I’ve been terribly disappointed at the Idol producers’ this year for their weak contestant line-up and for their inability to come up with even a half-entertaining theme night. I have nothing against Tony Bennett, standards, or even oldies, but this show has been listing as of late, and another slow, old-fashioned theme night isn’t going to right the ship. This frustration, I admit, has made me mean, but at least I don’t take it all out on a nice kid like Sanjaya as if he’s everything that’s wrong with Idol today. That, obviously, is Gina’s fault. Let the bitch-fest begin!

Blake – How many ways are there to express how weak Blake’s voice is? Week after week, it’s one of the only constants in the show, only this time it was weak and strained. Blake covered Mack the Knife, a song about a homicidal gangster sung with the gravity of a castrato. No menace, no real understanding of the lyrics – Blake’s insubstantial version makes Bobby Darin’s cover sound like Marilyn Manson. It’s like a Tickle Me Elmo doll come to life. But he can dance! I say, who gives a shit? Pretty corny moves if you ask me. And do those pants really go with that outfit?

Phil – Supercreep actually looked a little less creepy with the scalp stubble, although it appears he’s that unfortunate fellow who shaved his head when he had hair only to find out it had fallen out while growing it back. Definite male pattern baldness happening here. Remember that scene in The Princess Bride when Miracle Max uses a bellows to pump air into the mostly dead Wesley’s lungs and he manages to say “truuue lovvvve…” in a strangled, throaty whisper? But Max claims he said, to blave? Well, all I kept thinking while Phil was singing was, to blave. Because when he attempts that lower register, it’s just strangled and throaty and at times comically off key. Paula had another classic Paula moment, claiming that he sounded like a young Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra Jr. perhaps? Even that’s a stretch.

Melinda – Yes, yes, another great vocal, another overly surprised reaction at being told she was great, another technically brilliant rendition. But you know what? I’ve come to realize that Melinda sounds like a fifty year-old woman when she sings, and the show seems to age thirty years when she’s on. Not even grey-haired Taylor had that kind of effect on me. I feel like my parents’ 8-track is playing when she sings, and I’m pretty old my damn self. And what’s this – another freakin’ horrible dress! It looked like flesh eating zombies vomited on her.

Chris – The beginning was all off-key, and as with Blake, his thin, reedy voice really clashed with the big band sound. I’m quite puzzled at the judges reactions – no, not that they thought it was his best vocal of the season (could have been – I mean, as far as I’m concerned he’s been one of the consistently suckiest singers in the competition so I won’t argue that point), but that they thought he updated it with a modern sound. Huh? I know today’s singers are vocally deficient, using style and looks over singing talent to sell records but… hmm… maybe they have a point. However, I think one of Chris’ big deficits is that while he cribs all of the various Justin Timberlake’s affectations in an attempt to be compared to him, the truth is that Chris has no personality or charisma. He’s like a bad celebrity impersonator – can’t sing, can’t dance, and can’t put on a show (spastic stepping and pee-pee dancing do not constitute entertainment). Chris’ only attempt at charisma is the big smile he attaches at the end of every song. Except he ends up looking like a troll doll. Note to Chris – the suspenders hanging down look only works if the pants you wear would need suspenders. Who the hell wears suspenders with jeans? And did you steal the dumb hat from Blake or Phil?

Jordin – Jordin was very good again (although not as good as her British Invasion week performance). My quibble is that she still has pitch problems here and there, but they happen during longer notes so it’s more glaring. It’s like small dent or scratch in a brand new car – yes, it’s beauty of a car, but I can’t help noticing the imperfection. The other issue I have is that this arrangement of On A Clear Day was one of the most repetitive songs ever performed on Idol. After about the hundredth time she sang “On a clear day, you can see forever” I started getting hypnotized. It was better than Cats. I want to hear it again and again. Uhh… where was I? I disagree with Simon about the “sounding old” thing – I thought Jordin, unlike Blake and Chris, complimented the big band sound but put a Christina Aguilera-ish vibe on it. Not a big fan of the outfit – just really boring and non-descript. You really have to stand out on that stage if you want to get the votes, and her outfit made her look like a hostess at a restaurant with a “New York Style” ambiance somewhere in the suburbs of New Jersey.

