It’s time for the American Idol sideshow again! Step right up and gaze your eyes on the glamorous aerialists and their adoring midget assistants! Gasp at the punchless, limbless Human Bulldozer! Say hello to the carnies who look after the Pinheads! Don’t forget the dancing Chicken Man! And run away as fast as you can from the Knife Thrower! The only one safe is his assistant!
This week is the big showdown between the “Adam bomb” and the duo of Fat Man and Little Boy, who both bombed last week big time. Sadly, Allison was unjustly voted off the show anyway. Allison tried to take on Darth Gokey by herself, but the young padawan was no match for the malevolence of the Sith Lord and the legions of deaf fans in his thrall. This week, the Idols showed up in their hometowns to be cheered on at rallies in San Diego, Milwaukee, and Arkansas. We will see the details of the rallies during the results show, but pictures were leaked showing that Gokey needs to buy a new shirt or at least a shirt that buttons properly. A wardrobe malfunction at his Milwaukee rally revealed the product of his midnight trips to the tattoo parlor with Megan.
In other Idol news, Paula gifted Scott McIntyre with a guide dog this week for a photo op. Not for nothing, but Scott’s gotten around all these years without a guide dog, so it’s essentially an unneeded extra mouth to feed. Sounds less like a guide dog and more like a white elephant if you ask me. Scott’s been busy trying out new jobs since his Idol ouster. The stint as a pitcher in the minor leagues didn’t work out so well (note that BB is baseball shorthand for walks) but his new job as Jabba the Hutt’s lackey is a bit more promising. Scott’s easy going demeanor is perfect for greeting all manner of scum and villainy. And droids.
And so it begins… the penultimate Idol.
Well, technically, the penultimate performance show. If you count the results show and the finale, it’s the... uh… fourth ultimate? Anyway, it’s American Idol episode 300. That’s including the performance, results, and audition episodes. Okay, I’ve wasted enough time. On with the show.
Gokey – I don’t think Gokey liked Paula’s choice of Dance Little Sister that much, probably because he didn’t know it – so much for Paula’s reasoning that Terence Trent D’Arby became “iconic” back in the day. I’m not going to argue that point, but his iconic status faded before the 90’s even started, or to put it another way, TTD stopped being a relevant recording artist before Paula Abdul flamed out. So as much as I like to pick on every little misstep on Gokey’s part, I don’t blame him for not knowing a 21 year old semi-hit song. Gokey’s performance can be boiled down to a few choice adjectives – boring, monotonous, overdone, breathless, and shouty. The scatting during Reuben Studdard’s sax solo was ridiculously awful (I didn’t know Reuben could play the sax), and the vocals were so washed out and strangled that it sounded like Gokey had laryngitis. Gokey takes the "scat" in scatting literally -- what comes out of his mouth is total shit. The dancing was typically dreadful (like this move where it looks like he’s pooping), but I actually didn’t notice it because I started tuning out his spazzy moves a long time ago. Kara talked about Gokey’s “money spot”. Get your mind out of the gutter already, lady! When the judges keep praising Gokey’s vocals, especially when he sings so shittily like this, it makes me think that the producers are forcing them to prop up this douchebag so he makes the finals. Their lack of substantive critiques in regards to his singing is inexcusable. My only consolation is that Gokey didn’t ruin Wishing Well. Oh, and a shout out to Bruce Gowers for another show of directorial incompetence, this time allowing a camera to veer off into nowhere only to hastily cut back to the sax player. They gotta get a new director for next year. This is amateur hour on display.
Kris – Hey, it looks like Kris borrowed Adam’s nail polish but was too cautious to paint more than half a thumb. I think someone may be dipping his… uh… toe into the deep end of the pool, if you know what I mean. Baby steps. Randy said he picked Apologize to show off Kris’ range and his “big voice”. I know Kris is a bit anonymous (and insanely boring), but Randy is apparently confusing Kris with some other singer that actually has a “big voice”, since Kris’ voice is about as small as his stature (there’s something about little people and American Idol lately that they’ve had hobbits in the top three for three years running now -- perhaps it's Ryan's influence?). I was surprised to see Kris playing the piano, but I was even more surprised to see Kris practically fellating the mic, causing it to twitch around as he moved his lips (another case of baby steps?), and a lot of spitting, Daffy Duck-like noises followed. When the song ended, I thought the mic would ask Kris for some cuddle time and a cigarette. Lots of straining for notes (big range, yeah, right), a terrible falsetto, and yodeling filled out this typically boring Kris performance. Oh, and the faces. Those sex faces just creep me out. And as much as I was unimpressed by this performance, there was not one shred of criticism leveled against Kris (uninspired arrangement, bum notes, etc) that could not have also be applied to Gokey’s previous performance, but somehow, Kris is judged on his merits while Gokey is given unjustified compliments. Inexcusable. Simon’s critique of Kara’s and Randy’s song choice resulted in a physical reaction from Kara – you could really see her fingers digging into Simon’s face, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he exhibits visible bruising during the results show.
