David and I braved the icy roads at 7 a.m. this morning to get to Centennial for another one of CCAI's 4-hour parent training sessions. The topic was grief and loss in adoption, and how to talk to your child about adoption. The class was okay, but didn't really address anything we hadn't already thought about and/or prepared for (as best we can, anyway).

I didn't bring this up during the class, but one question I dread from Eleanor is, "Why wasn't I adopted sooner?" I can say "I don't know," and be essentially truthful, since I don't have a concrete idea of when her paperwork was first submitted to the CCAA to make her available for international adoption. That answer just doesn't seem good enough, though, when she's been in an orphanage since May of 2000.

I can tell her our side of the story, and say that China's rules meant we weren't allowed to adopt her until I turned 30, and that we knew we wanted a special 6-year-old girl like her. I don't want to fault her country, though. China is looking for well-qualified parents, which is far from trying to keep children away from families. I grieve for the time she has lost in not having a family. And in some ways, I'm mama-bear angry that somebody didn't just scoop her up, adopt her, and take care of her in the best way from the very beginning - a somewhat paradoxical emotion, since I'm thrilled and thankful that I have the chance to adopt her now. I'm so glad she'll be MY daughter. If somebody else had scooped her up, she wouldn't be coming home with us, and that would be a BAD thing in my book! And truly, I believe that her caregivers have done their best, given the resources at hand. I am thankful for the people who have held, fed, and loved her so far. At least she has been cared for by a foster family these past few years, and at least we'll be there to bring her home soon. There's not much point in worrying about a past I can't change.

All I will be able to tell her is that I believe she was meant to be my daughter, and that I came for her as quickly as I could. I will tell her about all the people who have loved her so far, and all the people who I believe loved her, even if we've never met. I hope I can help her heal, by loving her from now on in a way that makes it easier for her to forgive whomever she needs to forgive. It will take time, and that's okay.