AUTHORS AGAINST READING
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HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS! I AM DR SIMMONS, THE FOUNDER OF "AUTHORS AGAINST READING". THE ORGANIZATION'S NAME IS SELF EXPLANATORY FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT CAN READ. SOME PEEPLE WANT TO KNOW WHY A PUBLISHED BOOK WRITER LIKE MYSELF CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF FORMING SUCH A GROUP. THEY ARE TOO FUCKIN NOSY. FUCKIN HISTORY OF READING
EVER SINCE SOME SPECIES OF PRIMITIVE MAN CARVED THE FIRST SYMBOL INTO THE WALL OF A CAVE, PEEPLE HAVE BEEN READING. (THEY COULDN'T READ BEFORE THAT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO FUCKIN READ. DUH!) READING WASN'T VERY POPULAR IN THESE DAYS. MOST PEEPLE WERE MORE INTERESTED IN FUCKING, WHICH HAD JUST BEEN INVENTED, AND BETTING ON FIGHTING DINOSAURS.
HOWEVER, THERE WERE SOME CAVEMEN OR CAVEBOYS THAT SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME READING. THESE WERE THE NERDS OF THE POPULATION. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THESE CAVENERDS WERE NOT GETTING A LOT OF CAVEGIRL PUSSY. AND THERE WAS A LOT OF PUSSY TO BE GOTTEN BACK IN THOSE TIMES. WOMEN WERE MUCH HORNIER AND THEY PUT OUT MUCH MORE EASILY THAN WOMEN DO TODAY. THERE WERE NO WOMENS MAGAZINES TO TELL THEM NOT TO PUT OUT LIKE THERE ARE TODAY. CAVEMEN THAT DIDN'T STARE AT THE WRITING ON THE WALLS OF CAVES BUT WHO COULD READ THE WRITING ON THE WALLS SAW THE INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITIES TO GET PUSSY THAT WERE AVAILABLE TO THEM.
BUT THE NERDY ONES THAT READ ALL THE TIME MISSED SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO GET SOME CAVEWOMAN TRIM. THEY DIDN'T PUT THEMSELVES IN ENOUGH SITUATIONS WHERE THEY COULD DEVELOP THE IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS NEEDED TO CONSISTENTLY SUCCEED IN THIS VITAL ENDEAVOR. THEY CONSTANTLY MISSED OPPORTUNITIES TO GET SOME CAVEGIRL ASS AS A RESULT. THIS WAS SO SAD.
LIKEWISE, CAVEGIRLS THAT READ TOO MUCH MISSED OPPORTUNITIES TO GET SOME CAVEMAN DICK INSIDE OF THEM. CAVEGIRLS BY TODAY'S BEAUTY STANDARDS LOOK LIKE ROTTING ROAD KILL. THESE CAVEBITCHES COULDN'T AFFORD TO PASS UP ANY CHANCE TO GET LAID, EVEN BY NEANDERTHAL LOOKING DUDES. BUT READING TOO MUCH OFTEN LED TO THIS HAPPENING. THIS WAS ALSO VERY SAD.
READING IN THESE EXAMPLES WAS LIKE PREHISTORIC COCK BLOCKING. A LOT OF SEX NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE READING GOT IN THE WAY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, READING WASN'T DOING TOO MUCH HARM AT THIS POINT IN HISTORY.
THEN TRAGEDY STRUCK. IGOR SMITH THE NEANDERTHAL WAS READING THE WRITINGS ON THE WALL OF HIS FRIEND'S CAVE, OBLIVIOUS TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, WHEN A SABRE TOOTH TIGER CAME IN AND RIPPED HIS NERDY ASS TO SHREDS. GRAY MATTER WAS COMING OUT OF HIS HEAD. IGOR SMITH NEVER SAW HIM COMING. HE HAD FIRE AND SPEAR TO DEFEND HIMSELF, BUT HE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO USE THEM. HE WAS TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH WORDS AND SYMBOLS. THAT WAS THE FIRST FATAL CASUALTY OF READING IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. MORE WOULD FOLLOW.
READING PROVED TO BE MORE THAN JUST A PASSING FAD AS TIME WENT FORWARD. IF YOU PAINTED SOMETHING ON THE CAVE WALL WITH ANIMAL BLOOD, THEN SOMEONE WOULD READ IT. THERE WERE A LOT OF BORED CAVEMEN AND CAVEWOMEN THAT TURNED TO READING TO RELIEVE THE TERRIBLE MONOTONY OF PREHISTORIC LIFE.
READING SURVIVED PREHISTORIC TIMES AND PROSPERED AS IT ENTERED THE AGE OF MODERN MAN. WHAT MADE IT PROSPER WAS THAT SOMEONE INVENTED LANGUAGE. LANGUAGE INVOLVED LETTERS TO SPELL OUT WORDS RATHER THAN JUST A SINGLE SYMBOL. LANGUAGE ALSO ALLOWED VOCAL COMMUNICATION WHICH ECHOED WHAT WAS WRITTEN. TOO BAD THEY MADE SO GOD DAMN MANY LANGUAGES SO GROUPS OF PEEPLE COULDN'T FUCKIN UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. THE PROBLEM PERSISTS TO THIS DAY.
