Just as I was trying to guess who the next guest artist would be based on the American Idol criteria of either botched plastic surgery (Tom Jones maybe?) or blindness (Jose Feliciano perhaps?), the producers decided not to have a guest artist tonight. I suspect that they were looking for a blind singer disfigured by plastic surgery but couldn’t find one. But if you are blind you probably won’t elect to get disfiguring plastic surgery. I mean, who needs an eye-lift when you’re wearing sunglasses 24-7 anyway?

Elliott – Man, I hate those dorky bar-mitzvah dance move he busts out. Makes him look like a manic penguin. So here he tackles a George Benson song, and while I liked that he was trying to pump up the volume, he ended up over-singing and sounding like a goat. He also lost all the soul in his voice, and the result was an uninteresting, flat rendition. There was no spark in this performance, and it ended up rather boring. I actually thought Scott Savol did a better job with this song last year.

Paris – First off, Prince’s version of Kiss came out in 1986. The Tom Jones/Art of Noise version came out in 1988 (the year Paris was born), so I don’t know why they kept calling it a Prince song since the original version would have been ineligible. And at least Tom Jones did something with the song unlike Paris, who just sung it straight and added nothing to it. There was no funk, no soul, no nothing. It was a pedestrian effort that was the most karaoke sounding of her Idol tenure and seemed too slowly paced. Sure, coming into tonight it was becoming obvious that she would be going home soon (as early as tonight), but she could have roared back with something to wake up the voters and give them a reason. Instead, she decided to sit in a corner and twiddle her thumbs. Just a poor song choice, with a jarring gender change – “You don’t have to be cool to be my boy”? I mean, I know why she did it, but boy doesn’t rhyme with world. Well, neither does girl, exactly, but it mostly does and at least I’m familiar with it.

Chris – I have to say that this was a great song choice and his best performance on Idol so far. One quibble – Chris talked about how he liked to dress up as superheroes, but newsflash, The Joker (as pictured in the accompanying photo) is a Super Villain, not a Superhero. Yep, that’s all I got.

Katharine – She started off a bit rocky, singing, “As I stand here taking every breath from you-eww-eww-eww”. Eww indeed – that was a baaaad note. Then she followed up with a couple of more bad notes, then she sang “an empty face” (which was both the wrong line and the wrong words), and then she just skidded off the road, crashed through the guardrail, burst into flames, and hurtled into oblivion. The last half of the song was just one horrible, screeching, ear-splitting run after the other, topped off by a weird run that went, “take a loo-oo-oo-oo-ook” accompanied by a bizarre facial contortion that made her look like Cher. As cheesy soft rock songs go, I actually rather like this one, and she just shredded it. Just painful and wince-inducing. And it looked like she threw on a burlap sack with strategically placed belts to give it some form. I guess she figured since a button popped off unexpectedly last week, she’d go with belts this week to lessen the chance of a wardrobe malfunction.

Taylor – Now that sounds like something you’d hear in Simon’s hypothetical “any bar in America”. I’ll go further and say you could hear this in any karaoke bar in America. Kind of rote and bland, with Taylor sticking right to the melody and adding none of his personality. BTW, I really hate this song and find it totally unfunky. It also violates one of my song choice rules, which is don’t pick a song you can imagine drunken frat boys doing a sing-a-long to. This song is even worse because you can also imagine drunken frat boys dancing to it as they sing-a-long, although it’s not so much dancing as it is spastic, arrhythmic grinding. And just when it can’t get worse? Yep, you get a peek at Taylor’s hairy belly as he lays on the floor. Probably the least desired wardrobe malfunction, hands down. NO ONE wants to see this. The director wisely panned up almost immediately after the grey speckled flesh made its appearance. Here’s my fashion tip – tuck your shirt and don’t wear something that looks like upholstery.

