It’s Movie Song night with guest mentor and hardcore Idol geek Quentin Tarantino. Taratino’s newest flick, Inglorious Basterds (sic) was only referred to as his “WWII action movie” and not by name (it is, in a manner of speaking, a clash of the titans). I guess “Basterds” is okay to use in print but sounds exactly like “bastards” when spoken, and was thus considered (considard?) a no-no for family hour. Due to overlong critiques last week, Idol ran so far over that Adam’s pimp spot performance of Mad World was cut off in its entirety for anyone who used a DVR to record the show and pushed the following show into the news hour. When you add a fourth judge to a show that regularly ran overlong anyway, what did you think would happen? To rectify this, they split the judging tonight, with the teams of Paula & Simon and Randy & Kara alternating critiques. The net effect, of course, was to highlight which contestants were being pimped by getting feedback from Simon (Allison, Adam, Danny, and Lil) versus the ones who are turning into fodder (Anoop, Matt, and Kris).

Movie night also ended up being “The Night of All Those Songs I Hate”. I suppose it’s inevitable that someone was going to sing one of those pukey Ryan Adams soundtrack songs, but both? In one night? Egads.

Allison – I really hate these syrupy ballads that Diane Warren writes, and I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing is exactly the kind of rock ballad hack work that made me gag the first time I heard it and was unfortunately all over the radio that summer (the only thing that stopped me from throwing up on a daily basis was that I stopped listening to the radio by then). Allison’s version was well performed and all, but I just couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for it at any point. I did notice the frequent pronunciation oddities that turned “thing” into “sthang”, “don’t” into “ton’t”, and “I” into “Hi” (among others). Suffice it to say it started off okay, was a bit oversung in spots on the middle, and ended big. When she oversings, her voice cuts out at times, and it sounds like she’s going to blow out her vocal chords (it’s like an Asia’h Epperson waiting to happen). I can’t even begin to describe the mess of an outfit she was wearing, what with the striped pants and the oversized belted blouse that made it look like she was wearing Elizabethan pumpkin pants a la privateer Francis Drake. The single, fingerless lace glove was a hybrid of the worst parts of Madonna and Michael Jackson’s fashion mistakes. There are so many things about Allison that I absolutely love, but fashion sense is not one of them.

Anoop – The first of the shitty Bryan Adams songs of the night, Everything I Do is one of those songs that I thoroughly detest (the movie it came from is almost as bad). I like Anoop, but once again, it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the performance when I’m grinding my teeth throughout. I mean, it was pleasantly sung and all and there were a couple of nice moments, but this song is pure blecch. Anoop has been plagued the entire season by visible upper lip sweat, but tonight it was copious. It was so bad he had to wipe it away during judging. While I am not as fond of Anoop as I am of Allison, they do share one trait – neither of them has any fashion sense. Tonight’s outfit was a mess – Burberry dress shirt with a striped tie, jeans, sneakers (!) and a jacket that looks like a varsity jacket but is really a blazer that has white sleeves to look like a varsity jacket. What manner of insanity is this? And why sneakers? And I can’t remember a time Anoop didn’t wear jeans. Incidentally, it appears the producers want to bury Anoop – they give him the B team judges and they put him in the two spot. That one-two punch is an almost certain ticket home.

Adam – So Adam comes out with a song I like, although to say Born to Be Wild is overplayed is an understatement. At the start of the song, I get a real, Play That Funky Music vibe – Adam’s singing the shit out of it, but it’s very showy karaoke, and there isn’t much going on other than some hyper-active stage work. Plus, I’m not all that thrilled with how he changed up the chorus (not in a purist way – I just didn’t like the way it sounded). So I’m starting to check out when all of a sudden, he just unloads at the very end – it was the aural equivalent of watching fireworks. Is it music? Is it art? I’ll say yeah on both counts, but even if you don’t think so, it sure was technically impressive. Even though he said it was good, I got the feeling that Simon didn’t like it all that much. I think Simon would like a bit more control over Adam’s performance choices, but Adam likes to flip flop between theatrical bombast and slower, more personal stuff. Adam’s outfit looked like some cross between magician Criss Angel and Bowser from Sha Na Na (the skinny jeans and high top sneakers) with a little bit of Superboy thrown in.

Matt – Ugh – and now for the second Bryan Adams shit song. As much as I checked out during To Really Love a Woman, I couldn’t help but notice some things. First off, there were a lot of pitch problems, and the bridge was pretty badly off key. The vocals were just kind of boring and didn’t really do anything for me. And Matt has to learn proper breath control – he’s constantly running out of air when he sings. But the thing I really noticed, and I don’t know if it was the lighting or if it grew some more, but what I really, really, really noticed was that growth in the middle of his eighthead. At times, it was so prominent, Matt reminded me of JLA nemesis Despero, who has a third eye in the middle of his forehead. Matt received the double-whammy – he had to get his critique from Randy & Kara, and they both didn’t like it. Don’t be sad about it Matt, just keep smiling. Speaking of judging, what was Simon doing during Kara’s critique? It looked like he was mocking the way Kara speaks.

Danny – Don Johnson called, and he wants his look back. Seriously, why are you wearing the Miami Vice outfit tonight instead of during last week’s Songs When You Were Born theme since you were born in the 80’s? Danny ditched the douche glasses tonight a chose Endless Love because it “touches my heart the most”. Now, he didn’t outright say it was in memory of his dead wife, as that angle became so overdone it caused a backlash. But it was obviously implied that it was for his wife, as both the song title and theme suggested such (the maudlin harp accompaniment put it over the top). Plus, this guy is back! Yes, that’s the guy who shamelessly thrust the picture of Danny’s dead wife into the camera a while back, urging us to vote for Danny because, if you didn’t know already, his wife was dead. So Danny gets to exhume and exploit Sophia one more time without actually mentioning her name, thus shielding him from charges that he’s gone to this well one too many times. One day, Danny’s ghoulish behavior is going to be the inspiration for a novel about a monster. Kind of like what happened to Vlad the Impaler. For the umpteenth time, Danny sounded washed out, was frequently off key, and then ended in shouting. And the judges loved it! The judging for Danny has turned into utter nonsense. He is nowhere near as good as they claim. Not even close. Adam has more talent in his belly button lint than Gokey can muster up on a good night. Bottom line: Danny stinks.

Kris – Okay, finally – a good song. A great song, in fact. Falling Slowly is the Oscar winning song from the movie Once, and run out and rent it if you haven’t already (especially if you love music and especially if you’re a musician). Please don’t let Kris’ rendition stop you. He started out too low, causing the pitch to waver uncontrollably in the first verse. Then he started doing that yodely cry-singing from the back of his throat, where he sounds like Tim Roth in that scene from Reservoir Dogs after he gets shot and talks to the cop that’s being held hostage (except a little less Yoda sounding). Even though he started low, he still could barely reach the higher notes, and the last note was a ridiculously weak falsetto. If you cut through the crying noises, there just isn’t any real emotional connection to the song – it had the same fake emotion from start to finish. He ended the performance with a facial expression that was supposed to show emotion, but ended up looking more like showing the need for more fiber in his diet. Is anyone really enjoying this or is it just because he’s “cute”? Because his singing is just piffle.

Lil – I thought Paula’s critique for Lil was interesting – she praised the song and the beauty of its lyrics and then paraphrased one of the lines about the road being really long (she also got to name drop Amanda McBroom as part of Paula’s new kick of looking like she knows anything about music). What she didn’t say was anything about Lil’s performance, and that silence speaks volumes – if Paula can’t even muster up a couple of fakey compliments, then you must have suuuuucked. Simon ripped her apart for her song choice but still didn’t point out the elephant in the room, which is that Lil is probably the worst singer left in the competition, and her performance of The Rose was so off key that I doubt than even half the song was actually on key. The first run that elicited applause from the audience could only be described as caterwauling, and Lil didn’t really do much better than that for the rest of the song (indeed, in many parts she was actually worse). Fortunately for Lil, she’s in the pimp spot, and no manner of bad singing, bad critiques, or talking back to Simon will cause her to leave the competition this week. The bad news is that it looks like Simon and producers have decided to cut her loose, being replaced by Allison to head to the final three with Adam and Danny. On the plus side, this is the best that Lil has ever looked, and the only time she’s actually looked her age. Sure, the belt buckle looks like part of Batman’s utility belt, but the outfit and the wig made Lil actually look hot, and that’s not something I ever thought I’d say about frumpy ol’ Lil. It appears someone has been working out in their downtime (and it’s not Gokey). Here’s something I know I’ll never say about Lil – “she’s your next American Idol”.