This is me telling Gennie for the umpty-scrillionth time to keep her seat belt on in the airplane. "Whiiiiiy?" "Because it keeps you safe." "But I don't WANT toooo!!"

Yep, it was that kind of day. Our flight from Hefei to Guangzhou was delayed by an hour or two (I lost track of time, but it felt long), so we got to spend yippee-skippee fun time in the Hefei airport with three restless children (including one child who had never been on an airplane before, and wasn't so sure about all this).

The cute little Chinese girl who is making the victory sign behind me may be doing so because she's successfully making her mommy feel rejected. I am persona non grata, the one to avoid, Mommyzilla. This despite the fact that I'm the main caregiver - I feed her, bathe her, dress her, brush her hair - and she allows me to do all these things. And she offers me things from time to time, little gifts of candy (which I had given her earlier), or she'll sit in my lap in order to browse pictures on the computer (which she loves). And she'll smile at me - from a distance, and preferably with limited eye contact. I'm the one who knows that she LOVES watermelon and tomatoes, because I'm the one spooning up second helpings at the breakfast buffet. And yet, she does NOT want me to touch her, will not take my hand (anybody's but mine will do - Dave, Di, Sarah, even Gen), and heaven forbid I sit next to her on the bus (she was rather put out when I ended up sitting next to her on the plane, she did her best to avoid it, but Gennie needed the Mommy-help). I realize that this will probably change, and I realize that it will take time, and I realize that one reason she may be avoiding me is because I'm the most affectionate to her, the most present, and the most "real" - and the hardest to face for that reason while she's grieving and scared. Nobody else is quite so attentive or wanting to be close to her, so I suppose I'm demanding in that sense. She is probably trying to avoid the closeness for a while, until she knows it's safe. It still stings in the meantime, and I'm trying to grow a thicker skin.

We essentially spent all day preparing to travel and traveling today, so I'm grumpy and tired tonight - the one and a half hour flight from Hefei to Guangzhou was short, but not short enough with Genevieve screaming for a good part of it about how her seat belt was bad, evil, the devil's torture device (okay, she didn't use those words - in fact, she didn't use many words at all, but everyone on the plane knew how she felt about the seat belt whether or not they spoke English).

Eleanor Zitao quietly cried for a few minutes on the plane; she was scared. And probably realizing that she was *really* leaving her previous home. She turned away from Mommyzilla's repeated "mei guanxi" (It will be okay), and pulled away from my hand on hers. Mommyzilla just wishes she could make it all better.

Hopefully tomorrow will feel brighter.