Today is my 29th birthday. China requires both adoptive parents to be at least 30 years old, although we can begin to prepare paperwork and a dossier for submission ahead of my 30th birthday (as long as it doesn't get to China until after I turn 30).

Today is also the 4th birthday of a little girl in China, waiting to be picked up by a friend of mine who is already adoptive mom to 3 little Chinese girls. I am so happy for their family, and hope things go smoothly with yet another adoption!

I finished reading Karin Evans' "The Lost Daughters of China," and it was a very informative, heartbreaking, but ultimately encouraging read. The Evans family adopted in 1997, a relatively short time after China opened for adoption by foreigners. I appreciated that Evans addressed some of the causes and myths surrounding the phenomenon of so many baby girls being abandoned in China. Even the word "abandoned" is very loaded, as many little girls are left by their parents in areas that are very safe and where their babies are likely to be found quickly. Since there is no way for Chinese parents to "create an adoption plan" or give up their babies legally, they have to resort to leaving their children alone in a public area, and hope they will be found quickly. I can't imagine being a Chinese mother with no resources, pressured by my family and culture to produce a son, leaving my baby girl to be found, having to watch as strangers pick up my little dear girl and call out "whose baby is this?" and not being able to run forward to claim her. I think my heart would break in half. I am very thankful to the Chinese mothers that do leave their girls to be found; I see this as a great act of love. Goodness knows that many little girl babies have suffered a meaner fate.

My eight-year-old Sarah was adopted by my husband yesterday in a very simple court hearing. We celebrated by going out for ice cream, and prepared for a camping trip we're taking together soon. I'm so glad that Dave has been given the legal rights of fatherhood he so richly deserves, and I know Sarah would be taken care of well if anything ever happened to me. The last line of Evans' book is: "'Yi Nu Ping An,'... 'One girl peaceful and safe.'"

Chinese girl or not - I can relate.

I've been reading and asking questions and exploring, as I do whenever anything piques my interest. I came across a Taiwan adoption program that does not require parents to be 30 years of age, but they do require us to be married for at least 5 years (and our five year anniversary is next May). My thirtieth birthday is next July. So, there's only a two month difference between meeting Taiwan's and China's requirements for adoption. Taiwan's adoption program is somewhat less expensive than China's (only because of a special arrangement with a particular orphanage for older/waiting children), but I don't want to feel that I'm shopping for a "bargain child" somehow. I also don't want to have the pool of children that could be referred to us limited to just one orphanage. I admit that I am drawn to China's hundreds of thousands of girls (there are more boys than girls available from Taiwan), and the relative ease of finding other families with children from mainland China (as opposed to Taiwan) is also attractive. I don't know whether there are enough cultural differences between the people of mainland China and the people of Taiwan to make it inadvisable to enroll in the Joyous Chinese Cultural School with a Taiwanese daughter, so those subtleties would need to be explored, too. I would want my daughter to feel a strong, authentic connection to her roots. I also have been very impressed with CCAI, their educational and charitable programs especially, and want to use them as our agency when and if things work out. CCAI only works with China, of course.

Guatemala's adoption program is also very attractive, although the cost involved is half again as much as China's fees (about another 10K USD). I haven't explored agencies locally that specialize in Guatemalan adoption, but will probably look into that more soon. We meet all the country requirements for Guatemalan adoption, and could adopt essentially right away. The option of a longer period of time to spread fees out and prepare is actually attractive in China's program, as I believe our family needs the time to acclimate to the idea of impending change. The dark side of that coin is our child having to wait longer for us to arrive, but there's not much we can do about China's processing time once the dossier is there. I do hope that we can sponsor our child in China once we have a referral; perhaps send clothes or vitamins to help her through the time between the referral and the adoption itself.

I admit that my heart feels drawn to China for reasons that can't even really be put into words; it just feels right. Dave and I are still working through the logistics of adding another family member, and trying to explore our feelings about how our roles and time management may change once "number 3" comes along. It's been useful to toss ideas about and try to understand the strategies we might use to make sure we're both comfortable.

