Becky's World

Diary

In the Beginning (for more info about my early years see my Bio)

I started dressing back in the fifties when boys were boys and girls were girls. Anything else was a condemnation of your soul. You were an outcast of society and even hated. This is the atmosphere in which my wife and I were raised. Through the years my dressing continued, narrowly missing being caught by my parents on several occasions. And then, one fateful day, I got caught when I was about twelve years old. My father beat me to a pulp and I was almost disowned. I thought sure that to have been caught would have meant electro-shock therapy but the "family doctor" advised against it stating that this will pass. For a while it did but the want to dress came back. I became very skillful at hiding it and became very adept at lying. At every turn in my life there was a secret and confusion that I could share with no one. I would not dare for fear of another beating, rejection, hate and so on. I thought I was sick. I didn't know if I was gay or what.

As the years passed I realized that I loved girls and, through time, I realized I wasn't gay. Still I had no idea what was going on in my mind that would cause me to want to dress like the girls I loved. After graduating high school I went into the military and managed to suppress thoughts of dressing (that is until I was home on leave).

1968

Near the end of my military stint I met and fell in love with my wife. After leaving the military we decided to get married.  I, as did she, wanted to have kids and a house with a white picket fence. Almost immediately after setting a date a war started raging within my mind. Do I tell her or don't I tell her? Opinions of men wearing dresses hadn't changed much since my earlier years and I didn't want to lose the woman I loved so dearly. I really thought that getting married and raising a family would "cure" my need to dress in woman’s clothes. I was convinced! So what would be the need to tell her if I had every reasonable expectation that I would be cured by marriage? Given the views that society still had against crossdressers I opted not to say anything to her.

1970

We got married and I didn't dress for almost a year. We were on our way to our first and only child. During her pregnancy my need to dress began to creep back into my thoughts. I tried so hard to subdue them but they kept coming. It was like I was cursed.

Now I had all the clothes I needed to dress. Dressing when she wasn't home went on for most of my married life. On occasion she would get suspicious and I'd managed to suppress it for a while. But it kept coming like a tidal wave. To keep her from seeing her stuff disarrayed I would go out and buy what I needed to dress and hide the "stuff".

Sometimes I would almost get caught and felt like I wanted to die. I would purge everything I had. But the need kept coming. I have bought and purged many times. She had her suspicions.....

Fast forward ->->->->

May 14 2003 - 4:30 PM

My wife came home from work earlier than expected and when I saw her car pull into the driveway I almost dropped over dead. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't think. I ran down the basement. She came in and called my name several times, eventually working her way over to the top of the cellar stairs. I yelled back up to her, "don't come down here, don't come down here." My heart was pounding and it felt like it was in my throat. She started down the steps and I said to myself, "Oh God" and I started walking over in her directions.

When she saw me she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Oh no, God, Oh no, I knew it. My world felt like it had just come to an end. I was not dead but I might as well have been. She ran up the steps into the kitchen screaming and crying. After what seemed like an eternity I went up the stairs. My only thought was to try to get to the bedroom so I could change. She turned and saw me and screamed again. I had a hard time breathing and all I wanted to do was die right there on the spot. I could see by the look in her eyes that she was suffering immeasurably by the site of me in a dress. It was like someone had driven a stake into her heart. I went to the bedroom, changed and came back to the kitchen. She was still crying and through her tears she began to bombard me with questions, are you gay, do you want to be a woman, how long have you been doing this? How could you do this to me? I broke down and cried uncontrollably at the agony I had just dumped on her. I walked over and tried to hug her but she pushed me away, several times and even tried to strike me. After an hour or so of us crying we began to talk and I answered her questions as best as I could. My words didn't seem to ease her pain, no matter what I said. I just answered them honestly...She felt betrayed, angry and even disgust. She felt betrayed because I didn't tell her 34 years earlier. She felt that our marriage had been a lie. I explain to her why I never told her and told her of the dozens of times I purged and tried to stop dressing.

We talked for several hours and I told her of when I first realized I liked to dress in woman’s clothes and how I was beaten and shamed by my parents when they caught me. For the first time in my life I had openly discussed my crossdressing with someone. Although it was somewhat of a relief it didn't do anything to alleviate the pain we were both going through at that time. The discussion tailed off and we both calmed down. I suggested to her that if she had any questions, at any time or wanted to discuss this in any way not to hesitate to bring it up. Communications is always best. I did find out in this conversation that she new nothing of what crossdressing was. She envisioned me as some drag queen obnoxiously dressed and over-made up. I offered to give her information and books on the subject but she adamantly refused. She wanted no parts of it. I told her that, in order to begin to understand, she needs to try to learn about what it was that turned her world upside down.

Over the next few months we had several conversations that where always initiated by me. I asked if she had tried to learn anything yet and she said no. She just kept saying that she had to deal with this in her own way. I just couldn't understand how she could deal with something that she knows nothing of, yet I gave her the space and time. However, in each conversation I tried to determine what her comfort level was and each time we'd finish the conversation without me knowing what disturbed her about my crossdressing or what her fears were. Each time she would say that she would have to deal with this in her own way. I kept thinking that she just wanted to bury her head in hopes that her world would return.

During one of our later conversations I told her that since she discovered my secret she doesn't go out very often. It was like she was staying home to keep me from dressing, hoping that she could force it out of our lives. I've explained to her in every conversation that my need to dress will not go away, it is part of me, part of my personality and my personality was quite probably one of the reasons she married me in the first place. I am so completely different from the rest of my family.

I began to get frustrated. I became depressed, didn't laugh much and hardly talked. This went on for weeks and I saw that we were beginning to quarrel, which has been rare in our 34 years of marriage.

December 19, 2003

Finally, we both just let it out. She threatened to leave after the holidays and I told her that I wished I were dead for destroying everything that she felt secure in. Once again we had a very long conversation about my crossdressing and what it has done to her. I finally found out what she fears most about my crossdressing. She fears what people will think of her should anyone find out about me. She fears that our daughter will find out and reject us both. She still fears that I may want to dress full time, alter my body through hormones or even go as far as becoming a woman.  I don't have any such desires.  She knows I am not gay or bisexual. She has asked me if I ever want to go out dressed and I told her I didn't know for sure. I suppose at some point I would probably venture out in public just as most other CD'ers do. But for now that desire is completely out of the picture.  I did ask her if she would throw me out if I joined a support group and she said she didn't care as long as no one ever meets in our home. Throughout this conversation we cried, but, from the tears came, I feel, a new understanding for both of us.

It would appear that she has reached a certain level of acceptance and has told me that she realizes my need to dress will be a part of me forever. However, at this time, she is still adamant about never seeing me dressed or participating in any way. She does know I dress when she goes out and she has promised to go out more often to give some space. She has also promised that she would call before returning so that I have an opportunity to "put my things away." She said that she is trying to understand. And I believe her sincerity.

I promised her that I would not force my crossdressing on her and that I would not try to manipulate her in any way to become supportive. But we both agreed that she must make an effort to reach out and learn about crossdressing. After all, how is she to make an informed decision without knowing anything about what it is she's trying to decide? I suggested to her that, ultimately, I wanted to share all of me with her but if, after reading, learning and talking with other wives who have gone through this, she still desires to have nothing to do with my crossdressing then I will abide by her decision. She said that she would reach out when she felt ready and asked that I not push her. And I will not push. We have set our first boundary.

January 18, 2004

It has been one month since our last discussion.  Although she had promised to go out more and to call before returning she has not stuck to what we had discussed.  On several occasions I asked her to call and she did so without reservation but she has not taken it on her own to call unless I ask.  Even though she knows of my dressing I still feel like I'm buried deep in my closet.  This still makes my dressing extremely awkward, in that I cannot enjoy my time alone.  I'm so afraid of the emotions that would be stirred up if she comes in unexpectedly. I don't want to give her any more hurt and I don't want to feel the rejection.  And, until she is ready (if ever), I don't want her to see me dressed.  At this point, it would appear she is not holding up to her end of our first boundary.

My legs, below my knees, have very little hair but for months I have been partially shaving a few inches above my knees.  And since she didn't seem to be holding up her end of our first boundary I thought I would stretch it a little.  So, I have started completely shaving my legs, chest and underarms.  At first she seemed somewhat disturbed by it.  She asked me why I would do that and I told her that I enjoyed the feeling of clothes directly touching my skin and that I thought it looked nice.  (Not having any leg hair sure looks and feels so good in stockings and wearing a bra or a low cut sleeveless dress without hair sticking out all over the place looks good.)  It has been several weeks now and she has not said a thing about it.

I am still having some bouts of depression and still feel repressed because of her lack of interest in something so vital to my existence.  She still has not reached out to anyone, even to me, to learn about crossdressing.  The only question she has asked was about me shaving and that was only after I began shaving.

January 24, 2004

I'm still trying to get her to open up by trying different things without exposing her to my dressing.  She needs to discuss this issue positively or negatively.  It is very difficult to know where she's at with this issue when she simply does not communicate.

Today I woke up, did some chores around the house, took a shower and told her that I was going to go shopping at a distant mall.  She reacted somewhat negatively and said nothing but. "Okay."  I headed out the door and was gone for about three and a half hours.  I bought panties, a tummy shaper, a new lavender top and a pair of black mules.  All the way back from the mall I was debating whether I should enter the house with my bags or leave them in my truck to take in later.  By the time I got home I decided to bring them in with me in hopes that she would see the bags and want to know what I bought.  Even if her reaction was negative I would welcome it.  I came in through the front door and she was sitting dejectedly on the couch.   I said "Hi" and she responded with a "Hi" but I could tell she was depressed.  She said absolutely nothing else.  I went to the bedroom and dropped the bags on our bed and went outside to shovel snow.  When I finished I went to the bedroom to put my new things away and she still had not responded in any way.

At this point she simply will not communicate on this issue.  This is not only depressing but it's beginning to hurt, as she seems to be just totally ignoring the whole thing.  There have to be millions of thoughts going through her head but she continues to express none of them.  I'm finding it harder and harder to hide my true feelings but I am also trying my best to keep these feelings concealed.

March 9, 2004

We've made a little progress since my last entry.  She still hasn't made any attempt to reach out to anyone for understanding.  Although, we have taken a step or two forward.  Lately she has been experimenting with (on me) some things that are generally considered feminine practices.  We are giving each other facials, peels and masks and she is attempting to give my hands a softer feel.  Since I have thin brittle nails and lousy cuticles she regularly gives me a manicure and applies O.P.I. Nail Envy matte finish which I wear 24/7.  With a wild imagination I thought that she is experimenting with these things to see if she can cope with "her man" doing things that are generally considered feminine.  Although I am not at all sure about that feeling.

My wife is finally allowing me more time to be alone to dress and she is now reliably calling before coming home (and I don't even have to ask her to call).  It has taken us ten months to reach this point.  At this rate I'll be a 106 years old before she sees a picture of me.  The problem is that I will not live to be 106.  Given my age I'm so afraid that something will happen to my health that will prevent me from coming completely out of the closet, at least in my own home, and being a whole person for the first time in my entire life.  I'm not trying to be a fatalist, just realistic.  But by the same token, I don't want to cause her any more pain than she already has.  Oh, what a dilemma!  There is nothing I want more than to be able to share all of me with her in my lifetime but I honestly don't know if that will ever happen.  I really hope I am wrong, only time and love will tell. 

April 11, 2004

Breaking News!    My wife and I had a rather heated discussion with some fairly blunt words being exchanged.  I think that this conversation was bound to happen since we haven't talked about my crossdressing in quite a while and the unspoken words were beginning to create an atmosphere that was uncomfortable for both of us.  I reminded her that she had promised to reach out to learn a little about crossdressing and that she had not done that.  During our conversation she once again said that she would reach out.  This time I believed her and offered to set up an email address for her, a Yahoo account and get some links to a few groups that I thought she could find the answers she was searching for and she agreed. 

There were two very gracious offers from other wives of crossdressers to email back and forth with her to try to answer her questions and concerns.  I told my wife about them and she agreed to correspond with them.  I also told her that she would have complete privacy as far as I was concerned and I didn't want to know what was discussed or to what level.  I felt I was taking a huge gamble in doing this but I had to have faith and trust that this was the right thing to do.  I feel she needs to have the space to go were she has to go without me looking over her shoulders.   She has to discover what this is all about, good or bad, without any intervention on my behalf.  I do not want to influence her in any way, she has to make up her own mind in her own way. 

She has also joined CDSO, a listserv specifically set up for the wives of crossdressers to openly discuss every imaginable issue under the sun and The Crossdresser's Secret Garden.  I've heard good and bad things about CDSO but I have faith in her to disregard the husband bashing that supposedly takes place there on occasion and to look at the honest and open discussions from wives, girlfriends and families who are dealing with this issue.  I don't know whether she has posted anything but, knowing her, she is quite probably lurking and reading posts.  I'm sure that once she feels comfortable she will begin to ask questions or participate in the discussions.

The Crossdresser's Secret Garden" is a great place where everything is discussed openly and there is a broad member base from CD'ers to transsexuals. There are wives and girlfriends at every level of acceptance.   I'm sure, if she posts there, that she will get very candid and truthful responses from GG's and CD'ers alike.

I have also set her up with Yahoo's Internet Messaging so she can have real time discussions with the two ladies she is corresponding by email with.  And I think she is willing to join a CHAT being set up in the "Garden" for GG's only.

All-in-all, I don't know what conclusions she has come to yet but we have come a long way in the last month and we quite probably have a long way to go.  But, at least, we are going forward.

May 4, 2004

More Breaking News!   A new chapter seems to be unfolding.  We had a very long conversation this afternoon.  The difference this time is my wife initiated the conversation.  This is the first time she has taken the lead since her discovery of me almost one year ago.  As a result I was extremely worried about what was going to be discussed.  I wasn't sure if a bomb was going to drop or not. 

So I nervously listened and talked........

We discussed her concerns and fears in depth, as well as my concerns and fears. There were tears from both of us. All I can say is God bless her for trying so hard to deal with something that is so against her beliefs. She has been emailing back and forth with the two GG's and she is reading posts from CDSO and the Crossdressers Secret Garden. She has quickly learned to go back through the archives at the Garden to find and read my posts and member's replies. I told her that it does not upset me in any way for her to read them. I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of.

She was really open and honest with her concerns and fears.  This is the first in depth and constructive conversation we have had since her discovery of me

She knows absolutely that I am not gay or Bi

Her concerns are this:

1.  She's afraid I will want to dress as a woman full time.

2.  She's afraid that I will want to alter my body in some fashion (shaving doesn't count) through hormones.

3.  She's afraid that I will one day want to transition

Her fears are this:

1.  She's afraid our daughter will find out.

2.  She's afraid our family (for what little of us that are left) will find out.

3.  She's afraid that our friends will find out.

All of her fears have to do with her social standing and the embarrassment that would be hers if any of the above found out.

She now knows that I wear panties evenings and from Friday after work until Monday before work. She also knows that I dress to the nines whenever time permits and to a lesser degree when time is limited. She also knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that my need to dress is something that is beyond my control and is actually part of my being. She's asked me not to shop locally, going to distant malls or shopping on line is okay with her. She just doesn't want anyone to recognize me.

As you know, she has previously said that she would go out more and call before returning, which she has done faithfully. This has now changed with the new boundaries.

At her suggestion, I can dress at home any time I wish or have a need to. Rather than go out, she will stay in our spare bedroom and watch TV for the evening or day and she'll let me know when she needs to use the facilities so I can be out of eye shot of her. She's said that I can have the run of the house or work on my computer or be in the chat rooms while dressed en femme. She just does not want to see me dressed yet and may never want to see me dressed. I suggested to her that I would ask her if she minds if I dress and she appreciated the suggestion and accepted that.

Of course, I have to give in return.

1.  I am never to tell my daughter of my crossdressing

2.  I'm not to wear any feminine clothing under my guy clothes while at work.

3.  I must let my body hair grow back from May through September. I can once again shave all hair throughout the fall,
    winter and spring.

4.  I am not to post any pictures on the Internet.

I agreed with her wishes providing she will continue to reach out to others in an ongoing learning process and maybe there will be boundary changes in the future when she is ready, then again maybe not, she just doesn't know. She has also asked to read "My Husband Wears My Clothes."

This has not been very easy for her. She's thought about leaving or asking me to leave but has decided to work through each of her feelings to the best of her ability. I told her that I would continue not to push my crossdressing on her or to push the "envelope", so to speak. I told her that if she feels I'm dressing to often that she should tell me. We'll take one day at a time and try to move forward.

To be honest, I never thought this would get this far. I really thought that the only avenue we had left was separation. Although she didn't say, I'm hoping that her reaching out to others has helped her come to this point.

June 27, 2004

It has been almost two months since our first real boundaries have been set.  Things are relatively okay but somewhat askew.  I have been free to dress at home when I feel the need to do so, which has averaged about 3 times a week or so.  Each time I dress I do ask my wife if she would mind and so far has not outwardly objected, although a few times I could sense that she wanted to say no but didn't.

When I do dress things seem to go okay.  I'll stay in the bedroom or my computer room and she'll be in another part of the house completely out of sight of me.  Or, sometimes, she'll move to the bedroom to watch TV and I'll be able to move around the house freely.  If she "has the house" and I'm in a room and I need to get to the kitchen or whatever we play hide and seek.  She'll hide where she can't see me and I'll go and get my water or whatever and when I'm done I'll go back to where I was and she will come out of hiding.

It would be so much easier if she would just finally see me dressed.  The time that I spend dressed could be spent together, instead of in isolation, neither one of us is getting any younger and one day we will wish we had spent more time together. 

But for now, I guess, things will have to remain the way they are.  As each day passes it's terribly disheartening and depressing that she doesn't seem to be moving any closer to acceptance.  After recent conversations and boundaries I really thought that she may be moving towards some acceptance.  Believe me I am grateful for the freedom I have gained in recent months but as part of our boundary discussions she promised to continue to reach out and try to learn more about crossdressing.  She makes what appears to be a meager attempt to do so but I think (and I really hope I'm not being paranoid about this) she is only occasionally reaching out just to be able to say that she is doing as she has promised.  She rarely emails two GG's that have offered to help her through this and answer any questions she may have but I think they feel that she doesn't want to communicate with them for some personal reason when she probably just doesn't want to discuss the issue.  She is also a member of CDSO and about every two weeks she will sit down and briefly look through the email, reading very few of them before deleting them.  She started reading "My Husband Wears My Clothes" almost a month ago and hasn't finished it yet.  I don't know how many of you have read the book but it can easily be read in about six hours or less.

I think in her mind she thinks that she is accepting my feminine side but I think there is not acceptance, only tolerance.

In our last conversation she asked me "Why is it so important for me to be accepting of your feminine side."  At the time I couldn't give her an answer beyond "I wanted to be able to share my whole self with her."  After thinking about that question for some time I think I have finally figured out why I need her acceptance.  I have been dressing for over 48 years and for almost all of this time I thought that I was a sick, disgusting person.  Over the last couple of years (and after finding many others like me via the Internet) I have slowly begun to accept myself for who I am.  But I cannot feel completely accepting of myself unless the person I love the most in the entire world is also completely accepting.  All of me needs her love and compassion and tenderness.  Yes, I crossdress.  And yes, it is not considered a disease but I cannot reach a point in my life of complete happiness and contentment without her help and understanding.  We are soul mates, yet our soles do not completely touch, we are not one.

September 28, 2004

After four and one half months since the setting of our first real set of boundaries I've had an opportunity to observe how she is learning to cope with my crossdressing.  My observations have not been positive, but by the same token, things haven't gotten any worse.  Let me explain.

From our "boundaries" conversation back May I really thought she would try to reach out to learn about crossdressing.  Yet somewhere deep down inside of me I had this feeling that she would not and that the outward appearance of doing so was only to appease me.  So far, as it has turned out exactly that way.

At first she made a meager attempt to reach out but her ambition and enthusiasm quickly faded into oblivion.  Since we don't talk about it much any more I think she feels that she has reached a level of toleration she can live with as long as she does not have to see me dressed or participate in any fashion.  Having reached that level I think she feels that she has no need to travel any further down that path of knowledge.  The whole idea about setting boundaries is to set a level that both can live with then, at some point in time, new boundaries can be set when both are ready.  I have upheld my part of the boundary to the letter and she has not upheld hers.  This is a problem.

While she may have reached a level of toleration she doesn't realize is that I still need to grow as a crossdresser.  I don't mean grow towards dressing full time or altering my body in some fashion, those desires have never been a consideration of mine.  What I mean is that I need to socialize with my peers, I need to get out and about dressed, I need to join an organization and I need to refine the way I appear when dressed.  Why?  I don't have the faintest idea!  But I do know that the need to do so is constantly with me.  Perhaps it's like someone who is into model railroading or model airplanes.  While you can certainly run the trains on your platform or fly an RC model by yourself, it is much better and more fun to be a part of a group of modelers.  You get to meet new friends and some really interesting people, exchange tips and share common bonds.  Camaraderie, that's what clubs or organizations are all about.  Why should crossdressing be any different?  We have spent our entire lives alone and in anguish and we need to be accepted as much as any other human being needs to be accepted.

I'm of the opinion that we are born this way.  God knows I have tried since my earliest of recollections to change those desires and have never succeeded.  They are as much a part of me as being right-handed and no more controllable.  Oh, you can learn to do things with your left hand but you will always instinctively be right-handed.  The same with crossdressing.  You may be able to control it but the desire to crossdress will always be there.  If that desire is not acted upon it can and will create a multitude of mental issues. 

Last week we had another conversation and we discussed many things.  I dressed two nights in a row and she really felt I was beginning to escalate to a point of trying to dress every day.  I assured her over and over that those were not my intentions.  I explained that I simply felt a need to dress.  And that this may happen again in the future.  She felt reassured that what I was telling her was the honest truth, and it was.  We talked about our "boundaries" discussion and I pointed out that she hasn't been actively pursuing what she had said she would.  And she admitted to falling off of the wagon.  I explained to her that I have implicitly held up to what I promised I would do and she agreed that I had.

During our discussion that evening I asked my wife, "Would it have made a difference in her position on crossdressing if I would have come forward and told her of it?" To my surprise she said, "No, it wouldn't have made any difference." She said, "When I found out I was angry and said many things, that in retrospect, I didn't mean. I just lashed out in anger. Since then I have had time to think of what I said to you and I realize now how much they must have hurt you and I'm sorry." I was really surprised and relieved by what she said.

I also mentioned to her that I had heard that it was much easier for a spouse to see a photograph of her crossdresser as a way to "break the ice."  I asked her if she would like to see a photo and to my surprise she said no, but she said it in a way that I believed she would soon take a look at a photo of me dressed.  In the past she has just flat out refused and emphatically stated, "no way!"  Somehow deep inside of me I still have this feeling that she will soon reach a level of acceptance, not just tolerance.  However, I still refuse to push the issue.  She needs her time and space, of that I am sure.

Even though it has been 14 months since she discovered me dressed we have a long way to go. She has reached a level of tolerance with my dressing. I do dress around the house with her here but she has yet to see me dressed. I feel that this level of tolerance is but a step toward acceptance. I have no idea just how many steps are involved but at least we are taking those steps. And discussions like those we had last week help us sort through our emotions, our fears, our growth and where we will go tomorrow. I can only hope that we continue to communicate, it helps us both.

Note:  I'm sitting here this evening, as I write this update, fully dressed and it appears she is once again on the wagon, she is in the bedroom reading "My Husband Wears My Clothes.  Needless to say, I am so happy that she is willing to try to move forward.  I am really proud of her!

Some things have happened since my last diary update.  During the middle of October I discussed with my wife the possibility of me joining a somewhat local support group.  Immediately I was asked, "why on earth I would want to do that?  Aren't you happy simply dressing around here?"  I told her that I needed to have the company of other CD'ers as I had never met or talked with another CD'er in person.  I explained to her that it would be nice to talk with others who are totally accepting and would not look down on me like I was some sort of mental case.  She was upset that I wanted to venture out to another location and get dressed but she said that she would not stop me.  I really do have to give her a lot of credit.  She is trying so hard to deal with my crossdressing.  She's so worried about escalation, that I would eventually want to dress full time.  I keep trying to assure her that I have no intention of doing that.

During the following week I made contact with the girl who does the local interviewing for this organization and arranged a meeting at a distant mall on the following Saturday (which just so happened to be the same day as the meeting).  If everything went well I could be going to my first meeting that night.  All week (with my luck) I worried that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to attend.

Saturday finally got here I started the hours drive to the mall.  During my drive down the interviewer called my cell phone and asked if I minded if she came en femme.  I said, "not at all."  During that hours drive I thought my brain would short circuit from all the things I was thinking about.  I thought of how would I react when I saw this man (a total stranger) dressed as a woman in broad daylight in the parking lot.  I thought of how the interview might go.  I thought, "Will she think I am right for the organization?"  Oh my God!  What if I made a total fool of myself.  I was a nervous wreck all the way down there.

I pulled into the parking lot and could not see her car.  Oh no!  Did I get it wrong?  Am I in the right place?  Suddenly, my cell phone rang and it was her.  She told me where to meet her and I quickly drove to that location and parked right next to her.  I took a huge breath, swallowed and the got out of my car, walked around hers and got in. 

I was amazed!  I had finally met another crossdresser and was quickly put at ease by her greeting.  She was so warm and friendly and we began to simply chit chat.  We chatted for over an hour.  She familiarized me with the organization and said things like, "well you'll see tonight."  I was ecstatic thinking, "Wow! I think I've been accepted!"  Shortly after she mentioned that she had to get going as she had some errands to run and she asked, "Are you coming to tonight's meeting?"   And I quickly and excitedly answered that a snow storm couldn't keep me away.  I shook her hand and then departed. 

The drive home was almost as bad as the drive down.  Only now I was filled with excitement and anticipation and I remember thinking, "Oh my God!  What am I going to wear?"  First impressions are everything and I wanted to present a likeable first impression.  I finally decided I would wear a black leather skirt (just above my knees, ivory turtleneck sweater, ivory stockings and black heels. 

When I got back home my wife asked me how it went.  I told her that I was be permitted to go to the meeting that night.  She seemed disappointed that I was, for all intent and purposes, accepted.  She said, "I guess this means you are going to join?"  I told her that I was not sure.  I might get there and find out that this is not for me or I might find out that it is for me and would join.  I just didn't know for sure.  She asked me where the meeting was, what time it started and ended, and what time I would be leaving here. 

Wow!  I had so many thing to do; shower, shave and gather my clothes and makeup.  As it turned out I didn't get a chance to eat anything before I left.

I was a nervous wreck all the way up to the meeting place (about an hours drive).  I finally arrived a little early and no one was there yet.  I took the opportunity to apply my nail polish.  Shortly after that the members began to arrive.  I grabbed my garment bag and headed for the door.  I was warmly greeted by the girl I had met earlier that day.  What a relief, at least I saw a familiar face.  She showed me to the dressing room.  Having to dress in front of other people (even if they were CD'ers) for the first time is a somewhat traumatic experience.  I can't tell you how nervous I was.  Anyway, I finally finished dressing and checked my makeup and hair then walked out the door and into the meeting room.  Everyone was so warm and friendly, I felt right at home.

AT LAST!  I had finally made a limited public debut en femme....While some may not consider this to be earth shattering news it meant, for me at least, the world......On Saturday, October 22, 2004 I attended my first Tri-Ess meeting.

Our TriEss chapter had our Christmas party this past Saturday night and it ended up being so much fun and quite a learning experience for me.  All of the employees were so genuinely warm, friendly and were so much fun to be with.  This was the first time that I have ever been exposed to "regular" people while dressed in a real life environment.  That evening showed me, unequivocally, that people really don't care if they see a "guy in a dress."  The two bartenders were female and they had as good a time as we did.  I got into a sort of "outreach" conversation with one of the bartenders and was very surprised at her comments.  The one that really sticks with me is, "Everyone deserves to be happy."  I explained to her that when some people see a guy in a dress there uneducated reaction is that he is gay or that it is wrong.  And the bartender simply said, "So what!  It doesn't matter, as long as you are happy, that's what counts."

On the home front

It has been a while since our last discussion and my wife has not really made any further efforts since to reach out.  And I have also been sensing a lot of negativity coming from her.  There were many time where the unspoken words were loud and clear.  Lately I have been thinking that perhaps she has progressed as far as she is going to go.  Well, tonight I asked her if she would mind if I got dressed, since she is going out to dinner with friends from work.  As she turned away from me I could see her roll her eyes as if to say, "Oh no, not again" and she curtly said, "No, I don't care."  Then she came out with, "You know it seems like you can't wait for me to go out so you can 'do your thing'."  She asked me if I was planning on dressing tonight.  I said, "Just today."  From her words I felt that negativity once again and decide not to dress.  As she was getting ready to leave I went into my computer room and sat down.  She said, "I thought you were going to do your thing."  I replied with, "No, I don't think I will dress tonight."  She got angry and said, "What are you trying to do make me feel guilty?"

[ I don't think she realizes just how much attention I pay to what and how she says things.  In the 34 years that we have been married I have learned to pay strict attention to the way she verbalizes since she is not one to openly express how she feels about anything.  From the way she expresses herself I look for positive or negative inflections.  When I get positive reactions I really enjoy my time dressed.  When I get negative reactions it simply and effectively lets the wind out of my sails.  I don't think she realizes just how deep my feelings are concerning our relationship and the introduction of crossdressing into it. ]

At any rate, her words and my interpretation led us into another conversation.  After our usual exchange of thoughts I told her that I had been thinking a lot lately about how she feels and have decided that I will completely accept the fact that she has no intention of going any further down the path of acceptance.  I told her that I would no longer bring up the subject in any way.  If she chose to ask questions or want to take a few steps down the path of acceptance that my hand would always be out to her.  I also told her that if I wanted to go to another organization's meetings, chat in chat rooms or to a friends house to dress that I should be able to do so.  And she said, "You do what you want to do, I won't stop you.  Just don't let this become your number one priority or let it override family responsibilities."  Damn it!  This hurts!  I want her to be with me, to be a part of it......

I'm not a counselor but I don't think her statement is good for our relationship (or, for that matter, good in any relationship ).  I have tried so hard to include her indirectly in this part of my life.  I have asked her to attend meetings with me or come to our Christmas party and each time she has refused.

I told her about the negativity that she presents and how it makes me feel.  I told her that she won't even say, "Are you going to dress tonight?" and that instead she'll say, "Are you going to do your thing." 

She's always asking me, "Why can't you accept the way I feel?"  "I'm suppose to accept you but you can't accept me?"   I told her that I have finally accepted that she wants nothing to do with this part of my life and she got angry.  I asked her why she was angry and she said she thought I was trying to lay a guilt trip on her.  I wasn't!  I was simply telling her that after 18 months of trying, I am accepting her for the way she feels. I told her that she was driving me nuts and that it appears I can't win for losing.  She keeps telling me I should accept the way she feels and when I finally do she gets mad!

She left for the restaurant angry and I cried a bit.  Then the phone rang and it was her.  She apologized, as did I.  She asked me if I was going to get dressed and I told her that I wasn't going to.  She insisted that I do and even asked me to put the clothes I would change into when I was done in another room so I could stay dressed longer.  At this point I am totally confused by her reactions.  However, just so I don't have my hopes dashed once again I will stick by what I told her (not to bring the subject of crossdressing up again in any way).  I had hoped with all my heart that she would become an accepting partner but it appears that will never happen.  She knows it and now I know it!

February 14, 2005

The weeks and months keep passing by but there seems to be so little progress.  There is little discussion any more about my crossdressing.  And it seems that the conversation only comes when she notices something that I haven't done before. 

It was a Saturday and I asked her if she minded if I dressed tonight and she said, "No, absolutely not."  Then she asked me in an instantly recognizable tone, "Are you letting your nails grow?"  And I said, "Yes."  She then asked me why and I told her, "I like them like this."  "What if someone notices them?"  I said, "No one would ever notice them, you do because you are looking for it."  She dropped the subject but I could tell she was steaming on the inside.  As the day progressed there was less and less conversation between us until there was none.

She was late getting dinner and I decided not to dress.  She usually questions why I don't dress after I have asked to but she didn't ask this time, a sure indicator that she was ticked about something.

Now it's Sunday and still no conversation between us.  Finally, in the afternoon I said, "I think we have to talk."  In her typical manor she said, "about what?"  I began the conversation with, "You're mad about my nails aren't you?"  Then the gates opened up.  At first there was an angry out lash but shortly things settled down to a conversation.  A lot of what was said was a rehash of past conversations but two very critical developments came up and, as a result, I think that we both have a better understanding of each other's feelings and needs.

First of all, and for the first time in almost two years since she found out about my feminine side, she finally told me why she won't let me dress in front of her.  She is afraid that if she allows me to dress in front of her that I will want to dress every night.  I told her that she didn't have to worry about that because I have no desire to dress every night.  She wasn't convinced and quite frankly I am at a loss as to how I can convince her of that.

During our conversation she wanted to know why I felt I had to have the entire evening to dress, which brings us to the second development.  I explained to her that the reason I like to have four or five hours of dressing time is because it takes time and a lot of work to transform myself and once done I like to have enough time to enjoy the feeling I have.  I asked her if she would look at a picture or two of me dressed.  Her response was one of surprise.  She said, "You take pictures?  Why on earth do you take pictures of yourself dressed in woman's clothes?  I responded with, "So I can see the progress I have made over the years in dress and makeup.  You would be surprised at how much my appearance has changed since my earlier days."  And before she could say no to seeing the pictures and while I still had the nerve to show her I went into the den and picked out two pictures for her to see.  Both pictures were of me completely dressed right down to the wig, makeup and nail polish.  Both pictures were very dignified and respectful.  She didn't make any comment one way or the other about the images I showed her.  She looked at them thoroughly and then kind of threw them on to the bed.  She then asked, "Why aren't you happy just to wear the clothes.  Why do I have to wear makeup and do your nails?  I said to her, "Because dressing like that gives me peace, serenity and a sense or feeling of completeness.  It allows me feel whole."

Our conversation ended gradually after that point.  Several hours later I said to her, "Do you know what I was afraid of when I showed you the pictures?"  And she asked, "What?"  I said. "I was so afraid that you would laugh at me."  And she said, "If anything I might have said you were ugly or you looked like a man in a dress, but I wouldn't have laughed at you."  Believe it or not, I felt that since she didn't say I looked ugly or looked like a man in a dress, that she thought I was presentable as a woman.  And that made me feel good.

I'm hoping that it won't be long now before she asks to meet "Becky."  At that point I will be a very nervous yet very happy person.  Although I still cannot explain why, it just means so much to me for her to see and accept my feminine side.

April 11, 2005

Did you ever watch the news stories about heavy rains in the mid-west and how, when the rivers rise too much, the levy's are ready to burst?

There have been many times in recent months when my mind seems to be reaching a point of high water and my levy is about to overflow its banks to release the pressure.  But each time this happens my levy gets built a little higher.  The water is relentless, it rages and keeps rising.  I continue to build the levy higher but the pressure continues to mount.  I fear that sooner or later the levy will break and I'm not sure what the consequences will be.  Will it be one of total destruction of everything I know and love or will it be one of peace and contentment?  The prospect frightens me.

I have searched my sole for answers and have been unsuccessful in finding them.  My whole life has had more than its fair share of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt, shame and hiding.  As I think back over my past I cannot seem to find any one thing that could be considered a trigger for crossdressing.  I realize after all these years that crossdressing has been part of me since birth and is something that's beyond my control.

I've been married for 35 years and my partner has known about this for the last two years.  We have been through a lot together.  We've handled hurt, illness, death and most other surprises that life can throw at us and each time we have made all the appropriate adjustments to happily continue on with our lives, each hurdle has made us stronger.

Let me say that I am not a murderer, thief, child abuser, wife beater, alcoholic or drug abuser.  I don't suffer from thoughts of infidelity or homosexuality nor do I suffer from any type of disability or terminal illness.  I'm pretty much an all around person who takes his responsibilities seriously.  However, I am a crossdresser.  I have an inexplicable need to wear women's clothes.  This "need" has caused some disturbing trends in our relationship.  It has created an atmosphere of suspicion, of what I'm not sure.  We have talked about this many times and she is convinced I am not gay or desire to become a woman.  Yet I feel that I am under a microscope constantly being scrutinized and often questioned about motives.  The slightest change in my daily routine (whether or not it has anything to do with crossdressing) is being questioned and somehow linked to my need to crossdress.  Each time that we have talked the conversation ends with a relatively fruitless outcome and with no more of an understanding than before.

I feel my wife tolerates my need to dress without regard to my mental well-being.  She has reached a level of comfort for her.  But what she doesn't want to realize is that her level of comfort does not necessarily equate to a level of comfort for me.  Deep down inside I need so badly for her to accept but she refuses this part of me and as a result I still feel as though I am closeted without the ability to freely live the life I was dealt.  I must continue to suppress part of my very being.  It's like anyone else suppressing a natural part of themselves, like laughing or crying.  Oh, you can probably do this for a while but you will eventually begin to feel the adverse affects of this suppression.

Even though I don't understand it, I have finally and fully accepted this need as being part of my very existence.  My wife simply cannot handle this.  She talks about this as though I am two distinct individuals.  She looks for indications that my feminine side is overtaking my male side.  When will she realize that I am one person, with both male and female traits?  Both have made me who I am.  Together they have formed the man she calls her husband.

My head says that it is time to ease the pain and move on.  I am sick to death of hiding and suppressing who I am.  I am so tired of being under the microscope.  I am so tired of suspicion.  I am so tired of living like an incomplete sole.  I need to be me, all of me.  I need to live a whole life.  I need her acceptance.  The plain fact of the matter is "I am what I am and that's all that I am."

My heart, on the other hand, tells me that I still love her very much and that I have to do anything I can to protect her and to ease her pain, even if it means I must live an unhappy and unfulfilled life.  She didn't ask for this, she was never given a choice.  My heart breaks for her.

But, what disappoints and saddens me most is that (of all the things in this world that I could be) "I am only a crossdresser" and she is not willing to try to understand my feminine side.  I cannot help who I am, any more than I can help what color eyes I have.  This makes me wonder what she would do if she were given a choice between accepting me for who I am or living the rest of her life without me.