Gina – Disgusting. Repugnant. Vomitous. Whore-iffic. I don’t know what kind of insane, woman-hating deviant dresses Gina (I suspect it’s herself), but whoever it is could make Angelina Jolie look like Phyllis Diller. There are an endless amount of things wrong with this fashion grotesquerie, what, with the pouf of pink hair, the retarded braids, the silver eye-shadow, the fishnet stockings (which should be outlawed), the lace-up sack she thinks is a dress, the Hercules wristband (what the hell for?), and the black nail polish. Just a single one of these items can ruin an outfit – Gina piled all of them together to create her own brand of visual birth control (there should be a warning that watching her could cause erectile dysfunction). Disturbingly, she sat there like she was threatening to flash the judges a la Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. And to top it off, she heaps upon herself all of this fake attitude plus a tongue piercing and then proceeds to sing like warmed over Debbie Gibson! I think Gina is the phoniest person on TV, and she shares the stage with Ryan Seacrest! Oh my God! Make it stop! Make it stop!

Sanjaya – I keep telling people that he can sing, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s true anymore because that was quite a pitiful performance. I guess if you’re a Jaya-hayta it’s just one in a long line of laughably bad performances, but if you are rooting for him, it’s like watching a squirrel crossing a busy intersection – there’s this dread that he’s going to end up roadkill. You end up on edge, waiting for him to go wildly off-key, forget the words, or perhaps fall down the stairs. The one thing that has kept Sanjaya going for the past few weeks has been his outrageous fashion sense, and after coming out of the gate enervated and inert, he’s finally become entertaining. Unfortunately, he took a big step back tonight, lumbering around the stage a-rhythmically like Young Frankenstein and singing like a zombie (it would have been nice if he threw in a “brains” and an “ooba dooba” in homage). The most distracting part for me was the way he randomly snapped his thumb in a half-hearted manner (it looked like perhaps he was trying to get a booger off his fingers), and his attempt at dancing with Paula behind the judges’ table backfired, as the maneuver created a wall of chairs that trapped Sanjaya near Simon. Just for the record, dancing with Paula is one of the cheesiest and most predictable things a contestant can do, and once again, Paula’s lack of terpsichorean skills belied the fact that she was once a well-paid, in-demand professional choreographer. Demon rum!

Haley – The producers need to force Haley to wear a bra, because she has the boobs of an older woman who has breastfed a couple of kids. If you wear a dress with a plunging neckline, and instead of cleavage there just this… sort of… void, then get a bra for heck sakes. A few weeks ago, Haley came out in short shorts, and I guess she’s going to use her legs to carry her to the finish line, because her singing ain’t gonna do it. She appears to take Simon’s critiques to heart, and his “naughty little thing” comment metamorphosed into a performance that was meant to be Jessica Rabbit-ish, with its little kicks and flirty head tosses, but turned out to be sooo Kathy Lee Gifford that Kathy Lee should sue Haley for copyright infringement. All I could think about were those clips I’ve seen of the then Kathy Lee Johnson hamming it up cruise ship style on Name That Tune, where she served as the house singer. But my favorite part of Haley’s performances these days are Haley’s reactions to Paula’s backhanded compliments, i.e. when Paula deliberately avoids critiquing her performance and instead tells her she’s pretty (thereby passive-aggressively telling Haley she sucks it hard). This week, Haley didn’t even bother to make any attempt at restraining her contempt, and it reminded me of the faces Kathy Lee Gifford would make when Regis gave her a backhanded compliment. I bet Haley has a Paula voodoo doll where you can’t even tell it’s Paula or even a doll because there are so many pins in it it’s just a metallic looking blob.

LaKisha – As Kiki stalked onto the stage, I thought, “Finally, a great outfit!” As she got closer, I realized that she still hasn’t resolved the cleavage issue that makes it a bit uncomfortable to watch. I mean, if it looks like you’ve transplanted Fred Berry’s ass to your chest, cover it up a little. The performance itself was fantastic – full of attitude, energy, and conviction – and oh, by the way, her voice is just awesome. But Tony Bennett was right about that last note – it should have soared instead of being cut off for an unnecessary and anti-climactic flourish. But all in all, that was the performance of the night for me.