THE ROMANS TRIED TO STAMP OUT READING BY CREATING A LANGUAGE, LATIN, THAT WAS COMPLETELY AWKWARD, DIFFICULT TO LEARN, AND DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. THIS ALMOST WORKED. BUT THERE WERE OTHER LANGUAGES IN USE AT THE TIME WHICH WERE MUCH MORE UNDERSTANDABLE AND WORKABLE (THOUGH NONE NEARLY AS GOOD AS ENGLISH); SO READING WAS ABLE TO SURVIVE THESE EARLY HISTORICAL TIMES.
READING DEVELOPED AT A VERY SLOW PACE FOR MANY GENERATIONS BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF TECHNOLOGY IN THIS AREA. THEN SOME ASS HOLE INVENTED MOVEABLE TYPE. THIS MADE IT EASY FOR WORKS OF WORDS TO BE DUPLICATED IN MASS QUANTITIES. AFTER THIS HORRIBLE INVENTION, PEEPLE WERE READING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. READING SPREAD LIKE THE PLAGUE INFECTING TOWN AFTER TOWN. AND THE PLAGUE SPREAD LIKE READING KILLING OFF BUNCHES OF PEEPLE. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD ERA IN HISTORY FOR MANKIND.
THOSE WHO SURVIVED KEPT READING AND READING AND READING. SOME OF THIS READING WAS HELPFUL, BUT MOST WAS DETRIMENTAL TO LIVING A WELL ROUNDED LIFE. THIS READING TREND CONTINUED INTO THE PRESENT. NOW WE GOT ALL KINDS OF PEEPLE WASTING THEIR LIVES AWAY READING BOOKS. FUCKIN ISSUES OF READING
READING CAN BE SUCH A HORRIBLE WASTE OF TIME SOMETIMES. ONE MAY THINK THAT HE IS GAINING KNOWLEDGE WHEN HE IS ACTUALLY JUST SPINNING HIS INTELLECTUAL WHEELS. HISTORIANS SPENT HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS TRANSLATING THE ROSETTA STONE. IN THE END, ALL IT SAID WAS "THIS FUCKIN ROCK IS HEAVY, REAL HEAVY. I JUST DROPPED IN ON MY FOOT. OUCH! OUCH! GET IT OFF! I DON'T WANT TO DIE HERE." I GUESS THOSE WERE HIS LAST WORDS. THIS WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE CREATION OF TOMBSTONES TO MARK THE GRAVES OF THE DEAD.
PEEPLE ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME READING AND NOT ENOUGH TIME FUCKING. THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE WITH WOMEN. WOMEN READ TOO MANY ROMANCE NOVELS WHERE THE LEADING CHARACTERS GET SOME FROM EACH OTHER UNDER EXOTIC OR UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES. BUT THEY DON'T LET MEN FUCK THEM ENOUGH UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES (NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES BEING THAT MEN NEED SOME SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY.) THEY KEEP COCK BLOCKING MEN WITH THEIR ROMANCE NOVELS WITH FABIO ON THE COVER. THAT'S SUCH A SHAME BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE READING INSTEAD OF SCREWING. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE OVERLY FOCUSED ON THE WRITTEN WORD INSTEAD OF ON ACHEIVING SEXUAL PLEASURE.
THE TREND TOWARDS READING IS SO STRONG NOW. THEY EVEN TRY TO SNEAK IT INTO OUR PORNOGRAPHY. I HAVE TO FLIP THROUGH A DOZEN OR MORE ARTICLES IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE BEFORE I CAN GET TO THE PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN. USUALLY THE PICTURES DON'T POP UP IN SIGNIFICANT VOLUME UNTIL AROUND PAGE SIXTY. SOME OF THE ARTICLES MIGHT BE INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE, BUT WHEN I WANT TO SEE PRETTY WOMEN NAKED SO THAT I CAN WACK OFF TO A HAPPY ENDING, ANYTHING WITH WORDS ON IT IS SUPERFLUOUS TO THE SITUATION.
IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY, SOMEONE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF BOOKS ON TAPE, SOME GENIUS I'M SURE. IT'S LIKE READING WITHOUT HAVING TO READ. YOU GOT A BOOK THAT'S NOT REALLY A BOOK. A BOOK ON TAPE IS NOT A BOOK, NOT AT ALL. LISTENING TO IT IS NOT READING. IT'S LISTENING. THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM READING. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. IF YOU ARE GOING TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF WITH "BOOKS ON TAPE" YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST WATCH THE FRICKEN MOVIE. YOU WILL GET MORE ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT. FURTHER, THIS IS AN ATTACK ON LANGUAGE. MOVIES ARE NOT BOOKS ON FILM. SO WHY ARE AUDIO CASSETTES BOOKS ON TAPE? THEY FUCKIN AINT. IT'S A MARKETING GIMMICK. THEY'RE TRYING TO PULL A FAST ONE ON YOU. DON'T FALL FOR IT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORSE THING ABOUT READING IS? THAT IT CAN BE ABUSED BY SELF PROCLAIMED EXPERTS. THESE "EXPERTS" ARE USUALLY FOUND IN THE EDUCATION PROFESSION. THESE LITERATURE CONNOISSEURS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS LITERATURE PROFESSORS, THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S WRITING. THEY COME UP WITH DEEP INTERPRETATION AFTER DEEP INTERPRETATION OF SOME BORING PIECE OF WRITING. THEN THEY FORCE THESE INTERPRETATIONS DOWN THE THROATS OF THEIR POOR STUDENTS. THEN THEY GIVE THE POOR STUDENTS GOD AWFUL TESTS TO SEE IF THEY CAN REMEMBER THE SHIT THAT THEY HAVE BEEN FORCE FED BY THE OMNISCIENT INSTRUCTOR. FUCKIN HORRIBLE ISN'T IT?
