Recently, there was a post on APC asking for advice on how to convince a reluctant husband to adopt. Apparently, the husband in question worries about having children that are not "his own." This naturally prompted a discussion about adoption-friendly language. However, I admit that when I was new to the adoption process, I probably dropped a few "our owns" without realizing it. When I became educated about adoption language, I understood perfectly why using "our own" in reference to biological children was a problem! (I've certainly had my feathers ruffled more than once since David adopted my first daughter, when people have asked about her "real dad!") I'm glad nobody jumped on me or berated me for my ignorance before, though!

Anyway, here was my contribution to the ongoing discussion:

We are currently paperchasing for a child from China. Adopting is something I've wanted to do for quite some time, for many reasons. My husband was reluctant - not because he felt he couldn't love a child that was not his genetic progeny, but because he loves all our children enough that he wanted to be sure that he could handle having three kids in the house instead of two. He adopted my first baby (his stepdaughter), and has been an excellent father for her and for our biological daughter. When all is said and done, my children will have three different fathers biologically, but the same father who loves them so much, and who takes such wonderful care of them.

If you check my blog, I've been blogging for over a year, but we have only recently begun the actual adoption process. It's been really valuable for us, in that I've been able to vent and "get it all out," without bugging him about China all the time, and he's been able to log on and read what I've written when he's felt like it.

I made a point of not going to informational meetings by myself, etc. I wanted him to know that I respected his need to explore the adoption option at his own pace. There was no way I was going to force anything on him - after all, what kind of environment would that be for any of my children?

It was wonderful when my husband told me he wanted to adopt a child with me. I must have asked "Are you sure??" about twelve million times, because I wanted him to feel that he could back out if he needed to. Every time, he's confirmed, "Really - this is something I want to do with you." Then, when we went to orientation this past week, it felt so good. I knew we were ready, and that we were both happy about the decision.

Yes, it was rough when we weren't on the same page all the time. We are very close, and like to feel that we are working towards similar goals. There were times that conversations didn't go anywhere, so we simply had to stop and come back to it later, when the emotion on both sides had abated.

I plunged myself into doing original research on speech and language development in Asian adoptees (I'm a doctoral student), figuring I could at least interact with the children that way, even if I wouldn't be bringing my own child home. I sponsored children through Half the Sky Foundation. I read lots of books, and surfed the net for information on adoption. The time was valuable to both of us when it came to overall preparation. I never counted on somehow convincing my husband that three children was a good idea, and decided to find outlets for the hope if it couldn't come to fruition in adoption.

Knowing that we're on our way to bring our child home is incredibly wonderful. But, just as precious was my husband saying "Thank you for being patient with me." I was able to say, "Of course. Thank you for being patient with ME!" And we both know that we love each other and can work through anything. We're partners. I want it to always be that way. (And we're both relieved that we've made a decision - the nebulousness of indecision is much harder on both of us!)

Paperchasing is actually relaxing now - we've been meditating for a year beforehand, and will have plenty of meditation time as we wait for a referral!

Best wishes and luck to you and your family. I hope you take the time you need to make sure you and your husband are both ready and happy to adopt. (And if you don't adopt, I hope you can come to an agreement as to why that is the best decision for you).

Well, orientation was nice, in that I was able to visit the main office for CCAI, which I hadn't done before. They have a gorgeous setup there, and the JCCC is wonderful (takes the entire lower level of the building). Lily Nie (co-founder of CCAI) spoke first, followed by folks from various departments (applications, dossier, homestudy). The woman from the dossier department was very patient with everyone's weird, only-applies-to-me questions: "So, if I was born in Zimbabwe, and I'm self-employed, and have had five name changes, and plan to move a few times before the home study is complete, what do I need to do?" There was also a recently returned family who came with their little baby girl, to ooh and aah everyone with their sweet little one and stories about their travel experience.

Since Saturday, I've mailed in our I-600A to the USCIS, applied for my passport, requested certified copies of our birth and marriage certificates, applied for Colorado Bureau of Investigation records checks for both of us, requested employer income verification letters, scheduled our physical exams, obtained lab sheets so our urine and bloodwork can be done ahead of time, and created our adoption petition for the dossier. (Basically, what they've recommended we do within the first 5 weeks or so, I've taken care of in two days. Yikes!) I'll have our financial statement done by the end of the day. My husband has laughed good-naturedly at me about this, "Um, wow. You're organized!" I'm only organized on some things, though (the house could use some help and a good scrub/vacuum, but fortunately housecleaning doesn't involve two governments and a lot of bureaucracy). He's going in for his passport today over lunch.

And hey - we get to look for mail from the Department of Homeland Security, and have it be a GOOD thing!

I also have this thing called "teaching" at the university that I need to get my rear in gear for ASAP - classes start on the 28th! Sure, I know what I'm doing! (We think...)

Now, if our social worker would just call, we could get the home study underway! (Home study report: obsessive compulsive woman and her patient husband wish to adopt a child... hmm)

Well, I received word today that we are APPROVED by CCAI to proceed with adopting a child from China. Now we just have to get approved by a whole bunch of other folks in government positions. :) We attend CCAI's orientation on Saturday. YAAY!

I don't want this to turn into a forum for mere news flash updates on the adoption process, though, without including some of the more emotional aspects as I go along. I have to say that the scope of what we're doing has really hit me recently. We are preparing to go to the other side of the world (THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!) to find our daughter (DAUGHTER!) and add another member (ANOTHER MEMBER!) to the family. I think of the numbers of people and events that conspire to make that possible, and it's mind-boggling. I also think about how, without really good reason, applying to adopt kind of made me nervous. Like they'd find out I wasn't a good candidate for motherhood, after all. (Sorry, kids, the professional parent-evaluators have found that your loving mother of more than nine years is actually unworthy of her position. We have posted an ad on monster.com hoping for some better motherly resumes). I know it's ridiculous, because I do think I'm a good person, but it's always been hard for me to be under the microscope. I want the spotlight to be on other people, and to cling to the half-dim sides of their warm circle. I want to be there when they need me, without being in anybody's face. Like a good waiter that is somehow instantly present with exactly what is needed, but is not annoying you every other minute. On the other hand, I admit to enjoying the warm fuzzies when they do come, and appreciating being appreciated and loved.

I have a bunch of pictures, and I may post a few here, of a big road trip that we all took recently to Oregon, Canada, Yellowstone and environs. (See! We take our wonderfully behaved children on educational tours of beautiful places! Good mother stuff! Put it in the home study!) Truly, we really did have a terrific time together, and got to see lots of extended family along the way. And we all survived a LOT of hours in the car together. (We actually came up with a system for our three-year-old, whereby, rather than her spontaneously shrieking - her favored way of relieving boredom in the car - and making whichever parent was driving hit the roof of the car, she would ask to "scream out the window, please, Mommy," and Mommy would comply by lowering a window for the offending high-decibel bursts to escape. This provided everyone with warning, at least, and some of that sound really did go out the window. Towards the last 8 hours of the trip, Mommy screamed out the window, too, which greatly amused the three-year-old in question).

I need to go to bed now, so I can be awake tomorrow as I compile the copies of this and that and the other that they want us to bring along to orientation this weekend.

I'm mailing our application to adopt in to CCAI tomorrow! We have our references lined up and working on their forms, and the application is typed and ready to go!

I know it's been a long road to get to this point, but I'm so glad we took the time to make sure everyone feels comfortable and happy with the decision to adopt. The whole process is long and bureaucratic, and more than a little daunting, but I have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm glad that so much investigation and certification is required when it comes to the children's well being; it's just hard to work through it all and realize that the invasion of privacy is actually for everyone's own good.

It's so nice to actually be moving on this adoption. I know that progress has been made for some time now, at least when it comes to overall readiness, and it was worth the wait. Now we can proceed without a lot of baggage, and can feel that we're going in with eyes wide open. We've read the fairy tales and the horror stories. There's plenty of joy and plenty of grief out there. We're trying to make sure we plan as much as we can to make things conducive to the best outcome possible, but realize that there are aspects that just can't be planned.

And I'm obsessing much less now that we have some direction. I don't have a cloud of obscurity hanging over me anymore. I am always able to deal with a known situation much better than an unknown one. And while I could have dealt with it if this adoption was not meant to happen, that we are actually going ahead with it feels GREAT!

Little one, we're coming for you!!