I realized today that I've never mentioned the Half the Sky Foundation. Half the Sky sponsors early education and infant nurture programs for orphanages in China.

http://www.halfthesky.org

We've sponsored little girls in China through Half the Sky for some time now. I would post their pictures and use their pretty names, except that HTS wants to keep the information confidential. This makes sense to me, as the CCAA has strict rules about pre-identification of children being adopted internationally, and a snafu on that front could shut down an orphanage's international adoption program. Better safe than sorry.

The first toddler we sponsored was actually adopted recently (which is great news). She had a birthday within a few days of my three-year-old. I found it strange to think about my happy pregnancy, that while I was so eager to have my baby, and to take my little daughter home, that there was another pregnant woman halfway around the world who was about to give birth to a little girl that she would then abandon. I wonder if she wanted to keep her little girl, and couldn't. I wonder if she was unwed and scared. I wonder if she gave birth in a safe place, whether she had someone to help her through labor. I hope she knows that her daughter is happy and safe now with a new family. When and if we adopt, I wish we could let my daughter's birth mother know that her baby is loved and in a good home. Maybe we could place an ad in the local newspaper of the town where she was abandoned, saying "the little girl left in this place on this date is okay, and we love her, and we promise she will have a good life."

The little girl we sponsor now through Half the Sky is apparently quite the handful, a bit rough around the edges for being so young! Through the nurturing of her nanny, she is starting to soften, and it's nice to get the progress reports every quarter. Hopefully we'll end up changing children often as they are adopted by their forever families.

I've been trying to come to grips with the possibility that an adoption won't happen. I know David still has issues to work through when it comes to feeling comfortable with an adoption, and I know that there are other things that could happen to stop the process in its tracks at any time (such as a sudden change in international relations between China and the U.S., an epidemic illness like SARS, a decision by the CCAA to disallow further international adoption by foreigners, etc.). The latter scenarios are unlikely, but possible.

I am a willful woman. I already know this to be the case. When I want something to happen, I am like an ox dragging a cart with no wheels: determined to get there even if the ropes are straining. I truly, truly want to adopt. It makes my heart hurt to even think about not being able to follow through. But I also know that I have to allow someone else to pull alongside me on this one, and I have to let Dave feel out his comfort zone. I know our family would come through bright and strong. I have no doubt of our abilities to parent and love another child. David's worries stem from wanting to be the perfect equal for me. He does not want to fall into the traditional gender-trap roles of me as childcare provider and him as breadwinner. He wants to be sure he has the energy to parent another child. He knows he could love another daughter - he doesn't worry about that - but he does worry about being able to nurture all of his children well. His caution makes me glad and furious at the same time. I love that he wants to be a good father. I have confidence that he would do very well with another daughter. However, I find that I resent that his insecurity might prevent me from becoming a mother again, when I so dearly want to bring my daughter home. It may be that I am more naturally talented with child care tasks. If that's the case, and I'm willing to do the child care work (which I am), I feel I ought to be able to take on that responsibility, whether or not it happens to fall into what used to be termed as "women's work." The feminist struggle is not about equal amounts of equal work with men all the time. It's about being able to CHOOSE where we wish to spend our energies, and being given the credit we deserve for the work we do. I choose to be a mother first.

It feels like a lot of organizational and emotional work to be done. I know it will ultimately be worth it, though, if it means that our whole family becomes more comfortable with the adoption idea. (Of course, there's a big part of me that just wants to get ON with it!!) Patience, Amy. Patience.

So, I've been having lots of fun going through lists of names at www.babynames.com. So far, there's a bunch I hate, some that are "okay," and several that I really like. However, Dave's indifferent to most of them, and probably thinks I'm a little bit nuts for even spending my time this way so early in the game. Fortunately, he's always been tolerant of my variations of nutsiness. Besides, it's fun, and harmless (other than keeping me in adoption fantasy mode).

For now, I'm keeping my favorite names secret. At least from everybody besides Dave, Sarah, Gennie and me. :)

I recently started a couple of new adoption-related books: "Our Own: Parenting and Adopting the Older Child" and "A Passage to the Heart: Writings from Families with Children from China." I'll update with some book reviews once I've finished them.

So, I've mentioned Tim Chauvin's CD on this blog before, which I HEARTILY recommend; it remains a solid favorite in my collection. I recently came across another CD Baby find for adoption-related music, by Ann Pence. It's called "Gotcha Day." You can listen to snippets of the songs at this link:

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/pence2

I really like some of these tracks, and Ann has a nice voice. I have to say that the "Babies" song could start turning into the Chinese adoption version of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer." It really sticks in your head and may eventually lead to some nervous tics if one isn't careful. It's just about the last thing I'd want to hear while jet-lagged in Hong Kong. I could envision this song being enthusiastically sung over and over by a certain nine-year-old and three-year-old I know, who would be more than happy to sing such a great kids' song the entire fourteen hour flight to China. And back again. Lordy, lordy. However, several of the other tracks are acoustically soothing, and really very sweet. (Actually, even the "Babies" song is likable, if you're in the right mood).

This hopeful future adoptive Mom gives the recording a thumbs-up.

Well, I survived my first year of graduate school. Spring semester had its own challenges, including a strange, although it would seem temporary, brush with a mysterious nervous system inflammation of some kind. I got to spend a bunch of time in MRI machines, and people were dropping words like "multiple sclerosis," and "tumor" and other fun terms - just in case I needed a little reality check, I suppose. I felt weak, and my reflexes weren't what they should have been, and my muscles had numbness that came and went. Scary stuff. I'm doing well now, though, which I am so thankful for, since the most scary thing was believing that maybe the international adoption would be impossible, instead of only improbable. The neurologists (I saw two of them) do not believe that I have MS or any other weird, horrible disease. And, as Arnold would say, "It's not a tumor." This is good! (I never knew how nice it is to NOT be sick! We don't know how lucky we are most of the time!)

I am taking the summer mostly off, although I may be doing a little work here and there for my advisor. I'm taking the opportunity to garden, to live in a sort of clean house, and to play with my kids as much as I want to. I love my babies.

I am also having a relapse of longing for my adoptive daughter. It's hard, because Dave still isn't quite where he needs to be when it comes to feeling good about adoption. He's worried about doing "well by everybody," and doesn't realize what a good dad he already is. I wish he could relax, and realize that he will still get the time he needs to rejuvenate himself. Everybody needs that. And I'd much rather have him feeling happy and fulfilled when he's around the kids, rather than tired and grumpy because he hasn't had a break.

My plan right now is to wait until at least the end of the year to make any final decisions about whether or not to apply to adopt. It gives us all a chance to really work it all out. We can all relax (or obsess, ha ha) until then, and maybe aim for China travel around spring of 2008. By then, I'll have most of my Ph.D. done, too. Good reasons all around for a wait, I think. Still, it's hard to wait, knowing that we could start our dossier any time now!

I really want my little girl. I think about her every day, and just want everything to be okay.