So I guess the two judges commentary thing didn’t work so well, so they decided to cut out all the pre-taped contestant stuff instead. Anything to allow for needless recaps and judges’ banter, eh? Still, I kind of like that it was music only tonight, and since we know these singers well enough, these taped segments are really just filler anyway. I have an analysis of DialIdol that I have spun off onto a different page. You can read about Why DialIdol is Inaccurate here, as it was becoming very long and it’s rather dry and I didn’t want to bore you (unlike, say, a certain TV show we routinely watch). So off we go.
Lil – The most consistent performer this year has been Lil, and that’s not meant to be a compliment. Week after week, Lil’s performances are consistently bad, rife with pitch problems, shouty vocals, and rhythm issues. This week, she adds enunciation problems in her rendition of I’m Every Woman. Now, this Chaka Khan song is sort of stuck on eleven anyway, but coming from Lil, it’s an uncontrolled sonic assault. The other consistent theme with Lil is that Randy starts his critiques off by saying, “You can definitely sing”, and he is consistently wrong about that (incidentally, Randy’s shirt looked liked he spilled an Orange Julius all over his stomach, after which an entire Creamsicle fell off the stick and landed on his shoulder, and then, to add insult to injury, he was tagged by a graffiti artist). Simon’s pronouncement of Lil’s demise is probably correct – for someone who has hit the bottom three two weeks in a row (including landing in the bottom two after getting the pimp spot last week), drawing the dreaded one spot pretty much seals her fate. For the third week in a row, Lil looked awesome, picking out another flattering wig and wearing perhaps her best outfit to date, a sleek jumpsuit that made urrrthing look good including her booty. No more frumpy Lil – tonight, she looked like a photonegative of Marvel’s disco superheroine, Dazzler. Unfortunately, the outfit was the only real highlight of the performance, and the only entertaining moment was watching Lil’s “Oh no you didn’t!” relative shouting back at the judges. Any lip readers care to enlighten us on what she said?
Kris – When he first started strumming his guitar, I thought he was going to sing Do You Remember the Time again, since he used the same jangly, acoustic, coffeehouse arrangement during Michael Jackson week that he used tonight. You can walk into any dorm in any university and find someone just as mediocre as Kris hanging out in the student lounge and strumming away and singing the same syncopated version of some well known pop song. It’s boring folks, and I am puzzled as to why the judges applaud this crap week after week. Kris’ appeal is all visual, a product of “the little guy with the big head” proportions that girls and gay dudes like so much. When people compliment Kris on his “subdued vocals” (because his voice is unexceptional) and “stripped down arrangements” (because he makes everything sound monotone and samey), it brings to mind real estate agents who call a tiny apartment “cozy” or a toilet in the kitchen as “charming”. Non-descript to the max, the snoozy vocals and charisma-free performance makes watching this just killing time. Plus, his goofy faces and cry-singing annoy the crap out of me.
Danny – As much as I dislike Danny for his craptastic dance moves, his arrogant expressions in the face of critiques, his ghoulish exploitation of his dead wife, and his overall douchiness, I have to admit that somewhere in the beginning of this whole thing, he had a soulful timbre and could contrast a ringing tone with a soulful growl. But now his voice is shot, all washed out, scratchy, and at times strangled to the point where I’m not sure if I’m listening to Danny Gokey or Jack Klugman. His growls are hoarse and strained, and he shouts frequently just to get the notes out. The ring in his voice is gone. But then I have to watch the cheesy, shitty dance moves and the smug, self-satisfied expressions on top of it, and it makes me want to puke. The judges’ positive reactions are mind-bogglingly off the mark (except, of course, for Simon’s comment about the lack of “star power”). I will give Danny this – Endless Love was a canny selection last week, as he was able to exhume his dead wife again for the purposes of vote getting since all of those overly-sympathetic and tone-deaf Scott voters needed some sob story to dial in for. Well played, Danny, well played. For this week’s selection of September, it’s surprising he didn’t have the backup singers sing “So-phi-a” instead of “Ba de ya”. Hey, that’s almost as shameless as the “Vote Danny Gokey” buttons they’re selling on Ebay for $3 ($1 for the button and $2 S&H). Wow, is that the product of a genuine Sharpie? They should claim that each button is “unique” as a sales pitch. I mean, why don’t they just sell bags of Danny’s poop? And while you may counter that the proceeds are going to charity, that charity is run by Faith Builders International, headed by the “Pastor Rolex” who once had his congregation donate money to help pay for his Escalade, so take a wild guess where that money is going to. In other Danny news, Gokey has admitted that he raids the mansion fridge at midnight and eats all the time (short of like a shark). If the Idols keep running out of food, there’s always this option to contain him. Are the excess calories catching up to him? Here’s an outtake from a recent photoshoot, and here’s a “lounging around at the mansion” candid. Once the food runs out, he may have to make a trek to Coney Island to get his fill. Danny has grown out more of his stubble partly as an attempt to look like George Michael and partly to create the illusion of a jaw line that has disappeared under a layer of fat (this tactic is also used by other heavyweight singers like Reuben Studdard). Real jaw lines start at the bottom of the ear, not and inch above it. And to show that Danny still can’t leave his deceased wife interred, Gokey makes the shape of a heart with his hands as Ryan calls out his 866 number to again remind the former Scott voters that his wife died of a heart condition. Either that or he was thinking about a big, fat cheeseburger. Ah, when shamelessness and overeating converge – that’s soooo Gokey.
Allison – I always say that starting out on the stairs is the wrong way to begin a song, but I tell ya, that Allison is a truly seasoned performer and avoided the pitfalls that made previous Idols stumble. First off, she started out sitting down, and while that isn’t conducive to good singing, at least she didn’t have to be distracted by having to balance on the stairs in those batshit crazy hooker heels. Then she walked down during a musical interlude – that’s smart. What wasn’t smart was the outfit – it looked like she got it from a hooker aboard Jacques Cousteau’s Calypso (“50 Francs, and vee can do eet in zee diving saucer”). The only thing I liked was that hot shit bolero jacket – the swallow tail back looked badass. While Allison’s vocal performance was good, the arrangement of Hot Stuff was plodding and draggy and the song is repetitive. Plus, I don’t know how appropriate it is for a 16 year old to sing a song about jonesing for sex. Like the time Kevin “Chicken Little” Covais sang Part Time Lover in season 5 (only he didn’t do pelvic thrusts during the performance – blecch). Did anyone catch the cute moment right before the previous commercial break when Allison put on Gokey’s glasses? I think Simon’s claim that she lacks likeability is rubbish.
Adam – To a large number of people, Adam is already the winner of AI season 8 – and a subset of those people have anointed him a living god like Xerxes, King of Ancient Persia. While his vocal range borders on the supernatural, I’ll wait until his singing cures cancer or something like that before I board that train. Tonight’s performance of If I Can’t Have You was very, very good, but it was so spare that it felt unsatisfying. On top of that, it seemed really short – it was over before it really even started. Adam’s vocal virtuosity is off the charts, but the emotions that come across make him the most formidable contestant this year. Adam’s shout out to the person who did the arrangement shows that you can take the time to do this. Some of the other idols (like Kris Allen, who sometimes takes credit for arrangement done by others) could take a page from Adam’s forthrightness. Adam dressed in an understated two-piece silk suit, with only pointy shoulder pads and chunky pinky ring adding any flair. Oh wait, there was one more thing – a sky-high faux hawk that threatened to take over the ensemble. That Jimmy Neutron hair-do was the highest hair we’ve seen this year. My wife was aghast.
Matt – The hat is back! Maybe that mole/pimple/nubbin on his forehead has mutated, necessitating concealment – could it be a Kuato? Maybe it’s an embryonic eye that will eventually take over his face and leave him a Cyclops? Or perhaps a David Cook baby has sprouted in the middle of his forehead. Or maybe he wised up to the fact that the hat makes him a bit more appealing to the voters. Last year, whenever Syesha wore her hair down, she was safe, but when she unleashed the ‘fro, she was in the bottom three. At some point, she finally ditched the ‘fro and made it to the top 3. The last time Matt wore a hat, he was safe. The time before and after that? In the bottom three (and actually should have been booted of last week). So it may be wise to stick with the hat for the remainder of his Idol tenure. It may also be wise to actually do something to fulfill the promise he shows but never delivers week after week. Tonight’s rendition of Stayin’ Alive was a split performance, with a manic and karaoke delivery ruining the first half until a tasty falsetto burst right before the final chorus allowed Matt to regain his footing and finish strong. If he had sung like that the whole way through, it would have been one of the better performances of the night – as it was, it was flawed. Like Danny, Matt was sporting the jaw line facial hair, although unlike Gokey, you could still make out Matt’s actual jaw line. Actually, there were a couple of other points where he seemed to be emulating Gokey, from dancing with the backup singers to the terrible, sloppy outfit that just makes him look bad. Tuck in your shirt, get a real tie, get some dress shoes, and ditch the dingy jeans. And for chrisssakes, go to the freaking bathroom before you get on stage so you don’t pee-pee dance throughout the entire performance. Or wear Depends.
Anoop – Wow – it’s like Anoop reads my blog or something! After harping on his sweaty upper lip every week and suggesting facial hair to cover it, Anoop came out with a neatly trimmed goatee for the first time (and it did the trick). I also suggested he mothball the jeans for a pair of real pants (for which he went all out with a two piece suit plus a sweater vest and tie), and complained about his penchant for sneakers (well, two out of three ain’t bad). Actually, you can get away with jeans and sneakers, but only an idiot wears a suit and tie with sneakers. Anoop was lucky enough to score the pimp spot this week, which is probably the only thing that can keep him in the competition at this point. Considering he’s ended up in the bottom 3 three weeks in a row now, and considering two of those performances were his best performances on the show, it must have dawned on Anoop that he’s turning off voters somehow. Perhaps it’s his haughty demeanor when it comes to critical judging. Or maybe it’s because he lacks that warmth and connection with the audience. Whatever it is, it’s going to prevent him from cracking the top 3. Tonight’s performance of Dim All the Lights had a couple of nice moments, but was boring in spots and he didn’t quite scoop to the one big note in the middle (the last one was botched entirely). One of the problems Anoop had, and a problem that really plagued most of the singers in Disco Week, was that the lyrics to his song were repetitive (although I must confess I never really new what the song title was or even the lyrics until tonight – I thought it was something like “turn on the light sweet darling”). Simon went on the record this week that he used the Judges’ Save on Matt because he wanted to use it eventually, but he didn’t want to hold it for this week because he assumed Anoop would be voted off and Simon didn’t want to save him. I don’t know if that was the reason for his ultra tough critique (the performance wasn’t great but saying it was his, “worst performance by a mile” is a stretch – did he forget Beat It?) but Simon was so sour on Anoop that he made a stink face when Ryan asked the audience to vote. Like a trouper, Anoop shook it off and kept smiling instead of hiding in the shadows or teleporting away form the stage. Bamf!