In the meantime, I've been having dreams involving Asian children. In my last remembered dream, I was very pregnant and in labor. I knew the time was near, and walked into the hospital receiving area to be admitted. I was checked by a nurse, who said I was nowhere near being ready to give birth, that I wasn't even dilated yet, and I wasn't nearly uncomfortable enough to truly be laboring. I walked out into an adjacent room, thinking, "Of course, the nurse must be right. I'm not ready for this. She'd know if I were having a baby." As I am contemplating this, I realize that I feel a little crampy. I reach between my legs, and touch a little head crowning! (Nice that dream labor doesn't seem to hurt so much, eh?) I reach for my baby girl, and help her be born myself, pulling her up to hold her little naked baby body and keep her warm. She's a fat, healthy, chubby little Chinese baby with a head full of black hair, and I adore her instantly. I march back to the nurse's station, my daughter cuddled to me, and say, "See! I told you I was having my daughter! I *was* ready!" Then I marched right out again, determined to take care of this new little person in my life without the nurse's interference. I woke up after this, amused by what would be my most comfortable birthing experience ever, in dreams or otherwise!

And I felt strangely reassured upon waking by my own words - "See! I *was* ready!" And I truly hope I will be.

From WACAP's website:

It's a good investment. Adoption is one instance where you get more than you give.
It's needed. Millions of children around the world are without parents or families, and in this country, hundreds of thousands of kids wait in foster care.
It's influential. In times of war or disaster, adopting a child is a way to care for the world's most vulnerable citizens.
It's affordable. The U.S. tax credit of up to $10,390 per adoption means that adoptions are less costly than ever, and some are even free.
It feels good. Sharing your love and home with a child is joyful and rewarding.
It's powerful. Adoption changes at least two people's lives forever - yours and the child's.
It's effective. Adoption redeems children from institutions and hopelessness - and safeguards their future.
It's magical. You get to be a hero to someone who needs one.
It's responsible. Parenting a child who's already here helps reduce overpopulation.
It builds world peace. Children adopted from abroad and their families become ambassadors for international cooperation.
It's predictable - at least in comparison to infertility treatment. Do the paperwork, pay the fees, and become a parent.
It's interesting. Why have a family that looks just like everyone else's?
It's unselfish. You're choosing to love a child - not for biology's sake, but because the child needs you.
It's resourceful. In the words of the American humorist Garrison Keillor, "Nothing you do for a child is ever wasted."

I recently finished Nancy McCabe's book, "Meeting Sophie", in which she documents her experience in adopting a Chinese orphan. Ms. McCabe happens to be a single woman with a Ph.D. and a job in academia. I really enjoyed her book, but also wonder how I'd do in a similar situation. For one thing, I probably wouldn't be looking at adopting a child if I were single; I've done the single working mom thing, and know how hard it is. Then again, this was Nancy's first - I'm working on my third! One would be doable, three would be insane. It's not that the actual mothering is terribly difficult, although it certainly has its moments. It's the working full time, mothering full time, housekeeping full time, and trying to find time to sleep that gets a bit bothersome. Since Dave works full time, I have the luxury of choosing my schedule. My current job requires me two days per week during the school year (I'm off right now, and while I don't make any money during the summer, I also relish the freedom).

I recently applied to CU Boulder's Ph.D. program in audiology. I haven't received an official acceptance letter yet, but I've been in contact with some staff and faculty that have made some comments to suggest my chances are very good. I've coordinated with some fellow audiologists to make sure that my hours are covered at my current part time job while I pursue my doctorate. In many ways, I'd be happy to let those fellow audiologists *have* my job. If the finances allow, I'd rather be plugging along at school (hopefully with some kind of stipend or fellowship). There are many reasons I don't always enjoy my work, one of them being the 45 minute commute one way. Boulder, on the other hand, is only 15 minutes away.

Anyway, I'd be starting the Ph.D. work in January. If the adoption goes through, I'll be close to a year into the program before we travel to China. I don't think there will be a conflict, as I want to keep my hours minimal and flexible (and plan to coordinate with my advisors well in advance of any interruption of my studies), but I wonder what others will think about my priorities. Nancy McCabe had this problem; she was denied tenure during her adoption pursuit. She found a job at another university, but sure had a stressful time of it for a while. I remember that while I pursued my Master's as a single mother, I was always telling my advisors that my family came first, and always telling my family that I needed some time to study. Neither group seemed entirely satisfied (particularly my advisors, although I made it through just fine). I've been encouraged in knowing that there are doctoral students that are working at the same time they're studying - it bodes well for free time for me if I choose not to work - but I also wonder if those students are just plain nuts. Somehow the "nuts" theory seems likely.