Elliott 2 – Gee, were the music rights for I Just Want To Be Voted Off not cleared? Who in this right mind sings, “I just want to go home” ad infinitum at this point in the competition? There’s really not much you can do with a soulless snoozer like this. Just a bland song, a bland rendition, and part of this trend of dorky looking guys with vanilla pipes singing drippy, cheesy songs. I guess Elliott would fit right in with the Buble/Grobin/Aiken Velveeta Pack. Hmm… there’s some joke to be made about Clay Aiken and “fitting right in”, but I can’t think of anything at the moment. I wait, yes I can. Oh yeah, that’s pretty funny. But you know what? I want to keep this commentary a little classy, so I’ll just take it out. Heh heh… I just thought of a joke about Clay Aiken and “taking it out”. Heh heh… and we’re back. Again, keeping it classy. I’m sorry it came out that way. Wait a minute… nah, never mind.

Paris 2 – This was better than before, but I’m not a big fan of this song. It just doesn’t really go anywhere, just sort of building up here and there without really hooking you in. The girl can sing, but she’s always had a problem with song choice, trying to go too young at times. I’m sure she likes this kind of music, but it’s just not her element – her ability to communicate a song doesn’t get exercised when she sings empty stuff like this. And she always seems to couple this kind of song choice with horribly wretched wardrobe choices, like the travesty she sported tonight – camouflage jacket and silver lame genie pants? Yeesh – it looked like MC Hammer joined the army or something. What’s next – a garish belt buckle? Oh yeah, she had that too. BTW, I don’t know if you noticed, but Paris got bleeped by the censors during the performance. Well, it wasn’t an actual bleep sound as much as it was that they dumped the audio for a couple of seconds, but I just thought it was my reception at first. I wonder what the **** she said? Say, this gives me an idea – I can tell that Clay Aiken joke and still be classy by telling it like this: “Fitting right in? You mean like Clay’s **** ****** ***** **** * *** ******’* *******?” Wow. It’s not as funny on paper.

Chris 2 – Yes, there are the excuses about all the practice runs and rehearsals beating up on the old voice box. But I was having flashbacks to Reuben, who could barely manage to sing two songs in the latter stages of the competition. This one started screamy and pretty much didn’t let up except for the parts that were out of his limited range, which caused him the strain mightily and reach for notes he just couldn’t get. His voice just gave out near the end of the song, but I had had enough of the off-key cracking by then. I will say this – due to its contemporary nature, we can be absolutely sure that this is not a rendition of a Live cover… I think. BTW, you wanna know what Chris’ wardrobe change consisted of? Yep – he put a jacket over what he had been wearing. Didn’t even change his shoes.

Katharine 2 – I actually heard this song before, having seen KT Tunstall on Conan. And shockingly, Kat sings this song better than KT does. It was one of her best performances, ditching most of the weird winking, nodding, and other facial contortions that are so off-putting. It also was one of the few times I enjoyed her voice, which is oftentimes too affected and fake (although I don’t think the growly stuff really worked). I do question why she decided to crawl around the floor like a stripper during the song, which was distracting (maybe she should have worn last week’s suddenly appropriate yellow stripper dress instead – now that would have been the Mother of All Wardrobe Malfunctions). Obviously, the beat would have required her to move around the stage, and since the girl’s got all the dancing skills of a one-legged stripper, she decided to sing on her knees instead. Also distracting? Baby Doll camisole top that makes anyone look like they have a bun in the oven. Just when you thought the pregnancy rumors were over…

Taylor 2 – Wait a minute – was this from the Top Ten Elevator song charts? How the hell did this get in here? But you know what? Who cares – it was freakin’ great! A Joe Cocker-esque version of a classic Beatles song that was easily the best performance of the night and Taylor’s best ever performance on Idol. Man, this is what I’m talking about! It’s what I was expecting from him but only got in flashes – a full on soulful performance with great tone and emotion from start to finish. And no hairy belly to spoil things! If Taylor can sustain this groove, he could really make this a cake walk to the finals. BTW, that word that Simon used to describe Taylor? Balminess? It’s apparently a Briticism for weird or eccentric behavior. Like, “that Paula Abdul’s a right balmy one” (I am hoping the italics give the impression of an English accent). Now, is there a Briticism that means weird, eccentric, and totally wasted?