I think that the only thing I hate more than Latin Night on American Idol is Country and Western Night on American Idol. It’s one of those nights where I have no idea what most of the contestants are singing, and I’m one of those Northeasterners that just doesn’t get country music. I can appreciate a good song in any genre from any Billboard chart, but throw me a random C&W song in the Top Ten and my eyes glaze over. For me, this night was very random, if you catch my drift.

Phil – Okay, I will admit that this was his best performance ever. And had I even cared a whit about the song, I’d say it was good. I must point out that there was a touch too much yodeling and that last note was both yelly and scratchy. Simon said, “I don’t know if this is enough to save you,” thereby getting Phil more support and ensuring he’ll stick around for another week. Although – who the hell is voting for Phil? I’m baffled.

Jordin – The hands down best performance of the night. My wife got goosebumps during the first verse, and she hadn’t even gotten started. I’m not going to go too overboard because she still hits a bum note here and there, but this was a good song choice, and Jordin was the only female who took advantage of the multitude of songs that could have really showed off their voices (and for all the hullabaloo about how much better the women were collectively, notice that the men outnumber the women 4 to 3). She hit a lot of soaring notes, and the last one impressed the hell out of my wife. And when Paula said, “you look beautiful,” she actually meant it instead of using it like a passive-aggressive baseball bat to the kneecaps like she did with Haley. She did look good tonight, although with the hair, that dress, and the jewelry, she looked like she was going to a prom in ancient Egypt. BTW, my wife and I laughed at one of the signs because, a) the girl never actually looked up to see Jordin (considering she’s one of her biggest fans), and b) it’s both illegible and incomprehensible. It looks like it was created with the world’s largest bottle of Wite-Out during a crystal meth binge. I love the way some of the words extend past the wiggly border. Can anyone actually figure out what was written? I remember the good old days when I was sure the producers handed out pre-made signs to audience members because they were so generically samey. Now it’s become somewhat of an art form.

Sanjaya – It was not thoroughly bad (there were a couple of nice moments and some nice sounding parts) and it wasn’t his worst attempt (there were at least two other performances where he was more off key than this), but it was definitely disappointing that he didn’t build on last weeks performance. First off, Simon was right – it was a ridiculous song choice, apparently chosen more for the title than content. And his ill-timed, incomprehensible asides shouted at the judges (this time to Randy) are becoming obnoxious. But while I understand that Simon feels like he has to get Sanjaya off the show, the truth is, it wasn’t as awful as Blake or Chris (while my wife just hated it, I didn’t think it was half-bad). As for the hair – it just wasn’t outrageous enough for me. If you’re going to look like a freak, go full bore.

LaKisha – OH… MY… GOD… no excessive cleavage! Is this… yes… I think… it’s a first for Kiki since Hollywood Week. And the hair was a big thumbs up as well. Too bad she decided that C&W meant your dress should be the color of chocolate pudding – oh well, you can’t have everything. Unfortunately, LaKisha didn’t really do much with the song (as a matter of fact, it was one of the roughest LaKisha outings of the contest), and while I understand why she considered it near and dear to her heart, it’s a really stupid song. I’m sorry – the lyrics are laughable. This is the kind of song that people who hate country music point to as the reason they hate country music. But the most jaw-dropping moment came when Paula offered a critique that was a) correct, b) not a rehash of what Randy said, and, most shockingly, c) exactly what I thought. And the critique was that Kiki shouted the end of the song (bonus points to Paula for even getting Simon to agree with her). As a matter of fact, she shouted it from the back of her throat, where it almost sounded like she gargled the song. C’mon LaKisha – you’re better than this mess. LaKisha’s trajectory this year reminds me of Paris’ travails from last year – just when you thought she’d take the whole thing, she kept stumbling with bad song choices and so-so performances.

Chris – The first thing I thought was that Chris was not going to be able to handle Rascal Flatts because of his reedy, nasally voice (which, according to Chris, is a form of singing, but consider the source – he who wears a white Member’s Only jacket and black jeans cannot be taken seriously). But what I did not anticipate was the Antonella Barba-esque way he “sang” the song – the entire first part of the song was completely off-key, and when he wasn’t flat he yodeled off-key. He didn’t hit an on-key note until he got to the chorus. My wife yelled, “this is torture!” Not only that, but it was downright embarrassing to listen to. Randy referred to a “couple of pitch things” – dude, clean your ears – that was the pitchiest thing since Wilbur Wood of the White Sox pitched both games of a doubleheader. It was the most godawful thing I’ve heard at this stage of the competition, and I don’t see how anyone is going to listen to that and claim Sanjaya is the one who deserves to be voted off. And he sounds like Adam Sandler from The Waterboy when he talks, full of mumbles, stutters, and fits & starts. I sort of get the feeling that the producers agreed that Ryan would take care of the Virginia Tech tribute at the top of the show and the singers would avoid referring to it so as to not seem like they were pandering for votes (or making the show a downer). Chris’ awkward acknowledgement was, I’m sure, heartfelt (being from Virginia and all), but his transgression merited an eye-roll from Simon (as well as an attempted cut off from Ryan), and lest it appear that Simon was eye-rolling at a sympathetic message, he had to offer an apologia later in the show that also sounded like Adam Sandler from The Waterboy.

Melinda – I would have bet money that Melinda would have sung Crazy, mostly because it’s as old as shit. Turns out Trouble Is A Woman (described by Melinda as “a new song”) isn’t all that new – the song was released in 1999. So she still hasn’t crossed into the 21^st Century yet. I wonder if Melinda knows what mp3’s are, or if she has a cell phone, or if she still thinks Bill Clinton is President. I imagine her idea of Internet access sounds like, “doot doot doot doot… beerang, blang, blang, kzzzzzh… Welcome. You’ve Got Mail”. And while her shirt looked like it was made from an Army duffel bag, at least it wasn’t the same frumpy, old-fashioned crap that her stylists kept dressing her in. Her hair looked sleek and modern, and I think this is the first time Melinda has actually looked attractive without the camera pulling back… to Cleveland. However… I don’t care what the judges say – I was bored by the song. It sort of sounded like Rockin’ Robin with fiddle solos or something – it was kind of piffle, and it felt tossed off and underwhelming. It was also too rat-tat-tat lyrically for her vocal style. I once noted that it’s only a bad song choice of you can’t sing it well, but Melinda has proven that even if you sing it well, and old, semi-obscure song still sucks.

Blake – He tends to sing every song like he’s the androgynous lead singer of an English New Wave band, but this time he just took it too far. He sang the word “dancing” with a fey British accent, and it sounded like, “dah-hahn-cing” – my wife couldn’t figure out what the hell he was singing. When the band kicked in, he got so drowned out by the music that the only way you knew his mic actually worked were the dissonant noises Blake made when he went off key. Which, tonight, was frequently. He wasn’t inhabited by the spirit of Antonella Barba like Chris was, but he just couldn’t find the right note a lot. At least the pitchiness woke me up whenever I dozed off – I don’t know if I should blame Tim McGraw or Blake for boring the crap out of me, but I suspect if I confronted either about it, they would just start singing the song, make me fall asleep, and then make their getaway – Blake in a Ford Fusion and Tim on a police horse.