In a week dedicated to inspiration, it appears that the inspiration for Paula’s outfit was a plumber’s crack. Seriously, this woman needs help. And yet, she still dresses better than Carly. Is anyone going to watch Idol Gives Back on Wednesday? I have a feeling it will take about 12 minutes to watch the entire two hours. Two hours of pre-taped performances, useless celebrity cameos, and montages of squalor and poverty both home and abroad. I mean, they tricked us last year by pretending it was also an elimination show, but they voted out two people the following week instead. This week’s elimination is moved to Thursday, so it looks like I’ll be leaning on the fast forward button Wednesday.

Michael – Johns seems determined to put the “ass” back into “ass-cot”. Oddly, it wasn’t the dumbest thing he wore, which was a short-sleeved, collarless tuxedo shirt. I didn’t even know they made those – maybe it’s an Australian thing. For all the talk about Carly’s weight, it looks like Johns has been packing on a few pounds as well. I couldn’t decide if his ill-fitting pants were the result of his pocketing his wardrobe allowance and instead pulling out the pair of pants he brought with him to the top 24 that used to fit him, or if it was hubris – “I am STILL a size 34 waist!” Whatever it was, there were two sure-fire signs that the pants were too small for his waist – the first is that the pockets kept puckering and bulging out, and the second was that the shirt slowly untucked itself. The purpose of the vest was to hide the love handles that hang out when the pants are too tight. Sadly, I know these things from personal experience. Johns’ performance this week was mediocre and a disappointment considering how well he performed last week. His rendition of Dream On was just okay karaoke, and he needs to go back to the kind of bluesy, emotional songs he can connect to and not straightforward rock and roll, which just comes out bland and uninteresting. His constant patter about “dreams coming true” sounded really cheesy rather than profound, and he seemed oblivious to the cornball sentiment. Maybe it’s an Australian thing.

Syesha – Let’s just start by all agreeing that I Believe, like all the other Idol Winner songs, is a total piece of crap. It’s bloated, corny, and bombastic, and no one, not even Fantasia is going to make it anything other than an eye-rolling mess. The fact that Syesha considers this one of her inspirational songs really speaks to a pervasive shallowness that she projects. The song started off really pitchy and low energy, eliciting cries of “BORING!” from my wife. Then the backup choir kicked in. Now, I find that having a backup choir is both self-indulgent and risky for the fact that a big group of singers who can probably all out-sing you are going at it at the top of their lungs en masse, and if you aren’t careful, you’ll get lost in the crowd. I could barely hear Syesha through the thicket of voices, and when the choir finally gave her some space, Syesha proceeded to shriek and scream, oversinging so much that it was embarrassing. That last big, Mariah-esque falsetto note was nowhere near as impressive as last week’s big note. Someone should tell Syesha and all the female contestants that white jeans are a mistake under bright lights because they tend to bunch in the crotch, and the stark shadows against the whiteness of the fabric accentuates all of the folds. I found her pants quite distracting, but hey – at least she didn’t have a cameltoe. If this is the last night for Syesha, her inability to muzzle it during the judges’ critiques put a big target on her back. No one wants to hear the contestants defend their performances, especially if they’re crappy.

Jason – This Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole rendition of Over the Rainbow was a refreshing change from the pretty yet syrupy versions I’m used to hearing. Yes, the tinkling ukulele may be a smidge too precious and cutesy, and everyone looks silly playing a ukulele. But Jason’s singing elevated what would be a novelty song into something a bit more substantial. This is the second week in a row that Jason didn’t veer far off key as he is prone to do, and even his emotionally tinged falsetto stayed in bounds. Tonight’s screwy faces included one that looked like he got hit in the face with a Festivus Pole. By the way, if you are going to do a version of a song unknown to the general public, Jason displayed the proper way to credit the original artist. It really isn’t that difficult to do.

Kristy Lee – In the beginning of the season, Kristy Lee was pegged as the big hottie in the group, but, owning to her lack of personality and the vacant look on her face, she never made an impression on me. To me, she’s just blandly pretty. But Kristy has been looking haggard as of late, slightly puffy faced with a greasy complexion and unwashed hair. At this point, if she were an anonymous person working at a supermarket checkout, I wouldn’t think, “wow, she’s to hot to be working here”, but rather, “why did this idiot put my apples in the same bag as the raw chicken?” While this was Kristy Lee’s best ever performance, I consider it merely good karaoke as her voice really does nothing for me. My wife gave her mad props for the vocals, but for me, Anyway was just second rate Martina McBride, as it lacked the kind of emotional nuance that separates great singing from the side stage at the county fair. And like last week, Kristy Lee’s lack of distinct phrasing made it difficult for me to follow the lyrics. I also have issues watching her sing, as her insistence on singing with her eyes closed bothers me. It may work for Andrea Bocelli, but Kristy Lee? Not so much. The sleep singing is distracting. Kristy Lee is drawn to spangly, metallic colored tops, having worn similar outfits multiple times (my wife swears this is the same shirt she wore in a previous show). This one had an unfortunately placed bead or something on her right boob, which made it look like her areola was visible through her shirt. Anything for votes, right?

David – All in all, a pretty mediocre performance from Cookie tonight. The song started out with his mouth too close to the mic, and the mumbly, distorted, and slightly slurred initial verse sounded like Eddie Vedder as an adult from the Peanuts cartoons. The falsetto in the bridge was weak-ass, as it has been throughout the season. Then he hit the chorus and started yelling repetitively until it eventually petered out. I don’t know how he did it, but somehow David walked pretentiously. At this point, I assume he does everything pretentiously, including brushing his teeth, eating his food, and clipping his toenails. The broad theatricality of his performance made me roll my eyes, and David even had a message for the audience written on his hand, which he revealed dramatically to the camera. Chinese Kristy Lee, meet Chinese David. Ni hao! Maybe it’s something in the Cook genes. This is the second time this season David has raided Adam Ant’s closet for buccaneer themed douche wear. What he really needed to complete the outfit was an ascot. Ass-cot.

Carly – When Carly isn’t trying too hard to smile that big, horsey smile that makes her look so ugly, or making angry singing faces, Carly looks like a young Megan Mullaly. Unfortunately, those times are few and far between, and for the most part, we are stuck with watching fugly witch faces. I am not a big fan of her singing style or voice, but tonight was probably her single worst performance this season. I can’t fault the beginning verse for being bombastic considering that’s how The Show Must Go On goes, but once she hit the chorus, she tried this Annie Lennox style wailing that went all sorts of off key, and then the performance just went off the rails. I had to grit my teeth to make it through the 20 second span between the second botched Annie Lennox wail and the last note, hitting more bad ones than good. When Simon said that Carly “looked good” tonight, I am certain that it was really an apology for last week’s comment about her inability to dress herself and not an honest assessment of her outfit – the top looked like a spandex leotard taken from an 80’s aerobics class, and the high waisted pants were from the Mom Jeans collection.

David – Little Davey seems to have broken his pattern of alternating good and bad performances, and last weeks good performance was followed by this week’s even better performance of Angels. The first verse droned on a bit and his voice sounded a bit washed out (this tends to happen when Davey sits at the piano and isn’t able control the mic). But once he hit the chorus, he showed off his tremendous breath and pitch control and ability to hit these colorful runs. The way he can string two or three of them together is like watching a figure skater hitting triple-triple combos. Davey has been able to keep the celebrated lip licking under control, having not done so the past two weeks and doing it only once tonight. Now he’s working on the loud breathing, which wasn’t as distracting this week. By God, if he keeps fixing the tiny flaws in his performance, he might just win this thing. I know, bold statement. My only nitpick is that he tends to select slightly obscure songs, and as has been evidenced time and again, singing well known songs helps your vote count, as the viewers are more likely to remember your performance and vote for you when they can associate your name with the song you sang. If the song is anonymous, that association weakens. I can’t really say any of this is going to stop him, but I don’t think a song like Angels or The Voice will help him as he nears the final two. Without hair gel, Davey looks even more like a Troll Doll than usual.

Brooke – It was just so overwrought, with all the cracking vocals and plaintive faces. I don’t think Brooke was able to find the proper emotional touch for You’ve Got A Friend, going so far overboard with sadness that only tinges the song that it sounded mopey and almost ominous. On top of that, she just tried too hard, and it lacked the lightness and looseness that Brooke needs to project. There was one point, after she sang Let It Be (all of four weeks ago) that she might make it to the final three. That performance seems so far away now, and I’m not sure how she slid so far and how she can get back to that place. Brooke’s outfit looked like a formless sack, and it really needed a belt to give it some shape. Unfortunately, Brooke seems to have lost as much weight as Michael and Carly have gained, and she might need to bust out that awl to punch new holes in her belt. Brooke’s hair was another stylistic misstep, as it looked like she just walked in from the rain and she had forgotten her umbrella. It was as droopy as her performance.