Dave and I are sending in our application to adopt. We are finally on our way!!!

I turn 30 on Sunday, and this is a great birthday present. :)

I'm up late again; that's not uncommon these days. I had a bit of a revelation recently. I keep thinking about why I want to adopt. Yes, I want to add another child to our family. I want to love and care for that little girl. There is a space that is ready for her in my heart. It hurts to have that space empty.

However, I realized tonight that it's about more than my desire to simply expand my family. Cue long story here:

When I became pregnant with Sarah (my first-born), I was not married at the time. I grew up in a conservative religious home, and I was deeply ashamed of my pregnancy, and religious social pressures around me discouraged my becoming a single mother. Basically, I could marry, or give up my child or have someone else raise the baby for me. I remember feeling so pressured, so confused, and just wanting to keep my baby come what may. I married someone I shouldn't have - I thought it was the only way to keep my little girl - and endured a great deal of heartache as a result. I want to be clear here - my parents were and are very supportive of me. I just knew that I had to try to do what I thought was the right thing, what I had been brought up to believe. It took three years to figure out what I knew was true from the very beginning, to prove to myself that it really wouldn't work, that I was not meant to be with the man who fathered my baby .

My story has a happy ending, in that I finally chose to leave (both my marriage and my church) with my daughter, met the challenge of single motherhood with gusto, and met and married the man of my dreams. David adopted Sarah, and we were blessed with another daughter in 2003. To be loved, unashamed, and happy during pregnancy was such a wonderful thing for me. Our daughters are growing up to be intelligent, healthy, strong girls, and I am so proud of them.

So - to come to the point - I empathize with Chinese women who feel compelled to give up their babies. I want to heal not only the heart of a little girl who becomes my daughter, but of her mother somewhere in China. I know how difficult it must be to give up a baby. I remember grieving so hard at the mere idea of giving up my own child. I couldn't do it, even with the prospect of my child having a better life with someone else. I think I've done very well, but I was terrified at the time. I grieve for my Chinese sisters who have fewer choices than I did. I hope to somehow get the word out after I adopt, that a little girl who was left in such-and-such a place, on such-and-such a date, is happy, safe, and sound with our family. And in the process, my own heart will heal a bit as well.

I would be the lucky one. The saved one. And all of my daughters would be loved so much; I can't imagine living without each one. My third child was born in my heart, right around the time I was grieving that I would never be able to have a child again.

To adopt is to bring new life to us all.

I realized on Tuesday where my priorities are, in some ways. Well, I think I already knew, but it was confirmed yet again. (Home.)

I had a "plan of study" meeting with my doctoral committee. After spending lots of time scheduling and rescheduling the actual meeting itself to meet various individual's time constraints (I hate coordinating that kind of thing), it was relatively painless. Essentially, this is a meeting for advice, approval of academic goals, and having everything in writing so it makes it seem that one might actually escape student-hood someday. My master's thesis was approved to meet my preliminary examination requirement, which is great. Knew I'd be glad I did that someday. Right now I'm aiming to graduate by Fall 2009; a date that seems both far away and yet frighteningly near. The good news is that I'll really be ABD - All But Dissertation - by the time we'd likely be going to China to pick up a little girl. My classes would be done, which would make my schedule more flexible, and according to everyone else, less stressful (you know, except for that massive project hanging over your head thing). Maybe ABD stands for All But Daughter in my case. I think I stress more about wanting the China adoption than I do about doctoral work. Doctoral work actually seems to be a nice distraction from the wait and worry.

My committee and I talked over my desire to be a professor, but that I felt it was unlikely that I'd be able to do that within Colorado. I really do want to stay where I am. I love living here. When/if my Chinese daughter comes home, I'll be even more content, and I don't want to get settled just to pull up everyone's roots and move to accommodate a post-doc heaven knows where. I could see doing research administration, or IRB work, as an alternative. I may even like it better than professorhood. Still, my committee was encouraging, saying that one "never knows" when post-docs pop up locally. There's always a chance. Truthfully, though, I don't really care, as long as I'm employable somewhere. I just want to enjoy my family, our cats, our home, and our view of the lake. I could see being happy here until I'm well into my empty-nester years.

Of course, I do have an evil plan to get certain people to move out here. You know who you are!! :)

Everywhere I go, little Chinese girls seem to be there. I took my oldest daughter, Sarah, to a little carnival in town the other night. It was a special treat, as it was just the two of us, and it was evening, with lots of lights on the rides and vendor stalls. Sarah and I had just gotten settled in our seats for a ride called "The Tornado," when a little girl with beautiful skin and long black hair merrily asked, "May I join you?" I smiled, and said, "Of course!" Her father (a Caucasian man), watched from outside of the ride, grinning as he saw his little girl laughing with us. My daughter and this friendly little girl cackled madly as they turned the center wheel of our car, making it spin faster and faster. I thought about how I hoped to bring home my own daughter, whom I hoped would join us not just for a twirly ride or two, but forever. Sarah was having a blast with a playmate who was just as keen on making herself dizzy. (I was also conscious of my own staring, as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Makes me feel like a stalker mom or something! At least I refrained from crying.) By the way, don't eat anything before riding "The Tornado." It's rather reminiscent of the teacup ride at Disneyland.

Anyway, the last several times I've left the house, I've seen Asian girls with their adoptive parents. It's like being pregnant in some ways - you notice everyone else who is pregnant, too, and it seems that the number of pregnant people has suddenly risen dramatically! I'm sure I'm just "tuned in," as I would be if I were expecting a biological baby.

We enjoyed the rest of our evening, and rode the giant ferris wheel up for a beautiful view of our town. Sarah took two turns on the giant rotating swings, and eventually resigned herself to the fact that I wasn't willing to spend lots of money on carnival games to win a cheap prize. As a consolation, we brought home some funnel cakes to share, and went to bed tired but happy.

I admit I really wanted to have one more daughter to tuck into her bed.

I keep fish. Recently, I decided to convert a tank I had been using for tropicals into a colder water tank for goldfish. My oldest daughter came with me to the pet store to pick out the new fish, and she asked me where goldfish came from. I said, "Well, originally, goldfish were bred in China." She said, "Is that why you want them? 'Cause they're from China?"

I was a little surprised, but then smiled, and said, "No, sweetie - I want them because they're beautiful, and I'll enjoy taking care of them and having them as part of our family." I hope I answered what may have been a loaded question with an equally loaded reply. :) I know I talk about my desire for a daughter from China a lot on this blog, and I talk about it a lot at home, too - but the daughters I already have are so very dear to me. They are the best part of my life. (Which is why I want another one!)

Oh - and there was a little girl at the pet store with her mom. She looked like she was probably adopted from China, and I was trying not to appear like a horrible, rude, stalker kind of person. I think it's presumptuous to assume that people want to talk about their family-making adventures with strangers. (For one thing, I don't want my girls to stop, point, and say, "Hey, Mom - look! A kid from China!" I want to set a good example of how to treat people in public. And everywhere else, for that matter.) But she was so adorable, and I couldn't help smiling and watching her out of the corner of my eye.