In an effort to illustrate American Idol virtues like relevancy, youth, and modernity, the producers bring you… Rat Pack Night.  Or to be more accurate, Big Band Jazz Night – I guess the former trumped the latter when it came to catchiness, plus, it’s the difference between picturing Frank, Dean and Sammy versus a... uh… trombone.  WUH-wuhhhh. 

 

The mentor for Rat Pack night is Jamie Foxx, which is only natural because Jamie did an album of Jazz standards … was on the Duets album with Frank Sinatra…  has a show in Vegas… is filming a biopic of Sammy Davis Jr… each has an animal in their name.   Speaking of biopics, Jamie could star in an Iron Mike Tyson biopic as the resemblance is uncanny.  Wait… just need one more thing… perfect.  What was the producers’ justification for Jamie’s presence?  According to them, both were able to “transcend the boundaries of the entertainment industry”.  If that’s their only criterion, it would have been perfectly logical to have Miley Cyrus (film, TV, and music) or Dustin “Screech” Diamond (TV, stand-up comedy… uh… homemade porn) to be the mentor this week.  Would it have killed them to dig a bit deeper to find a more substantive connection?  And would it have killed Kara to shave her pits before appearing on national television?  I mean, it wasn’t a dewy jungle of pubic hair and or anything close to it, but I’m not used to seeing a woman’s five o’clock shadow in prime time.  We’re not in Europe.

 

Incidentally, this was the first time since season one that the top five only sang one song each, thus tying it for the fewest performances in a night.  Less singing (a whopping 10 minutes worth) means more equivocations from Randy, more comments about “artistry” and “package artist” from Kara, and more producer scripted critiques from Paula.  Oh, and they STILL ran over.

 

Kris – We kick off our Amateur Hour with Kris’ rendition of The Way You Looked Tonight.  Kris is so far out of his league vocally compared to the other contestants that it’s hard to believe he’s still in this thing.  His voice is thin, bland, and droning, and his falsetto is simply terrible (it’s a puzzlement that he ended the song with a falsetto that just sucked it hard and never scooped to the right note).  I’m not sure why Kris took so long to get into the more up tempo part of the arrangement – he sang most of it in a slow, snoozy tempo that sounded like he was sleepwalking.  When it went up tempo it was much better, but then Kris poured on that fake emotion where he makes crying sounds in the back of his throat.  When Kris sings like that, it reminds me of Baby Mario falling off of Yoshi in the SNES classic, Yoshi’s Island.  Plus, I’m not sure what crying has to do with the lyrics – it’s about the joyful emotions you feel when seeing your loved one, not about wanting to get back on the saddle of a small dinosaur.  There will undoubtedly be people who claim that Kris is somehow “daring” to give such restrained performances in the face of his more talented competition.  But the truth is that it’s not restrained so much as maxxed out – there isn’t another gear for Kris to go to – that’s all he has.  How daring is it really, that he can’t do any more than he does?  Does anyone really think if Kris could hit notes like Adam or sing runs like Matt or convey emotion like Allison that he would still sing the way he does?  He sings the way he does because it’s all he can do.  If you want to turn that negative into a positive go on ahead, but you’re just deluding yourself – Kris is a boy among men, and the weakest contestant left.  Not surprisingly (because, well, frankly, they SUCK), Randy, Kara, and Paula loved it.  Simon called it “wet”.  The most dead-on critique of the night was, “I don’t think (Kris) can match up to anyone here vocally”.  That critic?  None other than Kris Allen.  There was something about the way Kris’ collar seemed too big for his neck that made it look like he was wearing his dad’s ill fitting suit.  BTW, how tiny is Kris?  I know he’s but a wee lad, but he’s actually shorter than Ryan.  The only other contestants shorter than Ryan have been little Asian girls like Ramiele Malubay and Jasmine Trias.  I can’t imagine Kris is any taller than 5’ 4”.   

 

Allison – First off, a big, belated Happy Birthday to Princess Allison, who turned all of seventeen on Monday.  Here’s the appropriate cake for a girl who sounds like she has a 3 pack-a-day habit.  Allison sang Someone to Watch Over Me, which is one of my all-time favorite standards of which I’ve heard countless versions.  Allison’s is right up there, somewhere above Sting’s surprisingly good version but somewhere below Blossom Dearie’s twinkly version.  If it weren’t for her unfortunate tendency to drop “H” sounds in front or inside words ( “somehwone to hwatch h’over me) it would have been flawless.  On second listen, it’s not as noticeable and is just nitpicking (it’s certainly not any worse that David Archuleta’s incessant gasping which seems to be worse now – he sounded like he had emphysema during last week’s results show).  Allison displayed more emotion and musicality in a few measures than Kris displayed his entire song.  While her voice may have a rock edge to it, she knows how to sing the hell out of a ballad.  Some of those big notes were spectacular.  But the best part was how rich and full each pitch perfect note was – there wasn’t a single boring moment in the entire performance, and her breath control was excellent tonight.  The big note in the last chorus gave my wife chills.  Simon’s critique seemed to be bizarre, but I think there was a method to his madness – by stating that Allison was “in trouble”, Simon sounded the alarums to get her fans to dial extra hard, and it was in its weird way a good thing for Allison (she also got in a great dig by saying, “I gotta be more likeable” in reference to Simon’s off-base criticism last week).  Allison had a huge make-over this evening, and it was her best look yet.  Sure, it was a bit Junior prom-like, but most of the off-putting components of her previous ensembles were smoothed over – instead of a weird, mismatched outfit, she wore a cute cocktail dress, and the blazing magenta hair was toned down with black lowlights added to give it a less artificial look.  Even the makeup was better – too many times, Allison looked sweaty and greasy after her performance (okay, she still wore hooker heels – I guess the girl can’t help it).  I guess the stylists took the cue from Rat Pack Night and turned this wild child into a dame.  Now come on – she doesn’t look a thing like Dame Edna Everadge… or does she?   I think if she keeps this Jordin Sparks look going, she may have a good shot at the final three and an outside chance of outlasting Gokey.  

