Wow - tomorrow's Wednesday. People have received TA's on a Wednesday. Of course, the last time we received anything from China, we received it on a Thursday. Some people received their stuff on the Wednesday before our Thursday though, so it could happen. It seems like the end of the week is pretty common for receiving things. Except for when it's early in the week, of course. Or when it's in the middle. Maybe the CCAA wanted to catch up on work missed during CNY week, and they sent out our TA right away. Or maybe they're still hung over, and just spilled their 4th cup of tea all over our TA, and it won't be here this week after all. Or, if it comes, it'll be Friday, to give me the most time to obsess about it. Or, it'll arrive early next week just to make me crazy over the weekend. Of course, that means it'll delay our travel, which leads not only to anxiety and inconvenience, but the world spinning off of its axis and catapulting into outer darkness (since it revolves around us, after all - ha!). Supposedly it takes about three business days for mail to get here from China. So - if it was sent on China's Monday (which is our Sunday), and it takes three days, then it would get here on China's Thursday (which is our Wednesday), right? Unless their Monday doesn't count as a business day, because of it being our Sunday, or something. I've looked at the days of the week that previous families have received their TA's, and there seems to be a lot of Wednesdays in there. Thursdays and Fridays, too, of course. And the infrequent Tuesday.

Don't you find this helpful? Wouldn't you love to be me, and have it running through your head 24/7?

SOMEBODY SHOOT ME NOW. :)

It takes about three business days for mail to get from China to our agency in the U.S. If the CCAA mails our travel approval to our agency early in the week, we have a chance it will be here by Thursday or Friday of this week. I don't even want to hope, for fear of being let down, but I can't help it. I really want to hear good news this week.

Here's my beautiful daughter.



I can't wait to see that smile in person.

Well, we went to three parent training sessions in the last day, to finish up the 24 hours of parent training required by Colorado of all adoptive parents. Thanks for staying with Sarah and Gennie, Grandma Jean! (I still find it funny that we have to find a sitter to be able to go learn how to be parents). I realize that it's ultimately a very good sort of requirement to have for adoptive parents; I just wish we could have "tested out" or something. :) The information was geared towards parents adopting from China, which is also very good. Unfortunately, though - we didn't learn much of anything beyond what we had already researched on our own, even though we tried really hard to ask obscure questions (I'm sure they loved us there, ha ha). Still, since not everybody does do research on their own, I think it's good that they do offer the classes.

I've been somewhat surprised by some of the questions people have asked - like whether all adopted Chinese girls come from the same orphanage. Considering the thousands of children adopted from China every year, that would be one BIG orphanage! I'm glad the family asked rather than staying in the dark, but... wow. With the number of people who seem to expect sweetness-and-light, untraumatized, undelayed children (how many days until she's "done" grieving?), and the number of people who want to be as "American" as possible in China (where's the local Starbucks?), and the general lack of cultural awareness (does everybody speak English there?), and lack of gratefulness (why doesn't China hurry up and give us our child?), I guess I find it all a bit disheartening. There were also lots of parents who seemed like well-informed, loving, prepared adoptive parents who I liked very much.

And of course, I'm far from the perfect mother, I'm very hopeful that Eleanor is as happy and undelayed as possible, I'm far from being the expert on Chinese culture, and while I hope to "go local" food-wise for the trip, I may break down and beg for Pizza Hut eventually, and I know I've grumped about the wait, too. I just hope to convey how incredibly grateful I am that we have the opportunity to adopt this little girl, and while the wait is hard, I do not resent China for taking the time they need to make sure we're suitable parents for Eleanor. She's precious, and should be treated as such.

I've been feeling a little better today; the sun is shining, and a ladybug landed on my knee while I was in my office at the university today. Ladybugs are a good luck symbol in the China adoption community, and it's the first sign of spring coming soon that I've seen. (It's supposed to snow again tomorrow night into Saturday, but we're not going to worry about that right now).

I know that part of my feeling down has been the everlasting snow around here (there's been snow on the ground for a longer period of time this year than anytime since the mid-80's!) It's felt gloomy, and slushy, and slippery, and gray, and muddy for months now. But today was gorgeous - the sunshine was warm on my back, and the mountains were whispering that everything would be okay. The lake in front of our house has been filling since the snows started, and I'm hoping it will stay nice and full for canoeing with the girls this summer (our canoe has been on its trailer, covered with a tarp - and snow - for most of the season, too!)

David and I went out to lunch today, and we had a real conversation about interesting topics that wasn't interrupted by asking our three-year-old to stop putting her fingers in her milk. (Said three-year-old does usually redeem herself later by asking very sweetly for hugs and kisses and "gickles" a.k.a. tickles.)

So today, there were signs of life and hope. (And Chinese New Year week is almost over!) May the year of the Pig bring swift mail from faraway lands.

By my own previous statistical estimations, only 10% of families have to wait longer than 110 days for travel approval. Of course, that was before China decided to start implementing this new confirmation letter business. Well, we know nothing is coming this week because of Chinese New Year, and even if TAs are mailed first thing next week, we probably won't see anything until at least Thursday or Friday. Next Friday will be day 109. We'll be incredibly lucky if we see anything by then.

I attended a two-and-a-half hour lecture on neuroendocrinology and stress today, and one of the main points of the lecture is that uncontrollable stress (stress which arises from situations over which we feel we have no control) produces many undesirable physical and mental processes that have the potential to make us sick. This "uncontrollable" stress is much harder on our bodies and minds than "controllable" stress - where the stressor is either mediated by something we can do or predictable in some way.

Well, at least I know why I feel so icky. Too much cortisol release going on!

I feel so ungrateful. I really am so glad that we have the opportunity to adopt this precious little girl. We're truly very lucky.

I just really need some resolution soon.

Blah. Get out the cheese, 'cause here comes the whine.

No, we haven't received TA yet for Eleanor.
No, I didn't think my surgery on Friday was particularly fun.
No, I really don't want to grade the huge stack of midterms on my desk.

So - we can't make final travel arrangements yet. (The person subbing for me at the university has a baby due in April, so we'd better be able to go SOON!)

I'm still recovering from the minor, "almost no recovery time" surgery from last Friday (really, I'm doing better, I'm just grumpy and sore). I'm remembering why I can't stand male doctors, though.

And, I feel like I'm dragging an anvil behind me when it comes to motivation to do anything for the university. And I feel guilty for complaining, since a lot of people around me have worse things happening right now.

(I have a list of other crapola I'm dealing with right now, but every time I start writing, I just get depressed. So I'm leaving it alone.) And thank you to everybody reading this who is putting up with me and/or saying something nice in spite of my really bad attitude.

I went to Party America after teaching today to pick up some red tissue paper for the gift bags I'm bringing to China. While I was there, I picked up a few items from a small section devoted to Chinese New Year decorations. The girls really loved these wands with dragons and bells. I really tried to get Genevieve to smile nicely for the photo, but after several attempts to get an expression other than the protruding tongue, I decided that this was reality anyway - why deny it? Besides, all the dragons in the picture have THEIR tongues sticking out... (I think she's kind of a cute Gennie Dragon).

On Saturday, we're going to a Chinese New Year's Eve celebration at CU Boulder. It's a family event sponsored by Bohua Chinese School (where Eleanor will probably receive her continued Mandarin lessons), and the Chinese Student and Scholar Association at CU.

Yes, we're hoping it'll be an "Eleanor's coming home SOON!" party! Travel approval would be SO nice this week!!!

Okay, I've found something to distract me from navel gazing and self-pity over TA arrival. I recently learned about the Django's Hope website. It should be noted that I am very familiar with this family; Jennifer Hope was one of the first people I came into contact with when we started considering international adoption. She's a lovely person, who helps with the LOOK project (Love for Older Orphanage Kids - a project that looks after children of Eleanor's age; as it happens a friend and fellow audiologist is also involved in this project). The Hopes are adopting from the same province as we are, and they live just a few minutes south of us, in Golden, Colorado. In any case, I feel connected to this family. I am so upset that ANYBODY could consider being intersexed "offensive" - as if the child could help being born that way. And to deny her family an offered grant BECAUSE the child has this particular need? I am so mad!

Anyway, here is the info from Django's site. I donated as much as I could manage in spite of being in the middle of adoption ourselves. I think this is IMPORTANT.

"Django is a Waiting Child, special needs, China. Intersex is her special need. Intersex is a condition that is frightening to many potential adoptive parents, and offensive to some, but the Hope family knows that Django was born exactly as she is meant to be….

Django's parents inquired about adopting her after reading about her and seeing her photo. Unfortunately the agency costs were more than their family could take on. Just days later, a grant was made by a private donor on behalf of the 8 special needs kids being handled by the agency. The grant would cover all agency fees—$12,300 each!

The Hope family was able to make a commitment to Django and she became their daughter. A short week later, the grant for Django, and only Django, was withdrawn. The grant was approved for the other 7 children on the list which is wonderful because they all found families.

As more information has become available it seems clear that Django's intersex condition was the reason her grant was withdrawn by the donor.

With the support of the agency, the Hopes have decided to continue their adoption of Django with the faith that the money will be available when they need it.

The usual "treatment" for an intersex child in China is radical genital surgery, much as it was in the US until just a few years ago. There's no need for such extreme measures, and the Hope family must get Django home before anything is done to her to her that can't be reversed."

ANYWAY - GO TO http://www.djangoshope.com AND LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND TELL ME SHE'S NOT WORTH GRANT MONEY TO BRING HOME!! She's beautiful, and I could strangle the grant donor that decided she was the only one "ineligible" because of her "offensive" condition!

We've waited to hear from China that we could travel for 3 months now, Eleanor. We've memorized your pretty face and read and reread your description for months longer. We wonder about who you really are, and we can't wait to find out. We think about you every day, especially this week, since we are so close to being able to meet you. We hope China lets us come very soon, we hope we finally hear word that we can plan our travel to you. Everything is gathering in preparation for you to come home. Time moves quickly and slowly at the same time. We think about how you see the same sky, breathe the same air, see the same sun. Your mother cries in the car on her way to the supermarket, thinking about how happy she is that you're almost home. You already live here, in our hearts and minds. Parts of us already live in China, since that is where you are, and we are already connected. Your sisters have helped us gather clothes, toys, and books for you, and they have helped make your bed soft with clean sheets and soft pillows. Your sisters will be there first if you wake up in the night. They talk about you as if you're already here. You'll celebrate Chinese New Year next Sunday. Then, soon after the new year begins, you'll start a new life.

We hope you'll be happy. We hope you'll accept our love. We hope you'll know how many people want everything good for you in life.

See you soon.

Since neither my mother nor Dave's mother is able to come along for the China trip, we invited Eleanor Zitao's great-aunt Diane to join us. She has enthusiastically agreed to come. (Hopefully her schedule will allow - she believes it will). This is wonderful news, as we'll have one more adult to help all the children stay relaxed. The girls adore her, and she puts Dave at ease, which puts ME at ease, and we're all glad she can come. Genevieve sleeps with a certain blue bunny every night, which she proudly announces that Auntie Di gave her. (This gives Auntie Di some special warm fuzzies, as well, I think). We're looking forward to the trip more than ever, knowing she's willing to come along.

We've been looking at airfares, and hotels, and travel accessories, and have just about finished buying gifts for Zitao's foster family, etc. Things seem to be coming together. We're ready for that TA!

I've been meaning to post about this for a while! When we sent our Christmas letters to friends and family this past December, we sent this request:

"There is a tradition in northern China called the "Bai Jia Bei," commonly known as a "100 Good Wishes Quilt." In Mandarin, it's 百家被, which literally means 100 Family Quilt, or quilt united by 100 families. I like that 家 is the character for both family and home - for we certainly believe that home is where family is, where people love you. Since we are going to be Zitao's new "jia," we'd like to create this quilt for her. If you would like to contribute a square to her quilt, we would love that. Please send us two identical 8 x 8 inch squares of cotton quilting fabric, in whatever pattern you personally like, with your written wish/hope/greeting for Eleanor Zitao. The "good wish" can be anything - a quote, verse, saying, or a simple greeting or wish from your heart. One of the squares will go into the quilt, and the other will go into a memory book for Eleanor Zitao with the written wishes. I can think of nothing better to come home to (and get wrapped up in) than the expressed welcoming love of family and friends."

Well, we've had some quilt squares come in, and the fabric and the wishes for our new daughter are absolutely lovely. I will continue to update this page with quilt squares from near and far as they arrive. I've bought some fabric for my own contribution to the quilt (and to give Dave, Sarah, and Genevieve an opportunity to choose their own square to give Eleanor), but haven't decided which one I like best yet! :)

The first to arrive was from our family friend, Reverend Jacqueline Ziegler. Her wish for Eleanor Zitao is: "May life smile on you always, and offer you many opportunities to grow in body, mind and spirit so that you will be a gift to the world." Thank you, Jackie!


My aunt Mari gathered wishes from her side of the family, and created these beautiful squares with embroidered wishes! They arrived yesterday (Feb. 8th), and I was so touched by the work she put into these.

From my cousin, Mike: "Wishing you quiet and peace. When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."



From his wife, Marianne: "Wishing you home and family. Home is where the heart is."



On behalf of their infant daughter, Grace: "Wishing you friendship. Friendship makes the rough road smooth."



From my cousin, Melissa: "Wishing you music. Music soothes the soul."



From her husband, Ed: "Wishing you strawberries and flowers."



On behalf of their first son, Jonathan: "Wishing you sunshine. Look toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you."



On behalf of their baby boy, Matthew: "Wishing you rainbows. Both rain and sunshine make a rainbow."



