Some of this is just end-of-the-semester blues, which always happens when things are high stress at this time. So much to finish up, and yet the brain and body are unwilling.

I put up the Christmas decorations last weekend, and I'm feeling the hole where Eleanor Zitao should be. My grandmother (and now, my mother) have been making our family Christmas stockings since long before I could remember. My mother has made one for each child as they've joined the family. We don't have one for Eleanor. Yet. It just feels like she ought to have one there. I also bought etched glass ornaments for our tree with names and birthdates for each of the girls, including Eleanor Zitao. I'm both perplexed and saddened, because the cloth pouch that held Eleanor's ornament somehow went missing. I kept all three together, and had checked them all when they first came (and they're lovely), but Eleanor's got up and walked away somehow. I've been looking for it for a couple of weeks now, and it's really strange.

To complete my pity party, there aren't any updates from China forthcoming. I'm not expecting anything that way, just hoping... but I really need to hear something. Anything. I don't mean travel approval - that's some time off - but just an update to say, "She's growing, she's feeling healthy, she's doing xyz in school...." And a new picture. Several families have tried to get one for me while they visited the Hefei CWI, but she's in school during the day on weekdays, and unavailable for pictures during that time. The last measurements we have for her were from January. I'm thinking that surely the CCAA could at least update that and send it to Heritage for us, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm trying to keep things active and upbeat, but it's a struggle right now. I took the girls to see "Happy Feet" last night (their Dad is out of town until later tonight, so it was a girls' night out). They were so good. Genevieve has been so sweet lately, and has exclaimed on several occasions in the sweetest voice possible, "I DO like Christmas decorations, Mommy. Look at the pretty lights! I DO like our Christmas house." Sarah has been busying herself with making things out of paper, and has seemed a little down to me lately, too (she claims to be tired, which I believe) - so I've been trying to spend more time with her and have had several giggle sessions with Sarah after Gen was put to bed. I think the wintertime lack of daylight doesn't help - we're probably down and tired in part because of being in the dark such a greater proportion of the time.

I'm not doing well at being patient. I'd do much better if there were something I could latch onto, but there's just not. I remember renting a doppler unit so I could listen to Gennie's heartbeat before she was born. Whenever I felt worried or wistful, I just whipped out the doppler and listened to her. It was nice to have the reassurance that she was there, growing, and that more than likely everything was fine. Once she started kicking me in the ribs, I sent the doppler back! :)

I'm sure this adoption will get to the "kicking me in the ribs" stage soon enough - but for now, I need some signs of life!!