 

Matt – He’s no dummy – the hat is MONEY!  The only time the hat has failed him was in the preliminary round (although he was awful that night, so it wasn’t the hat).  Is it a good luck charm?  Does it give him a confidence boost when he wears it?  Hell no!  We all know why it works.  As a matter of fact, Matt wore a hat during his taped segments as well.  That boy ain’t taking no chances.  However, the hat may only be a temporary solution, as the moles may be spreading – he’ll have to grow a beard to hide the one that appeared on his jaw.  If this keeps up, Matt will eventually end up like this.  My Funny Valentine was too low for no reason – it’s not like he hit some big notes at the end, so all it ended up doing was making most of the song pitchy and boring.  Only one of the runs worked – the rest were off key and sloppy.  It didn’t help that the arrangement was slow and Matt sat there like a statue throughout.  Pretty low wattage and very disappointing – he claims he got a “B” in a college jazz class, but from where I sit, there appears to be some grade inflation going on.  The weirdest part of the performance was when he sang, “my commie valentine” instead of “my comic valentine”.  I couldn’t tell if he was trying to court the communist vote or if he was trying to show America he wasn’t a communist sympathizer by using the pejorative term.  Again, Simon called Matt’s clearly sub-par performance “absolutely brilliant” to throw off voters into thinking he’s safe.  I mean, Simon could pronounce it the “best performance evar”, but it’s not going to fool anyone who wasn’t inclined to like Matt in the first place – he easily had the least enthusiastic crowd reaction of the night. 

 

Danny – What can I say about Gokey that I haven’t already said before?  Randy keeps insisting Gokey can sing – what he means is that Gokey can hit the notes – what Gokey doesn’t do is make you feel the song.  I have no emotional investment in any of Gokey’s performances (perhaps because I keep throwing up in my mouth a little when he sings), and the timbre of his voice is so washed out that it sounds like a speaker with a busted diaphragm that makes annoying buzzing noises when you turn up the volume.  He sings/shouts in head voice all the time, and I can almost see his vocal chords shredding as he forces out one awful sounding note after another.  But that pales in comparison to his attempt at shattering a sort of Guiness Book record for “douchiest person alive”.  Tonight he trimmed his chin pubes into a basic goatee, making him look like a member of some Douche Amish sect.  His again flashed a Sophia's Heart plea (dragging his dead wife on stage yet again, shamelessly pandering for votes), and had about the smuggest, most self-satisfied and douchey grin he’s shown during the entire competition.  If you took one of the legion of Danny’s douchey glasses and put them on a blob fish, it actually looks like Gokey.  In fact, if you put his glasses on any fat, ugly, blobby thing, it ends up looking like Gokey – Jabba the Hutt, Heimlich the Caterpillar, an orangutan, a manatee – the list goes on.  There may be one picture in existence where his glasses aren’t douchey – and still looks like shit!  If Gokey were a Nintendo character, he’d be Wario.  If he were a Marvel Comics character, he would be The Moleman.  Oh, and last week’s Vote Danny Gokey pins sold so well, there’s a new Gokey item up for bid on Ebay – get ‘em while they last!  And didja notice they got Regis Philbin to play the trombone for Come Rain or Come Shine?  WUH-wuhhhhh.

 

Adam – Week in and week out, Adam puts on a clinic on what to do to impress the Idol viewers.  He knows how to arrange and sing each song for maximum impact, and his stage work and showmanship are unparalleled (talk about an entrance!).  You could quibble about “screeching” (which he didn’t do at all tonight) and you could quibble about the loud air intake that at times sounds like he’s hyperventilating (and sure, spit flew out of his mouth tonight).  But those issues pale in comparison to other “off the field” issues and flamboyance that may hold back middle America from fully embracing Adam (without the Emo makeup, Adam actually looks like former Veep candidate John Edwards).  Feelin’ Good is usually a bad luck song on Idol (one year it took out two singers in the prelims) but in Adam’s hands, it was a showstopper – he held that last big note for 8 seconds!  How is anyone going to stop Adam at this point?  I mean, I’d love for Allison to win, but Adam is just operating on a different plane – all Idols will bow down to Adam’s divinity.  Matt and Kris will be gone soon, and Gokey?  Gokey is a mere pimple on Adam’s ass.  Gokey can’t touch Adam.  After all, Adam is The One.