Social worker types sometimes hammer on about infertile couples' need to grieve and accept the loss of not being able to produce biological young. What about the need to grieve a *change* in one's ability to produce biological young?

Dave came through his vasectomy just fine, with very little pain (according to him). I went in yesterday to be evaluated for my bleeding problems; my IUD was removed, and I am a candidate for endometrial ablation (or hysterectomy, if it comes to that). I'm taking iron to recover from anemia. With all of this taken together, one comes to the obvious conclusion that Dave and I won't be having any more biological children.

Here's what I find weird. We didn't want to have more biological children anyway. I really, really, want this adoption. I would (and did) choose adoption over having another biological child. We could have had more biological babies if we really wanted to, I'd imagine. My heart has been drawn for a long time towards adoption, well before Genevieve was even conceived. Still, there's a part of me that feels sad. Or even annoyed - I suppose I don't want to add our reproductive histories to the list of questions I end up fielding from nosy strangers at the grocery store.

I think it annoys me because I'm already fielding those questions. I've had questions (for example, from a notary who was signing one of our adoption docs) about whether Sarah and Genevieve are my "real" daughters. I see this as essentially asking whether I'm infertile. I wanted to reply by asking when her last pap smear was, or when she last had sex, since I see those questions as about equally personal. Instead, I said, "Well, all of my daughters are my REAL daughters, adopted or otherwise, but yes - the blondies are homemade." Then I get the follow-up, "Oh, so you're adopting just because you WANT to. Wow, that's such a wonderful thing to do. What a lucky child that you will be taking her in." So now I'm a saint - not really because I'm adopting per se, but because I am capable of being pregnant and choose not to be. (Huh?)

Geez, people! I'm adopting because it's a wonderful way to create a family. Not because I want to save a child, or because pregnancy is impossible for me, or because I am feeling particularly philanthropic. You might as well tell a pregnant person how wonderful they are to be giving that poor little embryo a nice, loving home. It makes about as much sense to me. Children need families, in whatever way that happens. I also find it incredibly insulting to the infertile people who adopt; they're characterized as needy or longing for that child which they "couldn't" bring into the world themselves, while the rest of us must be "really good people." They're not mutually exclusive categories (says the needy, longing mother of two-almost-three who really hopes she's also a good person, but not just because she's adopting).

I felt a little ill after being poked and prodded yesterday. Three-year-old Genevieve, of course, wanted to be HELD. Not just sitting quietly on my lap, mind you, but drapey, heavy, here-let-me-stick-my-elbow-in-the-most-tender-place held. I gave her a big hug and humored her for a little while, before telling her that I needed her to sit next to me instead, because my tummy hurt.

"Your tummy hurt?"
"Yep. I'm okay, though."
"Ohh. Did an aminal hurt you?"
"Huh?"
"Was it... a lion?"
"No, honey."
"A... dinosaur?"
"Nope, no dinosaurs. Just the nurse..."
"Did a tiger get you?"
"No, sweetie. I'm okay. Just a little owie on the inside. I'll be fine."
"Oh." (patting me on the tummy) "It's okay. Don't cry anymore, Mommy."
(I think my tears had welled up trying to hold back the laughter. She was being so cute and sweet, and I didn't want to make fun of her!)

I want another sweet little girl. Oh wait... (says China - or is that "hurry up and wait"...)

Well, speaking of children being warm enough - here's Genevieve in the snow. This would be our driveway (well, the driveway is under there somewhere)! Gennie is only about head and shoulders above it, and there was no snow there 24 hours ago. We have some drifts in the back yard that almost make it to the top of the 6 ft. fence! Everything is shut down here, including the airport. Dave's mom, Jean, was supposed to arrive this evening - so much for that. Even more important to me right now is making sure Sarah can come home from a visit to her biological grandparents in Salt Lake City; her flight is supposed to arrive tomorrow afternoon. Since DIA isn't expected to open until after noon, that's cutting it a bit close for comfort. Of course, there's the other issue of actually *getting* to the airport at all! Even if we could get out of our driveway, I doubt we'd get very far. I need my baby home for Christmas! If I can't have my 3 girls home, at least the two stateside daughters home for Christmas would be nice! When Eleanor Zitao does come, it's apparent that the hat, scarf, and mittens will come in handy! (Gen decided she needed more warmth, too - and came inside shortly after taking this shot).

Our agency representative from Heritage is currently touring China with her husband and two daughters. Her youngest daughter was adopted in 1996 from the same orphanage that Zitao lives in now, and they've been spending the month in China exploring the country and where she spent the first several years of her life. They visited the orphanage on Monday, and had a chance to visit Zitao and give her a package from us.

