I've been discovering the unique variety of insanity that only adoption can induce. Never before have I had to wonder about my child in quite this way; of course, with pregnancies, you know EXACTLY where your child is, and pretty much when they'll be arriving. Your body may not always cooperate with you, but you don't have to worry about a committee (or worse, a government or two) approving your ability to parent. Generally, pregnancy due dates do not have a two to three month standard deviation. Hey, China? Are we there yet?

This child will require a kind of nurturing I haven't really done before. Newborns pretty much eat, sleep, and poop. None of these things occur on a convenient schedule, but at least they're predictably basic - they're either hungry, tired or wet. You ramp up towards the harder stuff, wondering at times whether your toddler will make it to school age with all the adventures they get themselves into, and you begin to realize that a real live person with a unique set of attributes and personality traits is coming into being. Language and motor skills and play and growth just sort of happen. You feed 'em, they grow. You read to 'em, they learn. You smile at them, they smile back. They get progressively more interesting as conversational partners. I realize this is an oversimplification of child rearing, but it really does feel different to realize that the daughter I so want to bring home will already have a personality, personal preferences, likes and dislikes. I will be getting to know a new little stranger. I suppose all children are little strangers when they first arrive; they just usually reveal themselves more slowly. I've never been so afraid of not being liked or loved by my children. I look at Zitao's picture, and think, "You can be whoever you want to be. I'll love you anyway." I wonder if I'll be afforded the same allowances. I wonder if I'm the Mommy she wanted all along. I wonder if she'll even know what she wants. I realize that I may be the hated disturber of her world for a while. That will be hard.

I've been trying so hard to learn Mandarin Chinese, and I feel inadequate. At least I have the important stuff down - to keep her safe and tell her she's loved in her native tongue. There are so many things about Chinese culture that I will never really know; I'll never really be "adequate" in that sense. I'm relying on the village to help with cultural education. I find myself agonizing over what to bring to her in China. What toy would be the best one to bring to Gotcha Day (does it really matter)? A teddy bear? A doll? Are MaMa and BaBa, JieJie and MeiMei enough? Will she cry that day? Will she rage against us right away, kicking and screaming, or wait until she's in bed in America and bury her sobs in her pillow? And then I realize that I already have both a kicker/screamer, and a quiet in-the-pillow griever - I am an Experienced Mommy and can deal with anything! (Sure....) I wish I knew about all her quirks, about all the tricky things Mommies use with the children they've always known. Which words will soothe, which stuffed bunny is best for snuggling, which flavor of yogurt is the only one that is even slightly edible. Knowing what "red glumps" are. (That's a story for another day). Having some clue what is meant when a child is tantruming about "THAAAT thiiiing!!!" To make a stupid graduate school analogy, I really wish there were a good review article out there on my new daughter. Something to cover the essentials, and give me some directions for further research.

So here I am, treading water in a sea of red tape, wondering when my next daughter will actually come into view. My other girls are in their beds, safe and happy, waiting for the morning to come. And I'm awake, wishing I could magically bring my third baby home right now. I want to hold her and rock her like I did with my first babies when they came home with me. I want her to know that whoever she is on the inside, whoever I'll be getting to know: she is enough. She is lovely. She is my daughter.

I finally got a care package for Zitao on its way to China today. It was hard to write a letter that said everything I wanted to say to this little girl. How do you begin? "Hi! You don't know us, but we're your new parents! We're about to change your life in inconceivable ways!" So I told her how happy we are to be adopting her, and told her about our family, and where we live, and how her sisters can't wait to meet her. I told her how much she is wanted, and that we hope she will be happy in our family. And I sent goodies for her and for her friends - a small blanket, a teddy bear, stickers, candy, plastic bracelets, and hair accessories. I also sent a disposable camera, hoping that Zitao's caregivers will take some nice shots of her with her foster family and friends. (I have more fun items for another care package, which we'll send in a month or so).

Well, I drove the package over to the local FedEx place, and was filling out the customs forms, etc. for the fellows behind the counter. (By the way - fellow adoptive parents, you CAN check a box on the forms to make sure that the recipient of the package is not made to pay a fee upon receipt, and the duties and taxes will be billed to you instead. And if you have a FedEx account, you get a discount on the shipping overall. I can't tell you how handy that account has been while paperchasing and sending important documents all over the country). Anyway, as I was filling out a list of the contents of the package, one of the FedEx employees (an Asian man, maybe in his early twenties at most) looked at the list. "Cool!" he said, "If I were a kid in China, I'd love to get this!" He paused, looked at me, and quietly asked, "Is this for someone who is being adopted?" I smiled and said, "Yes, this is for my daughter. We'll be traveling to get her soon." He replied, "That's awesome. My parents sent me a package before they came to adopt me, too." He quickly added, "I'm not from China, though." He went on talking about how great he thought it was, and I could tell I had made his day.

He made mine, too.

WOOO HOOOO! Our I 171-H is here!

We have an awesome mailman. He's been aware of my recent mail obsession, and as I came down the steps again today, not daring to hope for that magic envelope from Homeland Security, he said, "Hey, Amy! I bet this is what you're looking for!" He had it on top of a stack of mail, and handed it right to me. I smiled big as I saw it, told him what it was, and he said, "Well, I noticed the passports and things a while ago... and I thought you might be on your way to someone! So you're gonna fly soon?"

And I said, "They'll have to tie me down to keep me on the ground!"

I thanked him, ran inside, and let out a whoop and a holler! My nine-year-old asked, "What's up, Mom?" And I said, "We've been approved by immigration to bring your sister home! We get to go to China soon!" Sarah cheered. My three-year-old Gennie was eating applesauce at the kitchen table, and she happily piped in, "I want to go to China TOO! Yay!" Then she paused with a more serious look, and said, "I need more applesauce!"

So... do they have applesauce in China? Inquiring young minds want to know... ;) (Fortunately, she's really not a picky eater!)

We're on our way, Zitao! Just need China to review our dossier, now!

Here are my girls, soon to become a trio, in the first snow of the season. My oldest, Sarah, is a gentle soul and has been my dearest companion for even longer than my husband, who joined us shortly after Sarah turned 4. She is creative and compassionate, and a nine-year-old Da Vinci with her keen interests in the arts and sciences (not to mention her way of making very interesting objects out of paper towel rolls, clay, construction paper and tape; surely Da Vinci's mother got tired of stepping on this kind of thing, too). But Da Vinci never had Legos... the modern caltrop. David legally adopted her last summer in a step-parent adoption, on the day before my birthday (a very lovely birthday present from the state of Colorado).

Genevieve, my youngest, I will describe as being exuberantly three years old. I'm trying to remember whether Sarah was ever so rebelliously energetic and demanding; I'm thinking not. On the other hand, there's nothing quite like being tackled by a preschooler who is very intent upon hugging you as thoroughly as possible. To put a positive spin on her three-ness, she is very good at making us very present in the moment, and very good at making us grateful for laughter and for quiet warmth. (She makes sure we get our dose of screaming, loud, and wet on a regular basis.) But who could resist nuzzling those pink cheeks? Not me. And when she does settle for more than an instant, how lovely to be engaged with her in a book or a song.

One benefit of having children is that when it snows, they are ecstatic and want to get right out in it. Being adult in the snow tends to involve shovels or accidentally sliding cars or knocking tree branches with brooms. Having children reminds you of days off of school to make snow angels and snow people (and Sarah makes sure to include snow kitties, too) and snow forts and snow ball fights, and bringing out the sleds and toboggans and good ol' garbage bags to slide on. In other words, they remind you of why life is good.

Of course, we only had an inch or two (not nearly enough for the best fun), but the season is just getting started.

And soon, we'll have one more snow angel in the mix!

(I'm impatiently waiting for the USCIS angel to visit, first, and leave a special form under my pillow while I sleep.)

Here's a "Before and After" transformation for you! We're not sure when the first picture was taken, but we know it was prior to Zitao being placed in her foster family.

We are so grateful that she has been taken care of for these last few years by people who so obviously care about her well being. The transformation is apparent in everything from her hair to her smile. Zitao will know how to attach, how to be part of a family, and will probably have a much easier time transitioning because of a positive foster care experience. We plan to send her foster family regular updates on Zitao once she comes home.

There are families who decide not to update Chinese foster families on their children after adoption. I think this is incredibly sad. I imagine how these foster parents must feel after caring for a child, in many cases for several years, and then never hearing about them again post-adoption. I would ask adoptive families to consider the contribution these foster parents made to your children's lives, and to send updates and pictures often.

Zitao's place in the foster village will be taken by another child once she's home with us; it's nice to think that another child will receive this foster family's care and attention.

We've been having a lot of fun preparing the house for Zitao's arrival, and Sarah is excited to share her room (we've had the bunkbeds in place for well over a year now)! We have soft new blankets and pillows, open shelf and dresser space for books and new clothes, a new warm winter coat, and lots of love waiting for Zitao's arrival.

Now, if USCIS would just send us the form we need this week, we'll REALLY be on our way to this little girl!

Or is this my daughter???

I found this picture online, in a group of photos that was taken by another adoptive family who visited the Hefei CWI in February of 2001. Zitao would have been about 9 months old.

I keep thinking that the baby in the picture really has Zitao's features, just with more baby fat! And I've been looking at Zitao's face a lot lately... the shape of her face has become very familiar!

I'm hoping that when we visit Hefei, that the orphanage director might have some additional photos that we can compare to, or might at least be able to verify whether this is Zitao. It would be wonderful to have some actual baby pictures!

When you want to adopt a child from a waiting list, you have to submit what is called a "letter of intent." What people don't tell you is how you write down your heart, give it wings, and hope that China won't break it.

Our hearts are currently on their way to China, in an envelope from Heritage Adoption Services.

We've been assured that China will be pleased to approve us as parents for Zitao. We trust our agency, and believe all will be well. We just look forward to hearing the magic words, that our match has been blessed, and that we will be on our way to our daughter soon.

There's a Chinese proverb that I read recently: "Keep a green bough in your heart, and the singing bird will come." My heart's been singing lately.

I heard from the other family that was considering Zitao before, and they are lovely people and sent us their congratulations. I wish them peace and happiness. So many mother's hearts - biological, foster, adoptive - hold hope for this little girl. I feel so lucky that I will get to hold her the longest.

Zitao is a very wanted child - I hope she can feel that from so many miles away.

(By the way, we have picked out a new name for Zitao - we intend to keep Zitao as her middle name - but we're going to keep it under wraps for a while. Have to have a few fun surprises for later!)