EXCERPT FROM EAGLEMANIA CHAPTER
TREATMENT
THE EAGLEMANIAC IS A DIFFICULT MOTHER FUCKER TO TREAT. THE TREATMENT USUALLY INVOLVES VIOLENCE SINCE HE REALLY NEEDS HIS ASS TO BE KICKED ABOUT EIGHT OR TEN TIMES TO CUT HIM BACK DOWN TO SIZE. A LOT OF TIMES THESE EAGLEMANIACS ARE PIP-SQUEAKS AND I TAKE CARE OF THE TREATMENT MYSELF. THEY MAY BE SMALL AND WEAK BUT THINK THAT THEY ARE HOT SHIT BECAUSE THEY ARE SMART AND HARD WORKING AND MAY HAVE DISCOVERED A CURE FOR SOME TYPE OF CANCER. OTHER EAGLEMANIACS ARE BIGGER AND STRONGER, SO I HIRE A COUPLE OF BOUNCERS FROM THE LOCAL TAVERN TO WORK THESE GUYS INTO SHAPE. I USUALLY VIDEO TAPE THIS SO THAT I CAN MAKE A LITTLE MONEY SELLING VIOLENT VIDEOS LIKE JERRY SPRINGER DOES.
THESE PEEPLE HAVE TO BE HUMBLED SOMEHOW, WHETHER IT IS PHYSICALLY, AS I DESCRIBED IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH, OR EMOTIONALLY. SOMETIMES I ENCOURAGE THE PATIENT TO GET REAL DRUNK, AND WHEN HE IS OVER THE LIMIT, THEN I SOMEHOW GET HIM INTO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMAN. THAT USUALLY BRINGS HIM DOWN TO SIZE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ESPECIALLY IF HE WORRIES THAT HE GOT HER PREGNANT AND MAY END UP FATHERING SOME UGLY KIDS. I DON'T KNOW OF ANYTHING WORSE THAN PICKING UP SOME UGLY WOMAN WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK AND ENDING UP GETTING HER PREGNANT. IF IT IS A FEMALE EAGLEMANIAC, SHE NEEDS TO END UP GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE WITH NO SOCIAL STATUS. SHE HAS TO END UP WITH SOME LOSER THAT FATHERED A COUPLE KIDS FOR HER AND SHE IS STUCK WITH HIM TO THE END. I USUALLY PLAY MATCHMAKER IN THIS PLAN. I PAIR THE FEMALE EAGLEMANIAC UP WITH ONE OF MY MALE PATIENTS THAT SUFFERS FROM LOSER PERSONALITY DISORDER. I PICK A LOSER THAT IS TRYING TO GET PUSSY, BUT JUST CAN'T SEEM TO DO IT. AGAIN I AM KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. I AM A THERAPEUTIC GENIUS. FAMOUS PEEPLE WITH THIS DISORDER
HOWARD STERN, THE RADIO PERSONALITY, IS A BONAFIDE EAGLEMANIAC. HE ALSO SUFFERS FROM OTHER MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON HIS SHOW. HE THINKS HE'S A GOD IN THE GOOD SENSE OF THE WORD. (OF COURSE THE GOOD SENSE OF THE WORD IS FICTIONAL.) HE THINKS THAT EVERY OTHER DISK JOCKEY IS IMITATING HIM. HOWARD STERN CALLS HIMSELF "THE KING OF ALL MEDIA". HE JUST THINKS HE IS. I THINK THAT IT IS MORE ACCURATE TO CALL HIM "THE KING OF ALL EAGLEMANIACS". THAT IS THE TITLE I AM BESTOWING ON HIM NOW.
WHEN I LISTEN TO THE HOWARD STERN SHOW, IT OFTEN SOUNDS LIKE A GROUP THERAPY SESSION, EXCEPT THAT THERE IS NO THERAPIST. MAYBE THE THERAPIST IS STUCK IN TRAFFIC AND THE PATIENTS ARE TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES ABOUT THEIR WEIRD PROBLEMS WHILE THEY WAIT FOR HIM. MAYBE THEY ALL DROVE THE THERAPIST CRAZY AND HE JUMPED OFF A BUILDING OR SOMETHING. THEY HAVE ABOUT THIRTY FIVE OR FORTY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS DIVIDED AMONG SEVEN OR EIGHT PEEPLE. I THINK THEY ARE OVER THEIR LIMIT. HIS SHOW MAY COVER DIFFERENT TOPICS EACH DAY, BUT THE COMMON THEME AMONG ALL OF HIS SHOWS IS THE MENTAL UNHEALTH OF HIMSELF AND HIS SUPPORTING CAST. MOST OF HIS FANS DON'T NOTICE THIS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED LIKE MYSELF. I WOULD OFFER TO TREAT THE ENTIRE GROUP, BUT THEY ARE TOO NUTTY FOR ME. SAMPLES FROM THE WONDERFUL BOOK, ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
BARNESANDNOBLE.COM IS CARRYING MY BOOK, ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT.
BARNESANDNOBLE.COM — "ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT"
COPYRIGHT © 1999 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED