Danny – Why the hell do the Idol producers pick a theme night like “Songs the Year You Were Born” and then let the contestants pick little known covers of songs that were made famous well before that? Gokey tries to go soul/gospel on the 1961 hit Stand By Me, and the result is some sort of mutant offspring of Michael Bolton and Kenny G. The beginning “soulful” intro was about as hackneyed as anything you’ll hear on Idol, full of gasps and washed out raspiness. Watching his fat, fuggy, smarmy face with the Howdy Doody looking chin pubes nauseates me, and those vampire teeth make me feel like he’s sucking out my lifesblood through the TV. His attempts at scatting would be laughable if they weren’t so repulsive. The whole performance was cheesy, dated, and so fake in its soul underpinnings that it made my skin crawl. And the judges loved it! Which means they should get new judges, stat. His ghoulish exploitation of his dead wife made him a sickening figure when the show started – the incessant and inexplicable pimping by the judges makes him even more detestable. Apparently, Danny is just a few Twinkies away from going gay and marrying Liza Minelli.

Kris – Just I case this whole singing career thing doesn’t work out, Kris is preparing for life as a carny by taking Ferris Wheel operating lessons during his Idol downtime. At least, that what he led me to believe when he said that the “instructor” of the Ferris Wheel recognized him but turned out to be an Adam fan. Kris performed All She Wants To Do Is Dance on a podium surrounded by audience members, which appears to be the newest producers’ gimmick. For whatever reason, it sounded really crappy for Matt last week and wasn’t a whole lot better for Kris this week. I dunno if it was the mic or the way Kris was singing, but there was a lot of sibilance and it sounded like he was spitting out the “P” sounds, and at times, I wasn’t sure if it was Kris or Daffy Duck singing up there. But what gave it away was the faux emotion Kris tries to imbue in every song he sings that makes it sound like he’s crying. For all his faults, Daffy Duck does not cry – that would be desthpicable. Kris’ bland, vanilla vocals were again very coffeehouse, and the song itself, with its four note range, sounded like it was the same four measures sampled in a loop – it just sort of started and then stopped. The judges actually didn’t like it, which kind of shocked me, because I couldn’t find a single difference between this performance and the ones from the past two weeks that got tongue baths. It appears Kris was born an orangutan and slowly turned into a chimp. Just don’t get him angry.

Lil – Week after week, I am most appalled at the judges’ high estimation of Danny Gokey. Second to that, I am appalled at the way the judges tell Lil things like, “you picked the wrong song” or, in the case of this week, “a bad arrangement”. And yet, week after week, the real problem is this: Lil’s singing sucks. It sucks because she yells the lyrics, because she has rhythm problems, because her voice is loud but thin, and because she’s frequently off-key. And do you know what really, really sucks? That the producers couldn’t be bothered to find another black singer who was better than this. I know that there were at least dozen singers in that big, diva style who were better than Lil. I know that there were singers like Leneshse Young and India Morrison who were more entertaining and had more star quality and didn’t sound 50 years old like Lil does. But none of them had the perverse good fortune of a tornado destroying their home. Lil is emblematic of exactly what is wrong with this year’s iteration of American Idol – it’s nakedly about sob stories and casting and having the judges push through and extol chosen “cast members” rather than “singers”. I mean, it’s really always been that way, but it has never been so clumsy and obvious. So when Randy has to start every one of his critiques by saying, “You can sing” when she clearly has not demonstrated that fact, the curtain pulls back even further, and the machinery and the people running it appear more and more in focus. The fact that black viewership of the program dropped 28% after Jasmine Murray got cut shows have horribly they dropped the ball this year with regards to black singers. If they don’t clean house next year, Fox will lose this Golden Goose. Lil’s clumsy, karaoke performance of What’s Love Got To Do With It was rife with pitch problems, yelling, and was constantly ahead of the beat. The karaoke nature was accentuated by the sound-alike arrangement and Tina Turner-esque dance moves, where it seemed like she was auditioning for What’s Love Got To Do With It: The Musical. For the first time this season, Lil got the right outfit and wig – that was the most smokin’ outfit she’s worn, and the only one that hasn’t made her look like a 40 year old wedding singer. I even like the Bedazzled hooker heels. The one misstep was the oddly shaped eye-shadow – it looked like she was going for a Spider-Woman look (minus the bitchface). If Lil were a super-hero what would her powers be? Easy! Super-Ass!

Anoop – I was distracted the first time I listened to True Colors because of some awkward hesitations that made it sound like he was messing up the lyrics of the first verse. Turns out it was just one word – the lyrics are “And the darkness inside you can make you feel so small”, not “strong” as Anoop sang it. Upon second listen, I have to say that was really, really good, with a nice, soulful tone. The entirety of the second verse was outstanding, and the first time I could kind of see the R&B artist Anoop is trying to be. I liked the idea of the cardigan and dress shirt with French cuffs, but the Kermit the Frog green was not to my liking. Why not, in honor of his alma mater, wear power blue? Or how about basic black? There’s something very familiar looking about going Back To Black.

Scott – Growing up, Scott dreamed of becoming a train engineer. Other career dead ends for Scott: football ref, hibachi chef, American Idol winner (he could possibly make it as a French chef, provided he has some culinary assistance). Stepping away from his usual piano, Scott sang standing up this time with electric guitar in tow (or, “axe” as Paula likes to call it), and in spite of the axe and the big mutha amp in the background, I could hear nary a chord, turning it into a prop instead of an instrument. Scott picked yet another Muzak selection, this time with Survivor’s The Search Is Over. Scott sang it with his usual Kermit the Frog meets glee club tone with those long notes that hang in the air slightly off-key like so much semi-rotten fruit clinging to the branch only to be scooped to the right note at the last moment. The only thing that jolted me awake was the horribly sharp falsetto run he busted out after the bridge. Simon’s inner child was not McLovin it. Judging by the USPS issue pants, I wonder if Scott is planning on becoming a mail carrier when this Idol thing goes belly up.

Allison – It appears Allison was destined to be a singer, but missed her calling to be the third member of Milli Vanilli by a good 8-10 years (depending on when she starting singing in public). While I appreciate and applaud Adam’s technical virtuosity, Allison has the best voice in the competition, and it’s not even close. Not only does she have a great sounding, whiskey-laced tone, she also has the pipes to hit big notes and the preternatural ability to evoke emotion when she sings. I Can’t Make You Love Me was delivered flawlessly, and all the nuances of emotion and tone were spot on. The fact that she languishes in the bottom three unless she gets the pimp spot is embarrassing. Why would anyone vote for Gokey over Allison? I just don’t get it. It could be the way she dresses and wears her hair (I mean tonight’s outfit was not that much better than last week’s although in retrospect, I’m kind of digging last week’s Japanese Demon hair-do), but I still don’t see how she’s not one of the front-runners. Are the voters that shallow? I mean, I kind of am, but I got over it real quick.

Matt – There were some nice sounding runs in Matt’s version of Part Time Lover (and definitely better than the Kevin “Chicken Little” Covais version), but I wasn’t as cuckoo over it as the judges were. The slowed down arrangement was plodding and clunky, and there were actually too many runs for my tastes. He also kept running out of breath throughout the song. Matt’s back on the Member’s Only train, but he did have one crucial fashion accessory tonight that made the outfit: I’m talking about the hat. Yes, the hat obscures two of Matt’s three appearance problems – the Kanamit-like forehead and the mole/wart/growth/third-eye or whatnot that’s smack dab in the middle of it (the third problem is the gummy smile). Interestingly, whatever the thing on his forehead is, it wasn’t there in Louisville when he initially auditioned. Actually, Matt’s hairline is different now than it was back then – it looks like he had been pulling down a tuft of hair to mitigate the size of his forehead, but that thing is so big it wasn’t doing much mitigating. All it ended up doing was making it look like his hairline was receding.

Adam – Yes, Adam is great. I bow to Adam. I felt the same was about Mad World as I did about Tracks of My Tears – vocally, it was great, but it was one of Adam’s more conventional renditions. I will say that this performance tops the Motown week one, but I’m still holding on to Ring of Fire as his zenith. The lighting was a bit much – the excessive blue glow made it look like Adam had a radioactive crotch. And apropos of nothing, Ryan’s baby picture looks like the little person from the defunct daytime soap Passions who ended up marrying a witch. That’s one of those shows that went completely off the rails. Hmm… a show going off the rails? That sounds familiar. But at least Passions went giddily off the rails - AI's death spiral is simply depressing.

I’m running out of time (like the judges always seem to do), but I will leave you with this: Who the hell was that Blue Man Group looking weirdo sitting in the front row not reacting to anything? It turns out it's neither a Soy Bomb-like performance artist nor a viral promo for an upcoming Blue Man Group movie. It's actually an actor who showed up on the episode of Fringe that followed Idol tonight. You would think they would have known actors who maybe looked alive to promote their shows.

Deeeaaaaath Spiral!