At left is a picture of my Chinese Visa (for those who are curious). Dave and the girls have their own visas, of course. I blacked out the more personal information. At the bottom is a row of numbers that includes reiterations of my passport number, date of birth, and some code that probably means, "Don't let this woman through customs without checking her for smuggled won tons!" (Thinking about that makes me glad we'll have plenty of verification paperwork for Zitao!)

Anyway, the visa is good until the nearly the end of July - hopefully we won't need it to be good that long! (Some people with other agencies who already sent their acceptance letters in have been getting their travel approvals today. Our letter is supposed to be here anytime now - and it looks like China has been quick with the follow-up in issuing TAs.) Still hoping for early March travel.

I'm such a crazy person today! We had heard from our agency a week and a half ago that we'd probably be receiving our acceptance letter within two weeks - and we're running out of those "two weeks" fast! I know nothing is predictable with the CCAA, but I'm very on edge, hoping it comes soon. I know my worry does absolutely nothing to speed anything along. And I know that our agency would call us if they heard anything, so no point in bothering anybody over there. I've been trying very hard to find other things to distract me, but I'm acting, well... distracted! I'm having problems focusing on anything.

I have to admit that I'm very curious as to what goes on in the CCAA office in China, exactly. Bureaucracy can be unpredictable with only one government involved, so with two big governments running the show, well... one can imagine how interesting things may get. Yet, I can imagine one worker in the CCAA office with a big pile of files on his/her desk, each one representing a hope or dream. Each one representing a child and a family, waiting to come together. The Great and Powerful Oz is actually a human, a human with the power to help us bring our daughter home. And I believe that human is probably a very good person, trying the best they can to help my little girl come home - perhaps that person feels a little overwhelmed at times, or needs a break for a nice cup of tea. I wish the journey to Eleanor Zitao were as simple as thinking good thoughts and clicking my heels together. (I'm really not feeling like doing a lot of university work lately, think maybe I can throw water on it and it'll melt away? Or maybe I can try it on my neuroscience professor? "I'm melting... melting..." Never mind. Back to work I go.)

Well, Monica over at Dumplings, Three decided I needed to lighten up. She's absolutely right! I'm supposed to list 6 things that are weird about me. (Only 6?)

1. I sing Italian arias in the shower. "Il mio bel foco" is a standard. Sometimes I switch to Turandot and "Nessun Dorma," if I'm feeling up to it. Except I forget some of the words and end up la-la-ing the melody instead. My mom warped my brain with Broadway showtunes as a child; occasionally one of those will creep in to the repertoire. I've had a crush on Harry Connick, Jr. since I was in junior high school, so sometimes I sing his music in the shower, too.

2. I get a perverse pleasure out of winning Scrabble when playing my husband (who is very good, and a much nicer player than I am). I like knowing all the weird two-letter combinations, and the few Q words that don't need a U.

3. I'm rather proud that my daughters don't like Barbies or Disney Princesses. I personally have a collection of porcelain dolls representing various strong women of history - Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea, Pearl S. Buck, Marie Curie, Louisa May Alcott, Harriet Tubman, and many others. They stand near my desk like little feminist voodoo dolls. There's not a single Asian woman among them, though, which irks me - and the series went out of production a while ago, so it won't do much good to complain to the historical society that produced them. Anyway, Sarah is hoping to be Medusa (again) this coming Halloween, and we've looked at the Greek myth together. (I think it's a hoot, although tying all those snakes into her hair and spraying it green took ages last time!) Taking Medusa's picture standing next to all her tulle-wrapped, sequined, pink fairy princess classmates is satisfyingly fun, though.

4. I love to garden, but I'm not very good at it. Well, I love the IDEA of gardening, but tend to put off pruning and pulling weeds. I can give you the scientific names of the dead plants, though. :)

5. I have some infrequently practiced, somewhat peculiar talents. I play bassoon, various percussion instruments, and the piano, I can juggle 3 objects, I can twirl "devil sticks," and I can do a pretty good routine with a drill team Tall Flag. Well... I can do most of these after practicing up a little. And don't ask me to wear the short skirt I used to for drill team - my high school figure was a lot better for that! Oh, and I can tie knots in cherry stems with my tongue. At least if the doctorate doesn't work out, I can join the circus. My children find me very entertaining. (That will switch to "embarrassing" once they get a little older.)

6. I find hauling telescopes and optical gear through prickly-pear infested fields in the darkest dark of Nebraskan nowhere to be a fun way to spend a week with my husband. So - we're compatibly weird. :) (We haven't been to the Nebraska Star Party in a couple of years, though - hoping to get back soon!)

Well - that's six. I didn't get to talk about my five cats, my "interesting" crochet projects, my homemade aquarium CO2 production devices, or that I actually enjoy doing minor plumbing and electrical repairs. I'll save those for later, I guess.

David and I braved the icy roads at 7 a.m. this morning to get to Centennial for another one of CCAI's 4-hour parent training sessions. The topic was grief and loss in adoption, and how to talk to your child about adoption. The class was okay, but didn't really address anything we hadn't already thought about and/or prepared for (as best we can, anyway).

I didn't bring this up during the class, but one question I dread from Eleanor is, "Why wasn't I adopted sooner?" I can say "I don't know," and be essentially truthful, since I don't have a concrete idea of when her paperwork was first submitted to the CCAA to make her available for international adoption. That answer just doesn't seem good enough, though, when she's been in an orphanage since May of 2000.

I can tell her our side of the story, and say that China's rules meant we weren't allowed to adopt her until I turned 30, and that we knew we wanted a special 6-year-old girl like her. I don't want to fault her country, though. China is looking for well-qualified parents, which is far from trying to keep children away from families. I grieve for the time she has lost in not having a family. And in some ways, I'm mama-bear angry that somebody didn't just scoop her up, adopt her, and take care of her in the best way from the very beginning - a somewhat paradoxical emotion, since I'm thrilled and thankful that I have the chance to adopt her now. I'm so glad she'll be MY daughter. If somebody else had scooped her up, she wouldn't be coming home with us, and that would be a BAD thing in my book! And truly, I believe that her caregivers have done their best, given the resources at hand. I am thankful for the people who have held, fed, and loved her so far. At least she has been cared for by a foster family these past few years, and at least we'll be there to bring her home soon. There's not much point in worrying about a past I can't change.

All I will be able to tell her is that I believe she was meant to be my daughter, and that I came for her as quickly as I could. I will tell her about all the people who have loved her so far, and all the people who I believe loved her, even if we've never met. I hope I can help her heal, by loving her from now on in a way that makes it easier for her to forgive whomever she needs to forgive. It will take time, and that's okay.

Well-intentioned people ask me almost every day whether we've heard from China yet. I equate this with the common "when are you due again?" question I used to get with both of my pregnancies; usually this would start about two months before I actually gave birth, and served to remind me daily of the uncomfortable wait still ahead. I'm so glad people care about us, and are interested. It's just hard to be reminded so often that Zitao isn't home yet. And this wait is very different - this isn't a matter of a baby not having gestated long enough to be born. I have a very distinct grief over missing it - whatever "it" may be - because Zitao is already here, and has been here, for nearly seven years now. I know her name and her face. She has toys, clothes, and a bed waiting for her at home. Time feels precious.

I know I've been grumpy and restless and tired and impatient. But I'm also intensely grateful that China is trusting us with one of their children, and so ready to bring my daughter home. We are so lucky to be adding to our family this way. I know things won't really be "settled" for a good while - but I'm ready to be done adding members to our family, and at least start the settling process. I want to stop worrying about the adoption itself, and start living life again.

All will be well. I just have to be patient a little while longer. (I'm trying to cheer myself up... maybe it'll work?)

I probably should not blog in the evening after a long day. I'm likely to be grumpy. Then again, since I woke up too early this morning to a poor, miserable little girl, coughing and crying about how icky sick she felt - mornings have their issues for me lately, as well. (Poor baby - she's doing much better tonight).

I believe that the paraventricular nucleus of my hypothalamus is secreting large amounts of cortisol and fos protein (through a complex mechanism that involves transcription, translation, and binding of the newly expressed protein to the DNA in the nucleus of the cells), and if you took a coronal section of my brain, and immunohistologically stained the sample for a particular peptide product that the cell bodies produce in response to stress, you could see the gene expression for these substances change in a matter of minutes due to my entrapment in an environment of mental anguish for two and a half hours every Wednesday. Of course, you all have run into this before, so you don't need me to review the basics, right? AARGH.

In plain speech: I'm stressed out.

Not only that, I'm angry. I'm angry that I am spending time away from my children every Wednesday evening in a class that requires a glossary for every other word, and that as yet has NOT captured my imagination in any way. I hate that I am the only person with children attempting to get a doctorate (let alone two doctorates) in this class. I hate that I can't be excellent at BOTH roles - mother and scholar - without a lot of grief and explaining of priorities. I've missed a bunch of research talks recently because I've needed (and WANTED!) to be at home with my children as much as possible. I try not to think about the possibility that I'm missing out on anything at home because I spend time working and learning, too.

So where are the people doing any REAL good in this class? Does the discovery of the gene expression of hormones help end world hunger? Is my understanding of phosphorylation going to help my children learn to be good, kind citizens of the planet? I spent two and a half hours asking myself what in the world I was doing wasting my time listening to people smugly recount the basics of biochemistry as it relates to neuroscience, as if their stars in heaven were already in the bag because they could use big words with confidence and finesse. I thought about the amount of time these people spend in labs, like the rats they experiment on. I wondered if they knew what they were missing in their family lives. Or even cared.

So why am I even bothering with going to the university at all? Hopefully, I will be able to find that job where I'm making a real, positive difference in the world. But mostly, it's because no way am I ever going to rely on some idiot man to support me and my daughters. (Note: my husband is not an idiot man at all. He is an incredibly wonderful partner, and I am the luckiest woman on the planet to be married to him. However, he is mortal as far as I know, and seems to be an exception to the idiot man rule - who knows if I'd ever be so lucky again if I ever lost him somehow.) So hopefully, if I become over-edumacated enough, I can always be sure of being able to support my daughters myself, and might even be able to donate money and help to the babies who are hungry and not currently benefiting from Wednesday neuroscience lectures in the slightest.

But tonight - I'm just really tired. And I want to go get my daughter. Now would be good.

I sent our visa applications off to our courier today, so she can walk our applications in to the Chinese Consulate in Chicago. It feels quite strange to realize that we are ACTUALLY going. Until I have that TA in my paws, I can't quite think of it in terms of being real. Fortunately, the visas are good for six months, giving us a margin for error, delay, hiccups, and additional bureaucrap (since we're preparing for doom and gloom, it won't happen, right? RIGHT?). Still, I'm very excited that we're close enough to apply for our visas and make some preparations.

I recently bought some Chinese cookbooks from Amazon, hoping to try some recipes and to be able to cook at least some basic Chinese dishes for Zitao when she comes home. I'll never be a Chinese chef, but I want to provide some measure of comfort to her when she comes home, and doesn't recognize anything around her. I can provide some familiar sounds in terms of Mandarin (hopefully she understands me - essentially it's been Beijing speakers I've been learning from), and I can provide some familiar tastes. I'm sure that my versions may end up somewhat "Americanized," but I'm making every attempt at authenticity. I tried to choose cookbooks that had been reviewed by Chinese Americans who wanted to cook like their own Mamas and Babas had while they were growing up, and were pleased with the results. So far, I've tried several recipes from a book called "Chinese Cooking for Beginners" by Su Suei Huang, and the recipes have been nicely simple and quite tasty. The book has instructions in English and Mandarin. Both Sarah and Genevieve have liked the recipes, too - I don't think we'll have any trouble getting them to eat in China if we can find similar food there. As three-year-old Gennie said: "I LIKE 'mayto egg tofu soup!" All righty then! Good to hear! There is supposedly an Asian market in Longmont that I haven't found yet - I'll be checking it out soon.

We heard that our dossier is through the review room, and is now in the matching room (where travel approvals are created and blessed). We also heard that we will be receiving this new "acceptance letter" and that we should expect it within the next two weeks. Once we receive the letter and overnight it back, we will be receiving TA within the next 2-3 weeks. I see this as really good news - I really like that I have more information than "maybe this month, maybe next."

I find it especially good news since the first families who received this letter received their TA's within a week (ONE WEEK - not the estimated 2-3 weeks). So - pessimistic outlook: we have TA in 5 weeks. Optimistic outlook: we have TA in 2 weeks! The six week window of highest probability just got cut in half - and I can relax a little. Either way, I bet we get to travel in March.

Classes started this week at the university, so I have plenty of distractions to keep me from worrying about it!

Now for some new, not so happy news. Our agency hasn't made their official statement yet, but it's all over the message boards, and several agencies have made statements to their adopting families which I've read.

The CCAA may be requiring a new, additional form of all families adopting through the waiting child program. Essentially, it's a confirmation of our acceptance of the referral of this child, similar to what families in the traditional program receive by way of a referral letter (those families have to respond as to whether they wish to accept their referred children - for most it's kind of a "duh, of course" moment!) I don't understand why this is needed, since we signed our letter of intent specifically requesting Zitao, and we've been pre-approved for Zitao, and we're supposed to just be waiting for travel approval for Zitao now. Supposedly, this will help make China's adoption program Hague treaty compliant, which is good - except for the bureaucratic nonsensical aspect. So much for being done with pre-adoption paperwork. At least this form is supposed to come after the rest of our dossier review is finished, which would hopefully mean we'd be very close to receiving our travel approval at that time.

Some have said that the addition of the new form may be because of increased disruptions of adoptions by families while in China (my guess is that some families in the traditional program "jumped ship" to try to get around the wait, and found out that children in the waiting child program actually do have special needs which were beyond what they had prepared themselves for). Of course, disruption is an unimaginably awful thing, especially for the child, who may not then be adopted for months, years, or ever. So if China really needs to hear (again), "Yes, we really do want her. Yes, no matter what issues might be as yet undiagnosed. Yes, even if we're surprised.", I can do that a thousand times over. We committed to her, with all potential unknowns, the same way we have committed to our birth children. If she has additional medical issues that we are unaware of, I see that as one more BIG reason to bring her home ASAP. She is my daughter. How could I ever change my mind?

What is sad about this is that it will likely increase our wait time by at least 2-3 weeks, and some people have been saying the increase will be more like 6-7 weeks. I really hope this isn't the case. So... while I've been worried about traveling before Spring Break at the university (which is the end of March), apparently I should worry more about getting this little girl home before her 7th birthday in May. (I'd BETTER get there by her 7th birthday, or someone will have to peel me off the ceiling before I can travel!)

I was really hoping to get her into kindergarten or first grade for a few months at least this spring, to prepare her for school next fall. While I just have to endure the additional weeks of waiting, she is losing so much more in the delay. Dave is being very zen - saying that the wait is what it is, and we will get there eventually. Apparently I'm in charge of worrying enough for both of us. I'm good at that.

I really hope our agency gets clarification from the CCAA soon, so I don't make myself completely crazy.

And yes, I'm feeling very sad today. And a bit mama-bearish.

I've always liked the New Year holiday, in some ways even more than Christmas. I like getting the Christmas decorations put away, and starting with a fresh slate. I like that the family is together, but that we don't have the presents and commercialism of Christmas to muddy the waters. We always try to be frugal and simple around Christmas time, but we always end up with more stuff changing hands than we had planned on (Sarah especially seems to be a "stuff magnet" with three sets of grandparents to spoil her - we're going to have to figure out how to even the field a bit later on when Genevieve starts to care about fairness, preferably by going in the "less stuff" direction). Anyway, I like quiet time at Christmas, cooking nice dinners, and staying at home. New Year felt fresh and clean - like the gigunda loads of snow we've been getting (again!).

Sarah is back to school, Gennie is back to preschool, and I have a couple of days of quiet to clean out the basement, do some home repairs, and go to the grocery store all by myself. Cleaning out the basement isn't what some people think of as grand fun, but when you can do it without worrying about who you can hear whining or screaming from up above (it's amazing how clear the sound transmission is through the HVAC system), it's actually rather relaxing. Then I have to charge up and get back into gear for preparing my class for next semester, since we're using a new textbook and will be rehashing most of the course that I spent so much time on LAST semester... oh well. And I'm realizing that I no longer have a month to figure this out before class starts!

I'm also trying to lose 15-20 pounds before we travel to China - we'll see how that goes (3 down, 12-17 to go). Having lost a LOT of weight after Genevieve was born (92 pounds, if you count the pregnancy weight), I know I can lose weight. It would appear, however, that I need to stay on my diet even when I don't need to diet, since my weight has been creeping up since early 2005. (Freshman fifteen? Grad school packs on at least twenty-five!)

Now to discuss the part I'm almost afraid to talk about! All of a sudden it's 2007, and all of a sudden we're nearly two months past our log-in date at the CCAA. (Day 51, actually - but who's counting?) Looking at the statistics, there are often big clusters of travel approvals that come out around the first week of the month (a bunch of TA's came yesterday, for example). There's a possibility we could be in the next group of TA's coming out, but there are enough people ahead of us still waiting that I don't want to get too excited or create expectations that won't be met. According to the stats I ran last November, we have about a 71% chance of receiving TA by February 6th (the 85 day mark), and a greater than 90% chance of receiving TA by the end of February. Of course, since there's Chinese New Year in the mix (on February 18th), our timing could get screwy in either direction. I'm going to stop now, since I can feel my heart rate increasing as I'm typing!! It's so exciting, and such a roller coaster, and I'm such a crazy mom right now! Both of my first two babies came two weeks early... so here's hoping we continue with the trend!!