I know our partners need time to ease the trauma that accompanies this discovery, but I wonder if they take time to think about what we have and are going through.  Understanding is so important to this issue and if a partner is unwilling to have a clear understanding then, I feel, there is little hope of progress.

Admittedly, it is not easy for either person, but unless a point of mutual comfort can be reached crossdressing will put a relentless strain on a relationship.  Sooner or later, that levy will give way.  What will happen at that point no one knows.

June 1, 2005

This past May 14th is an anniversary of sorts.  On that date, two years ago, my wife discovered my feminine side.  The road to acceptance has been a rough one on both of us.  I can report today that it is still a rough road.  She has not come any closer to understanding or accepting than she was months and months ago.  In fact, I believe she has not been truthful with me.  Near the end of last year she asked me, "If I am supposed to accept you for who you are then why can't you accept me for the way I feel about crossdressing?"  I told her that I can accept the way she feels.  A week after that conversation I asked her if she wanted me to delete the mailbox I set up for her under my account, the one she used to email some other wives of CD'ers in the beginning.  Her reply?  "No, I will still use it when you go off to your meetings."  I thought, "Wow!  There still might be a chance that she will eventually come around."  Not knowing for sure if she was actually going to do this, I was trying to figure out a way to see if this was real.  The only thing I could think of was to suspend that email account for a while and see if she says anything to me about not being able to access the account.  Several months passed and she never said a thing.  It was obvious that she no longer showed any interest at all in reaching out.  I guess she figured that if I though she was still actively reaching out I wouldn't bother her with any more conversations about crossdressing or pressing the issue with her.  The only time she brings up the subject any more is to tell me that she doesn't like that I have my nails filed in a feminine fashion, or that I seem to be trimming eyebrows, etc.  Yes, I'm still under the microscope.  Every day she goes out of her way to look me over whenever she has the opportunity to do so without me seeing her do this.  I have to be honest here, I don't like this one bit.  Ever since we had our boundaries discussion I have stuck to my agreement with her and she has completely ignored hers to me.  I am still in the closet!  Only it's a little bigger than it used to be.  She may have reached her comfort level and probably thinks she is keeping me in check with her daily inspections but all she has accomplished is to somewhat alienate me.  By her not, at least, trying to reach out to understand she is telling me that she is rejecting me.  I say that because crossdressing is something that I have no choice over.  I don't take to rejection to well, especially when it comes from someone you love.

Yesterday I received an invitation to visit with a friend up north.  I told my wife I was going for the visit and all hell broke loose.  She threatened to leave me twice and the discussion got very heated.  I told her that if that was the case then there is more to it than crossdressing.  I asked her several questions....."You're willing to throw away 35 years of marriage?" "How are you going to explain this to our daughter and what are you going to tell our relatives and friends?  Her response was, "I'll lie to them."  I told her that I wouldn't lie.  I think she is just really, really frustrated with this and just can't deal with it.  I really believe she is in complete and total denial.  Yet she refuses to seek counseling and she refuses to reach out.  She's like a pressure cooker about ready to explode.

After a few minutes of yelling and so forth things quieted down a bit and we talked.  We covered a lot of old ground but we ventured into some new territory as well.  We talked for hours and she kept reiterating the same thing over and over again....."Crossdressing is wrong and I will never accept it" and "I'm sorry you married someone so unaccepting."  "I can't change the way I feel."  I told her you can change the way you feel but it takes commitment and determination but above all it takes the willingness to change, you have to want to change.  As an example, I said to her, "If you were able to quit smoking without looking back then you can change the way you feel about this."

I finally came out and told her that I felt she is rejecting "me."  This is something I was born with and can't change any more than I can change the color of my eyes.  I asked her once again to come with me to counseling but she absolutely refused stating she's not the one who needs counseling.  I can't for the life of me figure out why she is so against crossdressing.  I even asked her if she had ever had a problem or problematic relationship with another crossdresser in the past and she said, "I've never ever even met one before."  I'm at wits end on this.  I just don't know what to do any more to help her overcome her fears of this.  The only thing she will tell me is that she feels that family and friends will ostracize her for discovering that her husband is a crossdresser but I think it goes much, much deeper than that.

I told her of how the general public is so accepting (and even many employers) and that most simply don't care when they see a crossdresser.  Some smile, some stop and talk with you, some go out of their way to talk to you, some think you are a novelty, some don a strange look but keep on doing what they were doing and, of course, there will always be a very small minority not secure with themselves who can't handle it and just have to make a wise remark.  If I were to put a percentage on the acceptance versus those who can't it would have to be something like 98 percent accept and two percent will have that strange look or a wise remark.

As the days go by I keep praying that one day she will accept me for who I am and that I will have what time I have left on this planet to be whole and happy.  I told her that everyone deserves the right to be happy but that opened a catch 22.  Now we have another circle to run around in.  If I'm happy she's unhappy.  If she's happy I'm unhappy.....I really wish there were an answer....

July 2, 2005

Personal thought:

While at our TriEss picnic recently a few of us were talking about the many facets of crossdressing and its effects on a relationship. The question came up, "If two people are in love then why is it so difficult to integrate crossdressing into the relationship?" 

I started thinking about that question and thought when two people develop a lasting love they are (or should be) in love with each others inner person (their soul).  If this is true then why does one worry about superficial things.  After all, over the years our appearances and lifestyles change (sometimes radically) but the inner person is still the fuel that fires a strong, loving and lasting relationship. 

We all witness crime, birth and death, sickness, financial ups and downs, make and lose friends yet, through it all, a loving relationship grows stronger.  But when a wife or girlfriend finds out that her partner crossdresses things oft times start to unravel.  Why?  If, together, we can overcome so many obstacles throughout life and come out stronger for the experience, if our souls are truly bound then how can something as harmless as crossdressing overpower such strength?  This is one of the toughest questions to find an answer for.  I have searched my mind, books, the Internet and organizations such as TriEss and Renaissance for the answer, all to no avail.

I do, however, have some thoughts about this phenomenon.  I personally don't think it is society, as it is today, that keeps a middle aged or older significant other from accepting crossdressing.  I think it's the stigma that crossdressing brought years ago that is the stumbling block to acceptance.  Back then when little was known about this phenomenon it was considered shameful, a sickness, not to be discussed, period.  This is what was ingrained in all of us.  When a person is "set in their ways" it becomes an extremely difficult task to change those "ways."  One of the biggest stumbling blocks for a partner is the fear that they will lose their friends and family (their social acceptance and standing) should anyone find out their partner is a crossdresser.   Years ago such a revelation would have caused disgrace and shame for the partner.  This fear was very real then and it is a force that is hard to deal with today.  But, are the views society taught us back then so strong that we cast love aside today for the sake of personal social acceptance and standing?  That just doesn't make any sense to me.  We don't love society, we love each other.  Society today is much more carefree and accepting of many things that were once considered "out of bounds."  Although most consider crossdressing a bit different it is generally no longer considered shameful or a sickness.  In fact, therapists do not treat crossdressing as an illness, instead, they teach the crossdresser and their partner to accept this as a lifestyle.  The fear a partner holds onto is a conditioned fear taught to them years ago, it is a state of mind.  A state of mind can be changed if one is willing to try, it's done every day.  Change can be painful but the desire to change and the love for your partner is key! 

In many cases this "old view" will not allow a person to discuss this issue with anyone (not even their partner) making the process of learning and acceptance difficult, if not impossible.  Many wives or girlfriends, and rightly so, are so consumed by their own feelings and needs that they don't take into consideration the feelings and needs of their crossdresser.  Not only is the partner having a difficult time trying to understand and accept but the crossdresser is also suffering from the same issues.  The fact is, there are a few theories about crossdressing but there are no clear cut "answers."  They simply don't exist.  Given this, being shunned or rejected by a partner who finds out about "the secret" is often too much to bear.  For those unwilling to try to understand and accept their partner's crossdressing, they unknowingly force the crossdresser into varying degrees of depression and sometimes anger.  This depression and anger comes simply because the crossdresser wants so badly for the one person he loves the most to understand and accept.  What would happen if you found out your partner had an incurable disease?  Would you shun, reject or abandon?  Of course not that would be unthinkable!  You rally, you learn, you adjust, you support and life goes on.

During any stressful period in life discussion is absolutely essential to overcome the pain and anxiety associated with it.  Whether that discussion is with your partner, a friend or a family member you must reach out to learn what you can or the stress will overcome you.  Tension and resentment will result and a relationship will needlessly begin to strain, sometimes to the point of no return.  If you fail to reach out in an attempt to understand and the relationship crumbles how can you possibly blame crossdressing alone for it?  The fear of the unknown can be scary but if you face it together understanding and coping is well within reach.

July 26, 2005

July has five Saturdays and in those months with five Saturdays a few members of our TriEss Group get together for a kind of social evening.  I was asked if I wanted to come and told them yes, but I would have to clear it with my wife.  Well all the way home from my regular meeting I was wondering how I was going to approach the subject.  In the past, if I participated in a crossdressing "extra" during a month she reacted like I was "escalating"  and we'd always get into a heated discussion.  As a result, I was kind of dreading bringing this to her attention but I wanted to go so I mentioned it to her last night and thought I would be getting into another heated discussion.  At the onset it looked that way.  However, to my surprise, we didn't "get into it."  Instead we talked for a rather lengthy time about it and the issue of crossdressing. 

We rehashed some old ground and covered some new territory as well.  I once again told her that I had accepted that she didn't want to accept my crossdressing and that I have learned to live with that.  However, I went on to let her know that, since I couldn't talk to her openly (about crossdressing issues) when I needed to, I wanted and needed to be around friends with whom I can relate and can understand.  And the only way to be around them is to go out more often.  She was worried that I would want to go out every weekend and what she was going to tell anyone who asked where I was.  I told her that we are adults and you don't have to explain to anyone.  If she wanted to say something I told her to simply say I went out with friends and leave it at that.

I also brought up a rather large concern of mine.  And that is, since I am approaching sixty I am wondering just how many good healthy years I have left.  I told her that I have worked hard all my life to please and do for everyone else and asked when it would be my turn to enjoy the added happiness of being a complete person.  At first she rejected that as foolish thinking and scoffed at me for mentioning it but after thinking about it for a minute or two she realized that it really is irrefutable.  The whole conversation quieted down to a nice quiet discussion.

She is still dead set against seeing me dressed or participating in any way.  But I think we have reached a better understanding of each other's needs.  She actually told me that she didn't mind me going out (of course, I would have to get dressed wherever it was that I was going) but does not want crossdressing to interfere with family or other important outings.  If I make a commitment to a crossdressing event and an import family or other event comes up she expects me to go.  I told her I didn't have a problem with that as long as things don't just suddenly start popping up every time I have somewhere to go.  She promised she wouldn't do that and I believe her.  We both agreed to share each others calendars and that neither of us would make a commitment without first talking about it.  Which is only fair.

Another crossdresser and her wife asked me if my wife and I would like to have dinner with them some evening.  I immediately said that, given the way she feels about crossdressing, I have a better chance of finding gold in my driveway.  But since our conversation was very calm and open I thought I would bring it up to her.  I mean, what's the worse she could say NO!  I asked her and she said that she wouldn't mind.  Needless to say, I did a triple double take and said, "What did you say?"  Again she said, "she wouldn't mind.  I'm not against making new friends."  "But," she said.  I thought to myself, "Uh, oh here it comes."  She simply asked that he not be dressed and that we not discuss anything crossdressing related.  She said that she didn't want to see or talk about anything she wasn't ready to handle.  Wow!  I can't believe that she was willing to do this.  I agreed with her and told her that I would present her request to the couple and, if they agreed, would set up a date.  I emailed the couple, they agreed and we will simply spend a nice quiet evening have dinner and getting to know each other.

I keep wanting to believe that my wife will eventually come around but the clock keeps ticking and the first two years hasn't produced much more than tolerance.  In any event, I keep hoping.

October 7, 2005

Well it's been nearly two and a half years since my wife discovered that I am a crossdresser.  I've heard many times that we need to give our partners time to deal with this issue.  Two nights ago my wife came to me at around 11:15 pm and said, "I want to ask you a question."  Silently I said to myself, "Uh oh, it's kind of late, this can't be good."  She asked in the familiar tone of disgust, "Why are you growing you nails so long?  They are longer than mine.  You think they look good on a man?  Well, do you?"  I thought for a few seconds and then replied, "I like them that way."  And for the first time I began to show a little anger myself.  She said, "Do you want to talk about it?"  And I finally said, "There is nothing to talk about any more."  Well, she stormed off to bed angry and once again I gave into her wishes and cut my nails back as close as I could.  I don't mind telling you I was pissed.  Not because of cutting my nails back but because after two and one half years she has made absolutely NO progress towards understanding. 

We didn't speak for two days.  She called me on the phone on the third day and asked if I was still angry...I told her, "Yes, but I guess it is something I will have to get over."  And, not giving in, she said, "I'm sorry I make you so angry."  She is impossible!

I think she needs to pull her head out of the sand and come down out of her perfect world!  Her husband crossdresses and that will never change.  Her stubbornness is really beginning to where on me and, I feel, on our marriage in a negative way.  How dare her think that she is the only one with feelings and concerns.

With this incident, I have never been more convinced that she will NEVER come to understand, let alone accept.  I'm 58 years old and for my entire life I have given everything to everyone else.  When will it be my turn to finally feel like a whole person and enjoy the golden years I have left.  I do know one thing for certain......given my age, if something were to happen to my health that would severely impact my ability to dress I would never forgive her for keeping me from that enjoyment.

If I sound a little depressed and annoyed it's because I am........

January 3, 2006

Well, here I sit, en femme, in front of my computer on the dawn of a new year.  What will this year bring?  Will it continue to bring tolerance, acceptance or separation?  At this point I am not sure but whatever shall come I am prepared.  I've gone through so many high's and low's and some of the low's have brought on bouts of depression.  Over the last 32 months since my wife's discovery of my femme side very little has changed in her attitude towards my dressing.  Conversations have all but stopped, unless she feels I'm "escalating."  As it turns out she has a stubborn side to her I never knew existed.  She simply will not budge one iota when it comes to this. She still refuses to look at my clothes and god forbid I should say the word "panty."  She still has not seen me dressed and absolutely refuses to do so.

I can probably learn to live with this condition but I need to continue on with my life, my whole life.  I have decided that I am going to request a certain amount of latitude, if you will.  To date, I have moved from my small closet to a bigger closet, my house.  Oh, I do get out once in a while to meetings and such but I find that this is simply not enough.  I need to spread my wings a bit.  I need to be able to make new friends that share a common bond.  Being locked in the house doesn't allow me to visit other crossdressers and, perhaps, develop close friendships.  No phone calls, no one is permitted to visit me while they are dressed and I rarely get an opportunity to visit another crossdresser.  You simply cannot develop friendships under those conditions.  Requesting additional latitude will most assuredly bring on a certain amount of hostility on her part.  This latitude adjustment will be seen as an escalation, I'm sure. Whether that hostility jeopardizes our marriage is yet to be seen.

I don't think what I will request could really be viewed as the KICS (Kid in the Candy Store) syndrome, that's not my intention.  I consider it more like maturing.  I'm going to try to list a few things that I think may be obtainable. Keep in mind this is not a list of demands but simply some things that would most likely help to move things forward for me.

I'd like the ability to visit other crossdressers as the opportunity arises and not feel like I will be put through the grinder for asking.

I'd like the ability to dress at home and then go out and return home dressed.  I would take every precaution not to let our neighbors see me coming or going.  It is just so much easier than trying to pack everything in a bag and go. I inevitably forget things and clothes get wrinkled. And in most cases the lighting (where I end up dressing) is terrible and with my eyesight it is much easier to do my makeup at home where the light is excellent.

I think it is time to let her know that I have been out in public many, many times and feel very comfortable doing so and that I will continue to venture out. I wouldn't go out in my home town or surrounding towns because I am very well known. But she needs to understand that when I am dressed and with my makeup on it is very difficult for anyone we know to recognize me by appearance only.....voice is a different story, as mine is very recognizable.

I would also want my own closet to hang my things. Right now they are in my regular closet but are quite literally stuffed into two cloth garment bags that are busting at the seams and the clothes are terribly wrinkled. I take a great deal of pride in how I look and somehow wrinkled clothes just doesn't help appearances.

My jewelry is thrown into a box and my necklaces get tangled. I'd like to have a small jewelry box to keep things organized, even if I keep that box in my closet.

I would like to groom my nails so that they would look okay for both guy mode and with nail polish.

These are a few things that I will try to get her to allow.....These can all occur without her being involved. I also plan to talk to her about just how depressed I have been lately and why. I have no idea whether or not I will be creating the great Third World War but I have to try to communicate these desires to her and see what happens.

January 31, 2006

Could this be a turn of events? I'm not sure. 

I was sitting here dressed this evening and looking at a few pictures on my computer that I had taken earlier in the day.  As usual when my wife is home my door was closed.  She was in a good mood.  I had to go to the ladies room so I let my wife know so she could cover her eyes.  When she told me she was ready I opened the door and left the room with the pictures still up on my computer screen, leather jacket on my chair and my purse on the floor (thinking I would be right back).  While I was in the bathroom my wife told me she wanted to put some mail on my desk.  For some reason I had forgotten that the pictures were up on the screen and the other stuff around or on my chair.  Anyway, I said, "go ahead, I'll be in the bathroom for a few minutes."  She put the mail on my desk and went back into the kitchen.  I came out of the bathroom and back into my computer room.  As I walked in I realized what I had done and what she had seen and I felt my heart sink.  I purposely asked her a question and her mood was decidedly different.  SHE HAD SEEN MY PICTURES, MY JACKET AND MY PURSE!!!!  She went down to the bedroom and as she walked passed my closed door she said, "I'm going to be in the bedroom for a while, you can open the door now.  But her tone of voice was that of a depressed person.

As I mulled over the ramifications of her discovery of my pictures I heard my brother-in-law's truck pull into our driveway.  I immediately shut down the computer, grabbed all of my stuff and went to the bedroom door to tell her that her brother was here.  She panicked and said, "What the hell am I going to tell him?"  I said, "I'll go into the bathroom, turn on the water in the tub and you tell him I just got into the shower."  I went into the bathroom, closed the door and she came out of the bedroom to answer the front door.  After a few minutes came around to the bedroom door entrance to the bathroom and said something that I couldn't hear because of the water running in the tub.  She repeated it several times and I still couldn't hear.  She was talking low enough so as not to let her brother hear what she was saying.  Finally, I cracked open the door, asked her to repeat what she had said and I still couldn't hear her. 

Well.......I finally opened the door all the way and there we are face to face for the first time while I was dressed.....I'm dressed to the 9's and she's in panic mode.  I was surprised that she had a nonchalant expression on her face while she was looking right at me.  She said, "You are going to have to change because he wants to ask you something."  I said, "Okay stall him for about twenty minutes and I will change, get rid of my nail polish and makeup and then come out."  Which she did.....

When I finally came out he asked me his question and we had a short conversation about a few things and then he left (never suspecting what he had walked in on).  After he left, my wife looked at me and I looked at her thinking the brown stuff was going to hit the fan.  She walked from the front door back into the kitchen and said, "Wow....that went well....How the hell did you get undressed and take off the nail polish and makeup in that short amount of time?"  I jokingly told her with a half smile on my face that that was exactly what I used to do before you knew about my crossdressing so I have plenty of experience."  Then she started to laugh, as did I.  I thought to myself that this went rather well.  She saw my pictures on the computer screen, my purse and jacket and she's seen me dressed, I almost got caught by my brother-in-law (all in one evening) and she's laughing.  Wow! 

For a brief moment in time I thought that maybe this was the evening that will change things around a bit and perhaps she won't mind seeing me dressed around the house now.  I was elated!  I walked out of the room for a minute and then back in and she was again laughing out loud.....I said with a smile on my face, "What?"  And she said, "I have to tell you....(slight pause but still laughing).... that you make one ugly woman!  At least in the dim light."  My jaw and my heart hit the floor and I felt so empty and alone.  How could someone you love so much (even inadvertently) crush you like that?  Those two short sentences devastated me so much so that I almost started to cry but I held back with all my might  Now I know I don't have the facial features a woman but hearing her say that just tore me up.  I take a great deal of pride in how I dress and how I look.

I went back into my computer room and closed the door......I sat there with a tear in my eye and thought about what she had just said.  At first, I thought it was mean and heartless of her to say that and I was hurt.  Then I began to wonder if perhaps it was a defense mechanism of sorts.  I know it has to be a shock to see, for the first time,  your man dressed as a woman.  Well, call me stubborn, but I convinced myself to hold onto the idea that it was her defenses saying that and she wasn't trying to be heartless.

Well, I guess time will tell.....the next time I get dressed I think I will know for sure whether or not it was a defensive statement. 

Even though we come to accept ourselves for who we are there is still so much pain in being crossdresser.......

March 24, 2006

In my last entry, I was wondering whether or not my wife and I had reached a turning point.  I was so elated that we were unexpectedly forced to take another step and just thinking about her perhaps moving towards acceptance kept me awake for nights on end.  The next few times I dressed I was very cognizant of her every word and studied her body language looking for some indication that she would want to meet my feminine persona.  The first time I dressed after our encounter with her brother, the evening went just as they had gone for the last two and a half years.  All the elation I had experienced washed away like sand on a beach.  I was so disappointed.

After several days I dressed again and, not expecting anything different from her, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw her sort of peeking,  from the kitchen, into the computer room (where I was sitting).  The lights were out but there was enough light coming from my computer monitor and the TV set for her to see how I was dressed.  She realized that I had seen her peeking in and began a short conversation.  The whole time she was looking at me while we were talking.  She even ventured over to the doorway to my room.  I thought, WOW!!!!, it looks like she is finally coming to accept my feminine side!  Happiness filled my heart once again.  The conversation was short but it felt absolutely fabulous to be talking to her, face to face, while I was dressed.

A few days later I dressed again and thought that we would make more progress. Nope! Nada! Zip!  She never even once looked at me and reverted back to closing her eyes when I would walk out of the room into another room.  I just couldn't believe it.....The happiness and anticipation that I felt as I was dressing was quickly dashed into oblivion.  Damn!  Doesn't she realize what she is doing to me?  Once again I became somewhat depressed and began thinking negative thoughts.

The next time I dressed I had no hopes for anything.  To my surprise she peeked in on me several times.  I began to think about this a little bit and I realized that she is trying to get used to seeing her husband in a dress, makeup and wig in the same way someone goes into cold water when swimming.  Go in a little, get used to the temperature and then go in a little more until you get used to it then jump in.....Why didn't I see this before?  It seems that the sadness and depression I felt was uncalled for.  I guess I had to go through it so I could look past the trees to see the forest.

I think we are continuing to make progress, albeit not as quickly as I would like but we are, nonetheless, making progress and I feel encouraged by this.  My only hope is that she doesn't stop at this level.  I am approaching my 59th birthday and I am still healthy but as much as I hate to admit it time is so important to me.  Do I think she will ever get to a point of complete acceptance?  In a word, "No."  Do I think she will ever accept that I go out in public dressed?  In a word, "No."  Even though we are making progress there are so many hurdles to overcome and so little time.  Life is so short.....she needs happiness and I, too, need happiness.  Given those parameters our future is far from certain.

******* April 2, 2006 *******

Tonight my wife and I shared a new birth in our lives.  Becky Lynn Anderson has finally come to life in the eyes of my wife.  I have to be honest with you, I never thought this night would ever come to pass!!!!!  And, there is not enough storage space on Comcast servers for me to describe how I feel inside.  Right now I am the happiest man in the world!!!!  My words simply cannot describe just how proud I am of her.  I've loved her so much over the years but have never loved her as much as I do today!

Here are the events that brought this miracle about.

Last week I had received a few advertisements through the mail.  One was from Bloomington's.  This upset her terribly.  She asked me rather curtly if I had been shopping there and I told her no.  She didn't believe it and the conversation died at that point.  All week I could feel the tension building in her and I knew at some point there was going to be a blow up and started to prepare myself for the worse.   By Friday evening her anger had built up enough to pop the cork and we began a three hour conversation that started out with words like, "What do you want?  Do you want me to leave? Do you want to leave?"  The anger lasted nearly an hour.  But her anger suddenly turned to sobbing and tears.  After all this time she revealed to me her deepest fear.  She was so afraid that I wanted to start hormones and become a woman.    She was afraid of our future and where she fit in.  She was afraid of what was going to happen to her.

I told her that I loved her and I could not go through the rest of my life without her by my side.  I explained that she has been in love with both sides of me since she has known me, she just never realized it.  My feminine side is what has helped to make me who I am today.  I'm not abusive in any way, I don't drink or do drugs and I've never been unfaithful.  I have never refused help to anyone in the past even if it meant considerable sacrifice on my behalf.  I have always done for others and have never asked for anything in return.

I explained to her that I have never wanted to nor do I ever want to become a woman.  I told her that if that were the case I could have purchased hormones over the Internet as easily as candy at the corner store.  I told her that I have come to fully accept myself for who I am, the way I am and would never want to change anything.  I explained to her that I simply want to look, act and smell like a woman and it's not because I have sexual desires when I am dressed.  I don't, either with her or other men or even self gratification. I just have a deep rooted need to dress like a woman.  I told her that I felt she was rejecting me because of something that I was, in all probability born with and, as such, have very little control over. 