I've only very rarely run into people that value both family and their professional lives in a balanced way. I definitely have run into folks of the extreme persuasions - militant stay-at-home-moms (I can't tell you how many times I've mentioned to female acquaintances that I have a job, only to get the furrowed brow and silent treatment until I mention that I'm only there two days per week. Then the clouds lift and I hear the, "Oh! Well that isn't so bad, then." Uh... no it isn't so bad. I actually think it's pretty good - my brain keeps working, I work the same hours my kids are in school, and I make a little money to boot) and those that are so consumed by work that family really does come second. There are lots of folks that still see homemaking and mothering as boring or second class, and I digress. If I choose to stay home, does that make me dull or less valuable? I don't think so. If I choose to work full time and let Dave take over more child care duties, does that make me a bad mother? I doubt it. I would like to think there's a happy medium somewhere, too.

I admit that the folks who tell me I ought to be at home with my children make me more upset than those who tell me I should work more. For one thing, I *am* at home with my children! Gennie goes to preschool two days a week, Sarah's in school, and I'm at work during those times only. And of course, there's the deeper feminine culture wound - the world history of women not being given a choice as to what they wish to do with their lives. Stay home, or be shunned. Again, it's not staying home that's bad - but being forced to stay home definitely gets my hackles up. As for those who tell me to work more, I can shrug and smile and think, "Sorry, I have better things to do!" Thank goodness I have the choice! I doubt that I'll wish I spent more time at work when I'm 80 years old, looking back on my life.

I am looking forward to jump-starting my brain again with some school work and research, and I hope it won't get too hectic. In any case, I want my girls to see me "going for it," and know they can do whatever they want with their lives. After all, Mommy could!

So can I be Dr. Mommy *and* go to China? You'd better believe it!

Dave and the kids and I went to a neighbor's house yesterday, who had a bunk bed, a large 6-drawer dresser, and a chest for sale as a set. Sarah's small dresser just wasn't cutting it anymore, as she keeps growing and her clothes grow right along with her (and take up more room). The furniture was all nice, heavy, solid wood that had already survived two boys growing up to teenagerhood and had only a few dings to show for it. We went ahead and bought the set, particularly since the price was right. So, now Sarah has a dresser that has more than double the space, I have a large sturdy chest that I'm using as a window seat in our master bedroom (blanket storage with a view!), and Sarah's got bunkbeds (and she's reeeeally excited about that top bunk!). And Dave and I were both considering that the extra bed would come in quite handy if we have a Chinese daughter coming home sometime (they can be used as separate twin beds, too).

We're hoping to finish our basement sometime (costs about as much as an adoption, and doing either, let alone both is a stretch!), so we can move Dave's office downstairs and have an extra bedroom available upstairs for our new daughter. Until that happens, though, the older girls will need to share a room. Fortunately, we have room to expand, eventually. Sarah says she's really excited about sharing her room, but as an experienced "oldest sister" myself, I suspect that the situation may get old fast. Those pesky little sisters. :) Maybe we'll get lucky, and Sarah will be less bossy than I was, and her new little sister will be less, well.... little sister-y. Apparently Dave and I have been talking enough about the China possibility that Sarah has said, "That bed is for my new Mei Mei." (Mei Mei means little sister in Chinese).

So, for most of the evening yesterday I put the first coat of white paint on the beds and dresser. I expect I'll be finishing up late tonight or early tomorrow, and the fresh paint does wonders for the set. I don't know what my little girl in China is doing today, but her mom is right here, painting her bed for her. It'll be here, warm and waiting. I hope she has sweet dreams, wherever she is, in the meantime.

Am I feeling overly optimistic, overly hopeful about this adoption working out? Probably. But I need a little time to whitewash.

I've had a lot of conversations lately with family about choices, specifically choosing to adopt. It's been hard in some ways; unfortunately I have a family that likes to think rather than simply accepting what I say as the best possible opinion because I'm queen of the world. (Yes, I'm joking - I'm VERY glad they care enough to A.) think and B.) tell me their thoughts honestly and lovingly.)

So, having sort of delved into this blog with trumpets blaring and my usual full-steam-ahead-I've-made-my-decision attitude, I'm wanting to back up and talk some more about my motivations in wanting to adopt a child, and the process that has evolved into a desire to add to my family (and is still evolving as time passes on). Darn, you think. And I seemed like such a self-assured person (ha!). I'm still looking for the "I've got all the answers" blog. Nobody I've met so far seems to have that on the 'net yet.

I began looking at adoption photolistings when Dave and I were tossing around the idea of adding Genevieve (my second biological daughter) to our family. I looked at so many faces, read so many stories, would come to bed crying for the sons and daughters with nobody to love them. I could love them, I thought. These children are not any less precious for not carrying my genetic material. I just wanted a child - the rest was negotiable! I was drawn particularly to the China program, but being underage for China adoption (they require 30, I was 26), I pushed the thoughts back to the recesses of my brain. I admit that I really had a wish to have Dave's baby, too, having had a difficult experience with my first pregnancy that I wanted to replace with more positive memories. I still liked birth better than pregnancy, but ultimately was very glad to have had that experience with Dave (and absolutely adore Gennie, of course).