Today, these pictures of Zitao wearing the hat, mittens, and scarf we sent arrived in my e-mail box! It's the best possible gift I could have received this Christmas! (Of course, it looks sunny and beautiful, but I've been checking the weather, and it's been below freezing pretty regularly in Hefei, only in the 30's right now, so they'll probably be put to good use! And I'm pretty sure it's a lot moister there, so a given temperature reading probably feels colder... wow, I'm one of "those" moms who obsesses over whether her babies are warm enough!) So, I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks. It's really, really good to see her face, know she's doing well for now, and see that she's actually received the things we sent, and that she knows we're coming soon! I didn't realize how much I needed to see her, until the pictures arrived today.

I'm such a lucky mommy. I can't wait to bring her home.

And I'm really digging the leather biker pants look!

Our agency, Heritage Adoption Services, recently received a new list of waiting children from the CCAA. They are all so beautiful, and just the sweetest looking babes you've ever seen. I almost (almost!) want to bring home two. Unfortunately, China won't let us bring home two at a time. And we really think we're done adding to our family, anyway!

Still, I REALLY REALLY want to see these children find homes, so if you're considering adopting, know that we've loved Heritage as an agency, and know that these children are the cutest little peanuts I've seen in a while on any list. And many of them have very managable special needs.

Heritage has a Yahoo Group you need to join to see the children. It's at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/haswcc/

Then you can join me across the miles in looking at their pictures and saying, "OH!!! What a sweetie!" They really are. There's a little boy with atresia and microtia who would benefit SO MUCH from audiological intervention right now. He's still very young, and NOW is the perfect time to bring him home, and get some amplification on him... maybe a cochlear implant, too! I really want to see him come home to a family! Maybe his family is YOU!

And Santa wishes she were feeling more prepared!

Santa did manage to get most of her Christmas cards out today, and copied off the final exam for her undergraduate class so she wouldn't have to do it tomorrow morning.

Santa really wants to be somewhere other than the university on a Saturday morning. Santa is tired of reading teaching pedagogy, and really wants to read stuff she doesn't HAVE to read. Santa spoke with her advisor about that teaching pedagogy, and that Santa plans to write some reading reactions before next week; Santa's advisor suggested taking an "incomplete" grade, and worrying about it later. Santa reminded her advisor that it already WAS an incomplete because we decided not to worry about it a few months ago, and that while we have until next May, we had agreed awhile ago that we both wanted to get it done. And you can't have an Incomplete Incomplete grade, anyway. Santa wants a tropical vacation. Santa is REALLY glad she'll be done for the semester next week! (And Santa expects to be in a better mood by then, too!)

The SLHS department is having their party tonight, Santa is staying home because she's dead tired and has a lot of things to finish up (like that darn incomplete incomplete teaching pedagogy). Santa's feeling a little grinchy that way, I guess. Audiologists and SLP's can really party when they want to, though.

I took some pictures of the girls in front of our Christmas tree last night; this was my favorite of the bunch. (Dave came in and read my post, and asked whether that makes him "Santo" or just "San"). Santa's partner makes bad jokes. But Santa loves him anyway.

Santa wants to stay home for a while and enjoy her family!!

Warning: Prudes, squeamish people, and/or people who prefer to deny the existence of their own reproductive organs may not wish to read on. This is my blog, and what's going on for me right now, so I'm posting anyway.

I've been feeling tired and irritable and out of it lately. Apparently, anemia can do this to a person. Here I thought it was pursuing two doctorates, mothering two children, pursuing an international adoption, and teaching part time that was making me tired, wink wink. Actually, I've rather suspected my tendency towards anemia for some time now (read: years), but I've chosen to ignore that since massive bleeding has been the only way for me to avoid hormonal birth control until now. A lot of people who adopt have infertility issues. I've never had this problem, but I have had issues with finding a way to PREVENT pregnancy that hasn't involved making me crazy (which hormonal methods do), giving me allergic reactions in bad places (we'll leave that one alone), or making me hemorrhage every month. Since having a copper IUD placed after Gennie's birth, it's been the last of these options. And yes, I'm tired, but I still prefer fatigue to feeling dull, or moody, or weepy, or crazy, or... um... itchy. And I prefer any of the above to being pregnant, which involves my being crazy AND in constant pain. (I never worried about childbirth - that was the easiest part!) Today I finally dragged myself in to get a blood count, and the doc said, "Yep, you're absolutely right, you're anemic, take more iron, and you should get the IUD removed pronto." I knew I'd hear that once I actually bothered to get checked out. So much for choosing the lesser evil.

The good news is that Dave is stepping up and doing the manly thing (which he's actually been volunteering to do for some time now, except that I haven't been ready to do anything so drastic and permanent until now). I did have to suppress a laugh when the urologist called and was giving me the list of preparations for Dave's surgery, which included, "Buy three bags of frozen peas..." Suffice it to say that I don't think these peas will be seeing a dinner plate anytime in the future.

I will probably be getting the IUD removed as late as possible before bleeding again, and then will be pursuing endometrial ablation to end the bleeding altogether. By the time we go to China, we probably WILL be an infertile couple seeking to adopt. An infertile couple by choice, and thrilled about it! Well, mostly thrilled. There's something about closing that door that makes me sad, too. Not because I want to birth more babies, but because I know I CAN'T anymore. It's hard to know that memories will be the only way I can revisit that chapter of my life.

Zitao coming home makes the whole thing much more bearable. I know that she is just as much my daughter as my biological daughters are, and it's wonderful that she needs a family and we want to bring her home. It all works so well, everybody benefits, and I'm having the best "pregnancy" of my life right now! :) And I'm just as impatient to get it over with already - I want to see her so much! My baby girl is waiting for me - hurry it up, China!

A wonderful family who traveled to Hefei this summer to adopt their son sent me their video of the Hefei CWI. I was so grateful, as I've been so hungry for more information. It's a wonderful video that includes a tour of the orphanage, of Sunbeam Village (where Eleanor Zitao lives now), and has terrific footage of the children from the infant rooms all the way up to the school for the older children. The orphanage created a memory book for the child who was being adopted in the video, and I hope they do the same for us. I was thrilled to see that this little boy had a scrapbook made for him, that included his baby footprints, pictures, and reflections from the nannies. It's very apparent that the orphanage staff care very much about their little charges. And I am so glad that Eleanor Zitao will have this video of her first home as a keepsake. It's incredibly precious. Part of this video I've linked to before - but Eleanor Zitao is NOT the girl in the pink dress I saw before (although, it is the same dress that Eleanor wears in some of her photos)! It took seeing the film in better resolution to tell who was who.


I've clipped the portions that have Eleanor Zitao in them - and have posted them here. She is not the first child you see; rather, she is the little girl in the yellow shirt and pigtails who comes up to the interpreter in the white shirt, then bounces away. You see her again as she plays with the girl in the yellow dress, she then gets up, giggles, and goes offscreen. She's wearing the same outfit as she goes down the hall later, behind some of the other children, holding the hand of a smaller child. I have to say that I like the beaded necklace, too - since I know a certain soon-to-be sister of Eleanor's who never takes her necklace off!

Some of this is just end-of-the-semester blues, which always happens when things are high stress at this time. So much to finish up, and yet the brain and body are unwilling.

I put up the Christmas decorations last weekend, and I'm feeling the hole where Eleanor Zitao should be. My grandmother (and now, my mother) have been making our family Christmas stockings since long before I could remember. My mother has made one for each child as they've joined the family. We don't have one for Eleanor. Yet. It just feels like she ought to have one there. I also bought etched glass ornaments for our tree with names and birthdates for each of the girls, including Eleanor Zitao. I'm both perplexed and saddened, because the cloth pouch that held Eleanor's ornament somehow went missing. I kept all three together, and had checked them all when they first came (and they're lovely), but Eleanor's got up and walked away somehow. I've been looking for it for a couple of weeks now, and it's really strange.

To complete my pity party, there aren't any updates from China forthcoming. I'm not expecting anything that way, just hoping... but I really need to hear something. Anything. I don't mean travel approval - that's some time off - but just an update to say, "She's growing, she's feeling healthy, she's doing xyz in school...." And a new picture. Several families have tried to get one for me while they visited the Hefei CWI, but she's in school during the day on weekdays, and unavailable for pictures during that time. The last measurements we have for her were from January. I'm thinking that surely the CCAA could at least update that and send it to Heritage for us, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm trying to keep things active and upbeat, but it's a struggle right now. I took the girls to see "Happy Feet" last night (their Dad is out of town until later tonight, so it was a girls' night out). They were so good. Genevieve has been so sweet lately, and has exclaimed on several occasions in the sweetest voice possible, "I DO like Christmas decorations, Mommy. Look at the pretty lights! I DO like our Christmas house." Sarah has been busying herself with making things out of paper, and has seemed a little down to me lately, too (she claims to be tired, which I believe) - so I've been trying to spend more time with her and have had several giggle sessions with Sarah after Gen was put to bed. I think the wintertime lack of daylight doesn't help - we're probably down and tired in part because of being in the dark such a greater proportion of the time.

I'm not doing well at being patient. I'd do much better if there were something I could latch onto, but there's just not. I remember renting a doppler unit so I could listen to Gennie's heartbeat before she was born. Whenever I felt worried or wistful, I just whipped out the doppler and listened to her. It was nice to have the reassurance that she was there, growing, and that more than likely everything was fine. Once she started kicking me in the ribs, I sent the doppler back! :)

I'm sure this adoption will get to the "kicking me in the ribs" stage soon enough - but for now, I need some signs of life!!

I like asking 3-year-old Genevieve what her name is. "I'm a GENNIEBEAN!" she proudly proclaims. I would qualify that further by saying she's full of beans. Sometimes, she actually tries to say "Genevieve," but it comes out more like "Genabeeb," which is also cute (the alphabet apparently has TWO letter B's in it, in the world according to Gen). I think Genabeeb should have a heavy Indian accent.

I've really been debating bringing Genevieve along. The side of me that just wants to be practical, and get us into China and out of China with the least amount of potential grief, is telling me to leave her with Grandma Joanne for a couple of weeks. The side of me that wants our whole family to be present for the addition of a new member to the family really wants her to be there. We've applied for her passport, so we can decide either way when we're closer to the date.

So, here are the pros and cons, as far as I can figure, for bringing Miss Gennie along.

Pro: I don't miss my baby Gennie for two weeks straight. I'm selfish, so that matters.
Con: I get a break from 3-year-old Gennie for two weeks straight. I'm selfish, so that matters.

Pro: The whole family meets and welcomes Eleanor Zitao, and we become a larger family TOGETHER.
Con: The whole family meets Eleanor Zitao, and we have to police the whole, entire, big ol' family together.

Pro: Sometimes having another child around really brings out the best in Genevieve. She LOVES having other kids over.
Con: There's no guarantee these kids will actually like each other.

Pro: Gen did quite well on our REALLY long car trip to Canada earlier this year.
Con: You can't stop and see Yellowstone when you're spending 15 hours on a plane. On the other hand, you can't move about the cabin when you're in a car. On the other hand, having 'em strapped into a confined space can be good, too.

Pro: How fun to visit another country with the whole family.
Con: How fun to have a smaller risk of public tantrums.

Pro: I think it's very important for Sarah and Genevieve to REALLY have an idea of where Eleanor came from.
Con: Where Eleanor came from will be very foreign to them, hopefully not in ways that are scary.

Pro: Having everyone come together at the same time means we all start the adjustment together at the same time, and we're in it together.
Con: Having everyone come together is a lot of adjustment going on at the same time, so hopefully it's not too rocky.

Pro: I really think Eleanor will be more at Genevieve's level than Sarah's level for play and social activity. I think they could be very comforting to each other. There's a chance that they could be each others' best friend and guide.
Con: Sometimes peers can make each other (and their parents) batty. Genevieve has a lot of energy and independent will that, at the wrong time of day, can make her a stubborn monster. Which leads to....

Pro: Eleanor will get to see how discipline works in our family from the very beginning. You get a choice about how to behave, and then you live with the consequences of that choice. Sarah can demonstrate the benefits of making the right choice most of the time. (Such an easy kid!)
Con: Having to discipline kids while on a trip to China takes work.

On the more positive side, Pro: Eleanor will see we're not strange, terrible people, and that we love our daughters very, very much. She might be encouraged that we've done this parenting thing before.
Con: Hopefully we won't be so stressed that she has questions about this. :)

Pro: It's a once in a lifetime trip for a kid. (Well, at least a once in a childhood trip).
Con: It's a once in a lifetime budget-breaker for a parent. (Tain't cheap!)

Right now, I'm leaning towards taking everyone to China. Our understanding is that the guides in China are wonderful, that we don't HAVE to go on tours or shopping excursions if everyone wants to just camp out in the hotel room or run around the park, and that it really would be wonderful to have the whole family meet Eleanor when we go. Sarah was present for Genevieve's birth, and it was wonderful to be together for that. I want both of my girls to be present for Eleanor joining our family, too.

I think it shows a certain respect to bring other family members along - that you aren't just there to whisk the kid out of China and get her the heck back to the U.S. Eleanor's birth country matters, and we respect her origins. I want our family to remember how special this event really is. To realize how special each one of my girls is. And how special they could be together, when they decide to be sisters.