the note. The last big note overbaked. Was that really what the performance was all about? To sing one big note?

Michael – I was really surprised and almost blown away by this performance (he’s still too douchy to embrace fully). Johns is starting to get himself back into the top three race again with this one, hitting every note, striking the perfect tone, and generally having the performance of the night. Could do without the ascot. What, no smoking jacket? No monocle? What about the cigarette in the really long holder? Waxed moustache? See how stupid the ascot is?