For three years I continued to look at adoption sites intermittently. Sometimes I'd come to bed weeping over those little strangers. Dave wasn't always aware of my interest. I'd tell him I'd been looking, but it was always sort of casual. So here I am, turning 29 so soon, and realizing I'm only a year away from the magic age for China adoption. I looked into the adoption resources more thoroughly. I began gathering information. I began second-guessing my motivations. Why do I want this? Am I lonely? Am I trying to save the world? Am I bored? Am I just wanting to experience another country (do I just need to ride "It's a Small World" at Disneyland a few times until the idea of small foreign children makes me ill, or what?) I kept returning to these questions, and over and over again, I came to what I see as the crux of the matter. I want to love another child. I want to share my life and my resources and my love with another child. And I would feel lucky to have the opportunity, so no - I'm not saving the world. I even feel selfish, because I would be far more blessed than the child I adopted. I just want to go find my daughter and bring her home. There really is only one good reason for adopting: wanting to love and parent a child.

So, around the end of June, my emotional dam burst, and I told Dave everything. How I'd been looking at adoption for years, been watching friends around me adopt Chinese babies and soaking in their experiences, how I felt that I had a daughter somewhere that was waiting for me to come and get her. And Dave, as any rational guy would do with a hysterical wife raving about going to China to pick up her until-now non-existent child (as if I'd just forgotten to pick her up from soccer practice or something), gets kinda freaked and calls a time-out. Since then, we've been going more slowly. Reading, talking, processing, thinking, coming back to it. And I've started the blog, because it allows me to organize and express my thoughts without driving us both batty.

I'm grateful for a husband who can say, "I'm open. I want you to be happy. I need time, but let's talk some more." It's a pleasure to tell him I want him to be happy, too. We're trying to make sure that we're scheduling "me time" on both ends - that we both get breaks, stimulation, relaxation, whatever we can do to nurture ourselves. I truly believe we can make it so we're both fulfilled.

Dave and I have filled out a "Waiting Child" form for our agency (CCAI). What this means is that we can preview information about healthy older children and children with medical issues that have a harder time finding homes. (Healthy younger children are matched by the China Center for Adoption Affairs, and adoptive parents can make requests for a particular age range or gender, but ultimately cannot choose their child). On the waiting child form, we specified what kinds of medical issues we would be open to in an adopted child (Dave and I agree that we don't want to get in over our heads, and checked only mild/correctable issues that we were more familiar with). We would like a girl between the ages of 5-7 at our time of travel. We faxed the forms in, and are waiting for the next waiting child list to come to CCAI from China. If a child is available that meets our criteria, then we will be forwarded information about her, and we can decide whether we wish to pursue more information and/or adopt her. We are able to "keep an eye" on the waiting child list while still pursuing a "traditional" healthy child adoption through CCAI, and can keep as many options open as possible in this way. We haven't gotten so far as to send in our adoption application to CCAI for the traditional program, as we feel that it truly means we're "on the way" in a committed kind of way, and we want to be absolutely sure that adoption is what we want to do. I personally feel very ready to go ahead, but I've had more time to look things over than Dave has, and I respect his need to feel as resolved as I do about it.

My husband, David, is adopting my daughter, Sarah, on the 29th of July, 2005. This is an incredibly exciting event for our whole family, as it brings a sense of completeness and security that legal paperwork brings only *after* it's signed. Dave is a great dad, and has never questioned his role in Sarah's life as bringer of love and maker of breakfast oatmeal. There have been some emotional issues for Sarah regarding other people's perceptions of "real dads," but we have been very consistent in telling her that she has *two* real dads! We also have told her that having two real dads doesn't change after an adoption. She is lucky, because she can love them both! And Sarah is the kind of child that everybody loves because they just can't help it. Involuntary devotion. She's happy, patient, and compassionate towards others, and we are very grateful for her wonderful personality traits. We also wonder whether Sarah might be a helpful resource for our Chinese daughter, in being able to comfort her as a fellow adoptee. I truly hope that they can be friends as well as sisters. If our prospective international adoption of another little girl comes to pass, David will be adoptive dad to two girls. He's a special man. I love him a lot.