From my cousin, Heather: "Wishing you hope. Dream your dreams."



From her husband, Bryan: "Wishing you laughter. Keep on smiling."



From my uncle, Dave: "Wishing you prayers. God bless Eleanor Zitao and her family."



From my aunt, Mari: "Wishing you love. Hugs and kisses."





Thank you all so much for sending your love and good wishes to our new daughter. We are so grateful for every one of you.

Our "Letter of Seeking Confirmation from Adopter" was on my desk a whole five minutes today as David and I checked the "We accept" box (of course!), signed it, and put it into a FedEx priority overnight envelope to Heritage. It will arrive at Heritage tomorrow (she says, remembering the DHL snafu), and hopefully China will get it soon! We accept! We accept! We're keeping our fingers crossed for TA before Chinese New Year - it will be close.

I spent this morning in day surgery with my 3-year-old, Genevieve; she was having some oral surgery done. It's so hard to have little ones go under anesthesia (mommy worry), but the nurses pampered her, and the doctor allowed me back to the O.R. along with Gennie's favorite stuffed dinosaur. I was very stylish in what they called a "bunny suit" to cover my clothes, and my blue hair net. She awakened groggy but happy, and was soon presented with cartoons (on a channel we don't get at home - ooh, fancy), and a blue popsicle. We knew she was fine when she refused to wear the finger monitor and wanted her IV out NOW. :) She came home and ate three cartons of peach yogurt, after only a few spoonfuls of chicken soup. We may see this yogurt coming back up before the night is over, but hopefully not! At least she's eating and essentially back to herself.

Gennie's resting this afternoon, and I'm busy travel planning (more dreaming at this point, since I can't make reservations yet, but at least we'll have the list ready), counting calendar days, and checking FedEx tracking even though I know for a fact that pickup won't happen until later today. Guess how much lecture planning I've gotten done today? Ha ha... less than that. Thank goodness I can punt when it comes to undergraduate lectures on the brain. Maybe I can be my own visual aid: this is what happens to your brain when you're trying to complete an adoption. I know, it ain't pretty!

Dave and I got up early again today to go to an adoption training session at our home study agency, CCAI. We had to leave by 7 am, which means we were up before dawn for the second Saturday in a row. The roads were generally much better today, though. Sarah and Genevieve got their second Saturday in a row of fun time with their Grandma Jean, who made them waffles and took them out to go sledding (last week, they got waffles and a trip to the mall).

When we got back (a little after lunch time), I tracked our LOA and noticed that our DHL envelope had arrived at a DHL facility in Louisville, Colorado. (Louisville is only about a 20 minute drive from here). I called DHL right away and asked if I could pick up the envelope at their facility, to which they said, "Gee, sorry ma'am, but the facility was only open until 11 am this morning. It'll be delivered Monday." I wanted to ask, "If the means to your CHILD was locked in a DHL facility, wouldn't you want someone to OPEN it for you?" I didn't say it, even though I was thinking it. I decided that I was over-reacting; the delay really only means that our letter gets to Heritage on Tuesday instead of on Monday.

It'll all be okay, right? At least now I know where the envelope is!

I laid down while the girls played each other at Muppet Racer (a delightfully silly video game during which your chosen muppets race in weird cars through interesting terrain (like Kermit's swamp), and you have the ability to bumper-car into each other, or throw chickens at each other, and other such goofy fun). My body involuntarily conked out for several hours this afternoon, and I woke up around dinner time. Hmm... I probably needed that!

Having recently spoken to a rather unhelpful representative from DHL, the express envelope containing our letter of acceptance from China is somewhere. But not here. Not here is a problem. "There was a routing mistake, and it'll probably get there, um... Monday." In other words: lost? Don't wow me with your competence or confidence in your transit time estimates. Usually people overnight things that are important, like, oh - documents that were months in the making, involving several governmental bureaucratic entities and agencies, that allow families to adopt children, which need to be returned to our agency ASAP so that we - AND another family who is waiting on us - can adopt! They currently aren't sure where it is in the system, so no, I can't go and pick it up, even if I could hop in the van and drive to wherever it is (like, oh... Kansas or something).

I resisted chewing out the DHL guy, since he probably just got off the phone with somebody else who chewed him out for something, so I'm venting here instead. Vent over, keeping my fingers crossed for Monday. Blagh.

We received word from our agency yesterday that our letter of acceptance (some have been calling it a "seeking confirmation" letter) has arrived! They are overnighting it to us, so it should be in our hands today! We sign it, overnight it to the agency, and they send it as quickly as possible to China.

Hopefully we'll see a travel approval before Chinese New Year!

(For now, though - I'm just waiting to tackle the DHL dude!)