Becky's World
Frequently Asked Questions
When partners discover your crossdressing there are many questions they have. Are you gay? Why do you crossdress? Here are some questions and answers from Tri-Ess, a support group for hetersexual cross-dressers. These may help to answer some of their questions.
Do You Know A Crossdresser?
There are perhaps several million in the United States, for it is estimated that
they comprise 5% of the adult male population. Most of them are ordinary men who
have discovered a feminine aspect to their personalities, and desire to
transcend the narrow stereotypes mandated by conventional society. Happy in
their masculinity, they have simply discovered a feminine gender "gift" and
decided to explore it.
What Crossdressers Are Not
Not everyone who dons the clothing of the opposite sex is a crossdresser.
Society tends to perpetuate stereotypes on the basis of visible behavior
patterns. Drag queens are usually gay or bisexual males who don women's clothes
either to mock femininity and society's stereotypes of gays, or to find sex
partners. Female impersonators dress to entertain. Transsexuals believe they are
entrapped in the body of the opposite sex, and seek sexual reassignment surgery.
Crossdressers do not aspire to any of these things, but are simply expressing
the crossgendered side of their personalities.
Understanding the "Woman Within"
There is within each man a set of feminine potentials that are part of his
birthright, but that society says he should suppress. Crossdressers have made
contact with these feminine potentials, this "woman within," and found this
contact fulfilling. Integrating these into their whole personalities,
crossdressers are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges incurred by
their upbringing. The result is relaxation and mellowing of the whole person.
But Why Do They Crossdress?
Much speculation has centered on why some men crossdress. No one knows for sure.
While some cite hormonal or genetic factors, others favor environmental factors.
It appears, however, that for many the clothing serves as a "lens" to facilitate
focusing upon and developing the feminine side of the personality.
Is Crossdressing a Sexual Phenomenon?
Human being are sexual creatures. Especially early on, many crossdressers find
the activity sexually stimulating. As time goes on, however, the sexual factor
appears to become less prominent. Crossdressing is more a matter of personality
than sexuality. For many the need to crossdress becomes a part of the self, just
as musicians need to play music, writers need to write, or ballplayers need to
play ball. A life without crossgender expression is to some as tragic as the
life of a musician forced to live without music. Like musical talent,
crossgender expression can be a real gift.
What Types of People Crossdress?
Crossdressers come from all walks of life, races, creeds, and economic
backgrounds. The phenomenon dates back many thousands of years. In some
cultures, especially some Native American tribes, they were highly respected as
shamans. Most crossdressers are well-educated and come from conventional family
backgrounds. The vast majority are heterosexual and most are, or have been,
married. Most are happy in their masculinity, and only a small percentage opt to
live as women full time. A few women are crossdressers,but they are much less
numerous than their male counterparts. Perhaps this is due to the relative
latitude society grants to women in matters of dress and self-expression.
Can Crossdressing Be "Cured"?
The chief adjustment problem crossdressers face is societal attitudes. While
these have been changing since crossdressers appeared on the Donahue Show in
1987, acceptance is far from complete. Because of possible consequences to
families, jobs, and friends, many crossdressers live shrouded in secrecy. Wicked
by fear and guilt, some crossdressers deny their feminine side and dispose of
their clothing. Usually they are frustrated by this amputation of a significant
part of their personalities, and eventually return to feminine self-expression.
Some seek therapy, but as many therapists are not knowledgeable about
crossgender issues, they sometimes find themselves educating the therapist
rather than getting the help they seek. Nor are psychiatric drugs of benefit.
There is no "cure" for crossdressing, and most crossdressers do not want one!
The Crossdresser and His Wife
How a crossdresser's wife accepts him depends on his own degree of insight, the
duration and solidity of the relationship, and the way in which the wife or
partner learns about the crossdressing. Open and honest communication is the
lifeblood of any committed relationship, and in the case of the crossdresser,
communication is particularly vital. Once a wife or partner realizes her mate
isn't leaving her for another man or for a new life as a woman, the two of them
can seek a solution that suits their own unique circumstances.
The wise wife or partner realizes that her mate is the same person she has
always known. She recognizes the risk her man has taken in revealing his
innermost feelings, and appreciates the trust this represents. Many of the
traits that attracted her in the first place sensitivity, kindness, appreciation
of beauty, etc. - can now be seen as belonging to that "woman within".
The Crossdresser and His Children
A crossdrcsser's children don't appear at any greater risk of becoming
crossdressers themselves. Indeed, children benefit from exposure to a father who
is usually more sensitive, creative and involved in their lives than the
average. The decision to tell the children about one's crossgender expression is
a highly personal one, to be arrived at jointly by the parents, with the needs
of the child paramount.
Crossdressers are usually torn between the desire to "protect" their children on
the one hand, and the negative effects of deceit on the other. Telling the
children at a time and under circumstances controlled by the parents, however,
does forestall the children finding out somehow at a time when they are least
prepared to deal with it.
In our experience, timing - when the children are told - is more important than
what they're told. Adolescence, a time of struggle to establish social and
sexual identity, is not the right time (especially if the children are boys). If
boys are not told earlier in childhood, it is generally best to wait until
adulthood. On the other hand, children who are told in early childhood accept
crossgender expression as "no big deal". Such children are well prepared to deal
with the diversity of modern society.
Looking for Support
Tri-Ess provides support focused on crossdressers, their spouses, partners and
families. Nationwide, 38 affiliates offer a relaxed atmosphere for crossgender
expression. Support resources include a Big Sister Program, a Pen Pal Program,
and a Mail Forwarding Service.
Annual Tri-Ess-sponsored events include the Holiday En Femme, which features fun
outings and educational seminars, and the Spouses' and Partners' International
Conference for Education (S.P.I.C.E.), which focuses on wives' issues,
communication skills and relationship-building.
In addition to educational pamphlets on crossdressing, Tri-Ess publishes a
quarterly magazine, the Femme Mirror, with articles on a myriad of
crossdressing-related subjects. For spouses and partners, Tri-Ess provides a
quarterly newsletter, the Sweetheart Connection. Most affiliates maintain
Helplines and publish monthly newsletters. Speakers are available on request.
Hours: Tri-Ess National can be reached 24 hours a day.
Many affiliates maintain their own phones.
The Society for the Second Self, Inc.
P.O. Box 194, Tulare, CA 93275
(209) 688-9246 (Pacific Time) or
8880 Bellaire B2 PMB104
Houston, TX 77036
(713) 349-8969 (Central Time)