I also told her that I have absolutely no right to make her unhappy because of this but I simply can't take a pill and make it go away.  In fact, no human being has a right to make another human being so unhappy.  I think she thought about that for a minute and realized just how unhappy I have been at her non-acceptance because with that the tone of conversation changed.  It became more relaxed and constructive. 

She asked why I have to use makeup and a wig.  I talked about the pride I take at looking as much like a woman as I can given what I have to work with and some of the conversation even aroused a smile on her face.

We talked about what other wives do to handle this.  Honestly, I told her I didn't know and this was one of the reasons she should begin to talk with other Crossdresser's wives.  She said that she didn't want to talk anyone who was all lovely dovey with this.  She wanted to talk with other woman who want this to go away in an effort to find out how they can accept their husbands and how they could possibly go to meetings with them, etc.

We talked about being out in public and what other people thought about us.  I told her that as a general rule people don't really care.  Sure we get looks but that's just about it.  When shopping the clerks are always so helpful and pleasurable.  Our money is a green as anyone else's.  I also told her that if crossdressing were not so common then why Is the State of New Jersey putting a bill through that would protect the rights of transgendered and transgender expression.

After nearly three hours our discussion was coming to a close.  We covered a lot of ground and I was sure if we have really made much progress.  Shortly after our conversation she asked me if I was angry with her and I said of course not.  I asked her if she was angry at me and she said she wasn't.  She then said, "I will really try harder."  And that was it for the evening.

Now here it is Sunday afternoon and I asked if she would mind if I dressed and she said, "No, not at all."  As I dressed she was cooking dinner.  We always eat dinner separately when I am dressed and we did the same this evening.  My thoughts drifted back to Friday evening and her last comment.....I thought to myself, "Well, it seems that nothing has changed."  After dinner she finished up the dishes and began to make our lunches to tomorrow.  She was in the kitchen and I was in my computer room when she turned towards the room and asked if I had taken my pill yet.  I turned towards her not expecting to see her looking right at me and I said I hadn't taken it yet.  Then she asked me what I wanted for lunch tomorrow.  Now with the time change it was still broad daylight and she could clearly see me.  For some reason I got up and walked into the kitchen and there we were face to face only a few feet apart having a conversation about lunches.  I know that had to be so hard for her but she carried on like a true champion and never even showed the slightest bit of fear.  I couldn't even detect it in her voice.  From that point on we talked with each other like two people just having a conversation.  I could feel the excitement and elation building inside of me.  She said to me, "I told you I would try harder!"  I told her how proud I was of her! 

Oh my God, I thought, this is it!  On this day Becky is born!  I almost wanted to cry!  For hours we chatted about everything.  Then she settled down to watch QVC on the television and commented that she was trying to find a cord for a new charm she had.  She came into my computer room and together we searched QVC's website and found several that she like.  I suggested to her that she go ahead and buy them, which she did.  She called me out again to see a wristwatch with interchangeable bands.  I walked out there, sat on the arm of the love seat and watched the segment with her.  I told her how pretty it was and asked her if she would mind if I bought that for myself and she said, "Not at all."  And with a grin said, "Not with my charge card!"  I chuckled and said, "Darn it!" 

My God!  What a change of events!  Just when you think all hope is gone miracles happen!

April 5, 2005

Just four short days since my last entry and here I am making another!  I am just so happy!!!!

I dressed again today (black slacks, ivory turtleneck and low heeled pumps) after coming home from work but was very cautious in my thinking of what would happen tonight.  I didn't want to build my hopes up only to be dashed once again.  My wife came in from work just as I was finishing my makeup and we said hello to each other from separate rooms.  After finishing my makeup and dressing I inhaled deeply, walked down the hall with much anticipation and into my computer room where I sat down and began applying my nail polish. 

She was in the kitchen slicing up a ham she had cooked last evening and was complaining about how hard it was to use the electric carving knife (whenever something needs to be carved I'm always the one to do it).  I asked her if she wanted me to come in and finish carving the ham and she said yes.  Well.......I had a smile from one ear to the other, finished my nail polish  and quickly walked in.  As I started to take the carving knife from her she said, "But your nails are still wet."  I couldn't believe she just told me my nails were wet, I just lit up inside like a Roman Candle!!!  I told her I used "Out the Door" on them and that they would be dry enough for me to carve with if I were careful......

So there I was dressed as a woman and helping my wife out in the kitchen.  Oh......My.....God!!!!!!  A feeling came over me like nothing I've ever felt before but it was so warm and just so wonderful.  As I was carving, she continued on with cooking some side dishes.  After I finished I set the table and throughout this time we were talking like two girlfriends getting ready to have dinner.  I went back into my computer room for a few minutes and the next thing you know she's telling me dinner is ready.  I'm thinking to myself, "This can't be!  I think she means for me to come in there and sit down to dinner with her!"  As I walked into the kitchen I expected her to go to another room just as she had done for the past three years.  BUT NOT THIS TIME!!!!  She sat down and so did I!  I just couldn't believe it!  Here we are having dinner together and I'm dressed as a woman!  It took everything I had to maintain my composure.  We took our time eating and engaged in a great conversation.  At some point during that conversation I told her that I felt as awkward about this as she did.....and that I was so used to being alone in my room.  I also told her that I was soooooo proud of her for having the courage to push her fear out of the way like this.

What a great evening this is.  Becky is only four days old and already I'm sitting here having dinner with my wife.  She has made me the happiest person in the world.  However, I am not forgetting that there will be bad days as well as good.  And as time goes by the good days will begin to flourish.

April 26, 2006

Well it has been a while since I have posted about my situation here at home.  I guess it's time for an update ;-)

Initially, I really thought that this turnaround by my wife would only be temporary.  I am so happy to report that it has not!  I have been dressed probably a dozen times since my last post and it's it like we have always been girlfriends.  She has no inhibitions about seeing me fully dressed.  We have had dinner together each time and I've helped her out in the kitchen as I have always done.  After dinner we would either watch some TV or play some computer games together.  We freely talk about favorite nail polishes and many things I could have only dreamed about a month ago.  We shop QVC together and, although she hasn't voluntarily bought me any girly things, she has picked up things that I have asked her to buy for me while she was shopping :-) 

She also knows I come home from my meetings and visits with friends dressed.  And, I sleep in a night gown.  I still cannot get dressed and leave the house but that's not to hard to deal with. 

A few weeks ago she asked me if I was happier now that I can be open with her.  I told her that I was so much more happy and that I was so proud of her for trying so hard to accept my feminine desires.  I asked her if she finds it difficult to see me dressed and, to my surprise, she says she doesn't mind at all.  She does, however, feel guilty about having to lie to someone about where I am (if I am out to a meeting or something). 

One night last week I was writing an email to a new friend about makeup suggestions when she came into the computer room.  I told her what I was writing and she quipped, "Huh, the blind leading the blind."  I asked her if my makeup looked that bad and she said, "No, not really."  So, as you can see, she is getting more and more comfortable and more relaxed with seeing her husband dressing as a woman. 

I have to tell you, I just sparkle when I'm with her!  It is so fabulous to have her accepting the way she does now!  It has made such a huge difference in my life and, I think, in hers.   We still have a long way to go and I'm sure there will probably be many ups and downs but at least we are now taking this journey together.

May 30, 2006

I am so happy to say that my wife and I are becoming more comfortable being together while I am dressed.  As much as I hate to admit it, the first few times that I was dressed in front of her was as uncomfortable for me as I imagined it would be for her.  I didn't want to "let my hair down" in front of her for fear of what she might think of me.  As it turned out I had "nothing to fear but fear itself." 

She has been fabulously adaptive to her somewhat new surroundings (seeing and interacting with her husband dressed as a woman).  It's funny how we both have changed our positions on this.  She was so dead set against crossdressing and I never thought she would ever begin the journey to understanding and acceptance.  I think ours is the perfect example of just how a strong relationship can and will endure.  God knows we both had so many negative thoughts and there was so much uncertainty of what the future would bring in the last three years but here we are, together, and we are both learning, understanding and growing.

I think there are two reasons for this.  She was willing to open her heart and mind to something new and different and I didn't push her into something she was not ready for.  I didn't expose her to the KICS (Kid in a Candy Store) syndrome that so many of us suffer from when our spouses show a little acceptance.  Although I felt like I wanted to explode, I worked desperately to "keep a lid on it."  Now, I am so happy I did because she can take this in as little or as much as she feels she can, she sets the pace.  We continue to advance each and every day.  Some days it is barely perceptible and yet on other days the advancement is much more significant.  And there always seems to be positive advancement.

This past weekend brought the most significant change so far.  On Saturday AND Sunday We went shopping together and bought outfits for both of us.  Although I was not en femme it was fabulous to shop with her.  She asked my advice on her outfits and I asked hers on mine.  God it was wonderful!!!   On Saturday she bought five tops and four pairs of slacks and I bought four tops and two pair of shorts.  On Sunday she bought more tops and I bought two pairs of sandals, a pair of white Capri's and another cami style top in lavender.  Monday she returned some of the items she bought because she felt they didn't fit her like they should and also returned one of the pairs of sandals I bought (the fit was to tight).  While she was out she called from the store and told me she had bought me two more pairs of thong style sandals.  Wow!  I couldn't believe this weekend!

Since the day of her discovery of me I have prayed for the day when she could begin to accept my feminine side.   As I began to reach out to the transgendered community everyone told me to be patient and that time would heal all wounds.  There were many times when I became impatient and depressed because (based on our conversations) the future just looked so bleak.  For the longest time I thought there was absolutely no hope of her coming to accept this side of me.  I had even thought of leaving.  I guess that was the depression and perhaps a little self pity taking clouding my judgment.  But somewhere deep within me there still burned a candle.....a small flame of hope and I never really gave up.  Then one day, out of the clear blue sky, she opened her heart and let me in, all of me.  We still have a very long way to go in our journey and have many feelings and thoughts to explore.  I think it is so important for me not to succumb to temptation and to just let time dictate how far we go and when to move forward.

September 15, 2006

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated my diary since May but I have had little opportunity.

A lot has happened since then yet nothing has really changed.  Sounds a little cryptic, I know, so I'll try to explain. 

I was so thrilled that my wife had started allowing me to dress in her presence, almost proud.  It was like I had found the proverbial "Pot of Gold" at the end of the rainbow!  Suddenly, I found myself a much happier person.  I think that was because I was finally able to be a complete person.  To be able to openly share my feminine side, which has been so suppressed for over fifty years, with the person I loved the most. 

She would make occasional comments about my appearance, nothing negative, more like suggestions.  She had taken the initiative to critique my makeup and suggested I go a little lighter on it.  I took her advice and it does look much better.

We would spend a great deal of time shopping together online, on TV and at our local mall.  We would watch QVC and comment about the jewelry or clothes or shoes, etc.  Of course, when at the mall, I was always en drab and had to talk in whispers.  She was constantly checking to see if anyone was in earshot of our conversation.  But it became commonplace for me to comment on things we were looking at.  Terms like cute and adorable became an integral part of my vocabulary.  We'd shop for cloths, shoes, jewelry and sometimes lingerie for me.  On occasion she would surprise me with earrings she thought I would like, clip-on of course, and she would sometimes pick up makeup for me when I needed it.  She has given me pocketbooks she had bought and decided she didn't like.  She has even come into the bathroom as I am putting my makeup on and I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties and a slip.  And she seemed comfortable with this.  I had many reasons to feel we were making progress.  This is so great!!!  I would think to myself, "Wow, I can't believe how much things have changed."  And to think that, on the first night of her discovery of my feminine needs, she made the comment, "If you think we're ever going to sit around and chat like two girlfriends you are out of your mind!" 

But in recent months my euphoria has begun to wane.  The reason for this was her unspoken words and actions.  After being married for 36 years I am very attuned to these aspects of her personality.  Back in April I really thought that she was on the road to acceptance and that we could finally take this journey together.  I've been very patient taking each day as it came, being very careful not to put her in any situation that would make her uncomfortable.  I kind of let her take the lead. 

However, lately she seems to be more paranoid than ever.  The drapes are drawn closed anytime I am dressed.  She has found excuses to come home late from work or to go out only on the nights I dress.  When I am dressed and she is home after dark she turns out the lights.  I feel like I live in a dungeon with no windows.  Her attitude changes markedly and she seems to get agitated easily, all signs that she is uncomfortable about all of this.  Yet she has not taken the initiative to talk about what is bothering her.  Of course, this is not a new trait.  It usually takes a confrontation of some sort for her to open up.  This is not healthy for her nor does it do a great deal to keep stress out of our relationship.

As a side affect I have spent so much time trying to help her along that I have slowly and unintentionally distanced myself from the many transgendered friends I have made.  This saddens me tremendously.

All in all, I feel that her acceptance of my dressing is like shoveling that brown stuff against the wind.  Sooner or later it's going to splatter all over me or her or our relationship.  Although I try to keep an open mind about this I am finding it more and more difficult to keep on going like this.  Sooner or later something has to give.  I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future held for me, for us.  I'm going to be 60 next year, so how many years do I have left?  Do I have to struggle all the way to the end or can just a few of those years be complete, happy and enjoyable?  All million dollar questions.

November 9, 2006

The downward spiral seems to continue as of this entry.  On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is no toleration or worse and 10 is complete acceptance, she is at a 2. She does accommodate my dressing to a point, but that is it. She will "allow" me to dress around the house but never during the day and in the evening she draws the curtains closed and shuts out all but the dimmest of lights. I think there's more light from emanating torch in a dungeon than in our house. I cannot dress at home and go out to meetings or to occasionally meet friends. I cannot come home while dressed even though it is pitch black at that time.

(Note: "She will "allow" me?  I'm going to be sixty years old.  I'm not a teenager lacking common sense.  How gracious of her......I don't allow or disallow anything she does.  She's an adult capable of making sound, rational decisions.  She knows what she can do or can't do or what is right or wrong.  Who am I to allow or disallow anything she does???  If I don't like something she does I express my feelings but I don't stop her. )

The tension continues to build slowly but as surely as the sun rises and sets each day.  She's becoming more distant now then ever in our marriage.  She spends her free hours at home watching TV or on some other activity in another room.  And when we talk it seems it's only because we have to and there is tension in her every word.  I don't like where this is going,  I have tried so hard to maintain a level head about this and to be patient and understanding but I fear I'm starting to lose it, at least within my mind.  We simply cannot go on like this. 

She has a mind that, once made up, cannot be changed.  A fact that she may be proud of but in the real world has no place.  This is more evident now than ever.   She still refuses to reach out to other wives to discuss her feelings.  She's like a pressure cooker.  I've tried to get her to come to a support group meeting but have had the same stubborn reaction that I've always gotten from her.......NO!  Just tonight I mentioned to her that at our next support group meeting they will be taking a count to see who is coming to our Christmas party and asked her if she would be interested in coming.  Again there was a one word answer, NO!  Each time I ask her something like that (which is not very often) she'll come in a little later and say something like, "Now you're mad at me aren't you?"  And each time I tell her in my most pleasant voice, "No, I'm not mad" even though I'm devastated and hurt inside.  And each time I get this type of answer my discontent seems to swell and I get depressed.  I must continue to put on a pleasant face, that's what makes it so difficult.  I've been hiding my crossdressing for so many years and now that she knows I must continue to disguise my feelings.  Somehow I think this is unhealthy and just adds fuel to a smoldering fire.

It's funny how a little bit of time, knowledge and support can put one's mental state onto a different plane. Having been out and about quite a bit in the last year or so has also taught me that societal views seem to be changing at an accelerated rate towards accommodating us in public. Yet, in private, crossdressing is still looked at in horror by those who do not crossdress, especially by those closest to us, those whom we love and need the most. This obviously is not true in all cases but is true in most.

I've said this before, in the last couple of years (since my wife's discovery of my feminine side) I have come to accept me for who I am. What is giving me the most difficulty during this time is trying to enlighten a wife who has absolutely no desire to be enlightened. Her head is buried so deeply in that proverbial sand and denial is so firmly planted within her mind. This is very frustrating and very depressing to me. She will spare nothing to avoid having to deal with this. Let me say that I am fully aware of the fact that she did not ask for this, I understand that. By the same token, I didn't ask for this either.

I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep up the charade.  God knows, I have recently had serious thoughts of leaving the marriage but my love for her is still strong enough to keep me here.  However, I'm afraid that may be changing.  What else am I to do?  I love her but she just will not change and I can't change.  Even the strongest of rocks will crumble to sand if the elements beat on it long enough.  A catch twenty-two if there ever was one.....................

December 31, 2006

Well here I am, on the eve of another new year, sitting at my computer contemplating what the upcoming year may bring.  This is probably the only time during the year that I look deeply at where I've been, what I've done and where I'm going.  And this year, it saddens me to be searching for a future and not have a clue as to what is going to happen.   In many ways it is frightening.

Crossdressing is NOT my life but I am amazed at just how much it consumes my thoughts and for that matter, my life.  I'm not talking about what outfit I'm going to wear or how I'm going improve my makeup or anything like that.  What I'm talking about are issues like love, marriage, disruption, denial, anxiety, guilt, confusion, peace, acceptance and so much more.  These are all issues that consumed me when I was buried deeply in the proverbial closet.  The obvious questions might be, "Why do I feel this way now, when I am out to my wife?", "Shouldn't most of those issues be gone if she knows?" and "Since I have accepted myself completely why should they even be a concern at all?"  The answers are as illusive as the reasons for why I crossdress.  Although I have fully accepted the hand I was dealt in life the fact remains that those issues are more prominent now than ever before.  As much as I hate to say this, crossdressing has been and always will be a source of torment and uneasiness for me until it can be accepted by those I hold dearest.  Someone once said that crossdressing was a gift.  I couldn't disagree more.......

Over the last few years I have tried desperately to help my wife come to terms with, and hopefully come to accept, this part of me.  She is stubborn in her ways and in her beliefs and nothing that I have offered has been able to open her mind or change her views.  Early on she reached a level she was comfortable with and nothing, absolutely nothing, will change that.  She acknowledges that I am a crossdresser and she acknowledges that it won't go away yet she refuses to take part in any way.  The sad thing is that while she has reached a level she is comfortable with she is failing to see what her beliefs are doing to me.  She doesn't see my frustration and, at times, my anger and depression.  She doesn't see how much it hurts to be rejected by her.  In our golden years we are spending less time together instead of more.  We are becoming more distant than ever before instead of coming closer together.  Her stubborn ways are becoming part of a recipe for a failed relationship.  Why?  Because she is unwilling to accept change or reach out or try to learn and understand?  Where is the fairness in that?  Where is love?  Where is marriage?

For me it seems that love is somewhat like a camp fire........It starts with a spark, smolders a bit then roars into flames to burn intensely.  In time, the roaring flames settle to an even blaze as long as the fuel is constant.  For most, this is true.  But for others there are fewer logs brought to the fire and the flames lessen.  Why this happens I'm not sure.  And, for a few, the flames continue to lessen until there are only embers that, eventually, cool and die.

I have always thought of marriage as a lifetime commitment, or at least it is supposed to be.  In order for marriage to work it takes a great deal of effort from both to adjust, to learn and to cope with what life offers.  Love is the fuel that fires the marriage and when love is strong the marriage will survive until death do you part.  If love begins to fade a marriage begins to crumble.  It can sometimes crumble to nothing more than a platonic relationship, one in which partners are more like friends than lovers.  Or, worse yet, it can crumble to separation and then divorce.

When I'm alone I find myself imagining what life would be without her.  And the funny thing is that after almost 37 years of marriage I can't imagine life without her.  Deep inside of me there is still a tiny flicker of hope that she will come to understand.

On this eve of 2007 I find no comfort in what tomorrow may bring.  I'm afraid I will have to take each day as it comes and learn to deal with what ever may happen.

July 5, 2007

Things have been kind of static since I last posted an entry into my diary but a few weeks ago, on the morning of my Triess Chapter Picnic, my wife and I had a major blow up.

I had dressed the night before and, as I normally do on Friday evenings, I also put on my favorite nail polish.  Of late, when dressing on Friday evenings, I usually leave my nail polish on overnight and remove it Saturday morning after having had my morning coffee.  As it happens, Saturday was our Triess Chapter's annual picnic.  I was planning on going up early in the morning to dress and meet some friends; we were going to go to New Hope, PA. to do some shopping.  I didn't set the alarm clock but at around 8:00 am my wife awakened me to ask what time I was leaving and to let me know the time.  When I heard 8:00am I said, "Oh no!" and jumped out of bed almost in panic mode, I was planning on leaving by 9:00am. I really, really hate being late for something.  I had to shower, shave and gather my clothes and makeup and get out the door.  After taking care of the necessities and packing all my "stuff" I said to my wife that I don't have time to take my nail polish off and was going to make the drive with it on.  That simple sentence was the detonator, she went ballistic.  She immediately made it known to me that she was angry about that decision.  After her comments my anger level also rose.  For months I had a feeling deep inside that this blowup was inevitable, I didn’t know when but I knew it was coming.  She doesn’t verbalize very often about my crossdressing but, instead, her attitude and body language make it clear what she is thinking..

I gathered my stuff and headed out the back door (which she angrily locked) and I was fuming that she was so upset.  I loaded my things into the back seat of my truck, closed the back door and just suddenly said to myself, "That's it, I've had it!  I'm not going!  This is it!"  I got my stuff out of the truck and headed back inside.  As I walked inside she looked at me and I told her, "I'm not going!"  She said curtly , "You do what you want."  I called my friend and told her that I wasn't coming because my wife and I were about to have the "Big One."  After I hung up the phone I walked back into the kitchen where she was sitting and we got into it.  No holds barred.  This was unquestionably the worst fight we have had since she first discovered my crossdressing.

During our conversation we rehashed and re-argued all of the things we had in all of our previous discussions.  This time however, we both showed our anger with each other.  In the past I tried really hard to suppress my feelings and my anger or discontent because I knew how hard it was on her.  On this morning I found that I could no longer contain it and, quite frankly, I didn't care what the outcome was going to be.  She hadn't really said anything over the last year in a negative fashion about my crossdressing BUT her body language has always spoken volumes.  I would mention something related to the subject and her eyes would roll or the muscles in her face would tense up or her attitude would suddenly change or she would become strangely quiet and the list goes on.  She would always choose to go out on the nights that I dressed.  After months and months of seeing this negativity flow from her I had finally had enough.

Knowing what her attitude was and is towards crossdressing I had over the years chosen not to mention many of the details of my crossdressing lifestyle.  In part, to shield her from having to deal with something that she was having a hard time dealing with and because I didn't want to bear the wrath.  At times this course of action has lead to me not telling her the whole truth about going out dressed, about wearing panties 24/7, about sleeping in a nightgown (we sleep in separate bedrooms only because of me intense snoring), etc.

To move on, we intensely battled back and forth, she threatened to leave, I threatened to leave.  I told her, "with you it's always Me, Me, Me and you don't give a damn about my feelings and what I am going through.   All you care about is what would happen to your social standing if people found out that you were married to a crossdresser."   She told me, "It seems like all you're doing is more and more and more (this is her favorite line…..she says this each and every time we argue)…  What?  Do you think I don't know that you sleep in woman's clothes and you've been to a casino dressed in woman's clothes?  I don't like to see men dressed in woman's clothes, period.  Why can't you just understand the way I feel and accept how I feel?  I said, “Yes, I’ve been there and more.  While dressed I’ve been to restaurants, theaters, shopping and just about anywhere a person would go.   It’s not my fault that you chose to bury your head to this whole thing.  I never said anything to you because, quite frankly, who wants to listen to your crap and then days of silence?  If you don’t want to be a part of this that is your choice!  But I am not going to let you stop me from being who I am.”

We bantered back and forth for another hour or so and were getting nowhere.  I finally said to her, "Then I guess we have a real dilemma here.  We have a situation that cannot be resolved.  You don't want to change the way you feel and I can't change who I am!  Now what are we suppose to do?

I also said, "You know what I think?  I think you don’t want to be here and the only reason you are is because as long as you feel you can keep me under control you're willing to ride it out.  To you, this is better than starting over again at your age."

The she said, "Tell me something.  Why are you still here?"  I looked right into her eyes and said, "Because I love you."  Geez, you would have thought that someone poured a bucket of ice water over her!  She went from anger to sniffles in an instant.  She said, “That’s all I wanted to know.”  I thought to myself, “I have told her time and again that I love her, show compassion, ‘listen’ to what she says, taken her to dinner, help her out around the house, simply spend time with her…….What else do I need to do to let her know that I am still me and I still feel the same as I always have?” 

Suddenly, she began to talk like we hadn’t had an argument at all……and actually the balance of our conversation was, I thought, very constructive.  I think, up until now, she thought that by her denying me and my crossdressing, she could eventually drive it away.  I don’t think she realized that the only thing she was driving away was my feelings for her.

We both made some concessions that day.  I would continue to protect her anonymity and try to spend more time with her.  She wouldn’t mind if I dress and do my makeup at home before going out, so long as I throw some male clothes over top to hide my female clothing and put on a baseball cap and sunglasses to disguise my makeup.

I don’t know yet where this is going or how her attitude will change.  We’ve been down this road before only to end up at the beginning again.  We have an argument and then the “rules” are relaxed a bit.  Why can’t she just be open about her feelings.  This whole crossdressing battle is hard enough without having to fight a second battle trying to keep the rest of my world from collapsing.  Will there ever be a time when both sides of me can live in harmony in my world and hers?

