No, I wasn’t in mourning for Sanjaya’s ouster or anything like that – I missed the show last night due to terrible hi-def reception and it was too late to go to a friend’s house to catch the show. Oddly enough, the one night I missed writing the blog was the week that no one got voted off, so as I write this, everyone is still in play. I feel like American Idol this year has been déjà vu all over again, what with the same terrible performances, the same criticisms of the judges and performers, and the same feeling that the show has lost something. I blame the lackluster performances on two factors – first, the auditions have been overrun by purposefully terrible singers trying to catch their 30 seconds of fame, meaning that talented people are either unheard in the crush of contestants or unwilling to go through the nonsense of waiting for days to sing for a few seconds. The second problem is that when they raised the age limit to 29, the show has started to get old – instead of contestants who aspire to be recording artists, we have a bunch of recording artists who are looking for exposure. The professionalism and experience of someone like Melinda just goes against what Idol is all about, which is discovering a diamond in the rough. Melinda is more like a brilliant cut diamond in an antique setting. In any case, I don’t have all the time in the world this week due to work related constraints, and instead of reinventing the wheel, this week’s blog is sort of a Zagat’s Guide to Idol, culled from quotes from previous blogs. Well, except for the very end. I couldn’t find the quotes to express what I wanted to say.

Chris – “He also kept turning his head from side to side like he was on the lookout for someone who wanted to steal his estrogen pills”… “Again with the odd, twitchy, “I have ants on my skin” crystal meth induced head spasms. Again with the thin, insubstantial voice. But this time, it was off-key and amateurish”… “The performance was eminently forgettable”… “I think I can walk into any karaoke night in any bar around the country and hear what Chris did”… “I’m quite puzzled at the judges reactions”… “I just can’t wrap my brain around why the judges have a hard-on for this pudgy-faced, charisma-free wannabe.”

Melinda – “An oddly unengaging performance – I mean, she's obviously ridiculously talented, and she sang the hell out of that song, but the song itself was so formless and uninteresting that it just sounded like a series of big notes and runs.”… “Melinda sounds like a fifty year-old woman when she sings, and the show seems to age thirty years when she’s on”… “ I was wondering if Melinda did something to piss off her stylist, because that (outfit) was just hideous”… “I don’t care what the judges say – I was bored by the song.”

Blake – “He tends to sing every song like he’s the androgynous lead singer of an English New Wave band”… “His voice is thin and I doubt he’s got the chops to really impress anyone with vocals alone”… “Blake is one of the least talented singers in the competition.”

LaKisha – “I really do like Kiki, but she has yet to really bust out like she did in weeks one and two”… “she shouted (part of the song) from the back of her throat, where it almost sounded like she gargled the song”… but… “LaKisha can flat out sing her ass off”. “No excessive cleavage!”

Phil – “He sounded like a braying jackass”… “a shouty, cut-rate Michael Bolton”… “just boring and plodding”… “When he attempts that lower register, it’s just strangled and throaty and at times comically off key”… “Who the hell is voting for Phil? I’m baffled.”

Jordin – Okay – this performance was a split decision between my wife and me. My wife thought she was good, but I was actually shocked at how awful it was. First off, I didn’t think she was on key the entire song – it wasn’t the kind of egregiousness of Antonella Barba, but it just was a hair off the entire time. As a result, it sounded screechy to me, and I winced a lot during her performance. The beginning was especially all over the place pitch-wise. I even listened to it again just to make sure I wasn’t hearing things. Obviously, she had the performance and emotion down (which particularly impressed my wife), but I was sort of horrified at the pitch issues that have always been there but not this extensively. I will say Jordin did have the best sign of the night – is the 420 crowd pulling for Jordin? And didja notice that the girl holding the sign sort of Sanjaya sign underneath? Or maybe it said “Ganjaya”? Don’t do drugs, kids.