Wow, things have been busy around here. I had my orientation for the CU Boulder Ph.D. program yesterday. I have been encouraged to be friendly yet respectful, independent yet connected, and generally have been provided with a mixture of specific and vague information that I still need time to sift through. I do know that it will be a challenge; I remember feeling slightly overwhelmed at a similar meeting for grad school prior to my master's degree starting.

One thing I have been looking into is the state of audiology in China. It would seem that there are a mere handful (as in, numbering in the tens to perhaps low hundreds) of audiologists for the whole 1.3 billion population of China. Talk about caseloads. Here in the U.S. we have mandatory newborn hearing screening, early intervention, early fitting of hearing aids, speech therapy, and all sorts of follow-up procedures from birth to geriatric populations. I find it hard to imagine so many millions of hearing-impaired children being without audiological services. So many millions of elderly people isolated by their inability to hear their family members and friends via a hearing aid.

I have offered my services to CCAI as an audiologist, willing to do as many hearing screenings and related services as I can free of charge while I'm there. They have responded with "that'd be great, but let's wait until we get closer to your time of travel before we figure this out." More waiting.... that's okay. If I can verify an opportunity to help the children via an audiological mission, I can perhaps bring fellow audiologists, solicit donations of hearing aids and FM systems, and perhaps create connections with the audiologists in China to create a professional web of resources for them. A connection with China audiologists would also provide a great resource for joint hearing health research within the country. This research and concurrent increase in audiological services would provide a lot for the hearing impaired and deaf communities of China.

I would like to think I could make a difference. Perception and communication - so many take these things for granted, but what a gift for those that are currently without. I hope I can help.

My husband is worried about the transition from two to three kids. He really wants to be a great dad (which he already is to our two biological daughters), and worries that three may tip the scales towards disaster - or at least exhaustion. He's completely on board with a China adoption, provided he feels comfortable with the increase in the number of kids. Admittedly, it's hard to envision having more children when one of our biological daughters is a very active 2-year-old right now, and quite the handful! We want to adopt an older child, possibly with a birthdate in 1999 or 2000.

He's concerned that he works 40 hours a week, and wouldn't be able to spend as much time as I do with the kids. While I appreciate the desire to smash traditional gender role limitations and his wish to be as important in his daughters' lives as I am, I also believe he's asking too much of himself to be Superdad in trying to be both full-time breadwinner and full-time nurturer.

I would really like to hear from adoptive dads, particularly dads who have more than 2 children. Adoptive moms, could you ask your husbands to respond?

Dads:

What was the transition like from having two children to having three?

How do you balance self-nurturing with the nurturing of your children?

How have things changed over time (children getting older, division of responsibilities, etc.)?

Thanks in advance for your responses!

I will shortly be joining the Chinese Student and Scholar Association (CSSA) at CU Boulder. It's a club on campus that sponsors activities for the Autumn Moon Festival, Chinese New Year, etc., and acts as a haven for the Chinese students to get together and have Chinese movie nights and such. I did send an e-mail to the president of the club, asking if it was appropriate that I join (being an American without Chinese ancestry to speak of), and she said I was more than welcome. And added that I wouldn't be the only American in the group - so I shouldn't feel awkward.

I thought of the prospect of a Chinese daughter, who will probably have quite a few circumstances where she is in the minority - one of a few Asian kids, or even the only one. I figure it's only fair that her mom experience the feeling, too! I imagine I'll feel different, not one of the "in-crowd" in my inability to speak Mandarin beyond "Ni Hao," and possibly awkward despite Ms. Liu's assurances. That's okay. I want to find the Chinese folks who do want to make a connection with our family, for fun and for my daughter's sake as well.

In the meantime, we're bringing our old TV to a Chinese student living in off-campus housing this weekend. He doesn't have a car, and offered to take the bus to come and pick it up. Being a motherly sort and remembering myself what it was like to take the bus everywhere, I insisted we deliver it to him. Can you imagine carrying a heavy TV set through three separate bus transfers? No fun!

I have noticed that the Chinese students on the CSSA e-mail list take good care of each other; asking for advice from the others on all kinds of subjects. It's nice to see.

Anyway, I may soon learn how to make mooncakes and understand more Mandarin via Chinese movie night! It should be an adventure.

I watched the National Geographic film "China's Lost Girls" on DVD recently. I'm wondering when I'm going to get through one of these things without crying like a wuss. Every DVD I've watched that has addressed the subject of Chinese adoption has made me cry. When you're trying to screen agencies for China adoption, this can be problematic; almost all of them have introductory DVDs of some kind. A few of them I've watched more than once, to see if I've "hardened up," and I still cry. I take it in stages, so I don't run out of tissues. I also don't want my daughters to see me looking sad every time I watch something having to do with Chinese adoption. My oldest has already commented on it. "You okay, Mom?" "Absolutely, sweetie, why?" (as tears roll down my cheeks around my smile...)

Anyway, Lisa Ling did a good job with her documentary. She glosses over some of the more troubling aspects of the social and economic conditions that lead to so many girls being available for adoption, but she doesn't ignore them either. It's a very good overview (how much detail can be covered in an hour, anyway?), and I felt Ling struck a good balance between the warm fuzzies and the not-so-fun stuff. The scenes that included the adoptive parents and foster parents of the girls were particularly touching.