The picture of Dave and Sarah above is from our recent vacation in Steamboat Springs. We rode a gondola up Mt. Werner, with some terrific views on the way and at the top. To the right is a picture of our youngest, Genevieve, with a dinosaur bone in Dinosaur National Monument (we stopped in the park on our way from Utah to Colorado). I'm posting her picture just because she's darn cute.

While the majority of e-mails I receive are very encouraging regarding adoption from China, I have received some from those convinced that my daughter will have Reactive Attachment Disorder, and that my wish to adopt out of birth order is also "not desirable."

I wonder how many adopted kids with "attachment disorders" are simply not being given appropriate outlets to manage their grief and loss. I admit that the possibility of destructive and aggressive behavior is a scary prospect. I received one e-mail that mentioned that parents of children that have attachment problems are "silenced" on the main adoptive e-mail lists, ostracized, and generally treated as if the problems are the parents' faults and not something the child brought along with them. I find this very sad for both the parents and the children involved, but again, I wonder whether there may be some resources that are being under-utilized, or a set of expectations from either parent or child (or both) that aren't coming to pass. I personally feel very ready to allow my child to acknowledge and grieve her past life, and want to help her through that as best I can.

http://www.attach-china.org

On the other hand, I've received many *more* e-mails mentioning that they, too, were frightened by the warnings, but were ultimately very glad they had gone ahead with their leap of faith to adopt an older child. "She's a delight." Here's an interesting article by a psychiatrist regarding his opinion of attachment disorders, with a follow-up from an adoptive parent and MD.

http://www.pshrink.com/chinadopt/Attachment_Disorders.html

I have yet to hear any good reason for not adopting out of birth order, other than the vague "not desirable" argument. Some say that adopting a child that is older than your oldest makes the latter feel displaced (not an issue for our desired age range) and that adopting a child younger than your youngest, again, makes the latter feel displaced (again, not an issue, since we're looking at adding a "middle child"). So, my existing children retain their positions in the family, making my main concern whether a child plopped right into the middle would feel okay with that. Comments and experiences welcome!

I admit that in many ways the specter of therapy is less frightening than the specter of open heart surgery after an undiagnosed medical problem. I have been somewhat encouraged that China's medical reports are (for the most part) accurate and have improved greatly over the years (as opposed to some from Eastern Europe and Russia, which unfortunately have rather a rocky reputation). I found a great resource online regarding the interpretation of medical reports in international adoption, which I'll share here:

http://www.orphandoctor.com/services/assessment/guidelines.html

All I can say is that I hope everything goes smoothly!

I've had many e-mails, even from strangers, extolling the wonders and joys of adopting older children.

"She's brought such radiance to our lives."

"She fits right in, the bumpy road is so worth the joy."

Here is an article in Mothering Magazine that I read today, again, ultimately encouraging regarding the adoption of older children from China!

http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/adoption/older-child.html

I'm searching the net looking for China adoption stories with older children. Here are some that I've found:

http://ourchinaadoption.com/home_martin.html

http://www.wiaa.org/adoptjourney.asp

I wish it were easier to find more; certainly the majority of adopted children from China are infants and toddlers.

Please add a comment with a link if you have more online adoption stories to share!

Amy

Here's some sappy poetry that makes people like me cry! My husband and I agree that we would wish to adopt an older child, perhaps 5-6 years of age, rather than a baby. I feel that I've "been there, done that" with my biological babies, and feel drawn to an older child.

The Waiting Child by Debbie Bodie

I saw you meet your child today
You kissed your baby joyfully
And as you walked away with her
I played pretend you'd chosen me.

I'm happy for the baby, yet
Inside I'm aching miserably
I want to plead as you go by,
"Does no-one want a child of three?"

I saw you meet your child today
In love with her before you met
And as I watched you take her out
I knew it wasn't my turn yet.

I recognize you from last year!
I knew I'd seen your face before!
But you came for a second babe.
Does no-one want a child of four?

I saw you meet your child today
But this time there was something new
A nurse came in and took MY hand
And then she gave my hand to you.

Can this be true? I'm almost six!
And there are infants here you see?
But then you kissed me and I knew
The child you chose this time was me.

Copyright 1997 DEBBIE BODIE

Our family has recently begun to investigate adopting a little girl from China. We are screening agencies, and gathering information about the adoption process. Chinese Children Adoption International (CCAI) www.chinesechildren.org is tops on the list right now, I think. This is a very big, very emotional decision that has materialized more and more over time. I have a great desire to bring my daughter home. Here is a picture of me with my biological daughters, Sarah and Genevieve.