Adam – I had heard about Simon’s selection of One for Adam, and while it was easy to envision Adam just killing this song because of its incredible lyrics and swooping range, it was also a bit of a minefield for Adam since it could either sound too copycat or so far off from the original that it ruins it. Adam thudded somewhere in between, not quite vandalizing it, but not really doing anything special with it. It started off sounding nice but not special, and the lighting effects made him look like he was trapped in carbonite. But then the chorus kicked in, and if you ever wanted to know what it would have sounded like if Ethel Merman sang U2, the question was answered tonight. It just veered too far off the melody for my tastes (oh my God, I agreed for Randy the first time this season), and there was that over the top theatrical moment leading into the first glory note that reminded me of Sam Harris oversinging Over the Rainbow on Star Search (which, to be fair, he won). The wires of Adam’s ear monitors made it look like he had pointy ears, and coupled with his pointy eyebrows, the only logical conclusion to be made was that this was yet another case of product placement for the new Star Trek movie. BTW, Adam has got to be the most pimped contestant, EVAR. Aside from the excessive fawning thrown his way by the judges (since it is mostly deserved), Adam has now gotten the pimp spot three times in a row (although it isn’t as important past the top five, it’s still a virtual monopoly at this point), and Simon declares that Bono himself has blessed Adam’s song choice. Okay guys, I get it – you want Adam to win. I’m not disagreeing with you, but have some sense of decorum. It’s… unseemly.
Speaking of unseemly, let’s take a short break to play, “Where’s Carrie?” and watch her take credit for eradicating malaria in Angola. That was embarrassingly painful to watch. I wonder how many people she asked, “So have you or your daughter ever had malaria?” until the cameras were able to capture a “no” response. Look, I appreciate what they are doing, and mosquito nets are by far the most effective way to combat the spread of malaria, but it was so self-congratulatory it was exploitive. And that’s what made my skin crawl.
Gokey – Speaking of making my skin crawl, to add to the ever growing list of reasons to hate Gokey, add the fact that he’s a mumbling, stuttering little d-bag like Spider from Goodfellas, talking excessively with his hands with an air of hyperactive desperation. Gokey’s song choice tonight was You Are So Beautiful, the Billy Preston song/greeting card sentiment made famous by Joe Coker. Would Gokey try to emulate Cocker’s throaty, soulful delivery and spastic stage presence? I hoped to hell not, because I would like to remember Cocker’s version unsullied. Thankfully, Gokey decided on a hokey string and acoustic guitar arrangement to wring every drop of syrupy false sentiment he could muster. Full of gasping and washed out, phlegmy vocals that sounded like a zombie chanting “BRAAAINS”, Gokey trotted out his dead wife on stage yet again, going off lyric with the line, “your love turned this boy into a man” and looking heavenward in the middle of the song (oddly, that line was different in the recap – it was changed from “you’re the air I breathe, you’re the song I sing” between dress rehearsal and live performance, which may or may not lead to the kind of copyright problems Archuleta had last season). The overpraise from the judges was sickening, and Simon’s pronouncement that it was a “vocal master class” belied his true feelings. Even Gokey agrees that the judges are cuckoo. At some point during the Idol Gives Back piece, Simon was chewing tobacco or something and stained his shirt. What – no one on the production staff noticed? Wait for it… wait for it… here comes the heart symbol to remind everyone his wife is dead. Whoops, that wasn’t from tonight – here he is from tonight’s show miming, “I can has cheezburger?” If this performance portends what the new Gokey album will sound like, it’s going to bomb worse than Carly Hennessy-Smithson’s first album (that’s the one that sold less than 500 copies). Note that because he has to see his ugly mug in the mirror every day, everyone is beautiful to Gokey.
Kris – In a shocking – nay, mind-boggling turn of events that I could never have anticipated, I… I… I actually liked a Kris performance! In fact, it was the best performance of the night! Oh God… I’m a bit woozy… I feel faint… okay, I’m back. Kris’ jangly, syncopated acoustic numbers haven’t registered much with me because it just sounds uninspired and coffehouse, and never really fit or worked well with any of the previous songs. But Heartless is a different beast – because it’s a rap song, the rhythm actually fit, and by removing Kanye West’s mush-mouthed delivery, you can actually understand the lyrics, and Heartless turns out to be a terrific song. It appears that Kanye is close to the artist he thinks he is when it comes to song writing, but he can’t perform them to their potential. The judges’ deservedly effusive praise was so exciting to Kris that I’m surprised he didn’t want to pee his pants.
Adam – Okay, after a so-so first performance, I expected Adam to storm back with sword unsheathed, ready to rape and pillage the American Idol audience again and force the other two scurvy contestants to walk the plank… but instead, we got another semi-dud from Adam (although still infinitely better than anything Gokey did). I’ll admit that I’m not a big fan of the recent Aerosmith songs (or, if you’re Kara, the older Aerosmith stuff), so he had to do something really special to impress me. But this performance was all sorts of shallow and over the top theatrical for me (the last note was very musical theater). I suppose after Gokey mangled Steven Tyler last week this was a welcome palate cleanser, but it left me cold. Upon re-listen, it’s definitely showstopper material that showed off the kind of vocal pyrotechnics that appeals to his fans but just didn’t do anything for me. Simon had to warn the audience not to get complacent and to vote for Adam like his Idol life depended on it. Don’t worry Simon – only in a magical land of unicorns would Adam not make the finals. And if he doesn’t, it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.