July 11, 2007

Wow!  Two entries within a week!!!!  I just have to tell you all what happened two nights ago.  My wife and I were on the QVC web site looking for PreZerve jewelry cases, one for her and possibly one for me.  She had already purchased one but after it arrived she didn't seem to be happy with it.  We looked around the site and found many different styles and colors to choose from.  After looking them all over we decided that the one she had was really the best, for the jewelry she wanted to store.  She asked if I were going to get one and I said yes.  She asked me which one  I wanted and I told her I wanted the same style as hers, but a different color.   We looked at the different colors and she again asked me which one I wanted.  I sheepishly answered, "The leopard design."  She looked at me and began to laugh as she slightly shook her head from side to side.  I said, "What's so funny?"  And she said, "You are such a girl!"  I outwardly laughed but inside I felt like I had just reached the summit of Mt Everest!  This was the first time, since she discovered me, that she said anything on her own about my feminine side .  She was actually having fun with this!  I couldn't believe it! I really felt on top of the world!  Whoever said, "Success comes in small steps" was absolutely right!

November 13, 2007

Ah....November, a month in which we give thanks.  I'm sitting here wondering just what this means to me.

Should I be thankful that I am still married, yet still living in a prison?  Should I be happy that my wife occasionally shows a few signs of compassion and then turns around and angrily comments that my hair is too long or my nails are too shiny?  Should I be thankful that every time I do something differently than what I did years ago and I get the third degree with a few days of silence?  I guess there are reasons to be thankful but somehow I just can't seem to find them.  Maybe I'm feeling a little sorry for myself, I don't know.

Case in point......

Lately, I've been letting my hair grow a little bit because I've always like longer hair.  I am NOT letting it grow because of my crossdressing!  My real hair is snow white, receding and thinning.  I kept it short for so many years because that is what she wanted.  At any rate, my hair is all the way down to the middle of my ears!  Really long, huh?  One morning I didn't comb the hair behind my ears and as I was leaving for work my wife commented, "You didn't comb your hair?  It's over your ears!"  I said, "Yeh, I know and said I'll see you later......."  She grumbled and turned around to stomp off to the bedroom and I left.  I arrived home from work before her that day and I was waiting for her to come in to see if I was going to get the silent treatment once again.  When she finally came in she didn't say a word to me and, for the next 36 hours, there was nothing but silence.  Well I guess I now know that I'm being punished.  When she finally broke the silence she asked me, "Is there any thing wrong with you? You are so out of character any more."  I said in a normal voice, "No there's nothing wrong."  Next thing I know I'm in a two hour conversation about my changing character. 

Lately I have been in low spirits........ 

One day recently, I was installing a new bathroom sink faucet and drain for my daughter (who's grown with kids of her own) and we got to talking about how her mother seems to want to have everything her way....in her world.  And how she just doesn't deal very well with change, any change in what she perceives as her perfect world.  I can speak from experience, when I do something that changes what was I am punished like a kid with the silent treatment, sometimes for days.  She refuses to talk about it and then gradually begins to carry on normal conversations once again.  I told my daughter about how I was in the doghouse because of my slightly longer hair and she just laughed and said, "She'll get over it." 

My daughter mentioned to me that she wanted to get a tattoo but was afraid of how her mother would react.   Imagine that.....a grown woman having to worry about how her mother would react to her getting a tattoo.  I told her, "If you want a tattoo go for it!"  It doesn't matter if someone else likes it or not.  The important thing is that you are doing this because you want to and you are the one who needs to be happy first." 

After a few minutes of chatter I turned to my daughter and said, "I have to tell you there's something I've always wanted to do but never did because of how your mother would react."  She very curiously asked, "What's that?"  And I said, with a sheepish smile, "I've always wanted to get earrings!"  She looked at me, smiled and said, "Then go get your ears pierced!"   I returned with, "Shoot, if I'm in the doghouse now over something as trivial as hair over my ears imagine what would happen if she saw me walk in with pierced ears!!"  She looked at me, smiled and said, "Don't worry Dad, you can always come live with me!" "Besides, that wouldn't change who you are, you're still Dad!  Things like appearance don't change who you are!"  Now why couldn't a little bit of  my daughters way of thinking rub off on her mother?  By the way, my daughter does not know of my crossdressing, yet.

Now she says, "I'll tell you what.......I'll get my tattoo and you get your ears pierced!  Are you up to it? That way we'll both be in the doghouse together!"  I thought about it for a few minutes and said, "You know what?  To hell with it!  Let's go for it!  Let her get peeved!  She WILL just have to get used to it!  One day she'll just have to learn to face the reality that life and the world is constantly changing, so it might as well be now." 

A few days passed, she called me and said that she had an appointment for her tattoo.  She asked me if I was still going to get my ears pierced.  I hesitated for a few minutes and she said, "You're not going back out of our deal are you?"  I replied, "NO", knowing full well that I was going to be in for some rough weather.  The plan was for her to go in the afternoon to get her tattoo then meet me at the mall, after I finished work, where I would get my ears pierced.  We would then go back to my house and wait for her mother to come in from work.   I would wait in the kitchen and she would intercept her as she came in the door to show her a surprise, her tattoo.  Then she was going to tell her, "Daddy had a surprise to show you too."  It all worked just as we had planned.  In the door her mother came and she showed the tattoo and asked if she like it......Hesitantly she said yes.....My daughter then told her that I had a surprise too.........As they were walking into the kitchen my wife asked her if I had gotten a tattoo also.....My daughter didn't respond.  When my wife came in I stood in front of her and she began to look me over from head to toe.......a couple of times.....I finally pointed to my ears and after a second her jaw hit the ground with the sound of a cinderblock being dropped from a second story window.  Boy was she pissed!!!  My daughter said, "Mom!  It's still Daddy!  Why are you so mad?"  My daughter looked at me and simply shrugged her shoulders in disbelief.  After a few minutes my daughter had to leave to go pick up the grandkids.

After she was safely down the street my wife started....."WHY DID YOU GET YOUR EARS PIERCED??????  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!!!!!"  "WHY?"  "NEVER MIND, I KNOW WHY!!!"  The room fell silent and so it stayed for two weeks! 

After the two weeks passed she finally blew up.  "I don't even know you any more!  I don't know who you are!  That's it, I'm leaving!"  All these years, since her discovery of my crossdressing,  I have been holding everything in.....being patient.....trying so hard not to force this on her....now I finally let go.  I told her that I was sick and tired of her burying her head in the ground.  Not only about my crossdressing but about anything that puts a wrinkle in her sanitary world.  Things in life change every day, you adjust and you move forward.  You cannot go on burying your head in hopes that the changes will go away.  If you can't adjust to life's changes then, perhaps, you need to seek help.  I've had enough of you treating and punishing me like a child!  I'm under constant scrutiny by you....my hair, my nails, my weight....everything!  If I change my routine in any way you question it!  I've had just about all I can take! 

She asked me, "If you're that unhappy why haven't you left?"  My answer?  " Because I love you!"  Her response. "Yen, right!"  She says, " I know why you haven't left!  You found a comfort zone in me!"  I asked, "What are you talking about?"  Then said, "Comfort zone?  I can cook, clean, make a living and take care of myself!  Don't kid yourself about you being a comfort zone!  I could have left a long time ago!  I never left because I love you and because I know that  we can get over these hurdles and come out in a better place but your fighting every step of the way.  You refuse to step out of your world, your box...YOUR comfort zone"  She said, "That's how I feel, I can't change that!  I finally said what I've been wanting to say for a long time....."Bullshit!  That's a cop out!  You can change anything you want.....All you have to do is take the first step!"

Now the tears and the sobbing starts and after a few minutes she says, "I'm scared.....I'm just afraid of losing you!"  Ah hah!  Finally!  I have an inkling of what bothers her, at least in part, about my recent changes in hair style, earrings and my crossdressing.  I'm sure that's not all that bothers her but it's a start. 

I told her, "You can choose to believed this or not but if you were to leave or I lost you I would be like a ship without a compass or rudder in the middle of the ocean.....I'd be lost without you.  We've come a long way in thirty seven years and we still have a long way to go.  We need to take this journey together, not apart!  If you remember nothing else, remember this.  The ONLY thing that counts is what is in our hearts.  Appearances can and will change, things around us are constantly changing but our hearts remain constant.  It's what's inside that counts.  That's where your world and mine are the same.

She continued to sob and I walked over to her, put my arms around her and said, "You sure look like you could use a hug."  After a few minutes she stopped sniffling and I whispered to her, "I love you."  "I love you too" she said.

It was still quiet around here for the rest of the day....This time it was because we were both digesting what had been discussed.  The next day things began to look brighter.   I honestly don't know if she will change in any way but I think we both feel better because there's more out on the table.  I finally have a little insight into some of what is bothering her and she knows a little more about how I feel and what her actions are doing to me.  Who knows only time will tell.

There isn't a roller coaster in the world that goes up and down more than the one in the lives of crossdressers and their SO's.  But I will say this, if a relationship has any worth at all, it's worth fighting for.

December 30, 2008

T'was just days after Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even me.   Here I am on vacation until the first of the year, my wife is working, the neighbors are away and I'm not even dressed or even considering dressing today. 

Yes, I know, it's been over a year since my last entry.  This year has brought on a medical condition for my wife, she has developed Graves disease.  This is a condition that causes double vision and they are not sure whether thyroid disease is the cause or if this is a cause for thyroid disease.  In either case this is an autoimmune disease and something that is not brought on by external conditions, it's something for which she has no control.  It is somewhat correctable by surgery once there is no further progression of the disease.  I feel so bad for her and I truly wish that God would give her my eyes and let me have hers.  She needs to wear a patch on one eye and is having a very difficult time of acclimating herself to use one eye to see with. 

Where my crossdressing is concerned, very little has changed around here since my last diary entry.  Although this year started on a somewhat on the positive note it rather quickly faded into what has become an unchanging routine.

During this past year we had one or two very large domestic disputes over many different things like finances, attitudes, work, etc.  But the one thing that has cropped up in both arguments was my crossdressing.  This is very unsettling to me.  This is unsettling because this is an integral part of my life since my earliest memories, something for which I have no control.  Yes, I can control how much time it consumes but I cannot control my need to dress.

In less than six months, May 14, 2009 to be exact, it will be the sixth anniversary of my wife's discovery of my crossdressing.   We are still married (our 39th anniversary is coming up in April) so I would assume that, by now, that she has gotten used to seeing my feminine side, which I do not flaunt.  Does she know that I do not push this on her in any way?  Does she know that I am still the same person inside?  Does she know that this has not consumed my life?  Does she know that she is till the number one person in my life?  In answer to all of these questions it is a resounding "yes!" 

Then why hasn't anything changed?  She knows by now that the rest of the world is very accommodating of crossdressers yet I am still living in a closet. , Granted, the closet now includes our home, but, nonetheless, it is still a closet.  She still draws the shades and dims the lights each time I dress.  She turns on the phone answering machine. And, more disturbing, are the snide comments I still must endure.  To be honest, I really don't think she is aware of just how much they hurt my feelings.  I used to let her know that she was hurting my feelings but I have since stopped that practice because of the ramifications involved, namely, an argument would ensue.  And, for me, it's just not worth the grief.  I know, I know, we should keep the lines of communications open but to what end?  An argument? 

I'm getting to a point in my life where I just want to be me, to everyone.  I'll be 62 years old this coming May and I'm tired of hiding, tired of lying, tired of not dressing because someone might come over.  My wife is always using what if's, like what if the car breaks down while I'm on my way to a TriEss meeting or what if someone recognizes you in a mall 40 miles away, etc.  I mentioned to her, one night at the dinner table, about something that lays heavily on my mind.  I said, "What if you and I are on a road trip somewhere and, God forbid, we are both killed in an accident?  What do you think our daughter would feel like when she comes here to clean out the house and discovers all of my clothes, wigs, makeup, etc.?  Not only will she have the trauma of losing both of her parents but she will have the trauma of discovering all of my stuff and not have any idea why it's there.  She will have all of the questions that you had when you discovered me but (and this is a huge difference) she will have absolutely no way of finding answers.  This will haunt her the rest of her life."  She didn't even stop to think about that for a second when she responded, "If you are thinking about telling our daughter I will leave you!"  Now, do you see why the lines of communication are slowly closing?

I have been everywhere while dressed en femme, shopping, movies, walks in the park, site seeing, restaurants, etc.  I can honestly say that I have yet to have a bad experience anywhere I go.  Yes, people have looked or snickered a bit but confidence and a smile quickly disarms them.  The looks that I have received are no worse than someone looking at someone else's tattoos or body piercing or their obesity.  And I have found that many people are ready and willing to talk with me about my crossdressing and crossdressing in general.  Many, no most, people simply cannot believe just how wrong they were about crossdressers.

Will anything change during this upcoming year?  I don't know.  I cannot foresee the future but, based on my past experiences, I truly don't think anything will change in our relationship as far as my crossdressing is concerned unless there is some sort of intervening event.  This saddens me beyond belief but what am I to do?  I love my wife too much to leave her.  Why can't we all just live the life that has been dealt to us with satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment, peace and serenity?

To be continued......

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