During last week’s elimination show, I made two observations that will kick off this week’s blog. Observation 1: The heart of Melinda’s problem is that she has zero charisma. Now, she’s very nice, and she seems like a hard worker and very determined person. Admirable even. But there is just no personal magnetism that really grabs you when she sings, and the fact that she acts like she carries an AARP card makes me hope that they will lower the age requirement for next year. Observation 2: Jordin is not good enough to win American Idol, but she’s good enough to win American Idol this year. So I guess I’m begrudgingly rooting for Jordin to win because she’s more exciting than Melinda and sings way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaaaay better than Blake. Also, I want to punch Blake in the face because he’s such an annoying, full of himself cheeseball. Blake thinks he should be played by Jim Carrey in a movie because Blake thinks of himself as funny and entertaining. If his Jimmie Walker Blue character is any indication, Jim Carrey has hemorrhoids that are funnier. I’m not referring to talking hemorrhoids a la Ace Ventura – I’m referring to real, painful, itchy, prolapsed, honest to God hemorrhoids. “Yes Mr. Carrey, it does look like a sea anemone is stuck in your ass. But the other proctologists and I still find more amusing than Blake Lewis.” If you want to completely waste ten minutes of your life (ten minutes that feel like ten hours) then check out this clip. I dare you to laugh at anything this clip. Even the people in the clip seem to want to punch him in the face. In the future, when the sum total of humanity’s knowledge is all online, this clip will be linked inside the definition of the word unfunny, right next to the picture of Robin Williams. I can now empathize with all the Sanjaya haters. I think, though, I would be insane with rage right now if Gina Glocksen were in the top three, so I guess I should count my blessings.

Jordin – Well, it started out shaky, and while she had some good moments, it was mediocre overall. Simon’s song choice was rather odd and Jordin seemed rather uncomfortable with it, requiring her to change up the arrangement just to make it work. The lyrics were repetitive (one of the big song choice no-no’s in my book), and it just kind of plodded along. And while I know she’s just 17, what was with the incessant mugging and cutesy faces during the phone number portion? Man, that was annoying to watch. All the contestants should be warned not to play charades on stage. Yes Jordin, we love you too. Now quit it before you get on our nerves.

Blake – Blake drew the short straw this week and was saddled with the traditionally awful Paula song choice (Simon is correct that Roxanne is one of those songs that is so inexorably linked with the original artist that you end up with either a poor attempt at mimicry or something that just sounds wrong). But I ask you, it is really fair to have that much echo on a singing competition? It reminded me of those bad karaoke singers who asks for the pitch to be altered and extra echo added so they only barely have eke out the notes to be heard. It sounded like he was singing through a megaphone – not the kind you use for hostage negotiation, but the cheerleader kind that looks like a traffic cone with a handle. A bland and uninteresting rendition with no energy or substance, Blake sounded like the Zombie Sting. With extra echo! Echo! Echo! Ecch! Watch out for the flying mic!

Melinda – The first big laugh of the night was watching Gov. Bredesen of Tennessee attempting to interpret Randy’s fax – it was like listening to the Congressmen at the PMRC hearings reading lyrics from rap records. Just so stiff and just so… how shall I say this… so white. I was laughing so hard I missed the “Rock on Randy Johnson” line (luckily, my wife caught it and I hit the rewind button – repeatedly). Randy threw Melinda a Whitney song, and as it turned out, she couldn’t really handle it. It started out very strong, and I thought that I would finally enjoy one of her performances. But then it got boring. The ending was really rough, with Melinda uncharacteristically missing three or four notes. I don’t know about you, but that falsetto at the end was a big swing and miss. And that dress – the pattern made it look like it was composed of fish scales. It was like they wanted her to look like a carp or mermaid or something.

Jordin – You know, I always thought that She Works Hard For the Money was about a hooker, which makes it a wonderfully appropriate song for a… seventeen year old? What the hell were the producers thinking? I told my wife about my hooker thesis, and she wasn’t buying it until the line about the “clientele”. Oops… This was one of the few times Jordin consistently hit all her notes and sounded good throughout. And yet, I wasn’t wowed, and I felt the band sounded rushed.

Blake – I just didn’t get the outfit – a shirt, with a hoodie, and then a jacket on top of that? It was like he couldn’t decide between the hoodie and the jacket so he threw on both. Either that or he wanted to protect himself from pit stains. In any case, this was a good song choice for Blake, as the original vocals are bland, boring, and insubstantial, which is Blake’s singing style in a nutshell. Blake’s ultimate strategy has to be to pick songs that aren’t sung by good or memorable singers – otherwise he just pales in comparison. The producers helped him out greatly here.

Melinda – Picking Nutbush City Limits was a real misstep on the part of the producers because it not only has repetitive lyrics, but the repetitive lyrics are silly. Raise your hand if you giggled a few times when Melinda (repeatedly) sang, “Nutbush City Limits”. Imagine the teasing you’d get from the outside world if they found out you grew up in Nutbush City – might as well come from Ballpussy Town. This performance encapsulated the Melinda Doolittle experience – technically brilliant vocals, high energy, and absolutely no charisma. I was bored from start to finish. Melinda’s tribute to Iwo Jima was apropos in that she sounds like she’s as old as The Greatest Generation.

Jordin – Jordin dusted off the song that catapulted her from middle of the pack to contender for the crown. When she first sang I Who Have Nothing, she wowed the audience with her mature vocals and big voice. I guess the fact that it was a redo suppressed some of my enthusiasm, but it’s still her best performance to date. I understand Simon’s point about it sounding old, but Jordin did poke at the hypocrisy that is Simon Cowell when she quietly pointed out that someone who criticized a song choice for being too old himself dusted off a oldie from the 70’s for her. Of course, this pissed off Simon, who exacted revenge at the end of the show by leaving Jordin off his list for the two most deserving to go to the finals. Maybe she should have held her tongue, but Ryan was too drunk to point this out himself.

Blake – I can’t believe I’m about to write this but… I… actually… liked this performance. Maybe it was more the song than Blake, but – I enjoyed it. What the hell is going on? Is this really happening? I mean, it’s nowhere near good enough to make me pick him to go to the final two, but I think it was actually the second best vocal of the night. Okay, I’m getting faint and a little bit nauseous – it’s like when I laugh at something Robin Williams says. I mean, come on – that’s just not supposed to happen. Meanwhile, how did Blake amass such a large collection of Members Only jackets? Did he hop in a time machine and bring back an entire rack from a Chess King store? I mean, they’re obviously not his dad’s duds – that dude’s chin alone is four times bigger than his son. With that chin and profile, he looks like Bill Cowher. Or Marv from Sin City.

Melinda – Come on! I mean, come on! Are you going for the retirement home vote? I mean, just soooo old. Another dusted off retread, I’m A Woman was an okay novelty song for Melinda when she sang it the first time (way in the beginning of the competition) But now, it’s emblematic of just how old she sounds. Maybe Melinda can’t help it because it was how she was raised – her entire family looks like they stepped into a wormhole in 1956 on the way to church and ended up in 2007. I half expect her mother to be wearing a pillbox hat with a half veil. So as I’m sitting and listening to, “blahbitty blabbitty blabbitty blabbitty WHAAAA!” ad nauseum, a trick of shadows and light made me jump out of my seat and immediately press the rewind button. After studying the freeze-frame for a few minutes (cackling all the while), my wife finally figured out that the shadows of the flaps of her back pocket coupled with a wedgie made her ass look like the fangs of a bird-eating spider. And that was the most interesting thing about Melinda’s performance. Enjolie!