I have read some reviews of the film that commented on Lisa Ling's lighthearted "I want one!" statement; some seem to think that it trivializes the girls' status to that of an object or a pet. I admit I've used the same words around a friend of mine that recently brought home a baby girl from China. But I've also used those words around babies everywhere, not just those adopted from China, as a way of saying "S/he is so cute! I want a baby too!" It hasn't always been completely serious, since my life's demands have not always been conducive to parenting at any given moment that I've come across a cute baby ("Hey honey - I saw a cute baby at the supermarket today and figured it's time we got pregnant...") After all, what we want is not always what we should get. I completely understand the mommy urges, though. I think of my friend, and my inquiries into her experiences with Chinese adoption, and hope she knows I've always meant the best.

To put the shoe on the other foot, there's an adoptive father that teases Lisa about a sequel to "Charlie's Angels," which Ling wasn't in: that was Lucy Liu. Lisa took it in stride, but it does bring up some interesting issues. Yes, similar names; yes, they are both Asian women on television, but one needs to be careful in grouping all Chinese women together as if they are one (as if they can't be told apart). I want to make sure my little girl knows she is Chinese and has a group identity, that she is part of our family and has an identity as an equal, incredibly loved member of that family, but I also want her to know that she *herself* has her own identity that she can shape to become whatever she wants to be in life. I wonder how many times that adoptive dad has kicked himself for the mistake; I'm sure he either realized it or was informed (possibly multiple times).

Anyway, I definitely recommend the film. Here's to hoping more of those "lost girls" get found by their families!

I received an e-mail recently from a fellow prospective adoptive mom. She described a post to an adoption forum that asked essentially whether one "has" to receive a Buddhist blessing during the adoption trip. Apparently this individual was worried about it being equivalent to "bowing to an idol" (i.e. Buddha), and felt it conflicted with her Christian religious beliefs.

I find that truly sad. These people are debating issues such as whether someone should adopt who is not Christian, and they have no respect for a major religion of their child's homeland. And I'm not "Buddhist" per se, yet I read authors such as Thich Nhat Hahn and the Dalai Lama, and have statues of the Buddha and Kwan Yin at home because I just think they're beautiful. Kwan Yin in particular has taken on a special meaning for me since we began considering adoption - she's goddess of compassion and fertility, appealed to by some Chinese women wishing for their children. I think of my little girl, and hope she is being kept safe and sound until I can come and bring her home, every time I see Kwan Yin's statue. Buddhism is about compassion and self control - something I think certain Christians could probably benefit from an extra dose of.

We all wish for peace, and yet we cannot even accept "otherness" without becoming defensive. Peace will never come unless people open their hearts and look for the good in those that are not like them. It is unfortunate that when people say, "That's not acting very Christian!" people like my husband and I can glance at each other and know exactly what the other is thinking - that we actually run into more Christians that act poorly than those that act well. We appreciate it even more, then, when we find folks that are Christian and promote peace, understanding, civil rights, conservation, etc. They're certainly out there, perhaps they're simply less visible. Unitarian Universalism has been a good fit for our family, as we feel it's important for our children to learn about many different religious traditions, and to respect otherness.

One argument I've heard is that you "can't just go around accepting everybody." I think that's true; I don't accept those that actively try to hurt others, are intolerant of difference, are unfair in their dealings, are dishonest, selfish, or wasteful. There are fundamental values that are important no matter what background a person hails from. The main problem I have with those who pose the "you can't accept everybody" argument is that they are usually people who believe they can *only* accept those that are just like themselves. These are not mutually exclusive options.

Anyway, I can use all the blessings I can get! And I must say that I would deeply appreciate Buddhist monks wishing my daughter and our family well - how could that possibly be a bad thing!?

I'm looking for a good independent study course to learn Mandarin. I've taken Spanish this way, and did very well with Learning Spanish Like Crazy. It was basically an audio course, which was great for accurate pronunciation, with transcripts for reference. Obviously, transcripts in Chinese won't help me much unless it's pinyin!

Suggestions greatly welcomed!

I was officially accepted as a new Ph.D. student at CU Boulder last week. I'll be starting in August, rather than in January as I previously expected. I was given the choice, and decided that August would be a better plan: I get to start at the beginning of the academic year, and I can progress in series classes without as much difficulty. This is good news on the adoption front, as well, as I will be able to get more done before traveling to China when and if we go. I am excited about going back, and somewhat apprehensive as well. School begins on the 22nd.

I wish I knew exactly what my life will be like in a couple of years. I see my Ph.D. work as an opportunity to reach out and try to recreate myself yet again, searching for that magic formula of balance and intellectual stimulation and service and renewal. I want my children to feel loved. I want my life to have spark. I want to feel that I'm doing something truly wonderful with my life, and regret only a few things I have done, rather than lots of things I haven't.

So many things I'm reaching for. So many hopes. I don't want to see them shattered because I reach for them too clumsily. I continue to plan, to research, to investigate. Fortunately doctoral work provides training in research; I hope the patience and planning involved spill over into other areas of my life.