Gosh, the American Idol world has gone topsy-turvy tonight, what with the two best singers having lackluster performances while the two worst rise to the top. If this keeps up, my toilet will start flushing the other way, it will snow in June, and I’ll actually miss Gina. Okay, that’s never gonna happen. Can I tell you how happy I was when she got voted off? For some reason, there’s always one contestant every season that just irks me, just rubs me the wrong way, and I despise them. Season 4 – Constantine. Season 5 – Pickler. This season – Gina. Buh-bye and good riddance.

Tonight’s hodgepodge of songs was weird – I mean, yes, they were all “Latin” songs, but none of them had any latin flava. And since when has Jennifer Lopez become the ambassador for Latin music? Other than her recent Spanish album, she’s mostly put out a string of forgettable hip-hop fluff. And does anyone even remember the last time she was in a movie or a TV show? Was it In Living Color? I guess she’s famous for being famous? And why so much Miami Sound Machine? That and Celine Dion were the two artists we tried to ban from our wedding – just an earsore. But I will say that I was pleasantly surprised that the show turned out so well tonight. Well, I would say that if I were living in the land of backwards flushing and snowy Junes. In this reality, the show sucked. Again.

Melinda – J Lo thought, “for a second”, that Melinda was “sultry and sexy”. I’m thinking more like a split second. More like the time it takes for an excited electron to drop from an outer shell back to it’s normal level. C’mon – this is Melinda – you can’t use the words “sultry and sexy” in a sentence with “Melinda” unless the word “not” is somewhere in the mix. And when I heard that Melinda was going to do an old song, I thought, “Gee, Melinda doing an old song? What are the chances?” The answer – 100%. My wife loved the hair because it created space above her shoulders, creating the illusion of a neck. My response was, “1962 called – and it wants its hair back.” Surprisingly boring and unexciting, her performance lacked her usual vocal sparkle, and the song didn’t allow her to show off her voice like she usually does. By God Melinda – at least pick an exciting old song.

LaKisha – It’s too bad she picked this song, because Conga has two of the classic Idol pitfalls – the first is that it doesn’t allow the singer to show off their voice, and the second one (which is one of my pet peeves) is that the lyrics are repetitive. It’s deathly boring to hear any performer sing the same freaking line over and over again, and it’s even worse when the singer is thinking about dance moves and sounds wholly distracted. And speaking of distracted – I know I’ve spent the better part of 2 months begging Kiki to wear something nice that doesn’t show off too much cleavage, and while she seemed to be on the right track last week (nice dress but still too much cleavage), she comes back this week with a dress that looks like Darth Maul’s face, sports a ton of cleavage, and then ups the ante by revealing bulging flaps of back fat, such that it looked like she had as much cleavage in the back as she did in the front. I fear that LaKisha’s ill-advised attempts at looking sexy will backfire on her, and she only has to look back at Gina’s vote off to witness that dressing horrendously will get you the boot even if you aren’t the worst singer of the night. It also didn’t help that she wasn’t really that good tonight, only having a couple of nice vocal moments and leaving me wondering halfway through the song when this thing was going to end. That’s not the Kiki I know.

Chris – I think I can walk into any karaoke night in any bar around the country and hear what Chris did with Smooth. Probably better. Just pedestrian, weak-ass vocals mixed with spastic, cringe-worthy “dance” moves – plus, Chris is actually less soulful than Rob Thomas. The head spasm move during the last run of the song reminded me of E.T. when he startled by Elliot. I still cannot fathom the constant stream of positive comments he elicits from the judges – Simon’s constant refrain that Chris is making an old song sound “modern” is laughable at best. I suppose if your musical tastes are still in the boy band sound of the 90’s you’d think pussy-ass girly singing is somehow “modern”, but I just can’t wrap my brain around why the judges have a hard-on for this pudgy-faced, charisma-free wannabe.

Haley – Shockingly, my wife and I thought she was good. I mean, it was definitely her best performance yet, going a step or two beyond Kathy Lee Gifford and breaking out of the cruise ship phoniness that has plagued her entire Idol tenure (of course, it helped that Turn the Beat Around is semi-retarded and emotion-free, so I guess Haley was finally able to relate to a song). And yet the judges just savaged her in a display of unwarranted brutality that actually had me feeling sorry for her. Randy’s “really karaoke” comment, as mean as it was, was simply an appetizer for the onslaught to follow. Paula continued her passive-aggressive rampage against Haley, this time telling her, “It’s not a singer’s song, but it’s a fun song, and I think you had fun up there.” But you wouldn’t call it singing, right? I mean, wow – the claws may have been invisible, but man, they were out and they cut deep. It almost seems like Paula thinks Haley is going to take her job. Or her boyfriend. Or her whiskey flask. Jeez – watch Mean Girls much? So after Randy’s body blow and Paula’s shank in the belly, Simon comes up with this – “wear the least amount of clothes possible… because you can’t do well in this competition based on your voice.” I was surprised she didn’t start crying immediately on Ryan’s shoulder. Simon even got one of Haley’s eye-roll looks, the one with the fake smile hiding the seething rage. And as long-legged as Haley presents herself, her short-shorts did reveal the dreaded “C” word – no, not cancer… no, not that word, her hot pants weren’t that short – no, the “C” word I’m talking about is… cellulite. Was it the visual horror that is back cleavage? No, but those gams aren’t as flawless as some people think. Regardless of the judges’ comments, Haley was waaaay better than Chris (whom they lionized) and actually had one of the best performances of the night. Is Paula starting to share her pharmaceuticals with the boys?

Phil – I can’t stand Phil, can’t his creepy face, his stupid hats, and his inability to sing in a lower register without sound like a honking goose. As he starts going up, he begins to sing through his nose. When he tries to hit one final big note, his voice cracks going into it. It’s not that Phil has zero charisma – he actually has negative charisma. He has no personality and he sucks up to the judges in a manner that’s embarrassing. How is he still on the show? Who the hell is voting for him? Are voters confusing him with someone else? No, really – what the hell? I don’t get it. BTW, every time I see him in that knit hat, I want to burn it (and I don’t really care if it’s on or off his head at the time, just so long as it’s quick). Could it be more effeminate? And why can’t he wear hats normally – why does he pull them over his ears? Do you really have to learn how to wear hats?

Jordin – If Teena Marie sang Gloria Estefan, I imagine it would sound something like Jordin’s rendition of Rhythm is Gonna Get You, which is not to say I loved it, but hey – sounding like Teena Marie is a pretty good thing. It’s not that there’s anything about Jordin that bothers me, but there’s nothing about Jordin that particularly gets to me, and she keeps picking songs with repetitive lyrics. She’s also got to dress better – it’s not embarrassing like LaKisha, but I haven’t like most of her outfits, and I wasn’t a big fan of tonight’s Inspector Gadget outfit. It really shouldn’t be too hard for her to look like a knockout on a regular basis, should it? Anything you do to stand out to the voters can get you more votes, and at this point in the competition, you can use any vote you can get. Dress less forgettably.

Blake – I think this is the best Blake has sounded thus far, although I do wonder if it’s because his mic was turned up or if he suddenly learned how to sing. I suspect it was mostly the former, because this was the first time I was able to hear him above the band. My only complaint (other than the fact that his voice is unspectacular regardless) is that he started yelling the lyrics towards the end. Of course, Blake made a savvy song choice here – he could stay in his comfort zone in a very safe key, and it’s not like he would compare unfavorably to the underwhelming vocal stylings of Marc Anthony. I don’t know what Blake’s pre-performance warm-ups include, but apparently, it consists of jogging or lifting weights, because he somehow sweat through two different shirts. Either that or he stole the shirt from a homeless guy and he never washed out the pit stains. Ewwww…

Sanjaya – I may have had a crisis of faith last week, but after months of insisting that he could sing (against great popular opinion otherwise), Sanjaya finally sat down, ditched the wacky outfits and outrageous hair-do’s, and actually sang beautifully! Unbelievable! I really enjoyed his rendition of Besame Mucho, and while I admit part of me was waiting for something to go wrong, he not only pulled it off, he easily scored the best performance of the night. Probably the most joyous reaction I’ve seen from anyone who was told, “It wasn’t horrible.” If Sanjaya has finally tapped into something and sings this well from now on, he may actually be a real contender and not the joke of the competition. I’m not making any predictions mind you, I’m just spitballing here. Let me say it again – I told you he could sing! Hah!