LETS CONSIDER THE CASE OF THE AVERAGE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. IN LITERATURE CLASS, HE READ THE SAME BOOKS AS THE TEACHER, BUT THE OMNISCIENT TEACHER ALWAYS SAW THINGS THAT HE AND THE REST OF THE CLASS COULDN'T SEE ON THEIR OWN. MOST OF THEM COULDN'T SEE THIS HIDDEN KNOWLEDGE EVEN AFTER THE WISE EDUCATOR SHARED IT WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS. THIS WAS PERPLEXING TO MOST OF THE STUDENTS. PERSONALLY I DEALT WITH THIS SITUATION BY FALLING ASLEEP IN CLASS.
THIS IS THE EXPERIENCE OF MOST PEEPLE GOING THROUGH THE GRADES IN AMERICA. THE TEACHERS ALWAYS SEEM TO GET MUCH MUCH MORE OUT OF LITERATURE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. THAT'S BECAUSE LITERATURE IS WRITTEN FOR TEACHERS AND OXFORD SCHOLARS AND PEEPLE LIKE THAT. IT IS NOT WRITTEN FOR THE REST OF US SMUCKS. THE TEACHERS KNOW THIS. THEY ARE IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY AND CAN GET AWAY WITH USING BOOKS AS WEAPONS AGAINST THEIR POOR STUDENTS.
DON'T CONSIDER YOURSELF STUPID WHEN YOU READ A BOOK AND YOU JUST DON'T GET IT EVEN THOUGH THE INSTRUCTOR OR SOME BOOK CRITIC MAKES IT SEEM SIMPLISTIC. YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO GET IT. THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN FOR THEM AND THEIR WAY OF THINKING. IT WASN'T WRITTEN FOR EVERY DAY NORMAL PEEPLE.
CONSIDER ALSO THAT IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE WRITER WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE, THEN MAYBE HE OR SHE IS A SUCKY ASS WRITER. THE MAIN PURPOSE OF WRITING IS TO COMMUNICATE, WHETHER IT IS FACTS, IDEAS, OR FICTIONAL STORIES. UNLESS THE AUTHOR IS A CODE WRITER FOR THE CIA, THEN HIS SHIT BETTER MAKE FRICKEN SENSE TO AT LEAST A FEW OF US COMMON SMUCKS. IN FUCKIN CONCLUSION
I'M NOT ADVOCATING THAT YOU GIVE UP READING COMPLETELY. IT IS A NECESSARY EVIL OF MODERN DAILY LIFE. JUST DON'T BECOME A FUCKIN FANATIC ABOUT READING. IF YOU READ FOR MORE THAN ONE HOUR A DAY, THEN YOU DO IT TOO FUCKIN MUCH. YOU GOTTA CUT DOWN. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU HAVE TO.
IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO READ, THEN READ MY WRITINGS. I'M NOT WRITING THE SHIT THAT I WRITE FOR NOTHING. DRINK A BEER OR SMOKE SOME WEED WHILE YOU READ MY WRITINGS IF YOU WANT TO. JUST DON'T FUCKIN READ TO OBSESSION.
I LIKE READING THE STUFF THAT I WRITE. AND I LIKE WRITING IT. THE SHIT THAT I WRITE IS FUN TO READ. SURE IT CAN BE OFFENSIVE SOMETIMES, BUT OFFENSIVE IS OFTEN FUNNY. IF ALL WRITERS WROTE LIKE I DO, THEN I PROBABLY WOULD NEVER HAVE FORMED AUTHORS AGAINST READING.
DON'T ANY OF YOU WRITERS OUT THERE APPLY TO BECOME A PART OF THIS WONDERFUL ORGANIZATION, BECAUSE THEN I'D BE STUCK HAVING TO READ SOME OF YOUR WRITINGS TO DECIDE WHO TO LET IN. I DON'T WANT THAT BURDEN. AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO READ ANYTHING NOT WRITTEN BY ME.
YOU'VE PROBABLY READ ENOUGH FOR A WHILE. NOW DRINK SOME BEERS OR GET SOME HOT SEX OR SMOKE A JOINT, OR MAYBE GO TO A PORN SITE AND WACK OFF WHILE YOU LOOK AT THE STEAMY PICTURES.
COPYRIGHT © 2002 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED